BitBySweetness is offline BitBySweetness Post #1  February 6,2010, 6:24pm
BitBySweetnes…'s Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Feb 2010

Posts: 3

See profile

I'd like to give a Valentines Day gift to a co-worker but not sure what.
We've worked together for about a year, but it wasnt until recently that things kinda sparked. We'd talk when we got a chance at work - about life, work, little stuff. He'd usually put my hand on my back or shoulder. We've hung out once outside of work with others, where he picked up my tab (and didnt want me to know it was him).
I've asked him to go out again, and he said he'd be interested, but we never set a date yet.

Im in my early thirties, and he's about 20 years older than me. He's recently divorced. I was engaged once but that relationship didn't work.

I just thought it be nice to give him something to show I care.. both as a friend.. and a hint of more if he's interested.. but friendship more than anything since thats the basis for a lasting relationship.
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  February 6,2010, 6:35pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,651

See profile

I'm sorry, but I think this is not a good idea at all.

For one thing, taking a workplace romance into action should be an all-or-nothing commitment; playing on the periphery is taking too big a risk.

He paying for you, but not taking a clear move to pursue you, is a warning sign to me that he isn't ready for a relationship.

His recent divorce is a concern as well.

***

If you choose to go forward, I think the right action is to corner him, and state directly "I'd like to get to know you better; would you join me for dinner at [state the place you want to go]."
 
  Reply With Quote
yoga_gal is offline yoga_gal Post #3  February 6,2010, 6:41pm
yoga_gal's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Nov 2008

Posts: 4,782

See profile

I agree with DL. This seems like a bad idea. His interest seems vague and he has just gone through a divorce. I would keep it professional and keep the romance out of the workplace.
 
  Reply With Quote
Nanette is offline Nanette Post #4  February 6,2010, 6:43pm
Nanette's Avatar

~ giving gentle smack-downs... vewy vewy gentle

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2008

Posts: 7,451

See profile

D_Lion wrote :
I'm sorry, but I think this is not a good idea at all.

For one thing, taking a workplace romance into action should be an all-or-nothing commitment; playing on the periphery is taking too big a risk.

He paying for you, but not taking a clear move to pursue you, is a warning sign to me that he isn't ready for a relationship.

His recent divorce is a concern as well.

***

If you choose to go forward, I think the right action is to corner him, and state directly "I'd like to get to know you better; would you join me for dinner at [state the place you want to go]."
This was an excellent post till the bolded part.

Don't ever corner men unless you are well acquainted, you know he wants you and you plan to accost him with kisses.
 
  Reply With Quote
BitBySweetness is offline BitBySweetness Post #5  February 6,2010, 7:09pm
BitBySweetnes…'s Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Feb 2010

Posts: 3

See profile

Divorce was a year ago.

One day he asked me twice what time I got off... and I told him the time.. it didnt down on me at the time that it could've been a offer to do something after..

id like to offfer friendship.. let him know im open to talking, hangin out, etc. even though ive never been married, i understand what its like to be cheated on, which is what his wife did..
 
  Reply With Quote
scandalous is offline scandalous Post #6  February 6,2010, 7:52pm
scandalous's Avatar

is happy.

Pacesetter

Joined: Nov 2009

California

Posts: 250

See profile

BitBySweetness wrote :
Divorce was a year ago.

One day he asked me twice what time I got off... and I told him the time.. it didnt down on me at the time that it could've been a offer to do something after..

id like to offfer friendship.. let him know im open to talking, hangin out, etc. even though ive never been married, i understand what its like to be cheated on, which is what his wife did..
Personally, I don't date guys I work with. That's just my preference. I don't like to mix work with my personal life.

Some other things to consider:

Shared circumstances (infidelity) does not equate shared interests and goals. Sure, you can relate with each other on that subject, but if you allow it to be the basis of what you have in common, then after he heals from that, he might not look to you for comfort or confiding.

It's best to look for other signs if you are compatible or not. Do you have other interests and goals other than work that you can share? If not, then there won't be enough to sustain it.

You say you would like to offer friendship, which sounds like you are hoping for more in the future. Ask yourself why you want to be his friend? Is it because you genuinely like him, or is it because he has been paying attention to you?

Also, the age difference. In my own experience, I have had issues about getting involved with older men. They tended to start treating me like a daughter, rather than a woman. Telling me what I should and shouldn't do, doing simple things for me that I could easily do for myself, scolding me when I made a mistake, lecturing me, wanting to be "in charge" of my life. I have a Dad, I don't need another one. Not to mention, the age gap made it hard to relate to things in general, such as tastes in music, movies, hobbies, etc. Not to say all older men do this, just the ones I tried to date.

It could be with his recent divorce that he is just lonesome and looking for attention from a woman. If he was married for quite awhile, he got used to having a woman's company (not talking about sex, but companionship). A lot of people who have gone through a divorce want to quickly fill an empty space, without considering who the person is that's filling it. They just don't want it to be empty. His interest seems vague. If he wanted to get together with you after work, it seems like he's had plenty of chances to ask.

It could also be that he just sees you as a co-worker/friend, and nothing more, and his efforts at being nice are making you think it is more than that. I had a male, married co-worker who is 20 years older than me that sometimes paid my bill when we had lunch together. He was brought up in that generation that a man paid for a woman, regardless, because that was being a gentleman. He also opened doors and did other chivalrous stuff. That was just his way.

