Moving overseas but still want to find Mr Right...


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cc1979 is offline cc1979 Post #1  March 4,2010, 7:51pm
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Hi All,
I've asked my girlfriends about this issue, and appreciate their advise, but can't be sure they're not just telling me what I want to hear.

I'm moving overseas (France) in six months, and its pretty much a permanent move. I have very good reasons for the move: immediate family in that country, better career options/connections there, better financial situation, preferred culture/way of life, and many more reasons.

However, I am have been ready to re-enter the dating world for a while now (last relationship was 4 years, and ended over a year ago). I feel confident that I am at the point in my life where I want to begin to look at settling down (am 30 years old). I want to find a companion to share my life with, and have a few years to spend with that person before starting a family, ideally around the age of 35. Also, since I have lived in France (father is French, mother was American) and I know that I don't particularly find French men all that attractive - they just don't fit my definition of masculinity, plus French culture embraces infidelity too much for me to trust them. (Am open to men from some other European cultures, but still prefer American men based on past experience.)

Also, a passion for traveling is a must in my matches. I know that finding someone else willing to become an expat in six months is a bit hard, but I am hopeful. I have put it in my profile, under additional information, that I am planning on this, probably permanent, move to France, and that I have reasons such as family and career goals, but other than that have left it pretty simple.



So, my questions are:
Am I being realistic? The goal in general and with the time limit I have?
Is mentioning it briefly in my profile enough - if its a deal breaker they simply will close the match, right, and those who are okay with it will communicate with me, right?
I have a few guys that I have done guided communication with, and I always include that question about willingness to relocate for someone. And some I can tell from their profiles that it might be a realistic option, but some I can't be sure but they are communicating with me. In two cases, we have begun emailing each other. Is it something that should be addressed at this stage? Or should I wait until we've gone on a few dates? And if so, when is the right time to bring up the issue? How should I bring it up?


Any other concerns anyone can think of or perspectives, that would be welcome. Thank you!!!


(PS - Although I want to meet the perfect guy, I'm not changing my mind about moving, because of the reasons listed above.)
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  March 4,2010, 8:04pm
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The main thing to remember is that people don't always read profiles very thoroughly, so I would mention the relocation plans again before you even meet.

It seems like it would be difficult to cultivate a close relationship with someone in that short a period of time (assuming that you met someone suitable very soon) that would also be willing to pick up and move to another country. I feel that maybe it's possible, but a very, very remote possibility.

You'd have to be open to meeting a large number of people in a short period of time, so eharmony probably won't be enough.
 
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cc1979 is offline cc1979 Post #3  March 4,2010, 8:36pm
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I have also considered that if I do meet someone, that we can establish a relationship here, then maintain a long-distance relationship until we decide for sure if its worth the other person moving. This is assuming we're the correct person for each other.

I'm not expecting miracles, but there is a better chance than if I don't try at all. Just want to make sure I'm going about it in an appropriate manner - don't want someone getting upset and accusing me of deceiving them.
 
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suzyblueeyes is offline suzyblueeyes Post #4  March 4,2010, 8:57pm
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You can always try, but somehow I am doubting that six months is enough time to establish a relationship that is strong enough for a man to consider moving to another continent or doing that level of long distance relationship. I mean, that would include time to find the guy. I am thinking about my own experiences. I found a great guy after two months of looking. I think that was rather quick compared to what most people experience. We've been seeing each other two months, and it has been going great. Still, I cannot imagine asking him to move to another continent with me in two more months. That would be super fast. We live two hours apart. Just tonight we were talking about how much we miss each other during the week. And we've seen each other for long weekends every weekend for the past month. Being that far apart would be torture!

That being said, as long as you are ok with the fact that you may find someone only to have him not be ready to move so quickly, I guess there's no harm in trying. I would be sure to be upfront about your move though.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #5  March 5,2010, 6:19am
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LDRs are expensive and you don't get the depth of experience with a person that you would normally get in an in-person relationship.

By all means try. You never know what will happen.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #6  March 5,2010, 6:39am
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I don't think you are being very realistic.

What you are suggesting doesn't IMO allow enough time to find a guy who is willing to move. You have to remember, we're not only talking about finding a person who is willing to dump all of their connections here, and who is willing to start all over from scratch somewhere else, knowing only one person there, but you are moving to another country that speaks another language. I can't imagine trying to find a job where I would have to speak French, and I took French classes all through high school and several courses at university. That adds an incredible level of difficulty to this idea.

I think your shopping list of traits is too long for finding a match who will fit, who will want this and can afford the time and expense to invest in an LDR to see if things will work.

If anything, people who can't get matched with singles in the area who meet their requirements are the ones who should move elsewhere (that's you) and not hope to find someone they can import, especially if having a family of your own is such an important goal.

Good luck -- you might find someone, but I think your odds are similar to those for winning the lottery.

I think you need to rethink your criteria, and your generalizations and stereotyping of French men, since that is realistically going to be your dating pool. Look for a caring man who shares your sense of humor and passions in life that might not be so macho, and maybe you'll see that he is man enough for you. Infidelity is not a cultural given, otherwise, think of how the world must judge Americans for commitment to their partners after seeing a Jerry Springer show.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #7  March 5,2010, 11:54am
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I'd rather take my chance with the french than some american I've only known for a few months who then throws over his entire life to move to another country with me! Flaky, n'est-ce pas?

Sorry, flippant. I wonder if, since you plan to live permanently in France, you might longterm be happier learning to appreciate French men?

But to answer you, yes, I think it's unrealistic to expect to find an american within 6 months who will move to France with you.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #8  March 5,2010, 6:43pm
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I don't think it's likely you'll find an American guy who wants to move to France that soon.

It's interesting that you prefer the culture there but not the men. Isn't dating and romance part of the culture?
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #9  March 5,2010, 6:57pm
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Am I being realistic? The goal in general and with the time limit I have?

Meeting a US man, and having him move to France for, ostensibly, a lifetime with you?

I doubt it.

Maybe, if you are seeking one of the kinds of man likely to undertake a move like this for his own reasons.

A global businessman, the obvious choice, is out, since he will move on in a few years, with the next opportunity.

Still, why not try? It is clear in your profile, so it is his problem to deal.

Is mentioning it briefly in my profile enough - if its a deal breaker they simply will close the match, right, and those who are okay with it will communicate with me, right?

Yes. If he is too dense to read, it is not your problem to fix him.

More likely, however, is those who think, "oh good, a woman to sleep with for six months." Sounds like as good a plan as any.

***

Personally, I think you're better with one of these Fine options:

- Move to France and use an English language dating service there. Ought to get plenty of US men who are already in the area.

- Get real, and learn that things like individual attributes matter more than nationality.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #10  March 5,2010, 7:08pm
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D_Lion wrote :

- Get real, and learn that things like individual attributes matter more than nationality.
that was a little snarky, but overall a good post
 
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