Why doesn't interest from people you don't find attractive "count"?


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mitchell175 is online now mitchell175 Post #31  March 26,2011, 9:22am
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Xable wrote :
So, I guess my point is, I think people might possible me a tad more successful with online dating if they were not so quick to push the close button until after you meet once.
Probably. But, I don't see that happening, and a lot of that comes down to "choice". Whether you simply perceive that you have more choice online, or if you actually do have more choice, it's the same.

Say you're a guy, and you get 20 matches. 15 of them pass your "first tier" test, then 10 of those you consider "pretty", 5 of them are "really pretty", and 2 of them you consider "hot". Which women do you think you are going to contact first? This is a generalization, because some guys will contact all 20, regardless. But, if you told that same guy: "You need to choose only 5 from this list, because you can't contact all 20", then what does he do? He has to narrow the field, and make a choice. There's no guarantee that the women he chooses to meet are the "best matches". But, this is no different than in a bar, where a guy will talk to one girl, but not another. He chooses based on some criteria that are important to him.

And, this is not singling out the guys, as if girls don't do this too. People do this. I just don't feel like you always have to be PC in your posts by saying "He/She" might do this...
 
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Xable is offline Xable Post #32  March 26,2011, 11:16am
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Okay, so you can only pick 5.

But, the questions was, "why doesn't interest from people...." Your scenario doesn't account for potential interest shown from the girls. They are simply matches so far. How does your decision for which ones you pick change if 2 of the 10 you consider "pretty" contact you first? Do you still decide to contact the top 5 "prettiest" ones or do you "give up" 2 of those to contact the 2 who expressed interest in you?
 
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mitchell175 is online now mitchell175 Post #33  March 26,2011, 12:44pm
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Xable wrote :
Okay, so you can only pick 5.

But, the questions was, "why doesn't interest from people...." Your scenario doesn't account for potential interest shown from the girls. They are simply matches so far. How does your decision for which ones you pick change if 2 of the 10 you consider "pretty" contact you first? Do you still decide to contact the top 5 "prettiest" ones or do you "give up" 2 of those to contact the 2 who expressed interest in you?
Good point. I had not read the OP, I was responding to some later posts.
From the OP:
wrote :
I've caught myself getting actively disappointed when someone I'm not at all attracted to shows some interest. Not only do I have to diplomatically find a way to let them down, I'm even more disappointed (maybe even borderline insulted) that it wasn't someone I could be completely into. And then I feel like a heel for feeling that way toward someone who simply doesn't match up to my hopes or standards, while I simultaneously settle back into the comfortable complaints of "Ugh! I can't find ANYONE!"
Ok, so you're the guy again. Let's say, instead, that the 2 women who contacted you didn't even make your "first tier" cut. Do you sacrifice 2 of the 5 to contact these "sure things"? Probably not. Because you're living off the hope, the perceived choice. Hope convinces you that you are so great, that the 5 "hot" women will definitely like you. So, you go with those 5. Chances are that none of them will respond. Now you've blown your 5 contacts, all because of your perceived choice.

But, what if those 2 women who contacted you fell in your "pretty" tier? Well, then you're probably at least interested enough to go for the sure thing, and will sacrifice 2 of the 5 for these women. You think that it would be awesome if one of the 5 "hot" women would like you. But, you're ok if one of the 2 "pretty" women like you. Because, you've already sort of "chosen" them.

Does that make sense?
 
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Mike74 is offline Mike74 Post #34  March 26,2011, 2:58pm
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That's a great post, Mitchell.

I'm not sure that I completely agree with the OP (who posted more than 2 years ago!). I turned my matching back on two weeks ago, after the end of a brief "fling". In that time, I have not found any of my matches compelling enough to initiate communication. However, I've been contacted by 4 women. Two I have responded to, and two I have closed (based upon either location, or other things in their profiles, including pictures.) I am grateful that each of these women has expressed interest, and each "counts" as a small boost in my self-confidence.

Of course, its Saturday night, and I'm home alone posting to eHarmony advice. Its been two weeks since my last successful date (the woman that I was seeing broke up with me by email the Monday after our last date, but the date went very well). Perhaps I have just not hit the "woe is me" stage of singlehood yet. A couple more weeks without a date, I'm sure I will be there!
 
