Getting a guy to stick around longer than 4 or 5 months.


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questioning is offline questioning Post #1  March 10,2010, 12:22pm
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I am in my early 40s and for my whole life, I have rarely been able to get a guy to stick around longer than 4 or 5 months, unless I was paying his rent, car payment, food, clothing, etc.

I never got to have kids, since I didn't want to have kids with someone whom I knew would not stick around and would not be a good role model.

I just asked a guy friend what he thought of my troubles. He said "You are an 8 in education and career achievement. You are fairly shy but are really trustworthy, emotionally stable, sweet, kind and accepting, so your personality is probably at least a 9. However, you are tall, skinny, no curves and flat-chested. I have seen you dressed up nice, where a pro had fixed your hair and makeup. Even then, you are a 3 or 4 in looks. Most guys see women like that as a short-term or ONS. For long-term, quality guys want a 6 or above in looks."

This was brutal, but I am beginning to think it is true.

In my 20s and 30s, I tried going against the norm and frequently dated guys who were obese, boring, not very bright, didn't have friends, etc. because I thought there would be less competition for those guys and someone should give them a chance in case they were "diamonds in the rough". However, when they were ready to get married, they all dropped me for prettier women to marry.

I went to therapy for awhile this year, but my shrink and I were not well suited. She just seemed to be pushing me to have short term flings as a substitute for the long term relationship that I really want.

Is there any way to get a quality guy to see you as suitable for a long-term relationship?

Even if you hold off on the sex for a few months, they still dump you as soon as they meet someone else.
 
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Mokkesofie is offline Mokkesofie Post #2  March 10,2010, 1:05pm
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With friends like that, who needs enemies.

How about finding one of those companies that suggest what to wear, hairstyle, colours and so forth. The kind of company with the "before" and "after" photos. With your height and body shape you'll be able to wear what most women only can dream of being able to wear.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #3  March 10,2010, 1:06pm

blames self-help books

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I have to run this past a guy because I am having trouble finding the right words or even if my perception isn't totally female. My first impresseion is that your friend was too harsh. I have never in my life seen anyone who is ugly. Even those awful plastic people with the water buffalo personalities. I am sure you are beautiful but I understand feeling not so much.

I will get back to you on this.
 
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hankscorpio is offline hankscorpio Post #4  March 10,2010, 1:19pm

Isn't afraid to tell you what he thinks of you.

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questioning wrote :
However, you are tall, skinny, no curves and flat-chested.
Sounds like instead of spending your money paying the way for guys you didn't want you should have saved up and got yourself a boob job and a make-up consultant. And the boob job part may not even be necessary.

Seriously I have to wonder whenever I read things like this.

You already have the part down that makes most unattractive women unattractive. (being able to resist eating constantly)

It's amazing what a little bit of hair styling and make-up can do for most women, and if you're already naturally thin then you'd probably not need much else to be at least a "6".
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #5  March 10,2010, 1:29pm
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I would suggest maybe a rope or chain......

There are two factors here:

1. The initial meeting --how are you finding men?

2, What is happening in the relationship around the 4-6 month mark? Are you asking them for commitment?
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #6  March 10,2010, 1:42pm

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hankscorpio wrote :
Sounds like instead of spending your money paying the way for guys you didn't want you should have saved up and got yourself a boob job and a make-up consultant. And the boob job part may not even be necessary.

Seriously I have to wonder whenever I read things like this.

You already have the part down that makes most unattractive women unattractive. (being able to resist eating constantly)

It's amazing what a little bit of hair styling and make-up can do for most women, and if you're already naturally thin then you'd probably not need much else to be at least a "6".
ami1uwant wrote :
I would suggest maybe a rope or chain......

There are two factors here:

1. The initial meeting --how are you finding men?

2, What is happening in the relationship around the 4-6 month mark? Are you asking them for commitment?
Honestly I want to rip both of you up oneside and down the next! I have no words....Yes you have left me speachless...impressive just not in a good way.
 
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hankscorpio is offline hankscorpio Post #7  March 10,2010, 1:44pm

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Can_I_just_be_Jo wrote :
Honestly I want to rip both of you up oneside and down the next! I have no words....Yes you have left me speachless...impressive just not in a good way.
I can't speak for ami1, and I haven't personally met the original poster, but what about what I said (work on making yourself what you want to be instead of feeling like some aspect of yourself is beyond hope) is wrong?
 
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Mokkesofie is offline Mokkesofie Post #8  March 10,2010, 1:45pm
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Can_I_just_be_Jo wrote :
Honestly I want to rip both of you up oneside and down the next! I have no words....Yes you have left me speachless...impressive just not in a good way.
May I assist you please!!!
 
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trixie1868 is offline trixie1868 Post #9  March 10,2010, 1:54pm

what the bejeezus is going on round here?!

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Love doesn't necessarily favour the beautiful ~ go ask Liz Taylor!

Honestly honey, please don't internalise the opinion of your brutal 'friend', it's just his opinion and I bet you don't consider him to be an overal 6 either.

If we are going to concentrate on physical appearance (and I think we should because you see it as your achilles heel) then being tall, skinny and shapeless with a face that isn't conventionally beautiful isn't holding Keira Knightly back any. Hankscorpio in a very clumsy, blokey and therefore endearing way is telling you that skinny is definite bonus for some men.

You just need to feel better about yourself. Confidence is always attractive (even in my own case where it is largely misplaced). You need to go look in your wardrobe and throw away anything that doesn't boost your self esteem when you wear it. Clothes that don't make you feel more confident aren't earning their keep, junk them and get new ones that do.

Stop pity dating unattractive men. I don't like to say sexist things but from personal experience I can tell you that when you are with a man who is fatter, plainer, older than you're entitled to expect, they're not grateful. Men generally have pretty buoyant physical self esteem, no matter what either of you look like, he'll always think he's doing you a favour (sorry guys, but you know it's true. )

Redirect your funds to getting your hair done, have massages, go for make demonstrations (I swear to god, Benefit changed my life) and generally treat yourself like a good looking woman worthy of the attention.

I know this could read kinda shallow but I think your low self esteem is scuppering your expectations of a long term relationship.

Also, you do have to factor in luck. No reason why you, I or Jennifer Aniston should've had a bit of bad and no reason why that shouldn't change in the future.

Chin up girl.
Go and find your inner fabulousness.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #10  March 10,2010, 1:57pm

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hankscorpio wrote :
I can't speak for ami1, and I haven't personally met the original poster, but what about what I said (work on making yourself what you want to be instead of feeling like some aspect of yourself is beyond hope) is wrong?
Skinny is not the end all be all of womanhood. I am not a stick and most guys appreciate that. That and she had already said even with a makeover her advisor said she was a 3 or 4. No one should ever advise plastic surgery to someone who is dealing with self-esteem issues over physical appearance.

I am sure you were trying and I understand that you don't know the OP. I know it makes it difficult to advise in this case. Still don't hurt her, ya know.
 
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