Advice and Support from Thousands of Users Just Like You

Ask a Dating Expert See what our experts have to say, and then weigh in with your own advice. This discussion board is a great place to discover the wisdom of the group.

Reply
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
 
LinkBack (1) Thread Tools
ojoyfulone ojoyfulone is offline
ojoyfulone's Avatar

Newbie

Join Date: Oct 2009

Posts: 22

See profile

Hi,

I'm pretty new to the boards here and just a little reluctant to post this, but it seems to always be in the back of my mind.

I need some suggestions and/or encouragement on how to handle some issues of fear with starting a relationship.

First, let me explain that I am physically disabled and have never had the opportunity to experience what most do as far as dating through high school, college years, etc. So, let's just say that I consider myself very imature when it comes to any kind of talk of a relationship.

I signed up at eHarmony once again with the hope that I may get a chance to meet some guys (which has not been too successful this time around so far either), but I'm deathly afraid to move beyond chatting via email. I clam up when talking on the phone and I have a fear of seeing someone alone for the first couple times (which makes for an awkard situation I know). Guys, would you be understanding of this or would you just lose patience with me?

How do I deal with the fears that I'm having and the confidence that I lack in experience............thinking most of my matches will pick up on this immediately. I can't lie and say that I've been in a relationship before. And a lot of the first set of questions that guys send to me (not that there have been very many at all) lend themselves to prior experience of being in a relationship. For instance, do you like a lot of romance in a relationship or are you physically affectionate in a relationship, etc., etc. I have no idea if I would be or not because I have never been in a serious relationship. So, I answer honestly and tell them that for the most part.

How can I at least seem confident even though I lack experience in dating and/or meeting someone for the first time?

TIA

Joy
- November 18th, 2009, 06:58 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#1   Reply With Quote
littlebluemonkeymind littlebluemonkeymind is offline
littlebluemonkeymind's Avatar

Power Poster

Join Date: Jul 2008

Posts: 8,721

See profile

Focus on the positive in your responses. Tell the truth but tell it in a positive way. "I've been working on other aspects of making my life what I want it to be. Now I'm ready to focus on finding someone to share it with." Even if you haven't had a romance, I'm guessing you have some idea of what you'd like a relationship to be. If not, thinking about that and being able to communicate it will help make the questions seem less foreign.

As for ways to build confidence, you might try working within your current social circle. Asking friends to go out with you just for fun and getting comfortable with that. Try chatting with some new people each time while you have that social safety net to fall back on.

You might also consider asking a male friend to play the part of a match on the phone and get comfortable with several avenues of conversation.

In terms of meeting new matches, there's nothing wrong with suggesting a group activity the first time around. It's a bit unusual but it might work to ease your discomfort a bit and you can really tell a lot about someone by how they treat your friends.

I guess, in short, I'm saying use the support resources you have to build that confidence. I think once you've been on a few dates, you'll see that it's not so hard.

Also, do some reading here about ways to date safely. Learn how to take care of yourself when meeting strangers, and think about some of the boundary issues or incompatibilities that might come up and decide a strategy beforehand on how you'll deal with them.

Finally, don't take the rejection inherent to online dating personally. A lot of us have more experience with dating and relationships and still struggle to find someone who is a good fit.

If you look at it as a fun adventure instead of something big and scary that you have no experience with, you'll project more confidence. The saying "fake it till you make it" applies here, to some extent.

Good luck.
- November 18th, 2009, 07:22 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#2   Reply With Quote
clearlyoblique clearlyoblique is offline
clearlyoblique's Avatar

clearlyoblique is smoking crayola

Virtuoso

Join Date: Jan 2009

Posts: 2,661

See profile

You have experience in relationships. You have parents and siblings and friends (and pets?)

If you have long term friendships, then you have long term relationships and are evidently able to bond and create lasting ties.

If someone is asking for this information, you can justifiably use this parallel.

Look at other areas of your life for more parallels. Do you have a pet? As crazy as this sounds, this is a pretty good indicator if you like physical contact when you are happy, sad, etc.

I am physically reserved with those I do not know but touchy when I know and care for people. This surprises some people who don't know me in this context. But if they see me with my dog ... they could have guessed.

