valid reason for feeling disrespected?


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fragil is offline fragil Post #1  November 6,2009, 10:34am
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This is my first time on this site and joined to get unbias advice.
My fiance continues to download adault videos. In the first year of our relationship I informed I am affended by awhen my partners watch adault movies. He then replyed that wont be an issue if the intimacy isn't withheld. Three years later he is downloading those movies. When I tell him I know about them and I feel disrespected, his responce is "It's not about you." "you think it's cheeting."
Am I crazy for feeling disrespected? I feel everytime we are intimate he is imagining who ever he was watching. He says it is difficult for him to think of anyone els while he we are intimate.
I enjoy being intimate with him. But now I am having feelings of inadequacy. I have a positive outlook of myself.
What are things I should consider?
 
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Bearwolf102 is offline Bearwolf102 Post #2  November 6,2009, 11:15am
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Fragil,

This is why porn is such a problem. It becomes addictive and takes some of the magic out of intimacy. It is very concerning that you have spoken to him about it and he is still downloading them. He clearly does not think its wrong. However the thing that is very concerning is that regardless of if it is wrong or not he isn't hearing your pain about it.

You are not crazy for feeling bad about this. I can only encourage you to talk to him about it again and realy express your feelings. If he won't budge their may be a deaper issue here.

Good luck,
Bearwolf102
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #3  November 6,2009, 11:21am
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It's a difficult problem. Here's a recent thread all about porn and relationships:

http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/da...ce-please.html (need Advice please)
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #4  November 6,2009, 11:43am
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The problem is not p0.rn.

If he likes to watch it and you disapprove, then that is a compatibility issue. If he is addicted to it and/or is not intimate with you, then he needs a 12 step program.

If you feel inadequate, that's on you, not him- obviously he wants to be with you because you are still together.

Adult movies are just an enhancement to ones sex life. Why not try watching some with him? There are soft core movies available for couples.
 
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DreamingOfJustice is offline DreamingOfJustice Post #5  November 6,2009, 11:44am
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Okies..Im jumping into the muck, I suppose.

I dont see the problem with a grown man accessing adult pornography made by adult actors/actresses that is non-abusive porn.

Speaking only for myself-I realise some folks are very threatened by digital images..since I am right there with my partner, Im the one who is reaping the benefits of being with him. That porno princess isnt getting lucky that night-I am.

Where I take issue would be in cases where my partner prefers watchiang porn to engaging in foreplay; or my partner develops a dependance on porn instead of a sexual relationship with me. Im also concerned about serious fetish pornography, such as animal pornography, violent sadistic porn, pregnancy imagery, rape-imagery or child/teen pornography.

Some people develop addictive behaviour around using porn and start to view it compulsively. If your partner is truly choosing pornography over being with you, or is showing interest in child-imagery, animals, sadistic pornography or other imagery you find offensive, dont ignore it. Tastes in porn are a glance inward .. if you feel disrespected and its not the porn (have you watched it with him, for example?) then its time to re-assess this relationship and see if you two can work on whats missing. Good luck.
 
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cardguy is offline cardguy Post #6  November 6,2009, 12:16pm
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There's nothing wrong with wanting your partner not to watch porn.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #7  November 6,2009, 12:38pm
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cardguy wrote :
There's nothing wrong with wanting your partner not to watch porn.
No, but then they just aren't compatible- or one of them needs to compromise.
 
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kneo24 is offline kneo24 Post #8  November 6,2009, 3:09pm
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Maybe your partner has a high libido? It may not be an addiction thing. It just might be the natural urge to get his rocks off, a lot.

Furthermore, why do you not like pornography? How often do you make yourself available? Is he a tiger in bed with you when he does have relations with you?

The pornography thing is obviously a compatibility issue, but it can be potentially resolved too. There's obviously a lot of unknowns here for any person on these forums to say specifically what is going on.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #9  November 6,2009, 4:38pm
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I doubt it's really about feeling inadequate. It's about feeling unheard. Likely this is a theme that would be in your relationship even if he gave up the adult movies.

I'm not a big fan of porn past about age 18. I'm not a prude about it but I associate it with adolescence and early post adolescence. All of the decent, really good men I know are not men who defend or engage in habitual porn, visits to adult clubs, or employment of sex workers. In fact, all of the happily coupled men I know don't do anything that doesn't promote the good of the relationship, whatever that might be. People who choose differently are adults and responsible for their own choices.

You can only be responsible for who you choose as a partner, not what he chooses to do. If he won't listen, won't keep his word, or won't consider your feelings, you have to ask yourself if you're going to be okay having a partner who's like that.
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #10  November 6,2009, 5:26pm
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fragil wrote :
In the first year of our relationship I informed I am affended by awhen my partners watch adault movies. He then replyed that wont be an issue if the intimacy isn't withheld.
This is the part I have trouble with. It's manipulative.

If he likes it and you don't, that's an issue of possible incompatibility, depending on how strongly you both feel about it. But the comment he made is pretty much saying "I won't watch if you keep putting out, but if you don't, I will." Not exactly motivating as far as I'm concerned, and a little too much like blackmail for my comfort.
 
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