Confusedagain is offline Confusedagain Post #1  November 7,2009, 8:41am
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A few months ago I started dating a lady who has been divorced for 8 years but has had a few relationships in that time. Her last romance ended by him pushing her away and cutting off all communications. Just before they started dating, his wife died of Cancer. She blamed herself for what ever reason I suppose or thought that it was just another relationship that just wasn't meant to be.
Recently, she said that she has figured out that it was nothing personal and that he just hadn't had the proper time to grieve. More about this later.
Anyway..all was going well with us except maybe we were moving a little too fast. We both had our concerns about that but didn't have any trouble communication to each other about it.
She has two amazing 16 year old twins that I have become attached to as well as her parents and friends. I know they were getting attached to me also.
Everything seemed like a Fairy Tail for awhile and we always looked forward to seeing each other on the weekends.
The last few weeks it seems, that I'm now the one being pushed away. I barely hear from her and her e-mails and text messages are very brief if I get any response at all.
She says that she is just very busy because she has some issues and concerns to get through and just needs a break. She says that I should just leave her alone, if we are to ever have a chance together. But I haven't been pestering her and have respected her wishes.
One of her issues is that she has feelings for her previous romance and hasn't been able to move forward. He has recently been texting and e-mailing her once again.
I don't know what to do. They had many months together and we just had a few. I can't compete.
Is she wrong? Am I the one that doesn't get it. Am I wrong?
Is she emotionally unstable and mixed up? Should I move on and try to forget about her?
 
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nancymargritangelita is offline nancymargritangelita Post #2  November 7,2009, 9:11am
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"One of her issues is that she has feelings for her previous romance and hasn't been able to move forward. He has recently been texting and e-mailing her once again."

I think this may be the key to your problem right here - she still has feelings for her previous romance. She doesn't want you to contact her at the moment - one reason may be that she's rekindling this romance, but she may also be feeling confused about her feelings for him and her feelings for you. She may actually need the time to sort out what she thinks and feels so that she can continue the relationship she feels is best for her.

You could email or text her and ask her directly if this is the case. It may be the impetous she needs to move on.
 
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Dugl is offline Dugl Post #3  November 7,2009, 11:27am
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You cannot make someone want you, nor make them rationalize why they should want you. There is a mountain of broken hearts as a testament that this doesn't work. Personally, I would move on and see what happens....and hopefully, if she does come back to you, you aren't involved with someone else and have to face another dilemma.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #4  November 7,2009, 2:35pm
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You are/were her rebound ...

Give her all the space she wants ...the entire world, in fact, outside your front door.
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #5  November 12,2009, 6:04pm
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Dear ConfusedAgain,

Welcome to eHarmony Advice (eHA) and thanks for posting. Believe it or not, your's is a fairly common dilemma in that there's quite a few people out there who will date someone, i. e., like this lady has with you, when the person really isn't ready to move forward yet.

That's what's happened to you, most sadly. You've been caught up in what I will call this ladies' crazy cycle of her not really knowing what she wants. Unfortunately, it affects the people she lets herself be with.

This lady is not in a good place right now either mentally or emotionally to proceed forward with you and hanging around waiting for her will only continue to hurt you.

As hard as it may be, perhaps it's best you cut your losses right now and move on.

Interestingly, and I'm sure you know this, but I'll just mention it in passing, people want what they can't have. It's just human nature. It could be, if this woman thinks she can't have you, then she just may turn around and decide she really wants you!

My best advice to you for your own mental health and peace of mind is to drop completely all forms of communication with her and take her out of your cell phone and any other place you have her such as your email contact list, etc.

You sound like a really quality gentleman who so many woman would really like to get to know! Women who are not conflicted such as this woman is. Move on and don't look back in your rearview mirror.

Down the road, if she does contact you, don't be quick to get back to her, if at all. Let her wonder . . . . Don't let her think she has you and that you're there simply waiting for her beck and call and that she can summon you any old time when it suits her - irregardless of your feelings. She will disrespect you if you are! That's another thing about human nature.

Take her at her word that you, ". . . should just leave her alone." Let her have what she wants. She may very well find it's not what she wants at all.

Meanwhile, you're not hanging around waiting for something that may never be and torturing yourself in the process.

Take this as a valuable learning experience and proceed much more slowly next time building a relationship with a strong foundation first before anything else such as really getting involved with the person's kids, family, etc. That only hurts you, the kids, and the rest of the family as they have to be loyal to their own family member.

