Lia1 is offline Lia1 Post #1  November 1,2009, 5:19am
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im hoping someone can help shed some light on my question.
ive been with a beautiful guy for over 3 years now. everything is great except we have no plans to get married. from the start, he knew how important marriage was to me although he did mention he wouldnt be ready for a while. 3 years down the track it still isnt in the near future
im almost 30 and i have dreams of getting married, starting a family. when i try and talk about it he gets quite annoyed and says he doesnt want to think about it as he still has things he needs to accomplish. these things are moving quite slowly...i know that i would have to wait another 3 or 4 years...at what point have i put my dreams on hold for too long?
any thoughts would be appreciated.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #2  November 1,2009, 3:10pm
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My personal experience with this was that it never happened. I can't answer your question. I would say that you need to sit down with him and the two of you need to talk this out. If he can't do even that much after three years without getting annoyed then I'd say your priority is not a priority to him and you have to decide whether you're okay with that.

People have different timelines, but expectations on both sides should be open topics of conversation and some compromise so that both sides' priorities are met has to happen. Otherwise, he's just stalling for time to keep you around.
 
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hazmat is offline hazmat Post #3  November 1,2009, 3:22pm
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littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
My personal experience with this was that it never happened. I can't answer your question. I would say that you need to sit down with him and the two of you need to talk this out. If he can't do even that much after three years without getting annoyed then I'd say your priority is not a priority to him and you have to decide whether you're okay with that.

People have different timelines, but expectations on both sides should be open topics of conversation and some compromise so that both sides' priorities are met has to happen. Otherwise, he's just stalling for time to keep you around.

LittleBlue is right. You've given him three years, the least he can do is discuss things without getting annoyed and show you some light at the end of the tunnel. What happens if you give him the 3-4 more years he says he "needs"...and then he still isn't ready ? Maybe you two really don't want the same things out of life.
 
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Lia1 is offline Lia1 Post #4  November 1,2009, 3:31pm
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thank you for taking the time to reply.
hazmat, you have raised one of my fears so im relieved to see im not being unreasonable.
thanks again guys.
 
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CapnCrunch23 is offline CapnCrunch23 Post #5  November 1,2009, 3:41pm

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location-location-location.. Oh wait! that only applies to real estate!

communication-communication-communication!

It's is time for that talk! That is great he has goals he would like accomplish. A 3yr realtionship needs to have them too. Not identifying what those goals are can lead to resentment on your part, followed by a difficult break up, Time to address them now and make your decision.
Last edited by CaptCrunch23; November 1,2009 at 4:17pm.
 
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alissag is offline alissag Post #6  November 1,2009, 4:24pm
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No matter where I am in my life or he is in his life, he will want to be with me or he won't. And, vice-versa!

For me, it's either there or it isn't, he either sees it with ME or he doesn't.
 
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lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  November 1,2009, 4:33pm
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Lia1 wrote :
i have dreams of getting married, starting a family. when i try and talk about it he gets quite annoyed and says he doesnt want to think about it as he still has things he needs to accomplish...at what point have i put my dreams on hold for too long? any thoughts would be appreciated.
Your dreams are important -- and the decision to marry and/or start a family are big topics.

The fact that he gets annoyed and resists discussing these topics, suggests to me that he's not necessarily a good partner. He ought to be able to at least discuss things rationally with you, when something is important to one or both of you. That's important for a relationship to be successful. May you could ask him if he wants a successful relationship with you.

How is he with other topics where you have differing viewpoints? If you eventually sort out the marriage / kids decision with him, will he be a good partner when other obstacles in life present themself?

If I were you, I would wait another year or so, IF he's willing to discuss it and consider your viewpoint without getting annoyed. Good luck!
 
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grlnxtdr is offline grlnxtdr Post #8  November 1,2009, 4:33pm
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Sorry to hear what you are going through with your boyfriend. I just broke up with a LTR boyfriend for the same reason. I still have love in my heart for him, but sometimes love is not enough.
Intially when we started dating he said he was ready for marriage, but as life circumstances and priorities change, he seemed as if he was less committed to the realtionship, (not cheating just work,school etc. taking up all his time,) it seemed as if I was the lowest priority on his list. Finally after several months of this I asked him if he still thought we would be getting married and what time frame we were looking at. Well after an honest discussion about life goals,and priorities, it was determined that we were moving in different directions, him wanting to pursue career, possibley move outa state and me wanting to marry and stay put.
With those two conflicting goals, there was no compromise. I can't give up my goals and hope he changes his mind, and I do not want him to give up his goals on account of me. So like I said, sometimes love is not enough.
I would strongly suggest having a heart to heart with him, it may hurt to realize that you no longer have the same goals, but why stay with him if there is no future. If he says he wants to marry in "the future" ask for specific goals that he has in mind that he wants to accomplish prior to marriage, and what time frame he is thinking of. If he can not provide an answer..most likely
A: He has no plans on ever marrying you.
B. He does not respect your need to feel secure.
C. He has not really thought about it before and will be able to provide an answer soon...but with this one, give him a time frame that you will accept, like two months to provide a solid answer.
I did this with my Ex. Told him I wanted to know where the relationship was headed...didn't expect an immediate answer, but would be reasking the question in a couple of months and expected a honest,answer.
In my mind I knew I was ready to move on if he was not ready to get married. It was not an ultimatum..it was more of a "Life is short, why waste time if I am not the person for you, we are adults lets not drag on the inevitable."
Well hope this helps,
Good luck.
 
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Lia1 is offline Lia1 Post #9  November 1,2009, 6:53pm
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thanks guys, your views are appreciated.
generally, this man is a wonderful partner. however, he is more the live each day type whereas im more plan plan plan. he often says to me that getting engaged is something you should feel you want as opposed to doing it because ive come to a certain age or that wev been together x amount of years,
what im afraid of is that yes, i can wait another year like someone suggested, but then you put almost 5 years into someone and walk away over marriage or no marriage. how hard would that be?!
my partner does so much more than many other husbands and its these qualities that keep me holding on.
he's told me 100% he wants to marry me but just has no time frames (and he dislikes time frames)
another problem is coming from a european background, being my age, female and unmarried causes many problems for me as im dealing with parents back from old school days...back then in 3 months couples were married and starting families and they look at me and think what on earth are you doing with someone who still hasnt proposed in 3 years...im sure some people will understand this mentality!
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #10  November 1,2009, 7:26pm
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Lia, my guy was a wonderful partner as well, and the only man, other than my ex-husband, I have ever considered marrying.

We were together 3 1/2 years. We were well suited to one another in most ways. I loved every moment with him, even the dull ones, because he was a good man and we loved one another.

But, in this one aspect, he was stuck in his own little world of fear. When we first started talking about it, he was okay. Later, he would get annoyed, change the subject, or distract me with something in the moment. He never wanted to really sit down and talk about it. He said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, but he didn't do the things that one does to make that happen.

I stayed as long as I could without becoming resentful. In the end, his fear won. I still miss him but I know that if I was still with him, he'd still be finding excuses not to move forward. I heard the same things about time frames and about wanting things to happen "organically" rather than being planned. What this boils down to is that he was perfectly happy as we were.

It's not really about your background or other people's expectations. It's about what you both want - about what constitutes a viable relationship for each of you. And about getting those to match. That should be the priority for both of you.

I think sometimes people get comfortable with the way things are and they are hesitant to change them. They don't seem to understand that things will change regardless of whether they take an active or a passive role.

Good luck with this. Maybe your guy is different. I hope so. I wish you all the best.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; November 1,2009 at 7:33pm.
 
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