advice/encouragement on dealing with some fears


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ojoyfulone is offline ojoyfulone Post #1  November 18,2009, 5:58pm
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Hi,

I'm pretty new to the boards here and just a little reluctant to post this, but it seems to always be in the back of my mind.

I need some suggestions and/or encouragement on how to handle some issues of fear with starting a relationship.

First, let me explain that I am physically disabled and have never had the opportunity to experience what most do as far as dating through high school, college years, etc. So, let's just say that I consider myself very imature when it comes to any kind of talk of a relationship.

I signed up at eHarmony once again with the hope that I may get a chance to meet some guys (which has not been too successful this time around so far either), but I'm deathly afraid to move beyond chatting via email. I clam up when talking on the phone and I have a fear of seeing someone alone for the first couple times (which makes for an awkard situation I know). Guys, would you be understanding of this or would you just lose patience with me?

How do I deal with the fears that I'm having and the confidence that I lack in experience............thinking most of my matches will pick up on this immediately. I can't lie and say that I've been in a relationship before. And a lot of the first set of questions that guys send to me (not that there have been very many at all) lend themselves to prior experience of being in a relationship. For instance, do you like a lot of romance in a relationship or are you physically affectionate in a relationship, etc., etc. I have no idea if I would be or not because I have never been in a serious relationship. So, I answer honestly and tell them that for the most part.

How can I at least seem confident even though I lack experience in dating and/or meeting someone for the first time?

TIA

Joy
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #2  November 18,2009, 6:22pm
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Focus on the positive in your responses. Tell the truth but tell it in a positive way. "I've been working on other aspects of making my life what I want it to be. Now I'm ready to focus on finding someone to share it with." Even if you haven't had a romance, I'm guessing you have some idea of what you'd like a relationship to be. If not, thinking about that and being able to communicate it will help make the questions seem less foreign.

As for ways to build confidence, you might try working within your current social circle. Asking friends to go out with you just for fun and getting comfortable with that. Try chatting with some new people each time while you have that social safety net to fall back on.

You might also consider asking a male friend to play the part of a match on the phone and get comfortable with several avenues of conversation.

In terms of meeting new matches, there's nothing wrong with suggesting a group activity the first time around. It's a bit unusual but it might work to ease your discomfort a bit and you can really tell a lot about someone by how they treat your friends.

I guess, in short, I'm saying use the support resources you have to build that confidence. I think once you've been on a few dates, you'll see that it's not so hard.

Also, do some reading here about ways to date safely. Learn how to take care of yourself when meeting strangers, and think about some of the boundary issues or incompatibilities that might come up and decide a strategy beforehand on how you'll deal with them.

Finally, don't take the rejection inherent to online dating personally. A lot of us have more experience with dating and relationships and still struggle to find someone who is a good fit.

If you look at it as a fun adventure instead of something big and scary that you have no experience with, you'll project more confidence. The saying "fake it till you make it" applies here, to some extent.

Good luck.
 
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clearlyoblique is offline clearlyoblique Post #3  November 18,2009, 7:19pm
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You have experience in relationships. You have parents and siblings and friends (and pets?)

If you have long term friendships, then you have long term relationships and are evidently able to bond and create lasting ties.

If someone is asking for this information, you can justifiably use this parallel.

Look at other areas of your life for more parallels. Do you have a pet? As crazy as this sounds, this is a pretty good indicator if you like physical contact when you are happy, sad, etc.

I am physically reserved with those I do not know but touchy when I know and care for people. This surprises some people who don't know me in this context. But if they see me with my dog ... they could have guessed.

You may feel vulnerable going through this process ... but we all do ... for various reasons. I think the best thing you can do when you are nervous is pretend you are speaking to someone like yourself ... that deserves to be heard.
 
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clearlyoblique is offline clearlyoblique Post #4  November 18,2009, 7:22pm
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And another thing ...

Dating to some degree is a skill. You can develop this.

But being an authentic person? That's rare and wonderful.

So don't forget that you have a lot to offer ... by being honest, open, caring and real.
 
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ojoyfulone is offline ojoyfulone Post #5  November 18,2009, 8:04pm
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clearlyoblique wrote :
You have experience in relationships. You have parents and siblings and friends (and pets?)

If you have long term friendships, then you have long term relationships and are evidently able to bond and create lasting ties.