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beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #35  March 26,2011, 3:29pm
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When I was in high school I was too shy to talk to any guys. My friend on the other hand was very outgoing. She had guys all over her, all the time but kept saying "no one likes me!". It was very annoying since I got no attention.

Now, years later, I can see her point and it is not just about a guys level of attractiveness. There are several factors.
1) Ok, yes attractiveness may be one of those factors, but if you aren't attracted to the person it usually just doesn't work.
2) You have nothing in common. Again, in the long run it probably wont work.
3) You have different life goals or are at different stages of your life.
ex: someone who wants to travel the world is asked out by someone who wants to start a family right away.
4) You may be attracted to the person, but they are a jerk.

The list can go on and on. I do get a lot of male attention, however it is by guys who are looking for a hookup or short/casual relationship. I do not count these guys because they are not what I am looking for. I am looking for something serious and meaningful. It is not that I don't find them attractive. Actually the opposite, I find a lot of them very attractive but they can't give me what I am looking for so they don't count.
 
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Xable is offline Xable Post #36  March 26,2011, 3:34pm
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mitchell175 wrote :

Does that make sense?
Yep, except you cannot honestly claim no one likes you. 2 women expressed interest. They liked you; you just didn't like them. Not the same thing as no one liking you.

And I would still ask, what is it about those 2 women who did contact you that you didn't like and what was it about those 5 women you did contact that you did like?

I'm all about digging deeper into our own actions to help improve and achieve more desirable results. If you are simply rejecting and accepting people because of "pretty" or "not" I think you are in for a long road ahead.

As for me, I probably would give up 2 of my 5 spots to contact the 2 who expressed interest. From a purely statistical stand point, my chances of finding the love of my life are greater that way.
 
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mitchell175 is online now mitchell175 Post #37  March 26,2011, 4:25pm
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Xable wrote :
Yep, except you cannot honestly claim no one likes you. 2 women expressed interest. They liked you; you just didn't like them. Not the same thing as no one liking you.
And I would still ask, what is it about those 2 women who did contact you that you didn't like and what was it about those 5 women you did contact that you did like?
I think this is where the idea of "leagues" come in. The trick is to figure out a) what league you think you're in and b) what league you're really in.

Sometimes you get interest from someone who you think is "not in your league". The OP says he is sometimes "borderline insulted". This would result from a case where he felt this person was beneath his league. (That's the interest from the non-top tier women). Other times, you are shooting for someone in a higher league. (Say, the hot women). Either way, you are left with the impression that "No one (decent, acceptable, attractive) is interested in me".

I'm not saying this is right. It just is.
 
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SufiMalcolm is offline SufiMalcolm Post #38  March 27,2011, 6:38am
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mitchell175 wrote :
Ok, so you're the guy again. Let's say, instead, that the 2 women who contacted you didn't even make your "first tier" cut. Do you sacrifice 2 of the 5 to contact these "sure things"? Probably not. Because you're living off the hope, the perceived choice. Hope convinces you that you are so great, that the 5 "hot" women will definitely like you. So, you go with those 5. Chances are that none of them will respond. Now you've blown your 5 contacts, all because of your perceived choice.

But, what if those 2 women who contacted you fell in your "pretty" tier? Well, then you're probably at least interested enough to go for the sure thing, and will sacrifice 2 of the 5 for these women. You think that it would be awesome if one of the 5 "hot" women would like you. But, you're ok if one of the 2 "pretty" women like you. Because, you've already sort of "chosen" them.

Does that make sense?
Sheeesh . . . I agree with Mike 74: this struck me as an out-of-the-ordinarily good post on your part.

(LOL) But then I started wondering why I felt so.

I guess . . . it's just comforting (to us guys) to know that a woman can do "incisive" if she has to.

Of course, if that's all she can do (and all she does), that would be exceedingly tiresome.

But it's like . . . well, some kind of relief . . . to know in the back of your mind that, if push came to shove, she not's incapable of it.

Sorry if that's too personal . . . but it's never struck me quite like that before -- thanks.
Last edited by SufiMalcolm; March 27,2011 at 6:46am.
 
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