My Eharmony story-what did I do wrong?


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shockedbythis10 is offline shockedbythis10 Post #1  February 19,2010, 5:45am
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I am asking for ur opinion about my story, to free me from the pain I am going through & to try to get over this and ask people what did I do wrong so please bear with me & read this, thanks!


I went about 4 times with a girl in nov. 2008 (we were both on this site) & we hit it off but in the end she told me she wanted to move to Chicago and met a guy from there and wanted to see where it went. I understood as I was dating other people too and wished her well.


In aug. 2009 her ad from the dating site was sent to me again and I emailed her and said. Sorry it did not work out with the chicago guy I hope you are well.
Emails led to calls that led to us meeting up again end of Sept. I am 35 in the Detroit area she is 37 in Lansing, we are both divorced & I share custody of my 5 yr old daughter. I told her I could not move because of my daughter & she said she was open to moving anywhere, Moving to the Detroit area was an option, she heard of nice areas to live in, she wanted to find a nice guy, Chicago may not be for her, she usually dated high rollers with big egos & she was treated like a vacation wife-good person to go on trips with as she packs lite and looks good on the arm. Now she wanted to find a guy who was down to earth & she was with for the right reasons & liked to spend time with her so we stated dating.


We got together every week, went to Cleveland to see the Cavs play over thanksgiving, talked and texted every day. I would write her a poem a week about funny things that happened that we would laugh about while we were dating & I texted her good morning every morning & tell her have a great day. When we got together we hung out, went for dinner, saw movies. I met her friends & family over Christmas and New years & spent time laughing and joking w/ them. It was a relationship that didn't require any work, we both r working professionals but took time out for each other to talk about our work, what we wanted in life, etc. so it was nice not have having any conflict, we were open and honest wth each other.


