My boyfriend is having a baby with another woman

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Unpeached Post #1 February 1,2010, 5:34pm

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This is my story. My current boyfriend and I have been friends for 2 years. During that time he was going through a divorce and we agreed to just be friends because 1) it was an ugly divorce, and 2) he told me he still loved his soon to be ex-wife. In October of 2009, we decided to get closer, and start a relationship. Just last week he told me he got a phone call from a woman who is saying she is 5 months pregnant by him. This is so devastating. I just don't know what to do. I'm so in love with this guy. This is what he told me: this woman was someone who use to come to him and his ex-wife's house. They all B-B-Qued together, went out to dinner together, they weren't all friends but associated and hung out together often. But during the separation and after the divorce he still confided, spoke with her on the phone and often went out with her and other friends. And of course this one particular time him, her, and 2 of her other friends all went out to dinner for her girlfriend's birthday. One thing lead to another and they slept together. He even explained that afterwards he had this weird, ackward, and wrong feeling and told her it was a mistake and that having sex ended the friendship. This is the kicker, he used a condom. During the conversation of him telling her that he wanted a DNA test because he used a condom, her response was, it's yours and it happened, and that she would take care of the baby by herself. He asked her why did she wait until she was 5 months pregnant to tell him, and why did she even bother to call and tell him. She said she didn't call because she knew he would talk her out of it, she wanted the baby and that she did not want to get rid of it because she's 35 and does not know if she would ever get the opportunity to have a child again. Now what do you think of that? He told her that he did not love her, that he felt she planned this and set it up because she knew how much he valued family and how much he loves his daughter. He told her that he was already in a relationship and if she thought he was going to be with her she was dead wrong. He told her he could never trust her after what she did, they were never in a relationship that it was something that just happened, it was a big mistake (I told him an 18 year mistake), and if she thought that he would have that baby and take care of it the way he is with his daughter that she was wrong. He told her that when he had his daughter he was marrried, and him and his wife were in love, that he does not love her and if she thinks that he will be with her because of this, she's dead wrong because it was a one shot deal with them. He will be a father to that child and that's it, it will be nothing between the two of them. But this is my problem. Although him and I were only friends until a few months ago, I was only involved with him. I explained this to him and told him that I felt as though he cheated on me, because I never thought that he was involved with someone else sexually. He keeps telling me he wasn't involved with her like that, they had no relationship it was something that just happened and that's it. I'm just so confused and scared, I'm not sure if I want to continue this relationship. 1-because I know he is a good father which means that she is basically still getting close to what she wanted, him in her life for atleast 18years. He may not love her, but he is the father of her child. As far as I'm concerned it doesn't matter, she doesn't need his friendship, she has something better, his child. He's stressed, I'm stressed, he's does nothing now except for sleep and go to work; last week when he found out he couldn't sleep, but now he does nothing, the only thing we do is ask each other are we okay, huge, kiss and that's it. We use to have sex practically everyday, sometimes 3 times a day. For the first time ever, in 2 years he told me no last night. I asked him if he was seeing someone else, honestly meaning if he sleeping with her, he told me no. He said why in the world would I sleep with her after what she did. He said he has not seen or heard from her since then. He said he learned his lesson, that women can't be trusted, not even with a condom. I'm barely functioning, I cry a lot. I'm not sure what this means, but I don't think this is something I can handle. I've went as far as talking to a counselor on my job. I asked him if he told his ex-wife (now this woman is a maniac, she is going to go through the roof, and probably give him problems with seeing his daughter, which will be something else I have to deal with), he said he's not with his ex-wife he's with me, and I'm the one who needed to know. I truly believe that he loves me, and I love him, but this is a BIG mistake, this is tough. As you can see from my extended note, I really need help with this one. We have vacations planned, I'm not sure what to do... Any advice?

Peaches

ami1uwant Post #2 February 2,2010, 12:56pm

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First thing, he needs to have a paternity test to even confirm if this child was his.

5 months pregnant puts the sex around the begining of sepetember...when did he have sex with her?

You sem to look at this as him cheating on you...its not. You were just friends at the time and if he is the father..as he said it was one of those times it just happened.

Unpeached Post #3 February 2,2010, 7:13pm

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Thanks for your honesty. Maybe I'm overacting. Because my sister keeps saying the same thing. The bottom line is she thought she would have his baby and he would be with her. But unfortunately for the baby, her plan backfired. I'm going to try it, and see how it works. Today was a better day for me. He told me something yesterday that made me feel better. He said if he wanted to be with her, he would've not told me anything and just went with her and made them a family. But instead, he came to me so that I would know that there's a possibility that he may have a child out there. Hoping that we could continue with what we have, and he's where he wants to be. He does not love her, he does not want to be with her. But he's hoping that I would be supportive to him, he's not asking me to be acceptive of the child nor involved, but he feels if were planning a future together I should know.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Last edited by Unpeached; February 2,2010 at 7:17pm. Reason: Spelling, vocabulary

Wonderwoman402 Post #4 February 2,2010, 8:34pm

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Wow. You've got a tough situation.

He gets big points for honesty and letting you know all of this. But he did make a big mistake. No, he didn't cheat on you, but he made a mistake nonetheless. One that, if true, will be with him the rest of his life. Because children aren't just for 18 years... they are your children for a lifetime. The financial obligation may end at 18 (or 19, depending on the age of majority in your state), but the bond of parenthood is forever.

