Advice and Support from Thousands of Users Just Like You

Ask a Dating Expert See what our experts have to say, and then weigh in with your own advice. This discussion board is a great place to discover the wisdom of the group.

Reply
Page 1 of 2 1 2
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
fragil fragil is offline
fragil's Avatar

Newbie

Join Date: Nov 2009

Posts: 1

See profile

This is my first time on this site and joined to get unbias advice.
My fiance continues to download adault videos. In the first year of our relationship I informed I am affended by awhen my partners watch adault movies. He then replyed that wont be an issue if the intimacy isn't withheld. Three years later he is downloading those movies. When I tell him I know about them and I feel disrespected, his responce is "It's not about you." "you think it's cheeting."
Am I crazy for feeling disrespected? I feel everytime we are intimate he is imagining who ever he was watching. He says it is difficult for him to think of anyone els while he we are intimate.
I enjoy being intimate with him. But now I am having feelings of inadequacy. I have a positive outlook of myself.
What are things I should consider?
- November 6th, 2009, 11:34 am
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#1   Reply With Quote
Bearwolf102 Bearwolf102 is offline
Bearwolf102's Avatar

Bearwolf102 Loveing life

Quick Study

Join Date: Jun 2009

Posts: 166

See profile

Fragil,

This is why porn is such a problem. It becomes addictive and takes some of the magic out of intimacy. It is very concerning that you have spoken to him about it and he is still downloading them. He clearly does not think its wrong. However the thing that is very concerning is that regardless of if it is wrong or not he isn't hearing your pain about it.

You are not crazy for feeling bad about this. I can only encourage you to talk to him about it again and realy express your feelings. If he won't budge their may be a deaper issue here.

Good luck,
Bearwolf102
- November 6th, 2009, 12:15 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#2   Reply With Quote
Sassafras54 Sassafras54 is offline
Sassafras54's Avatar

Sassafras54 has decided to be more hopeful.

Enthusiast

Join Date: Oct 2009

Posts: 725

See profile

It's a difficult problem. Here's a recent thread all about porn and relationships:

http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/da...ce-please.html (need Advice please)
- November 6th, 2009, 12:21 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#3   Reply With Quote
scarlet13 scarlet13 is offline
scarlet13's Avatar

scarlet13 How many Fates turn around in the overtime?

Virtuoso

Join Date: Apr 2009

Posts: 2,708

See profile

The problem is not p0.rn.

If he likes to watch it and you disapprove, then that is a compatibility issue. If he is addicted to it and/or is not intimate with you, then he needs a 12 step program.

If you feel inadequate, that's on you, not him- obviously he wants to be with you because you are still together.

Adult movies are just an enhancement to ones sex life. Why not try watching some with him? There are soft core movies available for couples.
- November 6th, 2009, 12:43 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#4   Reply With Quote
DreamingOfJustice DreamingOfJustice is offline
DreamingOfJustice's Avatar

DreamingOfJustice love me-love my beak!

Quick Study

Join Date: Jul 2009

Posts: 225

See profile

Okies..Im jumping into the muck, I suppose.

I dont see the problem with a grown man accessing adult pornography made by adult actors/actresses that is non-abusive porn.

Speaking only for myself-I realise some folks are very threatened by digital images..since I am right there with my partner, Im the one who is reaping the benefits of being with him. That porno princess isnt getting lucky that night-I am.

Where I take issue would be in cases where my partner prefers watchiang porn to engaging in foreplay; or my partner develops a dependance on porn instead of a sexual relationship with me. Im also concerned about serious fetish pornography, such as animal pornography, violent sadistic porn, pregnancy imagery, rape-imagery or child/teen pornography.

Some people develop addictive behaviour around using porn and start to view it compulsively. If your partner is truly choosing pornography over being with you, or is showing interest in child-imagery, animals, sadistic pornography or other imagery you find offensive, dont ignore it. Tastes in porn are a glance inward .. if you feel disrespected and its not the porn (have you watched it with him, for example?) then its time to re-assess this relationship and see if you two can work on whats missing. Good luck.
- November 6th, 2009, 12:44 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#5   Reply With Quote

ADVERTISEMENT

cardguy cardguy is offline
cardguy's Avatar

Pacesetter

Join Date: Aug 2009

Posts: 297

See profile

There's nothing wrong with wanting your partner not to watch porn.
- November 6th, 2009, 01:16 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#6   Reply With Quote
scarlet13 scarlet13 is offline
scarlet13's Avatar

scarlet13 How many Fates turn around in the overtime?