2nd weekend in January we went to Chicago. I drove to lansing & picked her up and we drove there. In the car, we started talking about people in relationships & how they say 80% of people cheat. She told me how her ex-husband cheated on her when she was married 4 ys. ago & I could tell it still bothered her. Then the topic changed to past relationships & what went wrong. I knew this was her 1st time back since dating that guy for 10 months who was from there & made mention that it should be interesting to see how things go & she said she had not though about it. I mentioned I thought it was funny there was still a youtube video up of her & this other guy she dated 2 yrs ago b4 that guy going to a baseball game & she said yeah that needs to come down. When I mentioned how it wud be nice to go Toronto w/ her & do a few things she told me she had already done those things & not to take her for drinks at the john hancock building as she had already done that too. It was not a bad conversation, but just funny that she was telling me everything, even how she went to a sex toy store there and got some things. I was ok w/ it, & we laughed about a lot of things during our drive down. While there, we shopped, I was good getting her all her sizes while she was in the dressing room, the only thing I had to do was get a doll from the american girl store. The only thing I wanted to do was go ice skating, little kids were out there bundled up and she said it was too cold for her to go. THat night she made reservations at a restaurant she went to with her ex (is that normal?) for 9 as told me she liked the food there. We got there & did not get seated until 10, I was starving, & she then tells me we are sitting at the same table as she did with her ex. The waiter comes & she asks me to order. I have never eaten here, I do not know what is good so I am not going to order. she tells me she is used to guys ordering for her & we pick some things out. next, the appetizer comes, I ask her to go ahead & I will help myself after She asks me aren't u going to serve me? tells me that it is polite to serve the other person. I looked at it & said honestly, I do not know what it is or where to even cut it from. She then says never mind & gets it herself. She made a few other comments about how I get early and if I am going to wake her up in the morning because of it but through all this I kept my mouth shut. The next morning I got up & asked her do you want to talk about last night? she said she was sorry & maybe it was hard for her being there at that restaurant having a past. I told her it is still early, go back to sleep as I wanted to go for a walk to navy pier since I never been (& I know it was cold too so why ask her when I know she can't handle it). She said no, hang out with her & I did.
We did more shopping, I drove her around & even went to the same sex store she did with her ex because I did not care, if she liked their products & I bought her some stuff and told her it was my valentines day present to her. That night, we were to meet her colleagues who were now in town for her convention that was to start the next day. We went out to dinner and it lasted 4 hrs! I am thinking she would not go skating with me for 30 min. but I had to meet these people for 4 hrs! They were nice, We had a great conversation & all laughed but it was another expensive restaurant like the night before with small portions but $$$.
We caught a ride back to the hotel with 2 of her colleagues (we cabbed it there) & sat in the back seat. The driver had g.p.s. & passenger had a map but we still got lost. My chic says to me do u still have that map on you? I did. Rudely she said aren't you going to pull it out and help them with the directions? I think you should do something?. THey could hear her talking to like this, I did not know them, do not know Chicago, I am in the back seat, can't see the street signs plus they are women I just met and i am not going to be a back seat driver! We make it back to the hotel, get out of the elevator and she walks the wrong way to the room. I say to her hey babe, it's this way. She turns around, eyes bulging & says oh so now your going to give me directions on how to get there! I stayed quiet, went into the room changed my clothes and went to bed quietly.
The next morning she got up at 6:30 as her convention was starting & while she was in the shower I packed up my things. She came out of the shower and she saw what I was doing & again said to me sorry I snapped at you. I thought she should have said it the night before, but why did it happen again? I just said, look, I just want to go home now (She was getting a ride back in a few days from 1 of her colleagues when the meetings were over and I was going back that day anyway) & she said ok, bye &went back to the bathroom. I did not want to get into it, she had meetings all day, I had a 4 hr drive & I did not want to say something stupid or foolish so I left. I texted her that night I got back safe, no response. I texted her the next day when she got back to call me when she got in. SHe called me & was like what do you want? You are not the person I thought u were, if u had issues with my past you should not have gone (then why did I go to the same sex store as she did with her ex if I had issues?), I could not believe you packed up & left, She called me immature, that I wanted to go to navy pier because I was mad (I wasn't like I said I am an early riser and just wanted to go)...etc. etc. I asked so nothing on this trip was good? No fun? this is our 1st fight & this is what happens, what happened to caring about each other? She said the bad things outweight the good things 10 to 1 & I heard a click. I called her back and asked did u hang up on me? She said yes because I was annoying her & she needed to think about things. She did not say once that she behaved wrong there, that she had issues, nothing. I sent her flowers the next day to her work, just said sorry for the misunderstanding, hope we can work things out. She did send a text thanking me for the flowers and I waited a few days & called her. It had been 5 days now, i asked her if she had thought about things, she said she hadn't she was relaxing and doing other stuff. I stayed quiet but thought to myself wow, she dosen't seem to care. 4 days later I saw she deleted me from her facebook site, I sent her a text asking to talk to say goodbyes & she called me the next day while I was at work. I said I was busy & asked if she would be around later & I would call her then, She said she would & when I did her phone was turned off. I texted her next day that was mean to turn off phone & but she said she went to sleep & she that it was not going to work out, wished me well & sorry we did not have a chance to talk.


i feel that I did nothing wrong in the relationship, I was emotionally there for her, did not cheat on her, I cook all types of ethnic foods & would surprise her with things. I think she has issues she has not confronted yet, the fact that she does not like where she lives, wants to move somewhere else and change jobs played a role but why take it out on me? If she wanted to move elsewhere then y date? is it not dumb to date some1 then tell them later oh I am moving out of state? What did I do here? I have never been treated this way and was shocked! Most of all, I miss the friendship we had, but since then no contact. She is pretty professional at this dating thing. What should be going thorough my head, it has been a month! Please don't say go screw another girl, i am not that kind of guy to do that stuff. I just would like to know what I did wrong and if anyone sees what is wrong with her. thanks
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  February 19,2010, 6:08am
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wrote :
(we cabbed it there) & sat in the back seat. The driver had g.p.s. & passenger had a map but we still got lost.
This is a common ploy to get a higher cab fare and I would have told the driver exactly how to get to the destination!

Anyway maybe you should just chalk things up to basic incompatibility. She sounds like she wants someone that takes the lead more and is less accommodating.

To be honest, when a guy is overly accommodating or very self centered both are a turn off.
 
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nophotos is offline nophotos Post #3  February 19,2010, 6:46am
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Hi shockedbythis

I'm sorry you're in such pain over this. I don't think it's about doing something wrong or right. I only got part way through your post when it became evident - to me - that she just doesn't seem like a very nice person.

