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If I am in some group activity, which meets regularly, with a bunch of people I don't know and I - maybe not right away - ask one of the women for a date - maybe just coffee - but she turns me down. Would it be Ok to eventually ask another one or two? How would a second - or third - choice feel, even if she likes me?
- November 5th, 2009, 01:05 pm
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Huh! That's actually a little stickier than I thought, on first read. I see your dilemma.

If I were say #3, and I knew you had asked out #1 & #2 and got turned down, I might feel a little like a leftover. But if I liked you, I'd still say yes, and if it went well I would soon forget about it.

Maybe let a little time pass in between askings? So it doesn't have the appearance of just ticking women off a list.
- November 5th, 2009, 02:09 pm
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And maybe get to know the others better, in the context of the group activity, with some one-on-one interaction, before asking for a date? (If that's possible.)
- November 5th, 2009, 02:23 pm
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I agree with both of the above, let time pass and get to know the women a little before you ask. I have some experience with this.

I knew a guy at church who was recently divorced or broke up with his girlfriend. I knew he had asked out one of my friends (J) and then another friend (M) told me the same day that they had gone out on a date and she really liked him. J was just being nice in agreeing to go out, so she didn't feel like a 2nd choice per se, but we were all a little annoyed that he seemed to be making the rounds of our little group of single girls. Later he sat next to me in church and I ducked out early before he could ask me out.

Was there anything so terrible in what he did? Probably not, except that M didn't get asked out much and got her hopes up really fast and was upset to find out he was just making the rounds. He was just trying to do, what we do online, get to know a lot of matches quickly. But in real life, it makes you feel like a shirt on the rack that he is trying on. If he actually spent any time getting to know us in the group environment, before he started asking us out, then I don't think we would have felt like he was just "making the rounds."

My best advice, try to get a group together to go out for coffee, (and not just the women ) and then talk to them a little at a time one on one to get to know them. You'll eliminate some without even going on a date. And if you space things out while getting to know them, it will likely be ok. It takes more time, but will feel more natural, in my opinion.
- November 5th, 2009, 03:08 pm
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I think it's good to do a reconnaissance of your group, by striking up, and listening in on (i.e. eavesdrop!) conversations to help screen your peers and zero in on the appropriate target. Some women may be single, but otherwise attached to someone and aren't in the dating market. Others may be unattached but have "baggage" that may mean they're not ready to jump into the pool.

If you start making the rounds too soon, like LB said, you risk looking like a player, or that you see the group as a meat market. Scope out the scene first and be friendly to everybody while you size them up. Much smoother and more subtle.
- November 5th, 2009, 03:40 pm
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pussinboots wrote :
Would it be Ok to eventually ask another one or two? How would a second - or third - choice feel, even if she likes me?
I think you should show your list to #2 or #3, so they can see how many women fall in line after them. It'll make them feel ......special.
- November 5th, 2009, 03:55 pm
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I agree with librarybabe on this one. There is nothing inherently wrong with asking out more than one of the women, but you have to proceed with caution.

A similar thing happened among the single ladies at my church a few years ago before I moved to town and started going to the church. It is still discussed among some of those women and it's probably been 3-4 years since the man moved away!

As others have suggested, tread carefully. Get to know people really well--men and women--before asking someone out. Understand that it may change the dynamic of the group when 2 of the group pair off. Don't make it look as if you are there only to find a date.

Good Luck!
- November 5th, 2009, 09:06 pm
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Thanks so much to all you ladies, but Dugl, what list are you talking about?
- November 6th, 2009, 11:12 am
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pussinboots wrote :
Thanks so much to all you ladies, but Dugl, what list are you talking about?

Your list of potential dates
- November 7th, 2009, 02:00 pm
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I'd vote for asking them all out to coffee at once--non threatening, non-date. Talk togethter and see if there is any thing to really talk about. Playing duck, duck, goose in your social circle may get you labeled as a toad.
- November 7th, 2009, 02:30 pm
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