First Date un-jitters. I want the nervousness back!


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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #11  November 4,2009, 4:57pm

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I think this is the nature of edating. It is different - when you are going out on a first date with someone that you met in real life, you have the butterflies because you are excited about the date because you already know you want to go on one. With edating, it is different. You aren't really sure you are actually going to like the person so you approach it cautiously or distantly.

I think it is like DancingFool says, if the first "meet" goes well and you find that you really enjoy this person, then you have the butterflies for the next date.
 
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sailingtme is offline sailingtme Post #12  November 4,2009, 5:14pm
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Hi Steve I don"t thinkKevin76 attacked you. You seem little angry and isolated from your feelings. You knew when you said that to that women that you're going to hurt your her feelings. Perhaps you need to take a brake from dating and make yourself happy first, This way you can be happy about your date and the person you're meeting with. I think you had so many bad dates you're withdrawn kind of defensive mechanism.

I would take brake and get back to your core of who you are and who you want to be as a person for you, and not the women. :-)

best of luck to you.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #13  November 4,2009, 5:24pm

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I don't think Steve is angry or isolated from his feelings. Yeah, he came out strong on Kevin's comment - but Kevin was pretty strong with him - so seems even-steven to me. lol!
 
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SteveVance is offline SteveVance Post #14  November 4,2009, 5:46pm
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LizziePooh wrote :
I don't think Steve is angry or isolated from his feelings. Yeah, he came out strong on Kevin's comment - but Kevin was pretty strong with him - so seems even-steven to me. lol!
Lizzie is exactly right. I asked an honest question, I got insulted, so I wrote back equally. It's science, every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

Also, I am not angry, and I didn't hurt her feelings. It is difficult to write inflection in stuff that is already said or when quoting someone. I had a quick recovery after I realized what I said and there was no harm done. As I said, we have gone out again since then. I think you are operating off of the assumption that I said it with force like it was the reason I said and that is FINAL. I did not.

I know who I am and who I want to be, and I am perfectly comfortable in my own skin. I am also not boring or bored with my life, and it is because of this that I joined eHarmony. I am looking for someone who I can share all my fun and neat experiences with, and taking a break from dating would only make that more difficult. It doesn't help that I work in an office building that is 95% guys and I am a tall-short person, but that is not what my thread is about, because I am comfortable with both of those facts. The main point of this thread was about the stuff I was uncomfortable with, and that is the absence of nervous excitement I used to feel when I would go out.

Some people have had some good insight, and it is also nice to hear that I am not the only one who has experienced this, so let's keep it going. Maybe someone will respond who knows what I am talking about and has a fool proof remedy!
Last edited by SteveVance; November 4,2009 at 5:47pm. Reason: spacing
 
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Shelby is offline Shelby Post #15  November 4,2009, 5:47pm
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I think it's a benefit to not having the butterflies on a first date. It's an indication that you're setting high expectations, and it could be followed by a crash when she or he isn't all that after all.

I now go in with more low-key expectations, while still anticipating a positive meeting, and if I detect a spark here and there, then I'll get more excited.
 
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PR_Princess is offline PR_Princess Post #16  November 4,2009, 5:52pm
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Fasting....I am obligated to fast 1 month out of every year and in a way it is supposed to accomplish something similar to what you want to achieve. So here is a brief explanation of what happens during a fast and what we hope to accomplish.

The fast itself (mechanics)
* I wake up before dawn and eat breakfast and then pray
*I go about my business for the day without eating or drinking anything and accomplishing the same tasks as every other day....just a bit slower
*Afternoon prayer comes and I cleanse myself with cool water and pray
*Depending on the time I either cleanse and pray again before I leave work or as soon as I get home
*Sundown comes and I break my fast and pray again
*I pray again right before bedtime
*I try to read the Holy book (cover to cover) and other religious minded material
*I try to go to the mosque as much as possible and pray as a group (shoulder to shoulder, foot to foot)
*Some nights are spent praying extra prayers

We do this everyday for 30 days then on the festival of Eid we eat, pray, give to charity and partake in lots of socializing. I'm not suggesting you do this (for many it is not prescribed due to medical and psychological issues )but just want to illustrate how spiritual rituals are designed to recalibrate ourselves so that we get that "nervousness" about life again.

The spiritual goals:
* There is not supposed to be any gossiping, arguing, etc. during this period of time. Honestly your voice shouldn't even rise above a certain level.
* All thoughts, feelings and actions are supposed to be God centered
* Reflect on those who live their life with even less than you
* Ask forgiveness for your shortcomings in your daily life

Of course we should be like this everyday but that is just not humanly possible (in reality we miss prayers, we are not so kind to each other, etc. )but one month out of the year we really focus our energy into cleansing ourselves and recalibrating our mindset.

The psychology/physicality:

* Try eating your normal day to day diet and see what happens. So we are forced to eat more simply, moderately, and to tell you the truth you'll begin to find over time that things that have salt taste more salty and sweets way more sweeter. You can actually feel the water replenishing your body.

* All that praying and curtailing negativity helps you not only to unburden yourself of some psychological baggage but brings more positivity in your life. Reflecting on others in your community who are in need and giving in charity to relieve their suffering opens up your heart that was otherwise closed from experiences in life that makes us jaded.

So in essence the idea is to bring about significant change in your life for a prescribed period of time in which you fast from negativity and your normal daily grind. Maybe you should take breaks in your dating cycle to really concentrate on yourself and your needs and wants. I find when I have more of a balance on tending to my own needs and wants I just have that much more to give to those around me.Then moderately begin dating again so you get all the nourishment from the experiences that hopefully get you closer to your goal of a LTR.






 
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melman is offline melman Post #17  November 4,2009, 5:55pm
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SteveVance wrote :
So I have noticed over the past 2 years, my level of nervousness is almost a 0 before and during a first date or meeting someone for the first time. I cannot figure out why this is, and I think it is throwing me off and becoming a real issue when it comes to building and maintaining a real relationship.
This is pretty simple, I think.

With age comes maturity. Experience. More things to do and remember. And control of your emotions.

It's just a natural part of growing up.
 
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SteveVance is offline SteveVance Post #18  November 4,2009, 6:00pm
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I appreciate the advice in that massive post there, but I do take time to tend to my own needs and wants. I do not think that fasting is the answer. I may not be the most successful dater, but I guarentee you I can be the most successful dating avoider.

I dont really have any psychological baggage either. The only other thing that has been bugging me is that I just bought a house and it was/is (I close on Friday) a lot of money. So I have that buyers remorse thing going on to a small extent, but I am excited and happy!
 
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PR_Princess is offline PR_Princess Post #19  November 5,2009, 4:51pm
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SteveVance wrote :
I appreciate the advice in that massive post there, but I do take time to tend to my own needs and wants. I do not think that fasting is the answer. I may not be the most successful dater, but I guarentee you I can be the most successful dating avoider.

I dont really have any psychological baggage either. The only other thing that has been bugging me is that I just bought a house and it was/is (I close on Friday) a lot of money. So I have that buyers remorse thing going on to a small extent, but I am excited and happy!
Good for you....then maybe what is in order after that ordeal is some message therapy Sometimes healthy physical connections re-energizes us to make healthy emotional connections
 
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SteveVance is offline SteveVance Post #20  November 5,2009, 4:59pm
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PR_Princess wrote :
Good for you....then maybe what is in order after that ordeal is some message therapy Sometimes healthy physical connections re-energizes us to make healthy emotional connections
Now that I could go for! I just always feel strange thinking about actually calling up and scheduling one at some place that is usually 99% filled with women.
 
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