Anyone: Please explain men's thoughts


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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #41  November 4,2009, 4:00pm
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understanding wrote :
I WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING I want to be the person I once was but it maybe to late after the mistake I've done.
You can't change the past, but it's never to late to start doing the right thing.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #42  November 4,2009, 4:18pm
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understanding wrote :
I don't know if those of you who posted will get to read this but I want to say Thank you. Not looking for sympathy... just most people don't hear the good stuff from comments. The brick has fallen & the kick in the butt that I needed. I once was a kind, caring, warm hearted person that never thought this would happen to me. I know that I will go to hell & I live with that. I just got stirred up again when he came back around, if he didn't search I wouldn't be asking the questions about his thoughts. I WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING I want to be the person I once was but it maybe to late after the mistake I've done. If I could erase the time I would but at the moment I don't understand the let go move on part when those questions come into my head that I asked about. I have learned I just wanted to understand his thoughts so I can counter act I wasn't looking to see how I could cheat more
The scorpion stings the frog because it is his nature.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #43  November 4,2009, 4:29pm
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understanding wrote :
I don't know if those of you who posted will get to read this but I want to say Thank you. Not looking for sympathy... just most people don't hear the good stuff from comments. The brick has fallen & the kick in the butt that I needed. I once was a kind, caring, warm hearted person that never thought this would happen to me. I know that I will go to hell & I live with that. I just got stirred up again when he came back around, if he didn't search I wouldn't be asking the questions about his thoughts. I WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING I want to be the person I once was but it maybe to late after the mistake I've done. If I could erase the time I would but at the moment I don't understand the let go move on part when those questions come into my head that I asked about. I have learned I just wanted to understand his thoughts so I can counter act I wasn't looking to see how I could cheat more
Sassafras54 wrote :
Wow, you came back! And even didn't get defensive about the posts. Impressive.

I'm glad you want to do the Right Thing.

Everyone makes mistakes; everyone has done things they later regret. But there's no real point in trying to figure out why HE cheated. There is a point in figuring out why YOU cheated, so you can not do that, in the future. Good luck!
Ditto to Sassafras' post.

There is no such thing as WANTING to do the right thing. There is doing and not doing. Choose what you want to be and be that. It's not that hard.

As for him, and understanding him, it's a waste of energy until you understand yourself. Find a counselor. Figure out why you're making choices that make you unhappy. Make better choices. The first of which should be to ignore him. Don't respond. Don't engage. The counteract is simply to remove this person from your life, from your thoughts and from your actions.

Don't worry about why. If someone came up and stabbed you with a knife, would understanding why make you bleed less?

It sounds to me like you're already in hell. Get some help and figure out a way to be happy. The things you're choosing now don't just hurt others (although, believe me, they do). They also do serious damage to you.

Good luck.
 
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sueyq is offline sueyq Post #44  November 4,2009, 7:02pm
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All your questions seem pointless to me. if he stated he just wants to be friends then let it be just that. now it is in your ball park to keep him as a friend or not. from you history with this man it does not seem to be a true and faithfully man. why do we as women always want to know why a man did what he has done.

just be glad that he did it sooner than later when you had more feeling trapped in a no where relationship. it just time to move on and find someone who will be good to you and one who does not hold things from you and one who does not have any drama in his life and drag you into it.
it could be dangerous for you. you don't know all the sides and all the happenings and I would not play with fire unless I wanted to get burnt.
Again why do we women have to know why. just know that he is not the one for you and move on with your life and your love. jut my opinion I wish you well .
 
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sueyq is offline sueyq Post #45  November 4,2009, 7:12pm
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littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
Ditto to Sassafras' post.

There is no such thing as WANTING to do the right thing. There is doing and not doing. Choose what you want to be and be that. It's not that hard.

As for him, and understanding him, it's a waste of energy until you understand yourself. Find a counselor. Figure out why you're making choices that make you unhappy. Make better choices. The first of which should be to ignore him. Don't respond. Don't engage. The counteract is simply to remove this person from your life, from your thoughts and from your actions.

Don't worry about why. If someone came up and stabbed you with a knife, would understanding why make you bleed less?

It sounds to me like you're already in hell. Get some help and figure out a way to be happy. The things you're choosing now don't just hurt others (although, believe me, they do). They also do serious damage to you.

Good luck.
we all make mistakes don't beat your self up about it.
the world works on forgiveness and we also have to forgive our selves and then look at our selves very hard and see why we do what we do.
I do believe that there are some pretty good men out there. you just have to start changing the way you seek and find the good ones. they show them selves with there ways and deeds.

if you find that you are drawn to the bad boys then don't go with what attracts you first. it takes time to change our lives but if we truly want it and work at it we can. but the desire has to be there first. again good luck. smile
 
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notyet is offline notyet Post #46  November 5,2009, 7:25am
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littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
...There is no such thing as WANTING... There is doing and not doing...