I think you're going to have to give this situation some more time to see if you can handle it and to see how he really reacts. He may completely change his tune once the baby is born. He may decide to petition for joint custody rather than just settle for visitation. Even though he has told you he doesn't expect you to be accepting of his child nor involved, in reality you will need to be both. If you two were to be together and married, you would be that child's stepmother as well as stepmother to his daughter. He becomes a package deal, like it or not. You need to do some soul searching to see if you really can be supportive of him and embrace the entire package. If you can't be 100% supportive (meaning, among other things, you won't throw this 'love child' up in his face every time you have an argument), then you should bow out of the relationship with him.

Do you want children with him? If so, you need to fully explore his feelings toward any more children after this.

He needs to insist on a paternity test as soon as the baby is born. If she is not agreeable, he will need legal advice. Actually, he could probably use some legal advice about the situation right now.

You have some tough decisions and tough emotions to sort through. I wish you all the luck possible. And I'm offering you this because I think you could use one: (((((((hug)))))))

KungFuFtr Post #5 February 2,2010, 9:55pm

I just saved a bundle on child support by switching to condoms!

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Unpeached wrote :

He told her he could never trust her after what she did, they were never in a relationship that it was something that just happened, it was a big mistake (I told him an 18 year mistake), and if she thought that he would have that baby and take care of it the way he is with his daughter that she was wrong. He will be a father to that child and that's it, it will be nothing between the two of them. I explained this to him and told him that I felt as though he cheated on me, because I never thought that he was involved with someone else sexually. He keeps telling me he wasn't involved with her like that, they had no relationship it was something that just happened and that's it. He said he learned his lesson, that women can't be trusted, not even with a condom. I'm not sure what to do... Any advice?

Peaches

OK
My finely tuned BS radar is going off. The lady is 5 months pregnant. That's just before the time you two dated, convenient. It's not like he would say "I cheated on you four months ago." Maybe you should find when her due date is. Maybe he cheated, maybe he didn't.

Your boyfriend said "It was something that just happened, that's it"? Yeah, it's just a pregnancy, no big deal. He's just sweeping things under the carpet. It also takes two to tango. It's not like he slipped on a banana peel and landed on top of her and made her pregnant. If it's something that "just happened", beware of his future behavior. It would be unfortunate if he accidentally got others pregnant by doing simple tasks e.g. walking through crowds; bumping into a stranger (figuratively or literally); giving hugs. "Things happen" and people get pregnant, no biggie.

I do feel that this guy is being a tool for not stepping up to the plate. Yes, maybe the lady wanted a baby and maybe she supplied him with a Swiss-cheese condom, regardless, it's not fair for the new child for him to turn his back. People must realize a potential side affect of having sex is pregnancy. There is always a chance...

p.s.
You might want to check with your doctor and get a thorough check for STDs
Please use paragraphs too, as It's easier on the eyes.

mrflyer Post #6 February 3,2010, 1:34pm

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KungFuFtr wrote :

Please use paragraphs too, as It's easier on the eyes.

Agreed- I didn't attempt to read that first post for that reason, but I'm curious if the guy's name is John Edwards.

superbeetle Post #7 February 3,2010, 2:47pm

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For me, the big red flag here is his blaming all of this on her. How on earth does he know she "planned" it? Condoms have a failure rate around 10-18%. Everytime you have sex with one you're taking a risk, and he needs to own up to his own responsibility here. And now he thinks all women are untrustworthy? Sorry, but this doesn't sound like a great guy, no matter how much you like him.

newbie40something Post #8 February 3,2010, 3:15pm

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I have a question. Maybe it is relevant, maybe not. But, you said you didn't start a relationship until October. However, later you said that you used to have sex up to 3 times a day, but recently, he told you "no" for the first time in two years. What does that mean?

Just curious, were you guys having sex for two years, but didn't get into an official relationship until October?

Unpeached Post #9 February 3,2010, 7:11pm

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Wonderwoman402 wrote :

Thanks for the hug. I need it. In answer to your question if I want to have children with him? Not anymore. We've had discussions about having children because he does want more children. He comes from a big family, his mother and father have been married for 60+ years and he is 1 of 11 kids. So I know what having a family and marriage means to him.

But we agreed to atleast wait until I finish nursing school, and we get married then we would start a family. I already have children, but we've talked about us having a family together. But right now, I'm having second thoughts.

At this point, if we have a child, for me it would be for the wrong reason. To prove to her that it doesn't take much to concieve a child.

Thanks for your thoughts, and that hug.....

Last edited by Unpeached; February 3,2010 at 7:12pm. Reason: grammar

Unpeached Post #10 February 3,2010, 7:28pm

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He said her due date is sometime in May 2010. He doesn't know the exact date. But I thank you for your honesty. It's always nice to get a man's point of view.

Now he tells me that he will be a father to the child. That was a concern of mine, only because I felt if we had kids what would he do to me. But he said he would be a father to the child and that's it.

And your absolutely right about the future behavior. That's something else I need to consider. As far as being tested for STD's we did that last Thursday, we have always used condoms and still do, but I suggested and felt the need to have it done.

Thanks for the reminder about paragraphs. I was so engrossed in thought I forgot about that.

I'm sorry.

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