he says he is confused - can someone possible shed light on this


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blueyesntex is offline blueyesntex Post #1  November 12,2009, 6:54pm
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I met a guy on E-Harmony last May. Initially I thought he had been divorced for about 2 years - it wasn't long though that I found out he had only recently gotten a divorce and he was married for over 15 years. He lives about 4 hours away. We went through the guided communication, emailed and then finally met.I knew from day 1 that he is not fond of talking on the phone and is a shy kind of guy. He drove here and stayed at a local hotel for the weekend. I was not blown away, but liked him enough to continue the relationship. I told him we could share in the "burden" of the long distance. The next time we met - we met half-way. He told me that he had been blown away the first time we met. I was pretty surprised by that, because I really couldn't tell. Everything started moving pretty quickly after that. He started calling and emailing every day. Nothing happened physically between us until after about our 5th meeting.(I was trying to slow things down) He asked me to go on a weeks vacation and I did - we had a fabulous time, although I started noticing that he wasn't very affectionate ( a must have on my profile). He then invited me to his best friend's (a couple)lake house for the weekend. I was very uncomfortable the whole weekend and couldn't wait to leave. I told him, the long distance was too much afterall for me and that it was over and he told me it wasn't that I just needed time to cool off. My birthday was right around the corner, so I decided to invite him to go to a concert with me that was out of town - I paid for everything (which was my way of returning the favor for the trip he took me on,) except for a b-day dinner. Again, I started feeling like he was cold and starting to seem cheap, even though he gave me a beautiful gift. After that weekend, we decided to cool things off. He said he was confused and hadn't planned on getting so serious with someone so soon after his divorce. He had told me this earlier too. Two weeks went by and neiether one of us called or emailed. He had asked me if he could come down Halloween and I told him I had plans, then he emailed me and invited me on a trip - I told him I wanted to clear the air before we planned anything else. Finally, I called him and we came to a decision to slow it down and start over. He is coming here in December and is moving closer to me in February. He only calls about once a week now, but doesn't want to lose our relationship. I am not concerned about anyone else being in the picture, as he is extremely honest, and he told me there was no one else. Is it possible for a relationship to slow down this much and have a new beginning? I know he liked me more than I liked him, but it was growing for me in the right direction(except for the times I mentioned). Any thoughts would be appreciated. We have both been divorced more than once, so the slow down is a good thing at least for me. I have been single 8 years now and have had several marriage proposals in that time, but wanted to get it right the next time.
 
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misswright is offline misswright Post #2  November 12,2009, 8:33pm

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he says he is confused!! okay you got that now get this that meanRUN ,RUN,YOU DONOT COLLECT 200 FOR PASSING GO!! OR JUST HANG ON TO SEE IF HE FIND WHAT HE REALLY WANT....
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #3  November 13,2009, 2:37am
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thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

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I'll forgo mentioning the obvious here (rebound!) ...

You don't sound like you are that "into" this guy ...

It doesn't sound like he is that "into" you ...

Seems to me like both of your are trying to 'force' something that shouldn't be ...
 
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Fleuellen is offline Fleuellen Post #4  November 13,2009, 3:41am
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goosh, I'm confused ... I lost interest in a petty woman afte a couple of week because most the times I wanted to go out didn't seem to suit her ... why would you bother with someone so both unclear and as you said left you feeling cold ... He'll always be like that. We don't change. You do know that?
 
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Solocat is offline Solocat Post #5  November 13,2009, 4:06am
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If it isn't there by now, it isn't going to be there. Your whole attitude is one of ambivalence. It would be better for both of you to seek new relationships than to try to get this luke warm one to work.
 
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indigirl1975 is offline indigirl1975 Post #6  November 13,2009, 5:59am
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I think it's there or it isn't and maybe you can patch it for a bit but it seems like it has already broken. Why fix something you don't really seem that interested in?
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #7  November 13,2009, 6:35am
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On the other hand ... he went way overboard in the beginning, and you went along with that even though you weren't exactly smitten; now you have both agreed to slow down, and you say your feelings are "going in the right direction", and that you care whether he has someone else or not.

You could give it a little more time, and see if it's still out of balance and confused, or has improved. Do you like him enough for that? or not? Good luck!

PS - is he moving into your area just to be near you? That would be a red flag for me. It's an uncommitted relationship at this point.
 
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Lilycat is offline Lilycat Post #8  November 13,2009, 6:36am
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I guess I feel a little differently than most here, you say he is moving closer to you soon, I am assuming here that it is not because of you, but due to his work or other factors?

IMHO, there is no harm in having patience and seeing what happens. You may just end up with a good friend because of it, and I feel that never does any harm......

Yes, you do sound ambivalent here, OTOH the situation sounds like it is not doing you any harm, so why force a conclusion here?

Do you feel the need to totally break contact with him before you have contact with anyone else? Are you having contact with others too? Maybe you should..... just a thought.

Some of this closure stuff is highly overrated IMHO, sometimes given time things do morph into something else which although it may not meet your initial goals, is still a good thing to have.....

Lilycat
 
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Mokkesofie is offline Mokkesofie Post #9  November 13,2009, 6:38am
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There is a lot lacking from both sides in this relationship. At this stage you should want to be together as much as possible and have a permanent smile on your face, a shining light in your eyes and a song in your heart. Heck, even I'm confused why you are still together.
 
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