SecondAct is offline SecondAct Post #1  November 18,2009, 5:27am
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Hello. I am new to this site so let me introduce myself. I am 37 years old and divorced after 5 years of marriage. Although it was the biggest mistake of my life I hold no major grudges and I am generally optimistic in my outlook on life. I do have "bad days" once in a while where I tend to beat myself up because I saw signs of relationship failure long before we got hitched. I have 2 children and most of my free time is spent with them (I have a 50% custody). After being alone and somewhat happy to be finally single again I have started to long for companionship either with friends or a significant other. I do some volunteer work at the local hospital and see many examples of unrelenting love that couples can share with each other, especially the older population. Imagine that; the expression "in sickness and in health" in true living color.

In my search for friendship / companionship I have experienced complete failures. I have tried bars, walks in the park, bookstores - you name it. Here is a general breakdown of the chain of events that I go thru:

Women under 30 and reasonably attractive will not even give me the time of the day. I may as well be invisible
Women over 30 will display some interest and will we strike up a conversation but as soon as the drink or meal is finished we part our ways.

Keep in mind that actually being able to talk to these women was extremely difficult (maybe 5% of all my visits to these places) and most of the time I end up eating my meal alone in the crowded restaurant or quietly drinking my coffee in the bookstore, etc.

So this begs the question - I must be doing something wrong with either my approach or my appearance. I have been out of the dating scene for over 10 years and this dinosaur is just not getting with the times. What am I doing wrong? Do I need to dress and act a certain way? Help?
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  November 18,2009, 5:48am
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Have to admit that I'm a little confused by your post. What do you mean by you end up eating your meals alone in a busy restaurant? Are you actually hoping to pick up women there???? If you come across as if you are lurking, then yes women will run away from that.

As for the under 30 crowd - you are simply too old for them. Sorry to be harsh, but....

As for women within your reasonable age range - a lot of them are still looking to have their own kids and family so you having two children will be a dealbreaker for many. Not all, but many.

Instead of hanging out at bars and busy restaurants, try family friendly places where you may meet other single parents. Also, have you tried the online thing?

At the end of the day, dating is 99% rejection and it does not mean that there is anything wrong with you, it's just how it goes. It's hard to meet the right person for everyone so keep your chin up and keep trying.
 
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SecondAct is offline SecondAct Post #3  November 18,2009, 6:08am
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DancingFool wrote :
Have to admit that I'm a little confused by your post. What do you mean by you end up eating your meals alone in a busy restaurant? Are you actually hoping to pick up women there???? If you come across as if you are lurking, then yes women will run away from that.

As for the under 30 crowd - you are simply too old for them. Sorry to be harsh, but....

As for women within your reasonable age range - a lot of them are still looking to have their own kids and family so you having two children will be a dealbreaker for many. Not all, but many.

Instead of hanging out at bars and busy restaurants, try family friendly places where you may meet other single parents. Also, have you tried the online thing?

At the end of the day, dating is 99% rejection and it does not mean that there is anything wrong with you, it's just how it goes. It's hard to meet the right person for everyone so keep your chin up and keep trying.
I usually go to bars that are located inside a restaurant (think TGI Fridays, Applebees, and the like) so I meant I usually end up eating my meals alone at the bar (inside a busy restaurant - lol). Its interesting that you mentioned lurking - I am not sure if my approach gives off the impression of lurking or "being interested". Not sure about trying to meet people at the family places because that would imply that I bring my kids along (a completely new set of challenges) or if I go alone it will just plain be weird (think lurking but 1000X worse - LOL).
 
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CAnative is offline CAnative Post #4  November 18,2009, 6:27am
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I find going out with a group to bars or clubs ect is much easier in a group situation. Alot less pressure, support from your friends, an ability to look at people without lurking...lol... helps you get back into those dating kind of enviroments. A good wing man wouldn't hurt. Best of Luck...
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #5  November 18,2009, 6:37am
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Heh....this may be a location thing, but I just don't see a place like Applebee's or Friday's as something where singles mingle. If you want to do that, then perhaps try some of the local sports bars since it's football season. You'll have a nice mix of men and women watching the games and it's an environment where it's easy to strike up a conversation or get into easy flirty banter about various teams. It's also an environment where people are more open to that kind of stuff.

As for family friendly events, places, don't go there looking to meet someone, go there because your kids would enjoy it. The side effect is that you will inevitably end up meeting other parents, making some new friends and that may eventually lead to finding someone. If you do go there specifically looking for a woman, well.....that won't work. Just some thoughts and ideas.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  November 18,2009, 6:43am
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CAnative wrote :
I find going out with a group to bars or clubs ect is much easier in a group situation. Alot less pressure, support from your friends, an ability to look at people without lurking...lol... helps you get back into those dating kind of enviroments. A good wing man wouldn't hurt. Best of Luck...
Excellent point. A guy by himself at a bar trying to approach women does come across as a little odd and desperate.
 
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kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #7  November 18,2009, 6:46am
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CAnative wrote :
I find going out with a group to bars or clubs ect is much easier in a group situation. Alot less pressure, support from your friends, an ability to look at people without lurking...lol... helps you get back into those dating kind of enviroments. A good wing man wouldn't hurt. Best of Luck...
Seconded - you definitely could use some backup in the way of friends. Build up your group of friends first, and start hanging out with them. That will greatly improve your chances of meeting someone and not come across as lurking.

DancingFool wrote :
...

As for family friendly events, places, don't go there looking to meet someone, go there because your kids would enjoy it. The side effect is that you will inevitably end up meeting other parents, making some new friends and that may eventually lead to finding someone. If you do go there specifically looking for a woman, well.....that won't work. Just some thoughts and ideas.
Same idea - go to places just to enjoy the event and meet friends. Meeting single women will follow naturally. Give it some time, it's not going to happen quickly (most likely.) But if you put yourself out there long enough, it will probably happen sooner or later. As long as there is life, there is hope.
 
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SecondAct is offline SecondAct Post #8  November 18,2009, 6:58am
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CAnative wrote :
I find going out with a group to bars or clubs ect is much easier in a group situation. Alot less pressure, support from your friends, an ability to look at people without lurking...lol... helps you get back into those dating kind of enviroments. A good wing man wouldn't hurt. Best of Luck...
Great advice, but unfortunately at around my age all of the people I know (friends, coworkers, etc) are all either married or committed. Trying very hard not to give up right now...
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #9  November 18,2009, 7:05am
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Hi SecondAct! It sounds like you're doing the things that worked for you 10 years ago, when you were a 20-something ... even down to approaching 20-somethings. But now you're nearing 40 ... and so are the women in your age group. The majority of those women have kids, and are not likely to be hitting bars etc too much of the time.

How about finding activities that include your children? Single mothers will be there. Kids' sports, boy-scout/girl-scout, kids' art classes, reading groups at the library etc. If I were dating and had kids, I'd want to see how potential partners behave with children. Plus you get some good time with your kids!

Try volunteer work, evening classes -- group activities that single women would be interested in. Basically, I think you need to branch out more, try other venues. Good luck!
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #10  November 18,2009, 7:16am
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SecondAct wrote :
Great advice, but unfortunately at around my age all of the people I know (friends, coworkers, etc) are all either married or committed. Trying very hard not to give up right now...
Even married and committed people like to get out once in awhile and socialize. Also, what others have said, time to branch out more and join some social clubs, activity clubs where you'll be able to meet new people and make new friends.
 
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