advice/encouragement on dealing with some fears


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SecondAct is offline SecondAct Post #11  November 19,2009, 2:27am
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ojoyfulone wrote :
Melman,

I actually thought about that after I posted. And you're right, it doesn't help to worry about something that isn't yet. That's exactly what I need to do is enjoy the experience!!!!
Hello there. I am not too afraid of rejection because I view it as a nothing ventured nothing gained. Plus the sea is definitely full of fish and it really is. My problem is actually getting to the stage of being rejected because that would imply that I actually had a chance and I tried my best. So what I am trying to say is dont worry about rejection because at that point you have already won 50% of the battle because you got someone to take an interest in you.
 
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ojoyfulone is offline ojoyfulone Post #12  November 19,2009, 9:54am
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SecondAct wrote :
My problem is actually getting to the stage of being rejected because that would imply that I actually had a chance and I tried my best.

SecondAct........I hear you on that one! It would be kind of nice to be rejected more often.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is online now Gr8Guyn2008 Post #13  November 19,2009, 7:28pm
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Others have given some good advice I think. I will address the two First Questions that you mentioned.

On the romance question, now maybe I am taking this First Question in a different way than intended but I look at as would you like to have dinner by candle light, receive flowers, get cards and sweet notes and such things that would be considered romantic. I don't look at the question as what your previous experience is but what would please you or even possibly what you would expect.

The affection question I take the same way. The answers go from liking to hug, hold hands and casual kisses to "I prefer not to be touched" (I know that is not what it says but you get the idea). This is not asking what experience you have had in the past it is asking what you would like and be comfortable with.

I also remember you posting your profile for review (and as I recall most people thought it was quite well written, positive and up beat). I recall that you had a bit in your profile about looking for a guy to hold hands with while watching a sunset. It seems that goes right to the heart of romance and affection.

As others said you are worrying about something that has not happened and that worrying won't fix. I know very simple advice to give and I can't / don't take my own advice.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is online now Gr8Guyn2008 Post #14  November 19,2009, 7:30pm
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SecondAct wrote :
Hello there. I am not too afraid of rejection because I view it as a nothing ventured nothing gained. Plus the sea is definitely full of fish and it really is. My problem is actually getting to the stage of being rejected because that would imply that I actually had a chance and I tried my best. So what I am trying to say is don't worry about rejection because at that point you have already won 50% of the battle because you got someone to take an interest in you.
A very positive way to look at this.
 
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ojoyfulone is offline ojoyfulone Post #15  November 20,2009, 11:09am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Others have given some good advice I think. I will address the two First Questions that you mentioned.

On the romance question, now maybe I am taking this First Question in a different way than intended but I look at as would you like to have dinner by candle light, receive flowers, get cards and sweet notes and such things that would be considered romantic. I don't look at the question as what your previous experience is but what would please you or even possibly what you would expect.

The affection question I take the same way. The answers go from liking to hug, hold hands and casual kisses to "I prefer not to be touched" (I know that is not what it says but you get the idea). This is not asking what experience you have had in the past it is asking what you would like and be comfortable with.

I also remember you posting your profile for review (and as I recall most people thought it was quite well written, positive and up beat). I recall that you had a bit in your profile about looking for a guy to hold hands with while watching a sunset. It seems that goes right to the heart of romance and affection.

As others said you are worrying about something that has not happened and that worrying won't fix. I know very simple advice to give and I can't / don't take my own advice.
True.........I guess I'm more concerned about how someone would feel if I could not hug them back (which I would not be able to do).
 
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Shelby is offline Shelby Post #16  November 20,2009, 11:27am
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I think dating can be intimidating for anyone, whether a newbie or returnee. I found it was helpful to go on "pretend" dates with guy friends; i.e., set a dinner date and concert, dress up, and practice dating conversation with each other. It took the pressure off since I was rehearsing questions, answers, and chitchat conversation. It also helped to figure out logistics issues (who drives? where do we meet? what restaurant?) "Dry run" dates can be good practice.

And rejection seems to be more the norm, whether you are disabled or not. (Otherwise, why are all us fantastic people still single?) My dating experience has taught me resiliency amidst rejection, and to not take the dating/ mating process so seriously. I hope you get there too!
 
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ojoyfulone is offline ojoyfulone Post #17  November 20,2009, 12:56pm
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Shelby wrote :
And rejection seems to be more the norm, whether you are disabled or not. (Otherwise, why are all us fantastic people still single?) My dating experience has taught me resiliency amidst rejection, and to not take the dating/ mating process so seriously. I hope you get there too!
Shelby,

Thanks for the encouragement!
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is online now Gr8Guyn2008 Post #18  November 20,2009, 7:43pm
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Shelby wrote :
...
And rejection seems to be more the norm, whether you are disabled or not. (Otherwise, why are all us fantastic people still single?) My dating experience has taught me resiliency amidst rejection, and to not take the dating/ mating process so seriously. I hope you get there too!
How to Stop Looking for Someone Perfect and Find Someone to Love. Seems that the title to this book by Judith Sills may be the answer to that question.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #19  November 20,2009, 9:47pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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ojoyfulone wrote :
How can I at least seem confident even though I lack experience in dating and/or meeting someone for the first time?
How much 'confidence' a woman has means nothing to me. I want a woman who is emotionally healthy....but I think that's a very different thing than having (or appearing to have) confidence. If she's nervous meeting me at first that doesn't turn me off at all. The only thing is I would want her to be able to feel comfortable sharing things about herself before long so I can get to know her.
 
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bjfrat21 is offline bjfrat21 Post #20  November 21,2009, 11:00pm
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First off, be open and honest about the fact that you are disabled. In my opinion if someone is not willing to look past that, you are better off without them anyway. Regarding your profile, you should answer the questions honestly, but treat it more like an application for a job. Everyone has their own Strengths and Weaknesses, so emphasize your strengths. On the questions in which you lack experience, just answer them in the way that you believe you would want. Whenever you need a boost of confidence, remind yourself of the things that you are good at, and block out your flaws. You must first confince yourself that you are unique and special, before anyone else will believe it. Good luck
 
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