Remember, fairy tales are simply that and are not real life. Don't confuse the two. In life, there will always be ups and downs in any relationship and both parties should expect that and develop good conflict resolution skills to resolve issues that come up.

Again, you seem like a wonderful man any number of lovely women would like to get to know! There is many more than this one fish in the sea! Move forward in getting to know other ladies and let this one go. Really, someone so confused is no catch and will only bring you continued heartache with her ambivalence!

Be wise, be prudent . . . . Don't get involved with someone in the future who is not totally mentally and emotionally available to you. This woman apparently never was and it's good to know now before investing more time in a relationship where the other person's heart isn't in it.

After all, don't you only want someone who really only wants you? There will be that lovely lady somewhere! Be encouraged!

Please write and let us know how it goes for you. Remember again, that many, many people have been involved in this kind of situation most unfortunately, but have gone on to find the loves of their lives. You can too!

JavaJava5
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #6  November 12,2009, 6:21pm
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I would give her time to work things out in her mind as to what she wants and focus on doing other things, maybe even dating other people.
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #7  November 12,2009, 6:34pm
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P. S.

Here's a good rule of thumb for all relationships:

When one person in the relationship moves away or back from the relationship, the other person should mirror this - in other words - do the exact same thing by moving back also. It is imperative the person do so if they hope to PERHAPS have a relationship with this person one day.

The mistake many people make is that they start panicking, thinking they're going to lose the relationship, and so they move closer and try to hang on.

This is ALWAYS a huge mistake and will most definitely result in the end of the relationship at some point in time.

If the person being moved away from can just remain cool and calm and move back, too, the other person just may come back to the relationship as that's unexpected behavior that the person is probably not used to and they may wonder why the person they moved away from is not groveling to get them back!

Again, there's just something about human nature that before marriage, the person may want to know just how free he or she is to leave the relationship.

Most people on the receiving end of this don't understand what's happening and most of the time blow it irrevocably by clinging, maybe crying, or whatever cloying behavior.

Also, and this is very important, don't let the person see how badly he or she may have hurt you by pushing you away and don't discuss it with people the person knows as they may report back to the person.

Stay cool, stay away, and move on. If she comes back, you can consider at that point in time if you really do want to take this person on again. Don't be too quick to do so. Also, don't reveal how you may have been longing for the person to come back.

JavaJava5
Last edited by javajava5; November 12,2009 at 6:38pm.
 
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indigirl1975 is offline indigirl1975 Post #8  November 12,2009, 6:43pm
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Well I have been dealing with a widower for almost 3 years, a lot of them will get close and pull away. You my friend need to tell this woman you have been thinking and you need some space. If she wants to talk to you in the future when she has things worked out and wants to be with you, you will listen. In the meantime you need to move on with your life and consider her gone for now. Space, time, break all are code for a breakup. She just wants to see if this guy is going to stick around and if he does, you are out. If he flakes she may want to talk to you again.
 
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Faira is offline Faira Post #9  November 12,2009, 6:45pm
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javajava5 wrote :
P. S.

Here's a good rule of thumb for all relationships:

When one person in the relationship moves away or back from the relationship, the other person should mirror this - in other words - do the exact same thing by moving back also. It is imperative the person do so if they hope to PERHAPS have a relationship with this person one day.

The mistake many people make is that they start panicking, thinking they're going to lose the relationship, and so they move closer and try to hang on.

This is ALWAYS a huge mistake and will most definitely result in the end of the relationship at some point in time.

If the person being moved away from can just remain cool and calm and move back, too, the other person just may come back to the relationship as that's unexpected behavior that the person is probably not used to and they may wonder why the person they moved away from is not groveling to get them back!

Again, there's just something about human nature that before marriage, the person may want to know just how free he or she is to leave the relationship.

Most people on the receiving end of this don't understand what's happening and most of the time blow it irrevocably by clinging, maybe crying, or whatever cloying behavior.

Also, and this is very important, don't let the person see how badly he or she may have hurt you by pushing you away and don't discuss it with people the person knows as they may report back to the person.

Stay cool, stay away, and move on. If she comes back, you can consider at that point in time if you really do want to take this person on again. Don't be too quick to do so. Also, don't reveal how you may have been longing for the person to come back.

JavaJava5
Great post, JJ5!
 
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Gumbee is offline Gumbee Post #10  November 12,2009, 7:48pm
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indigirl1975 wrote :
. She just wants to see if this guy is going to stick around and if he does, you are out. If he flakes she may want to talk to you again.
You are right, but the OP really needs to ask himself if he wants to be this woman's second runner up.
 
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