Should I have told her I was dating someone else?


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as1977 is offline as1977 Post #1  December 1,2009, 2:06pm
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Hello,
I started dating 2 women pretty much at the same time about 2 months ago. By started dating I mean we actually met for the 1st time about 2 months ago. I met both of them on eharmony but we obviously exchanged emails, etc. for a little before.

While I should not complain, things were going pretty well with both of them. I have stronger feeling for one of them so last night I told the other one the truth. I said I started dating someone at the same time and things progressed faster with her. We never had a discussion about being exclusive and we did not have intercourse. We did everyhting else though. We saw each other about 8 times over the 2 months.

Well she didnt say anything on the phone when I said this but she texted me later saying that i should i do something to myself and she couldnt believe that I could be dating someone else considering we were going out for 3 months. I didnt understand this but maybe she was counting us talking through eharmony, but we did only start dating 2 months ago. I really upset/pissed her off it looks like.

I do feel very bad about this becasue I am not a player. I never had this "option" before. I tried to be honest but I think she over reacted (?) Can you assume exclusivity without having talked about it? Please advise.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  December 2,2009, 5:42am
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Some people will assume exlcusivity just based on length of dating time and frequency of dates, some people will assume you are not exclusive. I don't think this is the real issue behind her anger here even if she did assume exclusivity.

Telling her that you are dumping her for another woman was frankly cruel and tactless of you. You did not need to tell her that, all you needed to tell her is that you just don't see a future with her and that's that. No wonder she is angry - not only she got dumped, she got dumped for someone else - quite a blow to anyone's ego. I'm rather surprised how you don't see that your "honesty" was brutal and completely misplaced.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  December 2,2009, 6:47am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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You're 'danged' if you do and 'danged' if you don't. If you had just told her you don't want to see her any more she'd have wondered why....probably wondering what she 'did wrong' (as so many people do on this forum). When you actually did tell her 'why'...she got ticked. That's just the way it goes. I just hope that you actually meant to stop seeing her at this point....because that ship has now sailed.
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #4  December 2,2009, 7:16am
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This is the downfall of dating multiple people with no exclusivity. This is the price you pay for expanding your dating pool. If your goal is to have a LTR, then you will have to dump the others if one works out above the rest. It is a huge undertaking. The fact that you feel bad, means you are not a player, but you did make some mistakes.

The first one was leading both of them to think there was no one else even by omission. I'm not saying you need to broadcast all your dates with other dates, but you shouldn't let them assume you are exclusive even if you never had that "talk". That comfortable avoidance of the subject can lead to your situation. If your "dumped" date knew in the beginning that there maybe others, then it may not have been such a blow, but then again, it might never have gotten a second date because of it.

I was in your situation a while back. I had to dump three women. One took it hard, the other two understood.

As for being brutal. You may have been a tad brutal, but really, she would have probed. She would have pushed. You could have lied to her, or told her the truth. You chose the truth, which in my opinion, would have been the better option. The one I dumped that took it hard, I did it by saying something like "I don't think I can pursue a romantic relationship with you any further" Immediately, she started questioning me on why. She thought she screwed it up somehow, and I didn't want her to believe that. She was a good person, but i had to choose. You may have been brutal, but the reverse of her believing she screwed it up, I think is worse. This way, you can burden the blame (and you should, you chose against her), and let her go.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #5  December 2,2009, 8:05am
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next time tell people that you multi date. that should take care of the problem. if she is one of those people that wants to date one person at a time and expects the person that she is dating to do so also then that puts the choice in her hands instead of yours. she is free to continue on with you or not after that revelation.
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #6  December 2,2009, 8:38am

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I want to say most women know that you might be going out with multiple people within the first 1-2 months after you've met. This is online dating after all. My old-fashion view would be that they would be more upset because you've 'done everything else' but the kitchen sink. Even as a guy (who stereotypically often viewed as neanderthals with no emotions) I would be a bit suprised if a woman told me he'd pick somebody else even after all the physical stuff. If I really really liked her I'd be upset too.

Going out on dates with multiple people is fine. Once you've gone physical with them that's a sign of exclusivity...at least for me.
Last edited by PY_2; December 2,2009 at 8:40am.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #7  December 2,2009, 10:54am
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Here's a generalization about women: if you get physical with her beyond a certain point, she's going to assume you're bonding and creating a couple.

Not all women do this. Sounds like maybe yours did.

I like Nanette's advice: tell her upfront, before she gets too involved and before you've gotten physical at all. Then she can make her choices. This doesn't mean she still won't make assumptions which might be wrong, and you might end up with messy breakups. But at least you'll know you tried.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #8  December 2,2009, 12:52pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Another aspect of the whole 'dating multiple people' topic is the fact that you're interacting with another person(s). There are a whole range of attitudes toward this topic which are reasonable and only a matter of personal preference. However, despite the fact that you have a 'right' to your own opinion....the fact is you also have to navigate another person's attitudes.

For example, while you might be ok with dating multiple people after a first date or even after having had sex...someone you're seeing might not. If you have an interest in continuing to see someone who doesn't share your own attitudes you may need to compromise to accommodate him or her.
 
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Cathy61 is offline Cathy61 Post #9  December 2,2009, 8:40pm
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She just learned a lesson the hard way. Most people on dating sites are dating multiple people. She needs to assume that she is not in an exclusive relationship and decide how physical she wants to get with a person who is probably dating others.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #10  December 2,2009, 8:57pm

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well, you were not just 'dating' you said you did everything 'but' intercourse.

and it was 2 months.

can you blame her for being a but hurt and surprised?

men seem to want women to go in blindly trusting and being all free and happy.

This attitude can only come from complete optimism that things will likely work out.

If you go in with your eyes wide open, trust me...doing everything 'but' intercourse isn't likely to happen.

It's a horrible thought to think you were doing the same things with antoher girl at the same time....and basically comparing the results.

that is basically what you did.

'omitting' is not the same as being honest.
 
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