"Starting from scratch" after depression: Lost cause?


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the_unsnark is offline the_unsnark Post #1  November 4,2009, 2:27am
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Hi. First, here's the situation: I'm 28 years old, and recovering from severe social anxiety (aggravated by hearing loss) as well as depression which started around age 17. For quite some time it kept me totally isolated. I've been getting treatment for several years now, and I've gone from NEVER leaving the house to working full time while going to school part time, earning some technical cert (no degree yet, though ), and volunteering on weekends (plus, I got hearing aids. Yay!). On a personal level, I feel I've made a lot of progress; the silver lining of this sort of thing is that you learn good things, like compassion for others and emotional coping skills, by necessity. I think I'm at the point where I'm ready to start dating.
Thing is, I'm still living with my parents, and I've been working in the family business, as I've been unable to find a job in the field I've been training in (I started looking right when the financial crash hit. Lousy timing!)
I like to think I've got things to offer as a person, but I probably come off at first glance as sort of a slacker. There's nothing I'd like better than to be totally independent, but housing is expensive and jobs are few. Not only that, but I can't help but think that any woman I meet is going to wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I haven't dated at all or done anything with my life until now. I'm starting to feel rather hopeless already, and I'm not sure what to do about it.
I understand the importance of working on yourself until you're ready to share your life with someone, but damnit, I've been waiting and working for quite awhile, and I'm starting to get down on myself. Any thoughts on whether my situation is a deal-breaker?
I'd appreciate any input you can offer. Thanks for your time!
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  November 4,2009, 8:51am
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Congratulations on all the progress you've made! It's impressive.

Some women will not accept you as you are, but others will. That's true for everyone, not just you! Have to just ... Start!

A word of caution ... if you've never dated, then it's going to be a whole new world for you, lots to learn. It might be a good idea to go into it with the idea of exploration, rather than "finding someone to share my life with" right off the bat. You have lots of time. Good luck!
 
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kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #3  November 4,2009, 9:06am
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I agree with Sassy - some will be put off and some will not, same for anyone. And start out light - don't expect to find the love of your life on the first dozen dates.

I would suggest you start one step back from actually dating. Start by just flirting. No commitment, no expectation, just friendly banter with attractive women.
That will give you two advantages: it's less pressure because you're not trying to build up to a date but just having fun, and it will give you practice talking to different women without the social pressure of a date.
If you do that long enough and get good at it, the dates will begin to follow naturally (and that's always the best way for a date to start.)

Good luck.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #4  November 4,2009, 6:43pm
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You sound like you've done a lot of good things to get yourself healthy. That's an attractive trait in anyone.

You can't do anything about other people's perceptions other than be who you are. You don't talk about friends. I'm wondering if you have a social circle that could give you some support and some practice on the kinds of interactions that you'll need to be adept at in dating. If not, I'd start there first. Pick something you like and learn more about it. A class or workshop at a community college. You'll likely meet some folks your age who are also updating their skills or looking for interesting hobbies and you can start to build from there.

There are a lot of people right now in the same boat, financially and in terms of residence. Some people will be comfortable with that and others won't. Try to focus on the ones who are.

I know it's a time commitment, but consider doing some volunteer work. It's a great way to meet people with similar interests and values. It's also a great way to help manage the depression and anxiety. You shouldn't do it for that, of course. Pick something you believe strongly in: animal shelter, Habitat for Humanity, local arts association. Ask if they have anything you can do for a few hours a week. The more socially adept you become and the more full and interesting your life is, the easier dating will be.

Most of all, keep your support system strong and remind yourself of all the progress you've made toward building the life you want. Even if you don't find someone to share it with right away, that's a huge deal in itself.

Good luck.
 
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the_unsnark is offline the_unsnark Post #5  November 5,2009, 5:40am
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Sassafras54 wrote :
Congratulations on all the progress you've made! It's impressive.

Some women will not accept you as you are, but others will. That's true for everyone, not just you! Have to just ... Start!

A word of caution ... if you've never dated, then it's going to be a whole new world for you, lots to learn. It might be a good idea to go into it with the idea of exploration, rather than "finding someone to share my life with" right off the bat. You have lots of time. Good luck!
Thanks!
You make some good points there. And exploration is pretty much my goal these days anyway

kevin76 wrote :
I agree with Sassy - some will be put off and some will not, same for anyone. And start out light - don't expect to find the love of your life on the first dozen dates.

