First Date un-jitters. I want the nervousness back!


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SteveVance is offline SteveVance Post #1  November 4,2009, 12:53am
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So I have noticed over the past 2 years, my level of nervousness is almost a 0 before and during a first date or meeting someone for the first time. I cannot figure out why this is, and I think it is throwing me off and becoming a real issue when it comes to building and maintaining a real relationship.

There are two ways that it is directly affecting the date I believe. One way is best explained in an example:

I was flying the day of this date, and my flight was delayed 5 and a half hours, so I had to call and reschedule for the next day. Ok, no problem. We meet the next day and she says its a good thing we rescheduled because she wasn't feeling so great the night before. I say, yeah my stomach was also feeling a little strange yesterday. She then says in a flirtatious manor, "maybe it was just butterflies before our 1st date".

Here is where not having actual butterflies bites me. Instead of being flirty back, I just say, "haha, nah, I think it was just the airline food" and I can tell she is slightly taken back by the fact that 1, I didn't really flirt back so well, and 2, she didn't make me nervous. Now I know this is a little ridiculous, and it wasn't a date ender or anything and we have been out since then (only to movies though, which is the worst type of date), but still, had I been a little nervous at all, I would have had a much better response and maybe I wouldn't be asking for advice.

The second way it has affected my dating is by making the date and therefore the person just seem less special when I look back. There is no longer that sense of excitement or accomplishment after the date, which leads to bland descriptions about the date, and also the person. Answers to questions about the date that consist purely of, "She was cool, is a teacher, we had fun" instead of, "I had a great time, and I hope she did to because I thought she was great!!".

So my question is, how do I generate that nervousness or excitement again? Is this just a product of becoming more confident? I am not cocky by any means, I am just super confident with my speaking abilities and I am equally as comfortable talking to strangers. So what can I do, or how can I combat these issues without being fake?
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  November 4,2009, 8:56am
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Perhaps you have become defensive? Your answer of "just the airline food" was not just not flirty, it was anti-flirty! Kind of rejecting of her.

Just a thought, could be way offbase.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #3  November 4,2009, 9:19am
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I dunno, I think I'm pretty apathetic at this point when it comes to first dates, so yeah. i get it.
 
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kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #4  November 4,2009, 9:20am
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Nervousness is a byproduct, I don't know any way to 'generate' it intentionally, or any reason why you would want to. Maybe you just haven't met the kind of woman that makes you nervous for a while.

BUT - you shouldn't rely on how you feel at the moment to be able to come up with good responses. What you may really need to work on is your conversation skills, especially flirtatious conversation. Would it really have been that hard to respond as if you had been nervous? "Haha, maybe so. I'm not used to going out with women as pretty as you." (Flirtation is allowed to stretch the truth a little, in my book, but most of the time I manage to come up with something both flirtatious and true. Unless the woman is a horrifying beast, it's really not that hard.)

Why are you so confident about your 'speaking abilities' when you obviously have trouble with simple flirtation? Shoot, I'm a terrible speaker, but I know how to flirt.

Finally, why on earth do you equate 'feeling nervous' with having a great date? Are you a bit of an adrenaline junkie, perhaps? You can't 'generate' a 'great date' by forcing yourself to feel a certain way - to me it sounds like what you need to work on is your perception, not your feeling.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #5  November 4,2009, 9:44am
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Scarlett, I am intrigued ... You're just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird?
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #6  November 4,2009, 10:05am
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Sassafras54 wrote :
Scarlett, I am intrigued ... You're just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird?
it's a line from a song- meaning that if your soul dies you are nothing but an empty shell.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #7  November 4,2009, 10:47am
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I hear where you are coming from and I'm definitely there myself - I go to these first dates and almost don't care. I will tell you a little secret though - when the date IS awesome, you will come to life and you will feel the butterflies, and you will be excited when you talk about her and you will hope and pray that she agrees to a second date and you will be a bundle of nerves about it. It's just that it really does take that special person to cause that to happen and the rest are simply nice bland dates - yeah you have fun, but..... as you well know it, just feels flat because it is flat.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #8  November 4,2009, 11:05am
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scarlet13 wrote :
it's a line from a song- meaning that if your soul dies you are nothing but an empty shell.
Ah. Nice imagery.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #9  November 4,2009, 1:31pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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My nervousness or 'butterflies' are directly proportional to the amount of interest I have in a woman. If my interest is low....I have almost no nervousness. If my interest is high....I will be.
 
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SteveVance is offline SteveVance Post #10  November 4,2009, 5:38pm
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kevin76 wrote :
Why are you so confident about your 'speaking abilities' when you obviously have trouble with simple flirtation? Shoot, I'm a terrible speaker, but I know how to flirt.

Finally, why on earth do you equate 'feeling nervous' with having a great date?
Look, I do not have trouble with simple flirtation, and if you ask me that was a pretty unnecessary attack possibly stemming from your own feelings of inadequacy :-p . Anybody can flirt, it's not a big deal, you just have to have the right mind set.

Do me a favor and imagine that you are asleep at home and at 4am the fire alarm goes off and wakes you up, or maybe someone punches you in the face. Would you be flirty right then, with what your mindset would be in that situation? I think not.

I think my problem is that I got used to feeling sort of nervous or whatever in the past when I was on dates, and now that that is gone, my brain is not engaged in a flirty mood, and that is what I am trying to regain without having to FAKE anything, because if you are fake on a date, you might as well stay home.

Another way to think of it is say you go to a movie theater and the movie starts but the house lights are on the whole time, will it still feel like a movie, will your brain be in movie watching mode?
 
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