do you need instant attraction or does that develop?


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shockedbythis10 is offline shockedbythis10 Post #1  March 2,2010, 12:36pm
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Hello to all of you. I have met someone who is really nice but I do not feel any physical attraction to her. To begin, we had great phone conversations, make each other laugh, gone out twice but that feeling that I want to see her again or bring her flowers is not there. I know she likes me from what I can tell but I have not made much effort to be affectionate other than a hug. We live about 75 minutes apart so it is not that easy to just drive over and see each other. So I ask all of you what do I do? Do I go on a keep spending time with her and see what happens or if I don't have that physical chemistry it is never going to come? (Part of it may be my fault. I was in a 6 month relationship that ended about 6 weeks ago and never got any closure and I really liked that girl so I do not know if I feel this way because I got burned) Your advice is much appreciated.
 
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justkizzit is offline justkizzit Post #2  March 2,2010, 1:43pm
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I myself can find something sexy in any women if I spend enough time...that is just me and usually its not someone I am going out with...Usually its a friends girl and at first I don't see it but after being around them their personality can shed me some light...It has happened to me though too....but If you are questioning yourself and bringing up a past relationship you really aren't ready to move on...
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #3  March 2,2010, 1:51pm
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Hi to you too!

It sounds like maybe you're not over the last relationship, where I guess you got hurt? (Burned?) That could make it hard to feel anything for someone new.

If you like this new one ... put some energy into getting closure on the old relationship so you can be open to the new one.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #4  March 2,2010, 2:05pm
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Its a personal thing, but I need it right away. The times I have tried to get past it previously have been a disaster.

I dont think it means looks either. I think I can experience chemistry with men that may not be conventionally attractive but that have something else about them that is highly attractive. i'm rambling its a complicated subject to me.

You run the risk of hurting this person if you continue and they develop feeling for you and the chemistry thing never happens for you. There will be more time and expense involved because of the distance. Its really hard to say what would be right for you (and her)
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #5  March 2,2010, 2:09pm
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shockedbythis10 wrote :
I was in a 6 month relationship that ended about 6 weeks ago and never got any closure and I really liked that girl so I do not know if I feel this way because I got burned)
More than likely...
Take some time off from dating and then see how things go.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  March 2,2010, 2:41pm
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For me, the physical attraction is either there or not. If I don't see myself wanting to touch the person or be intimate with them, then it's not going to happen at any point down the road regardless of how great they are otherwise. There are a whole lot of nice girls and guys out there - they are a dime a dozen - the catch is to find one who is both nice and attractive to you.

In your case, it sounds like you are still not over the past and so not emotionally available anyway and not physically attracted to your current match. In other words you are trying to force a square peg into a round hole. Give yourself some time to get over your ex and get out and just have some fun with the guys. Forget relationships for awhile.
 
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lemongrass is offline lemongrass Post #7  March 2,2010, 8:53pm
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me: instant attraction
 
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peg099 is offline peg099 Post #8  March 2,2010, 10:16pm
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I think it depends partly on what you mean when you say you don't feel 'any physical attraction.'

I don't even really look for physical attraction right away. I just have to see a possiblity of attraction down the road. If I look at someone and think 'Eww', then I don't think time will help. But I don't need any physical spark at the outset.

As my bf says; a relationship requires various elements to come into place, but it doesn't matter what in what order they appear.

Frankly, the bigger problem is that you don't have that feeling that you want to see her again. The fact that you're not quite over your ex is probably part of the reason for that, but regardless of the reason, the lack of this desire (especially combined with your lack of physical attraction) makes me doubtful about the potential here.
 
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lucky2cope is offline lucky2cope Post #9  March 3,2010, 6:56am
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I agree with Peg--it can take time, but if my gut reaction is "ick", I'm not going to get over that.
 
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StuckOnYou is offline StuckOnYou Post #10  March 3,2010, 7:16am
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I know within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone (IRL) whether there is enough attraction from my side. It's not love at first sight nor being overwhelmed by desire, just enough of a spark to know whether or not I would continue.
 
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