So confused. Did I move too soon? Is there hope?


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Threeshadesofconfused is offline Threeshadesofconfused Post #1  November 18,2009, 9:57pm
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Hey folks. I'm somewhat new to the dating scene (and these forums - I know, surprising!), and hoping I can nab some advice; I seem to need it badly. I've been a really shy guy for most of my life, and decided to finally try turning that around recently. Unfortunately, this made for an awkward situation.

The situation being that I am somewhat attracted to my neighbor, but that I only pass her very occasionally. She struck me as the shy type, and initially wouldn't even meet my gaze. After a short introduction one day, I seemed to elicit a smile when I passed her, which I returned. . I also managed to have a few very short conversations (however, I'm often with friends, reasoning for keeping them brief). Because of passing her infrequently, and being that she was very likely shy as well, I decided to try to approach her for a lunch date. Figured I could talk to her during that to determine if it'd work out (I suppose I thought of it more as just getting to know the person and not any kind of official date-date). I had not passed her for a couple of weeks, and decided that I would muster my courage, go over, knock and ask. So I did, albeit I ran into a few problems. Being shy, it was incredibly difficult to brave it, and I'll be the first to admit I didn't sound like the most confident guy you'd ever met. In addition, a room-mate initially answered the door, then stood behind her while I asked.
My problem, then (aside from the fall from grace detailed in the previous paragraph) was that I got an "I don't know" for an answer. I was prepared for a "yes", I was prepared for a "no", but "I don't know" sent me for a complete loop. I ended up with a few clipped things like "that's understandable" and "no worries" before retreating back to my apartment.

So to my question: Where do I go from here? Should I just cash in my chips and move on? I'm thoroughly confused, and my friends have suggested everything from another direct knock on the door to waiting til I pass again (which could be weeks->months).
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  November 19,2009, 11:06am
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Well.....dating a neighbor can be tricky and quickly become uncomfortable in terms of giving each other personal space, not to mention what happens if/when you break up. So her hesitation and need to think things over actually makes sense. I'm not sure I would go knocking on her door again, but if you happen to run into her again, it's fair to renew the offer and see what she says then. In the meantime, you should be out dating and having fun regardless - don't hold your breath waiting for this girl in particular.
 
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kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #3  November 19,2009, 11:17am
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DancingFool wrote :
Well.....dating a neighbor can be tricky and quickly become uncomfortable in terms of giving each other personal space, not to mention what happens if/when you break up. So her hesitation and need to think things over actually makes sense. I'm not sure I would go knocking on her door again, but if you happen to run into her again, it's fair to renew the offer and see what she says then. In the meantime, you should be out dating and having fun regardless - don't hold your breath waiting for this girl in particular.
I agree with this. Don't knock on the door again. You've made the first move, now she needs breathing space to think about it. Wait until you pass again or she contacts you.
Meanwhile, start talking to other women.

Good luck.
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #4  November 19,2009, 4:04pm
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I understand what you are going through. I have the shyness when approaching women out of the blue like you did. You made your effort and if she doesnt want to go out with you then that is her loss.

You need to move on and not wait for her and its up to her to make the next move. If she doesnt know where you live then that may be a problem.
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #5  November 19,2009, 9:41pm
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Threeshadesofconfused wrote :
Hey folks. I'm somewhat new to the dating scene (and these forums - I know, surprising!), and hoping I can nab some advice; I seem to need it badly. I've been a really shy guy for most of my life, and decided to finally try turning that around recently. Unfortunately, this made for an awkward situation.