I can't get inside someone else's mind. If I found myself in this situation, I'd do some work on figuring out why I'm in pain from someone else treating me so poorly. That speaks to my personal issues. If I couldn't do it alone - I'd see a therapist. Worked for me.

Good luck!
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #4  February 19,2010, 6:48am
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You've given quite a bit of detail here regarding your trip w/ her to Chicago. What I gathering from reading your post is that perhaps you sense an overall change in her behavior toward you/things during the trip (not just since you've returned). And it's the (seemingly) sudden change of behavior that is causing you to question if you've done something 'wrong'.

The description of how things played out at the restaurant (among a few other things) is what leads me to think that it wasn't how you were accustomed to her 'normally' behaving in the months (??) you've spent with her prior (otherwise, it doesn't seem you would have mentioned it in such detail).

Am I close? Or entirely off-base?
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #5  February 19,2010, 6:51am
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(as a complete side-note to this, I didn't realize eH resends matches that were already previously sent??)
 
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TrekRyder10 is offline TrekRyder10 Post #6  February 19,2010, 6:54am
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shockedbythis10 wrote :
I feel that I did nothing wrong in the relationship
I am hoping in time you'll be able to see what SHE did wrong,

wrote :
I was emotionally there for her, did not cheat on her, I cook all types of ethnic foods & would surprise her with things.
Doesn't sound like she ever reciprocated any of these things. I have a feeling the more she withdrew, the harder you tried.

I would chalk this one up to overall compatibilty.

wrote :
I think she has issues she has not confronted yet, the fact that she does not like where she lives, wants to move somewhere else and change jobs played a role but why take it out on me?
To me these would be red flags. What I see here, is someone who really is not happy with their life. She may just be looking for companionship. To me this sounds like she is looking for a guy to fix her life for her.
 
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TrekRyder10 is offline TrekRyder10 Post #7  February 19,2010, 6:57am
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lucky173 wrote :
(as a complete side-note to this, I didn't realize eH resends matches that were already previously sent??)
They don't, but if someone created a whole new profile then it could happen. Many people do not realize even if you cancel your membership your profile is still in the database. I am not postivie on the exact timeframe it stays in the system, I have cancelled for up to six months and come back to log into the same profile.
 
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Doodles4ever is offline Doodles4ever Post #8  February 19,2010, 6:59am
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That is quite a story. You sound like a sweet person and unfortunately you got hooked up with someone who has issues. Don't blame yourself, there is nothing that you can do and I would chalk it up to experience and move on. As hard as that may be for you, that's what I would do. You deserve better and leave it at that.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #9  February 19,2010, 6:59am
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She sounds....confused. It seems that she wasn't over the last guy and was trying to recapture some of the feelings that she had with him. But, she couldn't exactly just switch him out for you and put you in the boyfriend role in his place. There are tons of great restaurants in Chicago and fun things to do and see (probably even multiple sex toy shops...lol), so it would have been very easy to avoid revisiting all of the old haunts from her previous relationship -- if she had wanted to.

With respect to the map....The driver was already referring to a map, so I'm not sure what good yours would have done, especially since you were a stranger to the town. Given that your girlfriend had lived there previously, it seems that she would have been the one in a position to be most helpful with map-reading and navigation.

This trip did expose you to a different side of her that was not a good one. The bottom line, though, appears to be that the relationship is over. If she wanted to try to work things out, then she would be behaving differently. Whether that's the right decision for her or not is a different matter (she may be working against her best interests -- as people so often do), but that doesn't change the bottom line. So, it's up to you to move on now, too, and focus on finding someone who will be a better partner for you. Feelings can still be pretty raw after just a month, but you should be starting to feel more "normal" again. If not, as nophotos suggested, spending some time with a therapist who can help you process your feelings and develop healthier thought patterns about the relationship (e.g., a cognitive behavioral therapist) could be very helpful.

Good luck to you...
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #10  February 19,2010, 7:00am
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TrekRyder10 wrote :
They don't, but if someone created a whole new profile then it could happen. Many people do not realize even if you cancel your membership your profile is still in the database. I am not postivie on the exact timeframe it stays in the system, I have cancelled for up to six months and come back to log into the same profile.
Ahh yes, brand new profile. Hmm, hadn't even thought of that, Thank you!
 
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