I would suggest you start one step back from actually dating. Start by just flirting. No commitment, no expectation, just friendly banter with attractive women.
That will give you two advantages: it's less pressure because you're not trying to build up to a date but just having fun, and it will give you practice talking to different women without the social pressure of a date.
If you do that long enough and get good at it, the dates will begin to follow naturally (and that's always the best way for a date to start.)

Good luck.
I just wonder what percentage may be put off by my... weirdness. Obviously, everyone's different, but from where I'm standing it sure seems like a long shot.
Also, flirting... Eeek!
I'm thinking that you're absolutely right, but still, for someone like me, flirting is right up there with bobbing for hot-dogs in a piranha tank, as far as things I'd rather be doing If I were only halfway decent-looking... well, who am I kidding, it'd still be terrifying. The nice thing about sites like eHarmony is that you'll more likely at least meet someone who you know you'll have something to talk about with.

littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
You sound like you've done a lot of good things to get yourself healthy. That's an attractive trait in anyone.

You can't do anything about other people's perceptions other than be who you are. You don't talk about friends. I'm wondering if you have a social circle that could give you some support and some practice on the kinds of interactions that you'll need to be adept at in dating. If not, I'd start there first. Pick something you like and learn more about it. A class or workshop at a community college. You'll likely meet some folks your age who are also updating their skills or looking for interesting hobbies and you can start to build from there.

There are a lot of people right now in the same boat, financially and in terms of residence. Some people will be comfortable with that and others won't. Try to focus on the ones who are.

I know it's a time commitment, but consider doing some volunteer work. It's a great way to meet people with similar interests and values. It's also a great way to help manage the depression and anxiety. You shouldn't do it for that, of course. Pick something you believe strongly in: animal shelter, Habitat for Humanity, local arts association. Ask if they have anything you can do for a few hours a week. The more socially adept you become and the more full and interesting your life is, the easier dating will be.

Most of all, keep your support system strong and remind yourself of all the progress you've made toward building the life you want. Even if you don't find someone to share it with right away, that's a huge deal in itself.

Good luck.
Thanks for the encouragement. You're right that it's important to appreciate the things you have accomplished. Quite a few of us fail to do that - I know I do!
As far as friends, I really only have one local friend, and he's got mental health issues as well, so he doesn't have much of a social circle either. I have been trying to make friends at school - I've been going to the local college on and off - but it's been years and I haven't managed to take any friendships beyond the after-class chat stage! This is one of my bigger frustrations, really.
Volunteer work is a great suggestion; I'd recommend it to absolutely everyone. It really gives you a wonderful sense of purpose. I'm volunteering right now on a suicide/crisis hotline (where my experience with depression turns out to be an asset), but the one thing that's a bit of a bummer about working on the hotline is that I very rarely see any of my fellow volunteers (that's just how the schedule works). I'm looking into volunteer work helping adults with health/mobility issues right now as well (partly for that reason).
Anyway, social anxiety is really a b1tch for me - I like people, but I can't bring myself to meet them! If I were some kind of misanthropic hermit at heart, life would be so much easier!

Thank you, everyone, for the advice and kind words. I hope once I've learned a thing or four I can contribute more to the boards here
 
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RobbyT15 is offline RobbyT15 Post #6  November 11,2009, 11:57pm
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Congrats on working to get yourself better, I'm going through something similar so I know exactly how you feel. I don't mean to get your hopes down or anything, but from my experience, most females aren't going to accept you for being reserved. They want you to express yourself from the get go and if you don't, they want nothing to do with you. Like I said, I'm going through something very similar. I have PTSD from Iraq and am suffering from bipolar disease and I'm not the most out going person. Hang in there though, someone will come along that will accept you and be patient enough for you to open up to her.
 
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markinVA is offline markinVA Post #7  November 12,2009, 5:56am
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Dude, that's awesome how much you have overcome. I know your situation can be frustrating. I also have goals that I have not reached yet that I sometimes think would keep some women away. But if you start getting down about it, it just spirals. You don't want to lose the ground you've gained.

Keep your attitude positive. I'm not one of those people who thinks a positive attitude will fix your problems (that's what hard work is for), but I do believe a great attitude will give you strength for every day, and here's the part you want to know: it really does make you more attractive to the opposite sex.

If you focus on the negative, it will show on your face and that's a huge turn-off. On the other hand, if you exude a friendly confidence in yourself the ladies will see that as well, and they love that. You've got to make yourself think right so it shows on your face and people hear it in your voice.

Yes, you still have goals you haven't reached yet, but so what - we all do. Keep working on your goals, but whatever you do, don't get depressed about them. That just chains you down.

