Getting Over My Girlfriend's Past Lovers?

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vitamins Post #1 February 8,2010, 8:20am

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I've been seeing my girlfriend for the past 10 months and things started out perfectly. We met through eharmony, and we seemed to be very compatible. I find her beautiful, and love her personality. The only problem I have now is her past boyfriends. She's 31 years old, and I'm 34 years old. What bothers me is that when she was 25, she was with a 55 year old man of another race. I get very jealous. She said he was funny, and was in good shape for his age. I get jealous that a 55 year old man was sleeping with her during her prime years. For a 25 year old to be with a 55 year old, it's most likely to be about money. She told me when she was 18 to 23, she was living in Switzerland, and had a lot of fun. When she moved to Washington D.C., she said it was boring, and this 55 year old was able to take her around and travel, first class! She said she didn't see him often, maybe twice a month and they had sex about 20 times in a year to year and a half. For a girl to give her body just to travel makes me wonder about her integrity with sex. I wonder maybe she was a slut in europe since she's willing to cheapen her body for a sugardaddy. She said she's been with only one guy in europe, and the she didn't enjoy sex back then. That he was too rough and it was painful. I'll also be honest that the fact that both these guys are from a different race also bothers me considering I was teased by that race when I was younger. To have her give her virginity, and her body to a 55 year old afterward really kills me, and i'm here left with the left overs. She's 31 and is eager to get married, but I wonder if she's settling for me. She claims that i'm the best lover, but I wonder if she's only saying that to make me feel better. Sexually speaking, i've been with 6 other partners and she's the best fit i've ever been with. I asked about the size of the 55 year old, and he was a inch bigger, and a little thicker which took things over the edge for me. Now after having a great relationship for 8 months, these past two months has been hell. Almost on a daily basis I think of breaking up with her but I don't want to have any regrets. She's a great person, but her past has put a distance between us. I'm very insecure because of my personal past as well. I don't know if I should break up with her, and not find anyone as good as her or how I can get over this. I hear that her past will always be there, so I don't know how I can spend the rest of my life with her. She doesnt' have a greencard, and is here illegally now. I also wonder if she's using me for a greencard. I think she really loves me, but i'm starting to have my doubts now. Things are getting complicated and confusing.
I have doubts if she really loves me. I think she was eager in the beginning, but saw my doubts so things aren't so strong. When I do look into her eyes, I see her pupils dilate, so that makes me believe she really loves me. Sometimes she gets irritated and moody by me so I wonder if she really loves me, but I guess she can't always be happy. Once I remember trying to hug her on the streets and she wasn't open, but a few seconds later she gave me a big hug. I wondered if that was fake. I met her parents, and her mom treats me very well. She said she treats me like a son in law, and cooks for me every day.
My bosses friend told me to stay away, that for a girl to be with a 55 yr old who traveled, he must have been a heavy hitter. That my gf must be sophisticated and determined. He saw my jealousy as well, and advised that I look for a good old fashion traditional girl which I think is very hard to find at my age. Please advise.

scandalous Post #2 February 8,2010, 10:44am

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If you want things to work out for you and your girl, you have got to get over yourself!! I don't mean to sound harsh, but, honestly--listen to yourself!

First of all, everyone has the right to their privacy and their past. What she did before with anyone (sexually or otherwise) is her business, not yours. The fact that she even told you about the 55 year old man or anyone else, says that she trusts you enough to tell you. For you to go on asking for comparisons, and for her to constantly reassure you to stroke your ego...if that were me, I wouldn't do it.

All of these insecurities are yours. It sounds to me like you are not able to give fully enough to be in a relationship. You sound very judgmental. While you admit that you have issues toward people of a particular race, and then transfer that over to be jealous of a man from her past, sounds very shallow. And then to judge her for being involved with this man? We don't always expect to become attractive to a certain "type" but depending on where we are in our lives and who we stumble across, sparks fly. There's no wondering why about it.. It sounds like she enjoyed that part of her life, why hold it against her?

The bottom line is that she is with you now. Everything that she has experienced up until this point makes her the woman that she is, the woman that you say you find beautiful, with a personality you love. All of your doubts are coming from you. She is moody and irritated because (from what is sounds like) she is constantly having to explain herself to you, and justify her actions to you.

You have been with other woman, and nowhere do you say that she is having a problem with that. But she is a slut for having 2 previous lovers at the age of 31?

If I were her, I would have gotten tired about 2-3 months ago from all of this. She should not have to work this hard to seek your approval. If you love her, you are supposed to love her with an open heart, accept her exactly as she is, and not hold her past against her.

Seriously, I would have been walking a long time ago. I don't play games and I do not tolerate drama. I would suggest you take a good hard look at yourself and work on these things that bother you so much, or you will lose her.

Good luck!

Nanette Post #3 February 8,2010, 11:19am

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Hi I think it would be a good idea to step back from this for a couple of reasons.

