Lonely27 is offline Lonely27 Post #1  November 2,2009, 5:56pm
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Hello,

My ID says it all... I just recently had my heart broken (3 Weeks ago). I want to move on, but it is hard. I loved the person, and they said they loved me back. The problem is he wasn't ready to committ and we were in a long distance relationship. We were also together for five years...
He tried transferring here three weeks ago and found out they closed the position where I live. He then decided to take a break, and said he needs time to think about everything. He said it is nothing I did, or didn't do, but that it is him. He just needs space right now. I'm devastated because of the love I had for him, and the future I hoped for. He is just not ready for committment...
Everyone tells me I need to move on, and obviously I'm trying since I'm on eharmony. I'm afraid I won't find someone who i have that instant chemistry with or who understands me completely. I told my ex-boyfriend I would be in a close location to where he is, due to a work meeting, in a couple of weeks. I've decided that is his opportunity to come see me, and I told him when and where I'd be. He hasn't emailed or called me back, I don't know if he is still thinking about everything or if he is just being mean. In my mind that is his last chance, but I don't know what to think. I need advice from an outside perspective... why do men stay in long relationship or long distance for over a year to just give up?
I hope he sees me so we can talk, even for one last time... we had no problems, we rarely faught, we use to brag about how much we loved each other, but I must not have been enough for him...

Please help.
 
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bravethestorm is offline bravethestorm Post #2  November 2,2009, 6:17pm
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This is one of those situations that you'll probably never know his real reason.

Usually it boils down to the pressure of long distance vs the convenience of shifting to someone more local.

Five years is a long time to not commit to someone so I believe he either doesn't know what he wants or just was settling until he found something he liked better.

You've put your option to meet out there though so if he takes it or not...that's a way to give closure or work things out. Beyond that...the ball really is in his court.

I wouldn't really hold my breath at this point though....focus on you. You deserve someone that wants the same things you do and commitment is a dealbreaker. The right person for you will commit with no doubts when the time is right...and that shouldn't take more than a year or two to know.

Good luck with your search!
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #3  November 2,2009, 6:23pm
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I’m not in agreement with “I need space.” I don’t do that, and if someone does it to me I consider it an invitation to take some new partners.

For what it’s worth, I put anything employment related as an essential, and dating as a nice-to-have luxury. Employment-related stress, inadequate funds, etc, all can mean the end of a relationship. When life doesn’t deal the hand you want, well, you play the hand you’re dealt.
I think you made a mistake with this “that is his last chance” attitude. That is a reason to leave, to me.

***

I think your situation is best addressed by engaging him with a discussion about what he needs to have in a relationship. Follow that with a consideration of whether you meet that.
 
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SactoDoug is offline SactoDoug Post #4  November 2,2009, 6:44pm
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is wondering why he can't get no satisfaction.

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I think you already know what is going on. If the two of you are going to have any future together, then the two of you have to be at the same location. His transfer request was denied so now he is rethinking your relationship because there is a real possibility that the two of you may not have a future together.

5 years is a long time to invest in a relationship. Let him have his space to think this over. If you pester him, you will just drive him away. Be prepared that he just might call it quits. If you really want to help him, then figure out a way for you to move to his town.
 
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kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #5  November 3,2009, 11:34am
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SactoDoug wrote :
I think you already know what is going on. If the two of you are going to have any future together, then the two of you have to be at the same location. His transfer request was denied so now he is rethinking your relationship because there is a real possibility that the two of you may not have a future together.

5 years is a long time to invest in a relationship. Let him have his space to think this over. If you pester him, you will just drive him away. Be prepared that he just might call it quits. If you really want to help him, then figure out a way for you to move to his town.
This.

Also, you asked why a man stays in a (long distance) relationship for X number of days and then gives up?
Because sooner or later, if it's not going anywhere, it's time to move on. Like SactoDoug said, he made an effort to move to your location and it fell through. If you want it to continue, it's your turn to make an effort to move to his location.
 
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