If someone is asking for this information, you can justifiably use this parallel.

Look at other areas of your life for more parallels. Do you have a pet? As crazy as this sounds, this is a pretty good indicator if you like physical contact when you are happy, sad, etc.

I am physically reserved with those I do not know but touchy when I know and care for people. This surprises some people who don't know me in this context. But if they see me with my dog ... they could have guessed.

You may feel vulnerable going through this process ... but we all do ... for various reasons. I think the best thing you can do when you are nervous is pretend you are speaking to someone like yourself ... that deserves to be heard.

Never thought about it like that?? Kind of a different way of looking at my situation. Thanks for helping me see that.
 
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ojoyfulone is offline ojoyfulone Post #6  November 18,2009, 8:14pm
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[quote=clearlyoblique;801779]And another thing ...

Dating to some degree is a skill. You can develop this.

But being an authentic person? That's rare and wonderful.

So don't forget that you have a lot to offer ... by being honest, open, caring and real.[/quote]
 
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melman is offline melman Post #7  November 18,2009, 8:27pm
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Have you met a match and dated several times? To the point where relationship talk would be coming up?

If not, then why worry about it? Just enjoy the experience for what it is.

Also, remember that you are not under oath to fully and truthfully answer every single question you are asked. I'm not saying to lie, but I have written elsewhere that there are all kinds of questions that I just won't take seriously from a total stranger. I always answer the 1st Question "How have your relationships ended?" with "Oh no, are you breaking up with me already?" Imagine yourself at a party and a stranger has approached you and starts asking questions. React in writing just like you would in person. Don't be defensive or apologetic for yourself. Just... be yourself.

Likewise for meetings. Get out of email and off the phone and meet your matches! Do it for the sake of meeting people. Don't assume that any match will instantly turn into a relationship. If it happens, it happens. But don't put pressure on yourself to make it happen, because then it surely won't. Again, enjoy the experience for what it is. Is there any point at all in going into a meeting so nervous that you can't possibly enjoy it?

Hope this helps.
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #8  November 18,2009, 8:48pm
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ojoyfulone wrote :
I have a fear of seeing someone alone for the first couple times (which makes for an awkard situation I know).
How you handle it depends on what exactly your fears are. Rejection? Safety? The unknown?

We ALL fear rejection, and the ones that tell you differently are lying. It's not something you completely get over, but it can diminish a lot in time.

Safety is a legitimate issue, especially if you are disabled (depending on the disability). Just plan to meet somewhere public, which is a smart move for anyone. If he wants to go somewhere private and that's not comfortable for you at that point, then just say that. Be okay with your own decision and be done with it. If he's a compassionate guy, he'll understand. If he's not, then who cares if he sticks around anyway.

The unknown? Yeah, well, that's the scary part, and sometimes you just have to risk diving into the unknown to find happiness. But it does get easier.
 
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ojoyfulone is offline ojoyfulone Post #9  November 18,2009, 8:55pm
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melman wrote :
Have you met a match and dated several times? To the point where relationship talk would be coming up?

If not, then why worry about it? Just enjoy the experience for what it is.

Melman,

I actually thought about that after I posted. And you're right, it doesn't help to worry about something that isn't yet. That's exactly what I need to do is enjoy the experience!!!!
 
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ojoyfulone is offline ojoyfulone Post #10  November 18,2009, 9:02pm
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chawks64 wrote :
How you handle it depends on what exactly your fears are. Rejection? Safety? The unknown?

We ALL fear rejection, and the ones that tell you differently are lying. It's not something you completely get over, but it can diminish a lot in time.

Safety is a legitimate issue, especially if you are disabled (depending on the disability). Just plan to meet somewhere public, which is a smart move for anyone. If he wants to go somewhere private and that's not comfortable for you at that point, then just say that. Be okay with your own decision and be done with it. If he's a compassionate guy, he'll understand. If he's not, then who cares if he sticks around anyway.

The unknown? Yeah, well, that's the scary part, and sometimes you just have to risk diving into the unknown to find happiness. But it does get easier.

chawks,


It's more of an issue of safety for me and of course the unknown. And no, I wouldn't like the fact of being rejected, but I do understand that is part of the process and it will happen.

I'd feel the most comfortable with going out with another couple for a first date and then if he wants to go out again, then I might feel a little better about going out just the two of us.
 
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