I wouldn't get him a Valentine's gift, as a way of offering friendship, or showing that you care. I've only given Valentine's gifts to men that I was either in a serious relationship with, wanted to be in a serious relationship with and we'd known each other for a while (and I was pretty certain it was going in that direction), or my ex-husband when I was married. Never to a male co-worker or friend. It could give this guy the wrong idea and screw up the dynamic at work. If you would like just a friendship, just keep things casual at work and remain friendly with him. As time passes, you'll be able to read more into his actions and figure out what his intentions are.

Let him pursue you. And remember, you as the woman has the power in where your love life goes. Be selective. Don't allow a man to choose you, you choose the right man after he shows you a significant level of obvious interest. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be seeing enough from his behavior to be clear that he wants much more than a work friendship.
 
  Reply With Quote
lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #7  February 6,2010, 9:00pm
lucky173's Avatar

says "I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported"

Veteran

Joined: Feb 2008

NY

Posts: 1,510

See profile

BitBySweetness wrote :
Divorce was a year ago.

One day he asked me twice what time I got off... and I told him the time.. it didnt down on me at the time that it could've been a offer to do something after..

id like to offfer friendship.. let him know im open to talking, hangin out, etc. even though ive never been married, i understand what its like to be cheated on, which is what his wife did..
Completely agree with D_Lion's post from above.

Wanted to quote this to comment, that someone simply asking you what time you got off work, regardless of how many times they ask... means only what meaning YOU give it.

Try not to read in to things that might not even be there.
 
  Reply With Quote
littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #8  February 7,2010, 7:24am
littlebluemon…'s Avatar

Unregistered

Joined: Jul 2008

Posts: 13,649

See profile

Seconding all the warnings about getting involved with someone you work with. This is high-risk behavior.

I would also be concerned about a man his age who doesn't know better than to keep his hands off co-workers. That indicates a level of unawareness that I would find troubling.

You cannot be friends with a man with whom you are hoping for more. I would not allow a male co-worker who had shown some interest in me to pick up my tab. It's simply inappropriate. More than likely you will simply become the target of office gossip and he may or may not allow you to become a part of his life in any real way.

My rule of thumb: don't date at work. If I have a crush at work, I keep it to myself. Inevitably, it passes. We spend all day with people, it's impossible not to think of some of them in a romantic sense. However, if you are serious about your career (or job, if that is what it is to you), then your professional success and reputation should be your first concern in the workplace.

Good luck.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; February 7,2010 at 7:26am.
 
  Reply With Quote
ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #9  February 7,2010, 3:31pm
ami1uwant's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Feb 2008

Seattle, WA

Posts: 4,638

See profile

I thought sex would be a good option.....

But as others have said this something you really should go for something if you want something.
 
  Reply With Quote
misswright is offline misswright Post #10  February 7,2010, 4:23pm

Quick Study

Joined: Nov 2009

Baltimore,maryland

Posts: 205

See profile

yoga_gal wrote :
I agree with DL. This seems like a bad idea. His interest seems vague and he has just gone through a divorce. I would keep it professional and keep the romance out of the workplace.
they both gave you some sound advice you cannot mix work place with personal even to give a little gift might read more in to thing that leave big question with out the real answers..
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Family photos | Ask a Dating Expert | How do I stop getting too attached to my matches too soon? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Men care more about ownership than love lilbangladesh Relationships 45 February 11,2010 7:13am
Idea for Valentines Day to show I care... BitBySweetness Ask a Dating Expert 0 February 6,2010 3:09pm
Your favorite gift that you have given? Glimflicker About You 24 December 26,2009 3:55pm
Fear Mongering On the Health Care Issue DennisWisconsin Atheists, Humorists, and Science 52 August 20,2009 4:08pm
Has Customer Care helped you find your Special Someone? eH_Advice_Host_Renee Success Stories 0 June 5,2009 4:52pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Does he date women his own age? Who pays? If he still hasn't called by tonight, should you call him? I can understand his read. It doesn't sound like you'll lose any sleep over Bill if you never ... ” –  Carole1520

Join the “My first "Matchmaker" date” discussion

“JNS - the way I handle these sparse/photoless profiles is to Archive them. If there is no photo, you can send a photo nudge. Also, keep an eye on the updates section on your home page. There it will ... ” –  mitchell175

Join the “Sparse profiles.” discussion

“ Thank you for your feedback, Sweetnectar. I've actually stopped the smoking thing because I'm not even sure why I do it when drinking. But I've also stopped receiving matches for now! No other ... ” –  Scott_in_LA

Join the “Profile and Pics Review, Please (M/38)” discussion

“List red flags for men Moderators are watching Get back on topic” –  harnomygirl

Join the “RED flags for men” discussion

“Here's the ad. Want your hair blown back? Trojan Vibrations Commercial Neighbors - YouTube You poor thing! Were you bad? Tweet ... This is the one, though now you did make me have to watch all ... ” –  Shelby

Join the “What kind of add you see on this board?” discussion

“That's the whole point of me posting here instead of saying all this to him. Because I KNOW it's too much. So that's what I'm saying - I am backing off. I'm not pressing. I put the ball in his court ... ” –  Holiday_HH

Join the “I think I blew it...” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 12:09pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0