You don't trust her, and I agree with you about her past to a degree. She was definitely gold digging with the older guy if she saw him so little and they mostly traveled together (if I got that right from your post).

The second reason is your insecurity and all of the reasons that you stated for it. I'm sure the circumstances contribute, but some of it also stands alone as something that may be there in other relationships.

Charger Post #4 February 8,2010, 11:26am

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You have two choices; deal with her past and accept it or move on. You were not with her, you didn't know her so why all the drama? Is she faithful to you in your current relationship, if so then let it go. If you cannot accept "her" for who she is right now, then you never will and it won't last and not because of her, but because of your own insecurities.

Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #5 February 8,2010, 11:47am

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Ahh I remember 25, good decisions are not what you are known for at 25. So you love her but YOU have issues with her being with a black man. YOU have issues with her being with this guy when he traveled. YOU have decided that she was after his money and not the adventure of travel. YOU are literally xxxx measuring(I really thought that was a figure of speach, who knew). I am hoping I put YOU in caps enough for you to get the idea you have the issues not her.

Boy I am glad I have a boyfriend that doesn't judge me for my past choices that I couldn't change even if I wanted to.

AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #6 February 8,2010, 12:24pm

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Can I just be Jo has it spot on. YOU seems to have all of these questions and doubts in your mind. YOU have the issue here, not her.

Please don't be so judgmental about her past. She cannot change it, and she wouldn't be who she is without having experienced it. Please don't compare yourself to her ex either. Both of these things will just eat at you until you sabotage the relationship even more than you have.

nunayabizness Post #7 February 8,2010, 12:47pm

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Your questions about her integrity are valid. Either she is extremely naieve or extremely cynical. Either way, that is a really bad thing.

I would not worry about her sexual history as much as WHY she was having sex with these people. "Size" and sexual skills are not the issue here. These days, no man "plants a flag," and even if he does, that flag is almost always ripped out and replaced. The problem is the type of person she is.

She was using this 55 year old man (I am sure he enjoyed himself, too), but to spend so much time (and have so much sex) with someone just to travel shows that she objectifies men (yes that can happen) for what they can do for her.

Odds are, it is not about you for her. It is about the green card or citizenship.

Turnabout is fair play in this situation. I suggest you do not marry her. Do not tell her of your intentions. Just use her for your needs (as she apparently uses other people) until you have decided it is time for you to walk away. When you dump her, she will cry, but it will most likely be out of frustration that her machinations were a failure.

nunayabizness Post #8 February 8,2010, 12:49pm

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AndieIsMe wrote :

Are you kidding me? Outside or the sexual inadequacy stuff, his concerns are valid.

OldManNoah Post #9 February 8,2010, 12:55pm

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What you're doing is called pain seeking. You, yes you, go looking for information to feed your insecurities. Look hard enough and you're guaranteed to find something. It always works that way.
If you can't handle the answers don't ask the questions.

There's a difference between some one who flaunts it and you asking.

Even if you did find a confirmed virgin who was totally into you, your insecurities would still drive you to invent suspicions when there is no reason to be. If you don't deal with this, like 5yrs ago, you'll keep making yourself miserable.

It would help if you'd learn more about women and the world at large.
18-23 yr olds leave home for adventures. Then settle down. Both sexes do it. Women get into their men, are built that way. Women say I don't care what we do, I just want to be with you. It's a rare man who says that. Sure some women mess around but more men do it.
If only 15% mess around that leaves the 85% of women who get into their men.The odds are so much in your favor.

Why are you afraid of a woman's sexuality? The old Madonna/Whore complex? Think about it, If you marry a woman who says no a lot, you'll be frustrated a lot. Then too, won't your insecurities have you thinking she's getting it somewhere else?

And stop calling her a slut. From an older guy to a younger one, you really piss me off when you do that.

It's guy's like you who give the rest of us a bad name. So gets some therapy, you can't afford not to. Make us proud then.

Oh, and you're setting yourself up to be lied too. You keep asking questions like you are, reacting like like you are and they/she will start to see that telling the truth works against them. So they'll start lying to you to protect your fragile male ego. Since the truth always finds a way out, then the hurt really begins and your insecurities will say "see, I knew she was lying, all women are liars." And you won't be able to see how you provoked what you feared most.

There will always be persons greater and lesser than yourself.
If my mate had a better lover than me, so what? Tell me what he did and we'll see if i can do it to. More fun for me

AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10 February 8,2010, 1:17pm

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nunayabizness wrote :

Are you kidding me? Outside or the sexual inadequacy stuff, his concerns are valid.

So, just wondering, are you as forth coming to all of your dates? This is for both you, nunaya and the OP. Does she know as much about your past as you apparently do her's? Does she ask how skinny those women are and compare herself?

That aside, you cannot change her.

If her past annoys you so much OP, and you want to stay with her, you need to find a way to get past it. She can't change what she did 5 minutes ago, much less 5 years ago.

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