notquiteforgotten is offline notquiteforgotten Post #1  November 1,2009, 6:34am
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I have been with my boyfriend for two years. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone before and we have talked a lot about marriage. Well, I found out that this past weekend he bought my engagement ring, so I expected a potential proposal within the next six months. When I hinted at this, he said the only reason he got the ring was because it was on sale and he didn't want to get married for another three to five years. He says he wants to be completely out of school, have a good job, and know that he has a certain level of wealth. The thing is, we will both be out of school by summer 2011, so I think three to five years is much to long to wait. In fact, I really don't think I can wait that long. I love him, but I'm starting to think he can't commit to me seriously. Part of me thinks that if he doesn't realize that he is being absurd and propose to me in the next six months or so, that I should leave him and try to find someone who is more willing to commit. What should I do? I don't want to wait another five years to start my life.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #2  November 1,2009, 2:02pm
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2011 is two years away. Another year or so after that is not so long to wait. He sounds like a good planner, not a commitment-phobe. He is rational and practical, which is not always romantic, but it might seem more so when you're my age and staring at an iffy retirement.

A man doesn't buy a ring just because it's on sale. He buys it because he intends to give it to someone. I'd try to be a bit more patient on the timeline if I could. Perhaps a compromise. A year after school if you both manage to save x amount of money for a down payment on a house (or whatever his idea of building wealth is about).

And, your statement "I don't want to wait another five years to start my life" concerns me a bit. What do you feel that you're missing out on now?
 
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CapnCrunch23 is offline CapnCrunch23 Post #3  November 1,2009, 2:24pm

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Really.. you think he is absurd?

Since you were being such a super snoop and ruined the element of surprise. I wouldn't doubt it, if he gave you that answer to throw you of track.

Knowing the exact date,time and place he is going to propose takes some of the excitement out of it doesn't it?
Last edited by CaptCrunch23; November 1,2009 at 2:50pm. Reason: I hope he snoops and reads your post!
 
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notquiteforgotten is offline notquiteforgotten Post #4  November 1,2009, 4:35pm
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I was not being a "super snoop" thank you very much. He told me. One good thing about him is that he doesn't keep things from me. We are both very honest with each other, and he knew that he wouldn't be able to keep it from me, so he just let me know. He just wont tell me when the proposal will be. But in a way, I hope that he is just doing this to throw me off...but I also know him well enough to know he isn't.
All I've wanted all my life was to be married and have a family. I dont really want anything else. I'd rather be a stay at home mom than anything else. So really, my life starts in my opinion when I get married and can start my family. It may sound demented, but that's how I am...I guess I should have been born a century ago or something.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #5  November 1,2009, 5:48pm
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notquiteforgotten wrote :
I was not being a "super snoop" thank you very much. He told me. One good thing about him is that he doesn't keep things from me. We are both very honest with each other, and he knew that he wouldn't be able to keep it from me, so he just let me know. He just wont tell me when the proposal will be. But in a way, I hope that he is just doing this to throw me off...but I also know him well enough to know he isn't.
All I've wanted all my life was to be married and have a family. I dont really want anything else. I'd rather be a stay at home mom than anything else. So really, my life starts in my opinion when I get married and can start my family. It may sound demented, but that's how I am...I guess I should have been born a century ago or something.
Think about this. You get impatient to just be married and start a family. You give up this guy who is obviously planning for a shared future with you. The guy who says yes right away either doesn't really mean it or isn't as prepared to do the right thing as your current guy.

I know it's hard to be patient when you know what you want but he really does sound like a good guy and like someone who cares about you and wants a future with you. Isn't it better to be with someone like that than just with someone who says yes now?

Also, just a word of caution from someone old enough to be your mother don't put your life on hold for a dream. Plan the future, and work for the future, but enjoy now for what it is and you'll not lose any joy when the future happens. And if that future turns out to be not what you thought it would be, you won't have any regrets about putting your life on hold.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #6  November 1,2009, 5:57pm
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I really like the post from LittleBlueMonkeyMind. I think her rationalization makes a lot of sense, and I think the negative assumptions you have in the OP are unfounded.

I think he is exactly right to look at his ability to support you - especially since you are looking to be supported!

One of the best ways to destroy your future is to have children you can't really afford, then be divorced by the woman who previously loved you "more than anything" when the money troubles add up. Heck, just being young and less-educated is a big risk.

(And you are right: that went out of style a long time ago.)

***

I think the right action is to express gratitude, and validate his concerns, demonstrate the behavor and values of a wife, then proceed to support his preparation to be a provider (and you should really stockpile some marketable skills yourself, either in case your values change, you want to be a decent role model for your children, or misfortune happens.)
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #7  November 1,2009, 6:18pm
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D_Lion wrote :
I really like the post from LittleBlueMonkeyMind. I think her rationalization makes a lot of sense, and I think the negative assumptions you have in the OP are unfounded.

I think he is exactly right to look at his ability to support you - especially since you are looking to be supported!

One of the best ways to destroy your future is to have children you can't really afford, then be divorced by the woman who previously loved you "more than anything" when the money troubles add up. Heck, just being young and less-educated is a big risk.

(And you are right: that went out of style a long time ago.)

***

I think the right action is to express gratitude, and validate his concerns, demonstrate the behavor and values of a wife, then proceed to support his preparation to be a provider (and you should really stockpile some marketable skills yourself, either in case your values change, you want to be a decent role model for your children, or misfortune happens.)
This, over and over again. If what you are bringing to the mix is being a helpmate (and it is a minority choice these days) and he's on board with that, this is in your best interest. And yes, use the time between now and then to gain some marketable experience. You never know what life is going to throw your way and it's best to be as versatile as you can be.

Good luck.
 
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notyet is offline notyet Post #8  November 1,2009, 10:04pm
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listen to the monkey. LBMM is giving very sound advise. those of us who did it wrong the first time around (meaning me) may have an angle on how to do it right. you are 21. what is the rush? slow down and do it right.
 
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natka is offline natka Post #9  November 2,2009, 7:37am
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never push a guy towards marriage. he is still with you. he is committed to you. slow down. continue getting to know him. marriage won't change anything but if you rush into it someone will always regret it and the misery starts. who said people have to get married anyway? two people can remain committed to one another for their entire life and not get married. actually that shows how strong your love is because you are happy just being next to each other and that's all that matters. you don't need a ring or a paper to tell you how much he loves you.
give him a break and just take a deep breath. at least you have a ring
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #10  November 2,2009, 7:56am
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You have a Planner on your hands. This will come in very useful, when you want to be able to buy a house, save for kids' college, etc., especially if you plan for him to be the sole breadwinner. If you want to be a stay-at-home mom, you have to be with a guy who can provide for that. This one sounds like he can.

Your life doesn't have to be nonexistent while you wait. You could be preparing for what your job is going to be. Take child development classes. Learn how to run a household. Learn to cook. Get a job at a daycare or preschool. Etc. Then when the time comes you will be better prepared. You are picking a very difficult job!
 
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