Should I say something to him??


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riva13 is offline riva13 Post #1  November 11,2009, 9:54am
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A few weeks ago I met a nice guy on eH. We’ve sent each other quite a few emails now and everything was fine. 2 days ago, he asked me if I would like to start talking on the phone and offered to give me his number. I must say he took me by surprise and the idea just made me nervous and uncomfortable. So I told him that I would love to talk soon, but I’m not sure I’m ready to take that step right now. Ever since I sent him that email, he hasn’t said anything to me. I think he interpreted what I said as meaning I’m not interested or that I want him to back off, but that is not true! I would hate for him to have gotten the wrong message. I don’t know what to do. Should I say something? Should I wait a little longer? Or should I just leave it alone? Even though he is busy, when I email him he usually gets back to me later the same day, so this is very strange. Help me.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #2  November 11,2009, 12:12pm
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It may be just that you are both in different places. You are cautious and wanting to move slow. He is sure of what he wants and ready to find it.

Pacing means a lot. I've carried on correspondance with men who weren't ready to talk or meet when I was, sometimes for fairly long periods of time. In the end, nothing came of it. Perhaps this has happened to him in the past and he is avoiding the complication. I don't know.

You won't either unless you ask. It might not come to anything but it might give you some peace.

I had a guy I was talking with once share some very personal and somewhat negative things about himself. The issues he talked about pushed some buttons for me. It also occurred during a particularly stressful time at work. I disanced a bit. He noticed. I was awfully impressed with how he handled it. He said, "I feel like what I shared has scared you or put you off talking to me in some way. If that's the case, can we talk about it?" I called him for the first time just after receiving that e-mail. I figured no matter what fear I had, his absolute openness about himself deserved my respect and a second look.

Maybe you need to share why you're reluctant and he'll be okay with it. Maybe not, though, and in the end there's not much you can do about his response.

Good luck.
 
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CapnCrunch23 is offline CapnCrunch23 Post #3  November 11,2009, 12:54pm

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I agree with LBMM 100%.

Pacing does mean alot, and you should share your reluctancy to speak to him sooner rather than later

As a guy, I probably would have formed a few of my own assumptions by now as to your reasons for not wanting to speak over the phone.

I would have no problem respecting a matches communication pace as long as I understood their reasons

Just keep in mind that people are here to meet, Most men are not looking for penpals, Which would be my first initial reaction to your email!

But really... its just the phone!
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #4  November 11,2009, 1:01pm
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CapnCrunch23 wrote :
I agree with LBMM 100%.
This is getting to be a habit and could quite possibly go to my head.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; November 11,2009 at 1:26pm. Reason: You'd think a writer could spell correctly, but noooooo.
 
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CapnCrunch23 is offline CapnCrunch23 Post #5  November 11,2009, 1:21pm

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littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
This is getting to be a habit and could quite possible go to my head.
I'm kissing arse! ...

Hey!!!... where did my cell phone go?... MONKEY!
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #6  November 11,2009, 1:25pm
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CapnCrunch23 wrote :
I'm kissing arse! ...

Hey!!!... where did my cell phone go?... MONKEY!
LOL...Monkey steal your thing!

(and jumps up and down holding it over her head....wrassle ya for it! )

Ahem...well done. Carry on.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #7  November 12,2009, 4:25am
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Well....e-mailing each other for a few weeks is actually a long time, so yes, I can see how he could have taken your refusal to talk on the phone the wrong way. To be really frank with you, your fear is kind of bizzare. I mean what do you think will happen if you talk on the phone with him? If you are worried about safety, then call him and block your number.

Ultimately you will figure out that all that e-mailing is creating a false sense of closeness when in reality you won't know the person or know if there is any real attraction and dating potential until you actually meet face to face.

As for e-mailing him again and explaining yourself - do it. You really have nothing to lose at this point and everything to gain. Either he'll respond positively or he is just done.
 
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Bearwolf102 is offline Bearwolf102 Post #8  November 12,2009, 7:54am
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The purpose behind online dateing and emailing back and forth is to get to talking on the phone and than eventualy to meeting someone in real life. A few weeks of emails is normaly ample time to decide if the person is worth talking to on the phone. If you talk to them on the phone you will get so much information in a hurry. Their marorisims, language skills, little things in their voice that let you know so much more than email ever can. I knew in the first phone call with most girls whether I wanted to meet them in person or not. The next jump is easy coffee, dinner, something where you have time to talk to them in person. Worse case you lose a night of your life and gain a good story.

You started this process to meet someone right? Well meet someone.

Good luck,
Bearwolf102
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #9  November 12,2009, 1:28pm
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Dear Riva13,

Welcome to eHarmony Advice and thanks for posting. You've been given some good advice.

Keep in mind, as BearWolf102, so accurately replied, the purpose of people on eHarmony is to develop a long-term relationship and many people hope that relationship will lead to marriage.

With this in mind, there's a natural progressions to things: Being matched on eHarmony, going through the communication process, opening communication, emailing to private emails, talking on the phone, meeting, and possibly starting dating.

If I suggested to a match he call me after, ". . . we'd sent each other quite a few emails and everything was fine . . . " I'd certainly be non-plussed to receive a response like you gave as it's not in keeping with the natural progressions of things going "fine" as you say they were.

The logical next step would be to talk on the phone and it's not a big thing. Simply treat the person on the phone the same way you'd treat any person: With dignity, respect, sharing, volleying the conversational ball back and forth, etc.

Write him and explain. Hopefully, your response will not have derailed things.

You don't write your age, but perhaps you might want to spend some time thinking about how things might progress when you're getting to know a person so that you're not caught by surprise next time as this really shouldn't have been a surprise that the next step would be that the person would want to talk.

Reassess honestly within yourself if you really are ready to date and take the steps involved in getting to know a person. It's very frustrating to have the other person unconfident in going forward when they're a member of a relationship site such as eHarmony where people are expected to progress when things are good!

Write him (email) and explain what happened and offer him your phone number in the email and tell him you look forward to his call . . . that is if you want to continue with him.

Write and let us know how it goes. Wishing you well.

JavaJava5
 
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riva13 is offline riva13 Post #10  November 12,2009, 1:41pm
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So after reading what you all had to say, I asked him about it. The conversation was initially VERY awkward!! But it turns out he didn't even get my email!! He thought that I had just decided to ignore him and he was waiting to see if I would eventually say something. So after clearing that misunderstanding out the way, I gave him a call and we talked and everything is back to normal!

Thanks for your advice, everyone!!
 
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