"Starting from scratch" after depression: Lost cause?


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judpollock is offline judpollock Post #11  November 13,2009, 3:26pm
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You certainly aren't a lost cause. It sounds as if you've received some good advice already. I can't disagree with anything that's been said. Flirting can be fun. I don't know if that will take you all the way to a date, but it certainly can take you to getting a cup of coffee. That's a sort of date. Look to enjoy and share your enjoyment. Didn't you say you were silly in your profile? It's good to keep things light. Take a walk in the park. Sit on some swings and talk. I wouldn't put too much emphasis on finding someone attractive if attractive is based heavily on the visual. But if attractive means someone who is fun and /or funny and /or charming, that sounds pretty good. Share yourself and don't worry too much about all the serious stuff like jobs and prospects and living arrangements. That's so personal really. Just play a while, perhaps.
 
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indigirl1975 is offline indigirl1975 Post #12  November 13,2009, 4:31pm
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Seems like you are more self aware than most people and for that you should be proud. There are many people in your exact situation that wouldn't even think twice about how others may view it. There IS someone for everyone, I know this. You seem like a good person, online dating may not be the exact way to go because it is harder with more pressure. I would start out going to some meetups, I think it is meetup.com or something like that. You will find people with similar interests FAR less pressure!
 
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Emme is offline Emme Post #13  November 13,2009, 5:18pm

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I have battled depression and other issues all my life, though I didn't hold off on dating. Of course, I had no idea I was depressed so I didn't feel baggage. I like the idea of just getting up the nerve to talk to women. And not just the really attractive ones. Talk to anyone who looks interesting to you. After all, the package YOU come in is different than the package any other man comes in. You are unique, and your physical self is just packaging. As a woman's physical self is also just packaging (in my case a LOT of packaging LOL). Just get started with easy conversations with women. Chat in a grocery store line by asking her what she makes with some sort of vegetable, like swiss chard. Talk about the weather if it's pouring out and you hope she doesn't get soaked getting back to her car. Start small, work your way up.

And I do hope you look beyond mere packaging. Some pretty amazing things come in unexpected packaging!
 
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ETACARINAE is offline ETACARINAE Post #14  November 13,2009, 5:41pm
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You're not alone with the start from scratch. I'm beginning to think that this service has about the same lack of success as dating services.
 
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Aaron303 is offline Aaron303 Post #15  November 21,2009, 11:14pm
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Lilycat wrote :
Hi!

You are 28, and recovering from a lot of things. For a little over a decade. Baby steps got you to where you are, right? Well keep doing them! Impatience hits you right between the eyes, every so often, and you get unhappy with your progress. What you need to do every so often, is look at how far you have come, this might just give you that little lift you need to keep going. Worth a try, or at least thinking about IMHO.

Living with your parents: It is what it is. Not something you can shange at the moment, so don't worry about it. Deal breaker? For some. Oh well.

You say you think you are ready to start dating, maybe you are. So start meeting people, ask people out for coffee (note - I am saying people here for a reason) get used to having light conversations with people, maybe about whatever was in the news today? Keep it light, and not too personal. Do this with people, both men and women. Whoever comes along that you might find pleasant to talk to for a while. While conversation is an art, it is also learned behaviour. Adults generally learn by doing, so do. This will get you used to talking with people in general, and take some of the anxiety away from the process for you. Low/no pressure, if any of these people never want to see you again it really does no matter to the rest of your life, understand? Just enjoy the conversation. This may also help you in establishing social boundries. That is very important if you want to start dating for real, you need to have boundries. Healthy ones. Baby steps, remember? Just like everything else.....

That's all part of working on yourself until you are ready to share your life with someone, it's not instant, it's a slow process. You may be ready, but you need to find the someone to share it with - the two things are separate issues.

A lot of what appears to be worrying you looks to me like stuff that you just would not share with someone when you first meet them. I do have a firm belief that a lot of people overshare too early in getting to know someone. Honesty and openness are good things to have and practice but too much too soon can be the deal breaker, not what the too much is - understand the point I am trying to make here?

IMHO you are overthinking a lot of things here, and getting way ahead of yourself. You need to relax and pull yourself back just a little, give yourself some time and space to breathe and relax and enjoy the life you are beginning to build for yourself.

Hope that this little essay helps you in figuring out what you are going to do, and how you will handle this.....

Lilycat
That is the stuff Lilycat hit the Nail right on the head.
 
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voteoften is offline voteoften Post #16  November 22,2009, 5:46am
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Congrats on your progress so far. When I divorced, I attended a social club for singles. In this case, it was a small for profit company that was operated by one lady for a couple of decades. There were a variety of events. Generally, it was dinners. The lady would ensure as much as possible an even ratio of boy girl.

I didn't really hope to find someone there. For me it was just an excuse to get out of the house. The ladies were actually more interesting than the men... I have gone off and on over the years, depending on my personal life and it has always been a great fall back. I would see people I hadn't seen for awhile and there was always a genuine interest.

I think those sorts of setups have a different appeal. Online dating can be quite mean, whereas it is uncomfortable to be rude and abrupt if you will be sitting next to someone for the next course of dinner. It forces people to slow down and interact as fellow humans. Also, the lady who ran the club knew everyone and would make sure that people spoke to you. Regulars went out of their way to greet and be nice to new people.

Some people found partners at this club. I did not find my BF there, but it was worthwhile because it got you back into the habit of talking to people in a non threatening environment. I met my BF at a political event.
 
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