Virtuoso

Join Date: Apr 2009

Posts: 2,708

See profile

cardguy wrote :
There's nothing wrong with wanting your partner not to watch porn.
No, but then they just aren't compatible- or one of them needs to compromise.
- November 6th, 2009, 01:38 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#7   Reply With Quote
kneo24 kneo24 is offline
kneo24's Avatar

Quick Study

Join Date: Nov 2009

Posts: 54

See profile

Maybe your partner has a high libido? It may not be an addiction thing. It just might be the natural urge to get his rocks off, a lot.

Furthermore, why do you not like pornography? How often do you make yourself available? Is he a tiger in bed with you when he does have relations with you?

The pornography thing is obviously a compatibility issue, but it can be potentially resolved too. There's obviously a lot of unknowns here for any person on these forums to say specifically what is going on.
- November 6th, 2009, 04:09 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#8   Reply With Quote
littlebluemonkeymind littlebluemonkeymind is offline
littlebluemonkeymind's Avatar

littlebluemonkeymind has left the building...

Power Poster

Join Date: Jul 2008

Posts: 7,588

See profile

I doubt it's really about feeling inadequate. It's about feeling unheard. Likely this is a theme that would be in your relationship even if he gave up the adult movies.

I'm not a big fan of porn past about age 18. I'm not a prude about it but I associate it with adolescence and early post adolescence. All of the decent, really good men I know are not men who defend or engage in habitual porn, visits to adult clubs, or employment of sex workers. In fact, all of the happily coupled men I know don't do anything that doesn't promote the good of the relationship, whatever that might be. People who choose differently are adults and responsible for their own choices.

You can only be responsible for who you choose as a partner, not what he chooses to do. If he won't listen, won't keep his word, or won't consider your feelings, you have to ask yourself if you're going to be okay having a partner who's like that.
- November 6th, 2009, 05:38 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#9   Reply With Quote
chawks64 chawks64 is offline
chawks64's Avatar

chawks64 is hopeful but cautious.

Virtuoso

Join Date: Jun 2008

Posts: 3,913

See profile

fragil wrote :
In the first year of our relationship I informed I am affended by awhen my partners watch adault movies. He then replyed that wont be an issue if the intimacy isn't withheld.
This is the part I have trouble with. It's manipulative.

If he likes it and you don't, that's an issue of possible incompatibility, depending on how strongly you both feel about it. But the comment he made is pretty much saying "I won't watch if you keep putting out, but if you don't, I will." Not exactly motivating as far as I'm concerned, and a little too much like blackmail for my comfort.
- November 6th, 2009, 06:26 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#10   Reply With Quote

ADVERTISEMENT

Reply
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Bookmarks

« decision time | Array | Am I undateable? »
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Reason for closing a match.. Dolcemente Using eHarmony 13 October 22nd, 2009 04:59 pm
A valid reason to close? BLESS77 Using eHarmony 12 August 31st, 2009 12:46 pm

Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“ One of my closest female friends asked me if I would be interested in meeting someone a few months ago..... .....that was two weeks ago and my contact has been minimal since then though I continue ... ” – j0hn8andy

Join the “Dating and insecurity” discussion

“ Could have said it better myself. It seems like the guys you are dating may not match your expectation of the future... at least at the rate you want it to happen. They could also feel some ... ” – Psycue

Join the “Men Have All the Power” discussion

“I would not question him about his weekends with his friend. It is not your place...yet. I would ask him out on a date for a specific time. If he comes back that he can't go and does not offer a ... ” – LizziePooh

Join the “Need some advice please...” discussion

“No bull, I thought your profile is one of the nice ones I've read. If I were to nitpick however,...maybe rewrite this: A touch of nerdiness is nice. Principles are sexy. Honesty's hot. I ... ” – peppermint4209

Join the “Feedback on my profile” discussion

“It is probably better to not say that you are committment minded. Some women don't know how to take that because it is not what they are used to or it doesn't fit the image of the guy in their ... ” – Michael1974

Join the “She does not want to be with me because I'm "too nice".” discussion

“ Let us know what mark you guys leave!!! So, if we go out - will your friend pick me up too?? I do need a designated driver. I so miss my ex sometimes. Have fun and Happy B-Day!” – LizziePooh

Join the “Gimme some Friday Night Roll Call !!!!” discussion

“I have been in that position, only because of insecurity as a child. Now, I know what it's like to be on the other side. And the attention one gets can be stifling, and you do want the other person ... ” – beautifulgenius

Join the “Smothering—Can You Love Too Much?” discussion

“ As I stated before not all "first dates" are "strangers." Every situation is different and actions are a function of the situation. See response above, and Laura knows all the answers (and loves ... ” – j0hn8andy

Join the “Does a woman's financial well being, profession, and wage matter to the men?” discussion



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:52 pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2009, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.3.0