You may feel vulnerable going through this process ... but we all do ... for various reasons. I think the best thing you can do when you are nervous is pretend you are speaking to someone like yourself ... that deserves to be heard.
- November 18th, 2009, 08:19 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#3   Reply With Quote
clearlyoblique clearlyoblique is offline
clearlyoblique's Avatar

clearlyoblique is smoking crayola

Virtuoso

Join Date: Jan 2009

Posts: 2,661

See profile

And another thing ...

Dating to some degree is a skill. You can develop this.

But being an authentic person? That's rare and wonderful.

So don't forget that you have a lot to offer ... by being honest, open, caring and real.
- November 18th, 2009, 08:22 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#4   Reply With Quote
ojoyfulone ojoyfulone is offline
ojoyfulone's Avatar

Newbie

Join Date: Oct 2009

Posts: 22

See profile

clearlyoblique wrote :
You have experience in relationships. You have parents and siblings and friends (and pets?)

If you have long term friendships, then you have long term relationships and are evidently able to bond and create lasting ties.

If someone is asking for this information, you can justifiably use this parallel.

Look at other areas of your life for more parallels. Do you have a pet? As crazy as this sounds, this is a pretty good indicator if you like physical contact when you are happy, sad, etc.

I am physically reserved with those I do not know but touchy when I know and care for people. This surprises some people who don't know me in this context. But if they see me with my dog ... they could have guessed.

You may feel vulnerable going through this process ... but we all do ... for various reasons. I think the best thing you can do when you are nervous is pretend you are speaking to someone like yourself ... that deserves to be heard.

Never thought about it like that?? Kind of a different way of looking at my situation. Thanks for helping me see that.
- November 18th, 2009, 09:04 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#5   Reply With Quote

ADVERTISEMENT

ojoyfulone ojoyfulone is offline
ojoyfulone's Avatar

Newbie

Join Date: Oct 2009

Posts: 22

See profile

[quote=clearlyoblique;801779]And another thing ...

Dating to some degree is a skill. You can develop this.

But being an authentic person? That's rare and wonderful.

So don't forget that you have a lot to offer ... by being honest, open, caring and real.[/quote]

- November 18th, 2009, 09:14 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#6   Reply With Quote
melman melman is online now
melman's Avatar

Veteran

Join Date: Aug 2009

Posts: 1,442

See profile

Have you met a match and dated several times? To the point where relationship talk would be coming up?

If not, then why worry about it? Just enjoy the experience for what it is.

Also, remember that you are not under oath to fully and truthfully answer every single question you are asked. I'm not saying to lie, but I have written elsewhere that there are all kinds of questions that I just won't take seriously from a total stranger. I always answer the 1st Question "How have your relationships ended?" with "Oh no, are you breaking up with me already?" Imagine yourself at a party and a stranger has approached you and starts asking questions. React in writing just like you would in person. Don't be defensive or apologetic for yourself. Just... be yourself.

Likewise for meetings. Get out of email and off the phone and meet your matches! Do it for the sake of meeting people. Don't assume that any match will instantly turn into a relationship. If it happens, it happens. But don't put pressure on yourself to make it happen, because then it surely won't. Again, enjoy the experience for what it is. Is there any point at all in going into a meeting so nervous that you can't possibly enjoy it?

Hope this helps.
- November 18th, 2009, 09:27 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#7   Reply With Quote
chawks64 chawks64 is online now
chawks64's Avatar

chawks64 is trying very hard to be patient. Definitely not my best talent.

Power Poster

Join Date: Jun 2008

Posts: 5,216

See profile

ojoyfulone wrote :
I have a fear of seeing someone alone for the first couple times (which makes for an awkard situation I know).
How you handle it depends on what exactly your fears are. Rejection? Safety? The unknown?

We ALL fear rejection, and the ones that tell you differently are lying. It's not something you completely get over, but it can diminish a lot in time.

Safety is a legitimate issue, especially if you are disabled (depending on the disability). Just plan to meet somewhere public, which is a smart move for anyone. If he wants to go somewhere private and that's not comfortable for you at that point, then just say that. Be okay with your own decision and be done with it. If he's a compassionate guy, he'll understand. If he's not, then who cares if he sticks around anyway.

