dazedconfuzed is offline dazedconfuzed Post #1  March 9,2010, 9:26am
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Please forgive me for this rather lengthy backstory. At this point I don't know what info is useful or useless. If you make it to the end, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for caring enough to read my story and offer your thoughts.

I was contacted by a match on eH and as soon as I saw his profile I knew we had a lot in common regarding our values and what we want in a relationship. Communication began the end of January, q & a and OC went quickly, then came e-mail, IM and texting, and of course phone calls. Lots of communication. Due to our schedules, we had our first date the night before Valentine's Day. (His suggestion - close to it but not on it for a first date). It had been an extremely long day for me as I had lectures and presentations beginning at 7 am (until 5pm). We had agreed to meet at 6pm that evening. I gave him a call when events began to die down and he suggested we have dinner rather than coffee (after he asked how my day was.) I was fine with this.

Dinner was great. We ended up ordering the same thing, we laughed, talked, joked, teased, and things moved along very smoothly. He suggested going somewhere else for dessert, he wanted ice cream, but I didn't know of any places in the area, so we just settled on Hot Chocolate from Starbucks. All in all we were together for about 4 hours, only calling it quits when my day caught up with me and I embarrassingly yawned. (NOT because of my company at all.)

I had a much longer drive home than he did, so I was supposed to text him when I got home. My quick "I'm home and thank you so much for a wonderful evening" turned into an hour of heavy flirting. We had hit it off really well and I was a pretty happy camper.

We talked and texted Sunday, Monday was a quick Hello text because I was going to be unable to communicate all day. Tuesday we talked, Wed same as Monday but with a quick text asking about my weekend plans. Thursday we talked a while and made a date for Saturday. Early movie, dinner, dessert, walk in a beautiful open air mall with huge fireplace on a nice night. Evening ended with a tour of his beautiful complex and apartment with conversation and a DVD, and a make-out session worthy of the most amorous teenagers. Then we had the "talk" about what we wanted, moving too fast, how to proceed. We decided on slow and getting to really know each other because we both wanted a LTR. (ie: no sex yet) (We were together 10 hours that day.)

The following week went pretty much the same as the previous until he told me he was having surgery on Friday. Deviated septum. Not major, but still serious enough. We made plans for Thursday. That day we were texting (both of us busy working) and I was confirming our time for that night. I asked him "What time do u want me" He replied "24/7 :X". (I thought this was a pretty good answer. lol)

So yeah, I went to his place on a very high note. I made him his favorite dish and took it over. We had another great evening. Dinner was good, and dessert was fun (hand-dipped dark chocolate strawberries I made.) We settled in to talk and watch TV and relax with a self imposed curfew of 10 pm. Well, I was there til midnight. Another snogfest ensued and we exhausted our self-control. (Still no sex)

Friday morning I sent him a text before his surgery to cheer him on and tell him I would be thinking of him. (He was worried about the surgery.) Got a text later that evening that he was home and how surgery went. He seemed okay, just tired and sore. I didn't hear from him the rest of the weekend. Sent a "how are you, do you need anything" text on Saturday. No response. (was pretty much ok with this since I knew he had to be worn out). Sunday evening I gave him a call and left a msg to have him let me know how he was, or did I have to call out the National Guard (jokingly). No response.

I knew he had a follow-up with Doc Monday. I finally got a text Monday night that he had a really rough weekend, Doc did a little more work to his nose and he was staying at his parents for the rest of the week, and that he appreciated my thoughts and prayers. I texted him back asking him how he was and he replied that the doc said it was pretty bad and he didn't know how he had functioned the way things were. I told him to rest and I would talk to him the next day. (Tue)

Tuesday sent a text telling him I was thinking about him and asking how he was feeling. (I wanted to call, but didn't want to really disturb him.) No response. (stayed quiet Wed and Thurs) I gave it one more shot on Friday and sent him a text "Sending you warm and fuzzies if you want them! Hope you are starting to feel better."

Finally a response about an hour later. I read it and felt my stomach drop. He said it was sweet of me to think of him. That he wasn't healing as well as he expected and that he didn't want to hold me back. That he didn't expect me to understand, but he needed a period of time to get his life back on track. He was sorry about the timing. His health was his main focus, but he had enjoyed our time together.

That was it. I texted him back asking if we could please talk, not text. I was confused and a little hurt. He never responded.

