Should I move on or wait it out?


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Scottb69x is offline Scottb69x Post #1  November 5,2009, 9:51pm
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I have been dating this woman for a long time and we have had our ups and downs in the past. Nothing terrible, just little speed bumps I guess. But my problem now is that she is not communicating with me and has not given me a reason why. It all started when I emailed her about blowing off our plans that we had and not notifying me of her intentions. She blew it out of proportion and responded with an email of her own at how angry she was. I thought about it and apologized via email and I even sent her roses to get her to forgive me. She responded to me in another email saying that she isnt angry or upset anymore and she accepted my apology but as far as our relationship goes, her response is "she is numb" , that she doesn't know what to say to me or doesnt know where to begin about our her feelings for me or the relationship. I responded to her that I loved her and wanted to move past this and try to get back the way we were but she hasnt responded to me and it has been over a week since I wrote it to her. Keep in mind, she isnt answering the phone when I call or calling me back. I wonder if she is not wanting to tell me or she has moved on and isnt even bothering letting me know. I feel like I am being dragged along with no clue to where I am going in this relationship. I made the mistake, apologized sincerely and now I am not being talked to..what should I do?
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  November 6,2009, 1:02pm
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She blew off plans with you, without telling you. You objected. She got angry. You apologized. She said she's numb now. You said you love her. She poofed.

I would say either she's just nuts, or your account of what happened isn't accurate, or there's a context for all this that you didn't include in your post. As presented, it doesn't make much sense.

The only concrete thing I would say is I don't understand why you apologized for objecting to her standing you up? Just because she got angry?
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  November 6,2009, 1:25pm
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I'm sorry OP but your post reads like a study in the dysfunctional.

1) So she blows off your plans to do something together and instead of calling her up, you write her an e-mail??? Does not sound like something people would do when they have been dating for a long time - that's just not a way to communicate.

2) She wrongs you, you confront her and she gets agnry at you? That is just plain nuts.

3) After she gets angry with you for calling her out on unacceptable behavior - you are sending her flowers for her actions???? Really? Why are you apologizing and why are you sending her flowers? This does not even begin to make sense.

4) Now you think that just because of the above, she is possibly done with the relationship? Unless you have left out some important details, the above argument has little to do with her not feeling the relationship anymore. That kind of stuff builds over time and probably has been festering for awhile - it's just coming out now.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #4  November 6,2009, 1:30pm
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lol ....she blew you off, you confronted her, she gets angry, and you end up apologizing / giving flowers to her so that she will forgive you?

First thing you need to do is go get your testicles back from her ...
 
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Scottb69x is offline Scottb69x Post #5  November 6,2009, 7:47pm
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I only apologized because of how I went about it, not because she wronged me. The flowers part, I wasnt thinking straight before I sent them..foolish me. As far as emailing instead of calling..I did call her but she wouldnt take my calls or return any, so I emailed her since she somehow broke her answering machine(at least thats what she said anyways). I know it doesnt make sense but thats why I am asking advice. I mean she is not saying we're through, instead she is acting childish by ignoring my attempts to see whether we are or not. I just need an answer so I can go on.
 
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captaindigital is offline captaindigital Post #6  November 6,2009, 7:57pm
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You might want to do a little reading up on something called "Borderline Personality Disorder." I'm not a mental health professional (nor do I play one on TV) but I've dated a couple of women who behaved as you describe. Borderlines (also known as "BPs" are really difficult to deal with in a relationship. Read up on it...there's an excellent book on the subject - "Stop Walking on Eggshells," if you want to try and help her. I'm not saying you're loved one has it, but if she does, prepare yourself for a lifetime of more of the same.
 
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chrysalis08 is offline chrysalis08 Post #7  November 6,2009, 8:33pm
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How long have you been dating - I don't think you mentioned that part other than it's been for a long time. Two months, or two years? You also mentioned there were "speed bumps" along the way, but they weren't anything major. I'd hazard a guess that she wouldn't agree with you on that. It's hard to respond to your request for input when just this one situation is taken out of context of the entire history. Do you have a history of needing to be the one controlling all plans between the two of you - thus causing her to feel the need to "blow off" a current plan? Do you have a history of emotional outbursts which follow with drama and emotional emails which may have caused her to grow tired of the theatrics? I am not saying I think this is the case, but one situation out of it's context makes for a difficult scenario to provide input.
 
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Doctora2012 is offline Doctora2012 Post #8  November 6,2009, 8:52pm
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I vote for "Move On." You've done everything that you possibly could, including sending her flowers. Regardless of what you did (or what she may have done), forgive yourself and move on without her.

Even if you had messed up BIG TIME, nobody deserves to be ignored like you have. Personally, it's difficult for me to talk about things when I'm very upset so I'll usually take a day to cool off then talk about it. Waiting a week, however, seems a bit too long. We have no information regarding the circumstances that led to the break-up, so waiting even longer may be warranted, but (regardless of the circumstances) ask yourself....

Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who refuses to talk with you? There will always be some bumps along the road, some a little rougher than others. However, what's important is for two individuals, who truly value, respect, and love each other, to come together and talk it out.

Granted, one of you (or both) may decide to no longer remain in the relationship BUT at the very least, if you have history together (and nobody's life is in danger), I think you kinda owe it to each other to at least talk about it. If either party chooses not to (which apparently is her case), then respect and love yourself enough to move on without her. Waiting for someone who refuses to talk is waisted time and effort, which could be spent on finding someone who will may a better fit.

....Best wishes
 
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Doctora2012 is offline Doctora2012 Post #9  November 6,2009, 8:58pm
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And one more thing, if you decide to move on and create distance between you two and she comes back, trying to contact you (likely among people who play games), I'd still encourage you to ask yourself if this is the type of person that you'd like to be with. Sometimes tough situations are blessings in disguise, as they help reveal individuals' true character and help us better determine whether we'd be a good fit


....Best wishes
 
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Scottb69x is offline Scottb69x Post #10  November 6,2009, 10:12pm
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We've been dating for a little over 2 years. She has always been independent, and it has caused the speed bumps I mentioned. I have always tried to get her to open up to me and say the 3 words that everyone longs to hear, ya know I love you but she never would. We nearly broke up over her not confiding in me but I mended it and kept us going, but now I make a statement about how I am not liking the way she wont answer my calls or return any of them, she tells me that she was busy and she was pissed because I wigged out on her. Of course, I dont believe her because I feel that 2 minutes out of your life to tell someone who cares for you that you cant for whatever reason see me is outrageous, so I confronted her and it pissed her off and then a week later tells me via email that she wished I didnt send flowers and that she's not angry or upset with me but also feels that she's not sure if we can get back the way we were in our relationship(her numb feeling). I am agreeing with moving on. I just didnt want to lose all the time we shared but I cant sit here and hurt myself for something that I have done everything in my power to fix to no avail. I mean is ignoring someone a proper way to break up with someone? I dont think so. She could at least tell me, and that will be the end of it. She is definitely unique when it comes to being responsible. I just hope moving on is the best thing. But now that you know more of the situation, any one else thinks I should move on or put up with it a little longer? Please let me know.
 
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