I'll add this as well. I don't know if you're a Christian, but if you are, you can focus on His promises that He is working things out for your good. God is not a wish-genie, and I would never tell anyone that being a Christian means your life will be "easy", but if you have put your faith and trust in Him, you are His child and He cares about your needs and even your wants. You may mot get every blessing in the time frame you hope for, but you can always TRUST Him, that's He working out a plan. The trust factor does amazing things for your attitude, and His joy is better than any positive thinking we can concoct on our own. Turn to God for help - not because you want some wish granted, but because you desperately need Him in your life. Make no mistake, everyone of us do.

Hope this was a blessing to you, or anyone else who reads it.
 
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Lilycat is offline Lilycat Post #8  November 12,2009, 7:23am
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the_unsnark wrote :
Hi. First, here's the situation: I'm 28 years old, and recovering from severe social anxiety (aggravated by hearing loss) as well as depression which started around age 17. For quite some time it kept me totally isolated. I've been getting treatment for several years now, and I've gone from NEVER leaving the house to working full time while going to school part time, earning some technical cert (no degree yet, though ), and volunteering on weekends (plus, I got hearing aids. Yay!). On a personal level, I feel I've made a lot of progress; the silver lining of this sort of thing is that you learn good things, like compassion for others and emotional coping skills, by necessity. I think I'm at the point where I'm ready to start dating.
Thing is, I'm still living with my parents, and I've been working in the family business, as I've been unable to find a job in the field I've been training in (I started looking right when the financial crash hit. Lousy timing!)
I like to think I've got things to offer as a person, but I probably come off at first glance as sort of a slacker. There's nothing I'd like better than to be totally independent, but housing is expensive and jobs are few. Not only that, but I can't help but think that any woman I meet is going to wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I haven't dated at all or done anything with my life until now. I'm starting to feel rather hopeless already, and I'm not sure what to do about it.
I understand the importance of working on yourself until you're ready to share your life with someone, but damnit, I've been waiting and working for quite awhile, and I'm starting to get down on myself. Any thoughts on whether my situation is a deal-breaker?
I'd appreciate any input you can offer. Thanks for your time!
Hi!

You are 28, and recovering from a lot of things. For a little over a decade. Baby steps got you to where you are, right? Well keep doing them! Impatience hits you right between the eyes, every so often, and you get unhappy with your progress. What you need to do every so often, is look at how far you have come, this might just give you that little lift you need to keep going. Worth a try, or at least thinking about IMHO.

Living with your parents: It is what it is. Not something you can shange at the moment, so don't worry about it. Deal breaker? For some. Oh well.

You say you think you are ready to start dating, maybe you are. So start meeting people, ask people out for coffee (note - I am saying people here for a reason) get used to having light conversations with people, maybe about whatever was in the news today? Keep it light, and not too personal. Do this with people, both men and women. Whoever comes along that you might find pleasant to talk to for a while. While conversation is an art, it is also learned behaviour. Adults generally learn by doing, so do. This will get you used to talking with people in general, and take some of the anxiety away from the process for you. Low/no pressure, if any of these people never want to see you again it really does no matter to the rest of your life, understand? Just enjoy the conversation. This may also help you in establishing social boundries. That is very important if you want to start dating for real, you need to have boundries. Healthy ones. Baby steps, remember? Just like everything else.....

That's all part of working on yourself until you are ready to share your life with someone, it's not instant, it's a slow process. You may be ready, but you need to find the someone to share it with - the two things are separate issues.

A lot of what appears to be worrying you looks to me like stuff that you just would not share with someone when you first meet them. I do have a firm belief that a lot of people overshare too early in getting to know someone. Honesty and openness are good things to have and practice but too much too soon can be the deal breaker, not what the too much is - understand the point I am trying to make here?

IMHO you are overthinking a lot of things here, and getting way ahead of yourself. You need to relax and pull yourself back just a little, give yourself some time and space to breathe and relax and enjoy the life you are beginning to build for yourself.

Hope that this little essay helps you in figuring out what you are going to do, and how you will handle this.....

Lilycat
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #9  November 12,2009, 7:34am
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Another suggestion is this.

Don't try to be perfect. Just be yourself. If you start nitpicking at yourself on your flaws, you'll sabotage yourself.

Also, if you hold yourself back until you fix everything about you that you think will negatively affect you, you will never get out because there will ALWAYS be something that can be fixed.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #10  November 12,2009, 9:00am
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I think you are on a very good path!

I'd suggest trying volunteer work that doesn't involve damaged or needy people ... too much opportunity for you to keep identifying yourself with that. How about working with the environment? a political group? Also, how about non-volunteer group activities? Those provide lots of social opportunity. Book club, art class, ???
 
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