Sunday night I sent him an e-mail telling him how much I enjoyed the time we spent together and that I would keep him in my thoughts and prayers, asking him to please let me know how he was doing from time to time and to not shut the door on what we started. I left things open in hopes that when he was feeling better, he would be welcome to contact me and maybe we could start over. I didn't get a response and I don't really think I expected one (yes I did hope for one).

I have since though, began to second guess everything. I thought we had a connection. He certainly made me feel like we did. Now I don't have a clue and am feeling a little blind-sided. We had talked about how communication and a supportive partner were so important, especially to him, and yet he shut me out with barely a word. So now I am left wondering if any of it was ever real or if I was being played and he had someone else in line and picked her. (But I honestly never got this feeling or any indication from him there were others, he always talked about how we were "dating" and he joked that I had a good sense of humor just for dating him.) But if so, why not be honest about it instead of making me worry about his health?

Thoughts? Did he try to dump me gently? (Using the surgery and recovery as an excuse?)

Guys, if you had surgery for a deviated septum, or some other non-life threatening issue, and had been seeing someone, would you shut her out of your life completely?

If yes, why?

Kudos to all of you who made it through this post. I commend you for taking the time. THANK YOU.
Last edited by dazedconfuzed; March 9,2010 at 9:33am.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #2  March 9,2010, 9:39am
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dazedconfuzed wrote :
Did he try to dump me gently? (Using the surgery and recovery as an excuse?)
Sorry, but it seems so.
 
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dazedconfuzed is offline dazedconfuzed Post #3  March 9,2010, 10:18am
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tweet37 wrote :
Sorry, but it seems so.

Why do you think that, though?
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  March 9,2010, 11:00am
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I very much doubt that he had anyone else picked out, but I do think that it's a simple case of you were way way more smitten with him and more into him than he was into you. When push came to shove, there wasn't enough there for him to want to continue and that's that.
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #5  March 9,2010, 11:00am
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That surgery is very hard on a person. The pain is tremendous and the bruising horible.
I wouldnt write the man off right now.That wouldnt be fair.
 
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doo21_leroux is offline doo21_leroux Post #6  March 9,2010, 11:13am
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All you can get here are people's opinions....not fact. He may have tried to let you down gently or he may have actually rethought things in his life and needed time like he said. People are very strange creatures and do VERY bizzarre confusing things. I myself had a similar experience except I loaned the guy a lot of $. He was moving at the end of the month and when he moved.....I never heard from him again.

All you can do is not dwell on it and trust me when I say its nothing you did or could have done. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger!!!
 
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dazedconfuzed is offline dazedconfuzed Post #7  March 9,2010, 11:23am
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Well, I haven't written him off. I did leave the door open in my e-mail to him. I have had several people tell me that the recovery from this type of surgery is horrendous, so I really am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I guess my fear is from a couple of the naysayers I've talked to about it. (guy friends)

He is the one who chased me. Before the surgery he even talked about us being together after his surgery, assuring me things would get back on track for us.

As for who was more smitten and who wasn't... well, that's a tough call when I take into account his behavior and all the things he said. I would have thought it was at the very least equal between us.

I definitely appreciate all opinions and thoughts, though. Thank you.
 
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2clueless is offline 2clueless Post #8  March 9,2010, 11:31am
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I know it's hard when it seems like someone with a lot of potential fizzles out. But just remind yourself that the right person for you would be transparent, considerate and consistent. He can't be that person right now. Maybe due to health. Maybe due to emotions. You'll never know.

You sent a very kind email and left the door open. Don't overthink anything. You didn't do anything wrong. Just try not to get too far ahead of yourself. It's a tricky thing to enjoy the moment and stay in that moment and resist the urge to project too far into the future....even when someone is leading the discussion. But I think that skill protects one's heart a little bit.

He knows where to find you. All you can do is move on for now. I'm sorry. I know it hurts.
Last edited by 2clueless; March 9,2010 at 11:39am.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #9  March 9,2010, 11:50am
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No way to know. If in a few more weeks you haven't heard from him than that would be it.

That surgery is truly awful, very painful and the pain continues for awhile. He's probably still on meds; could be having complications, etc. Don't underestimate the effect it's having on him.
 
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hankscorpio is offline hankscorpio Post #10  March 9,2010, 11:57am

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dazedconfuzed wrote :
Why do you think that, though?
Sounds like you were the Baxter and whoever he was the Baxter for finally went through everyone until they got to him.

Tough luck, eh? The bad news - guys such as myself are still available. The good news is there are plenty of us!
 
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