D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #11  November 1,2009, 6:48pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,651

See profile

If he is giving concrete (specific, quantitative, enumerated, etc) criteria which he needs to achieve to marry (an idea I support), then I think you should consider mainly the adequacy of his plans and his progress.

He is right to get annoyed if you’re nagging, or he gave the criteria (completing education, establishing a certain income or cash flow) and you know full well he isn’t there yet, yet you keep bringing it up (not to say that is what you’re doing.)

If you haven’t reached that level of detail, then he is out of line to get annoyed with your request for specificity.

***

“I want to get married … someday” is weasel-speak for “to somebody else.” Sorry.

I get that this is a rock-and-hard-place choice: wait, and wait some more, which may take years; or give up and start over – which will take years and may result in the same situation repeated …

… which brings us to the point, and that is to investigate why he is not prepared to marry now (most men do, and 30-ish after three years, is a decent time to do so.)

I think your most important first decision is whether marriage per se is more important than this person (for me it would not be, so I would not leave a good partner due to reluctance to marry.)

At about 30, he needs to be respecting the finality of your choice (assuming family is an objective), so, I think it is right to force the conversation.
 
  Reply With Quote
Lia1 is offline Lia1 Post #12  November 1,2009, 6:51pm
Lia1's Avatar

is happy.

Newbie

Joined: Nov 2009

Posts: 5

See profile

littlebluemonkeymind: youve raised many issues and characteristics that i see in my own relationship. whether my guy is different or not is yet to be known, but they sounds fairly similar, especially the "let things happen naturally" part.
i would like to ask you something as you have mentioned this man you were once with and your ex husband : it's none of my business why you are divorced, but if you knew then what you knew now, would you have stayed with this man and sacrificed ever getting married knowing that you loved him and everything else was going well in general?
what im scared of is that im placing too much emphasis on the wedding/marriage even though i can see this man is so committed to me like a husband should be.
i hope that makes sense.
 
  Reply With Quote
Lia1 is offline Lia1 Post #13  November 1,2009, 7:02pm
Lia1's Avatar

is happy.

Newbie

Joined: Nov 2009

Posts: 5

See profile

D_Lion : Yes he is giving me reasons and things he needs to achieve
ie. career, completing some study, cash flow etc
Yes I do bring it up because im seeing very slow progress. Im more of a go getter, will work 3 jobs to achieve something I want whereas he's not. Hes still trying to get some funds together to complete a course. He is self employed which is difficult at times i suppose. However if that were me id go get a job and just get on with it. He sees that as the easy way...In this way, we are different but I try and respect his choices.
He 100% tells me he'd love to marry me, the delay is not due to being unsure about me, but because of things he needs to achieve.
He's 28 and I'm 29.
If i'm being unreasonable, glad to take any criticism.
 
  Reply With Quote
littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #14  November 1,2009, 7:35pm
littlebluemon…'s Avatar

Unregistered

Joined: Jul 2008

Posts: 13,649

See profile

Lia1 wrote :
littlebluemonkeymind: youve raised many issues and characteristics that i see in my own relationship. whether my guy is different or not is yet to be known, but they sounds fairly similar, especially the "let things happen naturally" part.
i would like to ask you something as you have mentioned this man you were once with and your ex husband : it's none of my business why you are divorced, but if you knew then what you knew now, would you have stayed with this man and sacrificed ever getting married knowing that you loved him and everything else was going well in general?
what im scared of is that im placing too much emphasis on the wedding/marriage even though i can see this man is so committed to me like a husband should be.
i hope that makes sense.
I was at a different place in my life than you are at and the circumstances were different. I would not go back to that knowing what I know now. I honestly believe (and have had some verification via mutual friends) that he would never have moved past his fear.

It sounds to me like your guy is a different story. Like it's more about agreeing to some goals and timelines. If he has concrete goals to achieve before marrying and has a viable plan for achieving those goals, that is different.

Still, it should be a topic that is revisited on a regular basis and without nagging or annoyance. If it is truly a goal you both want and are committed to, that shouldn't be so much an issue.
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #15  November 1,2009, 7:44pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,651

See profile

I will work three jobs for my needs, but not for a woman's - that's her duty, not mine.

(This difference in values may be significant to your relationship; it would be for me. Hearing what I "should" do to meet a dating partner's objective all but guarantees no commitment.)

I have my doubts here. Assuming you have an income and intend to continue it, I do not see waiting to marry as necessary. Non-working woman or children change the deal, though.

Personally, I do not find you unreasonable.

I think this one is worth the deep breath and push, hard, for what you want out of life.
 
  Reply With Quote
View is offline View Post #16  November 1,2009, 8:24pm
View's Avatar

I'm a flower

Quick Study

Joined: Sep 2009

Posts: 202

See profile

I say make a decision for yourself. You have already talked about it. It's time for some action girl. The only way to open his eyes is to think from your gut feeling.
 
  Reply With Quote
Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #17  November 2,2009, 12:18pm
Sassafras54's Avatar

Your Community Coordinator

Moderator

Joined: Oct 2009

San Pedro, CA

Posts: 9,073

See profile

Could you propose to him?
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 2 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« Don't know if I should stick this one out | Ask a Dating Expert | Communicating Stage »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
How long do you wait between dates? mukore Dating 17 November 1,2009 2:34pm
Requesting a photo - how long to wait? molly_and_me Using eHarmony 8 October 22,2009 8:57pm
How long do I wait for a reply? live4God Ask Problem Solvers 7 October 1,2009 5:41pm
how long should I wait? therecanbeonlyone Dating 0 August 22,2009 7:54pm
how long you wait to ask a woman out? treeye Dating 14 August 14,2009 5:14pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Does he date women his own age? Who pays? If he still hasn't called by tonight, should you call him? I can understand his read. It doesn't sound like you'll lose any sleep over Bill if you never ... ” –  Carole1520

Join the “My first "Matchmaker" date” discussion

“JNS - the way I handle these sparse/photoless profiles is to Archive them. If there is no photo, you can send a photo nudge. Also, keep an eye on the updates section on your home page. There it will ... ” –  mitchell175

Join the “Sparse profiles.” discussion

“ Thank you for your feedback, Sweetnectar. I've actually stopped the smoking thing because I'm not even sure why I do it when drinking. But I've also stopped receiving matches for now! No other ... ” –  Scott_in_LA

Join the “Profile and Pics Review, Please (M/38)” discussion

“List red flags for men Moderators are watching Get back on topic” –  harnomygirl

Join the “RED flags for men” discussion

“Here's the ad. Want your hair blown back? Trojan Vibrations Commercial Neighbors - YouTube You poor thing! Were you bad? Tweet ... This is the one, though now you did make me have to watch all ... ” –  Shelby

Join the “What kind of add you see on this board?” discussion

“That's the whole point of me posting here instead of saying all this to him. Because I KNOW it's too much. So that's what I'm saying - I am backing off. I'm not pressing. I put the ball in his court ... ” –  Holiday_HH

Join the “I think I blew it...” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 11:39am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0