The unknown? Yeah, well, that's the scary part, and sometimes you just have to risk diving into the unknown to find happiness. But it does get easier.
- November 18th, 2009, 09:48 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#8   Reply With Quote
ojoyfulone ojoyfulone is offline
ojoyfulone's Avatar

Newbie

Join Date: Oct 2009

Posts: 22

See profile

melman wrote :
Have you met a match and dated several times? To the point where relationship talk would be coming up?

If not, then why worry about it? Just enjoy the experience for what it is.

Melman,

I actually thought about that after I posted. And you're right, it doesn't help to worry about something that isn't yet. That's exactly what I need to do is enjoy the experience!!!!
- November 18th, 2009, 09:55 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#9   Reply With Quote
ojoyfulone ojoyfulone is offline
ojoyfulone's Avatar

Newbie

Join Date: Oct 2009

Posts: 22

See profile

chawks64 wrote :
How you handle it depends on what exactly your fears are. Rejection? Safety? The unknown?

We ALL fear rejection, and the ones that tell you differently are lying. It's not something you completely get over, but it can diminish a lot in time.

Safety is a legitimate issue, especially if you are disabled (depending on the disability). Just plan to meet somewhere public, which is a smart move for anyone. If he wants to go somewhere private and that's not comfortable for you at that point, then just say that. Be okay with your own decision and be done with it. If he's a compassionate guy, he'll understand. If he's not, then who cares if he sticks around anyway.

The unknown? Yeah, well, that's the scary part, and sometimes you just have to risk diving into the unknown to find happiness. But it does get easier.

chawks,


It's more of an issue of safety for me and of course the unknown. And no, I wouldn't like the fact of being rejected, but I do understand that is part of the process and it will happen.

I'd feel the most comfortable with going out with another couple for a first date and then if he wants to go out again, then I might feel a little better about going out just the two of us.
- November 18th, 2009, 10:02 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#10   Reply With Quote

ADVERTISEMENT

Reply
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

Bookmarks

« Lost and hurt | Array | Need a woman decoded please... help »
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

LinkBacks (?)
LinkBack to this Thread: http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/dating-advice/ask-dating-expert/32616-advice-encouragement-dealing-some-fears.html
Posted By For Type Date
Dating advice message board This thread Refback November 19th, 2009 04:25 am

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Her Biggest Dating Fears w_elissa Dating 47 January 23rd, 2010 09:21 pm
I have a hard time dealing with the rejection. erichfromm Ask a Dating Expert 17 September 5th, 2009 06:38 am
Dealing with the parents lindseyk Dating 20 June 24th, 2009 03:05 pm

Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“I believe that you will find that most people on eHarmony prefer Guided Communication. This is my preference but if a match requests Fast Track (eHarmony mail) I will usually accept. But I can't ... ” – Gr8Guyn2008

Join the “Are these questions odd” discussion

“What you really want to know is whether you should stick it out and give the relationship a try or if you should give up without putting yourself out there?? Give it a try......what have you got to ... ” – beautifulgenius

Join the “Utterly confused after second date” discussion

“I wondered the same thing. I have been seeing someone for about a month and with vday coming up I did not know to handle it. I knew I would be ok with spending valentine's with him, but I did not ... ” – suzyblueeyes

Join the “What to do about holidays that don't fit into 'the flow'...” discussion

“ Exactly!...” – legend29

Join the “Too much thinking going on here...” discussion

“Richey, Trixie and Browneyedangel... FANTASTIC posts. sniff sniff. I love you man. OK .. here's what I've learned: 1- "Living with roomates" = Living with parents 2- "Want to go watch a movie at ... ” – ami1uwant

Join the “What lessons have you learned from online dating?” discussion

“This is not a normal situation. These other people are taking advantage of your boyfriend and he is letting them control his life. You should probably have a discussion with him about who he ... ” – VB_Girl

Join the “is it normal? or traditional american culture?” discussion

“I'd still rather see MORE words than skantly written lines that do not tell me much. LESS mis-spellings (which eHarmony warns about when filling out your profile, to use a word processor first) and ... ” – cal_dude

Join the “Incomplete profile - why bother?” discussion

“No. You're right. When I was in a committed relationship (marriage, in my instance) we didn't use condoms. I don't know if the OP is to that point yet? Or, maybe she is. Only she knows I guess. I ... ” – newbie40something

Join the “argued about birth control methods” discussion



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:49 pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2010, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.3.0