...Don't worry about why...
thus spoke the jedi master LBMM
Last edited by notyet; November 5,2009 at 1:36pm.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #47  November 5,2009, 5:58pm
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notyet wrote :
thus spoke the jedi master LBMM
LOL...thanks for not designating me Yoda.

But, if I'm a Jedi master, where's my freakin' light saber? I've got some housecleaning to do!
 
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TiffanyDiamond is offline TiffanyDiamond Post #48  November 6,2009, 7:51am
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understanding wrote :
I don't know if those of you who posted will get to read this but I want to say Thank you. Not looking for sympathy... just most people don't hear the good stuff from comments. The brick has fallen & the kick in the butt that I needed. I once was a kind, caring, warm hearted person that never thought this would happen to me. I know that I will go to hell & I live with that. I just got stirred up again when he came back around, if he didn't search I wouldn't be asking the questions about his thoughts. I WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING I want to be the person I once was but it maybe to late after the mistake I've done. If I could erase the time I would but at the moment I don't understand the let go move on part when those questions come into my head that I asked about. I have learned I just wanted to understand his thoughts so I can counter act I wasn't looking to see how I could cheat more
First of all you will not be condemed to hell. There is no point in beating yourself up about the past - that can't be changed. You can move forward from this. It is up to you and you alone. Stop worrying about, thinking about, wondering about this married man. He is inconsequential. Worry about you and your life and what you need to do to get yourself back on track. That's all that matters.

And oh yeah, you can't be "friends" with him either. You need to stay away from him completely.
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #49  November 6,2009, 3:46pm
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TiffanyDiamond wrote :
And oh yeah, you can't be "friends" with him either. You need to stay away from him completely.
Amen!
 
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DavidP001 is offline DavidP001 Post #50  November 7,2009, 3:33am
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For the record, my answers below are me trying to be honest, im not judging you. I only judge cheaters that cheat on ME. Everyone else that cheats isnt my business really, since i am not the one being lied to.

understanding wrote :
He has since come back because he is getting a divorce but he won't tell me, WHY?
His divorce is not your business. There may be more to it, like hes lying about the divorce in the first place, or he got caught cheating in his new town, or he had to move because he was caught cheating with you before.

understanding wrote :
2. Now that he's back he looked me up but under the circumstances he wasn't himself and held back (hugs and kisses) WHY?
He apparently doesnt want to share his emotions with you at the moment. It could be because you and he both came together to cheat on your spouses. Most women i know cheat to get an emotional connection with someone new... Most men i know cheat to have sex (no emotional commitment at all). It seems as though you expected this guy to have feelings for you, and you are just now realizing he was just there for the sex.

understanding wrote :
4. WHY, would he not tell the truth about getting a divorce
Why would you expect this guy to ever tell the truth. His whole relationship with you has been centered on lies (the one to his wife, and the one to your husband). Honesty plays no part in cheating. Cheating is lying. Having an open relationship isnt lying since your partner knows and accepts the other people. As long as your cheating, or hes cheating, its all based on a lie.

understanding wrote :
5. Did I scare him away by e-mailing him very nicely (and caring) that I caught him in a lie about where he's staying
only he could tell, I would guess your email got him cought cheating and thus the divorce is happening and he isnt hugging and kissing you because now he realizes he lost the better person (his non-cheating wife mayby) to end up with someone he can never trust. But im just guessing about this one, there really could be 1000 or more possibles.. ask him hes the only one that knows.

understanding wrote :
6. If this meant something to him and he looked me up then why doesn't he reach out to me (is it because I am married & things for me are on the rocks as well but he knows)
How could it mean something... the basis of your relationship is lies and sex. Some feelings MAY have formed, but the whole relationship is based on lies and sex... feelings are an afterthought of most cheating for guys...


understanding wrote :
7. Finally, if I'm spinning my wheels how do I move on and let go as everyone makes it so easy. Is he just a player?
You knew he was married, a true player would have kept it a secret from the begining. Which is odd, hes semi-truthful... I think he likes getting caught, or is just the worst player ever...

understanding wrote :
Does he have someone else already? or could he really be waiting for the divorce to finalize.
He cheated to be with you, hes going to cheat ON you... people dont change very often, and when they do its almost always too late. You can expect this guy to have another lady besides you for the rest of your relationship.

understanding wrote :
Still makes no sense to me why the communication is almost non existant when in the beginning he couldn't talk to me enough,; maybe I'm just yesterday's news.
If your going to cheat, why stay with the same "old" news...


I really hope you can reconsider your views on cheating. You cant win. You will never get exactly what you want from a cheater. Lies are too much a part of who they have to be to cheat so even if they say they want what you want, they could be lying.

i have NO problems with open relationships even though i have never had one
 
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