The situation being that I am somewhat attracted to my neighbor, but that I only pass her very occasionally. She struck me as the shy type, and initially wouldn't even meet my gaze. After a short introduction one day, I seemed to elicit a smile when I passed her, which I returned. . I also managed to have a few very short conversations (however, I'm often with friends, reasoning for keeping them brief). Because of passing her infrequently, and being that she was very likely shy as well, I decided to try to approach her for a lunch date. Figured I could talk to her during that to determine if it'd work out (I suppose I thought of it more as just getting to know the person and not any kind of official date-date). I had not passed her for a couple of weeks, and decided that I would muster my courage, go over, knock and ask. So I did, albeit I ran into a few problems. Being shy, it was incredibly difficult to brave it, and I'll be the first to admit I didn't sound like the most confident guy you'd ever met. In addition, a room-mate initially answered the door, then stood behind her while I asked.
My problem, then (aside from the fall from grace detailed in the previous paragraph) was that I got an "I don't know" for an answer. I was prepared for a "yes", I was prepared for a "no", but "I don't know" sent me for a complete loop. I ended up with a few clipped things like "that's understandable" and "no worries" before retreating back to my apartment.

So to my question: Where do I go from here? Should I just cash in my chips and move on? I'm thoroughly confused, and my friends have suggested everything from another direct knock on the door to waiting til I pass again (which could be weeks->months).
Dear ThreeShadesOfConfused,

Welcome to eHarmony Advice (eHA) and thanks for posting.

Congratulations on working to overcome your shyness. You will find that when you focus on the other person and not on yourself, that will help tremendously. People aren't focusing on us anywhere near as much as we think they are. Most people are generally consumed with their own lives and focusing on their things and not giving us anywhere near the thought we might think!

Well, you've certainly learned a lot from this. If you knock on someone's door again who has roommates and a roommate answer, you might say something like this, "Is _______ here? I'd like to have a brief private moment of her time."

If the person doesn't get the hint and stands behind the person after she comes to the door, say, as you look directly at the person standing behind, "Please give us a moment . . . , " and then wait for the person to leave before speaking.

Your question probably caught the girl by surprise and she just didn't know what to say, especially with the other person standing there listening.

In the future with whomever, while you're doing one of those infrequent passerbys with the person, as you leave you might want to casually say in an off-the-cuff fashion, "Fun talking with you. Let's see if we can get together over lunch sometime if that suits you," as you're walking off. That way, she'll be thinking about it in advance possibly.

I know you were thrown off by her answer of, "I don't know;" however, other responses on your part could have been, "I'd appreciate your consideration and will check back with you in a few days," or, pulling out of piece of paper and pen, say, "Is it OK if we exchange phone numbers? That way you can think about it and I'll call you in the next two days. Here's my number and you can write your's here if you'd like. I was thinking of something casual like that deli shop down the road."

Here, you're being low-key and non-threatening and keeping in close to home.

Another thing you can do is mail her a brief note to this effect, "Hey ________,

Wanted to follow up on the lunch invitation. How does either (and name two different days that you think she might be available) sound around 11:00 AM at that place ____________ just down the road?"

Here's my email or phone if you could let me know by this (give a date about two days away). Looking forward to hearing from you."

Then, wait and see what happens. If you know the phone number of the place she is, then you could include in the note that you'll call her at such and such a time if that's convenient to her.

After all, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Again, good for you on working to overcome your shyness.

Write and let us know how it goes!

JavaJava5
 
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beautifulgenius is offline beautifulgenius Post #6  November 20,2009, 2:41pm
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Only time will tell what she will do. And you didn't do anything wrong. You need to work on not being so shy, and trust your instincts. Lots of people have troubles with asking someone out. Just keep trying.
 
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Threeshadesofconfused is offline Threeshadesofconfused Post #7  November 20,2009, 2:58pm
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Thanks for all the advice and encouragement guys. I decided to take Java's note advice, simply because it seems more of a surefire to getting a direct answer (one way or the other). Even though I'd prefer a "yes", I believe a "no" would still be much better than sitting in limbo. I've already made some plans to meet others as well, so if it doesn't work out, I'm ready to keep moving.

Shyness is definitely something I need to work on (or off, haha), but I figure it'll take it's course as I go. Now that I recognize the specific limitations of it, and where to go from there, it will hopefully be much easier to deal with.

Thanks again for the advice, and I will post again when/if I hear a response to the note. Hopefully it'll be on advice further down the dating tree, but we'll see. Fingers crossed, knock on wood and all that.
 
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