Advice and Support from Thousands of Users Just Like You

Ask a Dating Expert See what our experts have to say, and then weigh in with your own advice. This discussion board is a great place to discover the wisdom of the group.

Reply
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 Last »
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
calmascanbe calmascanbe is offline
calmascanbe's Avatar

Newbie

Join Date: Sep 2009

Posts: 32

See profile

I am new in the online dating thing. I know that I am an intelligent, funny, witty, charming, and attractive woman. I was born in Mozambique (my mom, Hawaiian/Portuguese, dad Liberian). On some of the sites when asked my ethnic background I select all that apply, but on eH for example, there is very little selection you can make. If I wanted to select each of my ethnic backgrounds there is no option except other. On other dating sites that don't put emphasis on race people from other countries contact me, but it is different in the U.S.


Anyway I get very little matches, and when my gf signed up on eH after I did, and she had so many matches, good ones at that, we started working on my profile. I even wrote eH support team a letter to trouble shoot what could be missing from my profile, and although some of their suggestions were helpful, the problem remained the same. My bff suggested that maybe ppl don't select "other" in terms of ethnic background, and that maybe I should select "African American," and it was not only worse in match preference, but next to moot. So as afraid as I am to get the answer to this question, I want the answer. Is a person's race still an important factor in choosing love?
Last edited by calmascanbe; October 30th, 2009 at 05:47 am. Reason: remove error
- October 29th, 2009, 02:58 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#1   Reply With Quote
neardc neardc is offline
neardc's Avatar

neardc What year is it again?

Volunteer Community Leader

Join Date: Jun 2008

Posts: 5,474

See profile

The truth is that it matters for some, and not for others. That is just the reality of it (presumably, you are not particularly interested in being matched with men who do not wish to date multiethnic women or women whose ethnicity differs from their own anyway...). There is certainly much more openness and acceptance regarding interracial dating in this country than in the past, but that does not mean that it is no longer an issue.

You are right that eH is not set up to have the race category accurately represent you. Unfortunately, you can't modify the settings for race yourself (like you can your height setting -- as if that's something that's going to change!), or else it would be easy to change it periodically to see if doing that brings in more matches for you. And, it's unfortunate that--as long as race is part of the profile--you can't select multiple options, especially since being multiracial is so common.

What you can do is express your own openness to being with men of different races (e.g., indicate that race doesn't matter in your preferences). That will at least maximize the chances that men who are open to dating women of any race will be in your match pool.

The other thing to keep in mind is that more matches doesn't necessarily mean better matches, especially if the process is weeding out in advance men who are not open to dating you. Assuming you have a well-written profile, I can't imagine that the matches you do receive won't find you interesting (or beautiful), so you may still end up connecting with quite a few interesting men even with your smaller pool.

I wish I had a better answer for you!
- October 29th, 2009, 10:26 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#2   Reply With Quote
jayjay jayjay is offline
jayjay's Avatar

jayjay ....is feeling optimistic.

Power Poster

Join Date: Jun 2008

Posts: 8,275

See profile

Actually I have a weakness for women of ethnicities other than my own. I think I find a larger percentage of them to be beautiful than women of my own ethnicity (just some personal quirk of my own). Though, I'm sure there are some men who exclude other ethnicities from matching.
- October 29th, 2009, 11:02 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#3   Reply With Quote
notyet notyet is offline
notyet's Avatar

notyet *****

Virtuoso

Join Date: Nov 2008

Posts: 3,833

See profile

i cannot speak for everyone- but i can tell you what i think.

to me, race is unimportant. if i only responded to white ladies, i would be communicating with 50% fewer women on EH than i do now. in fact, the lady i am seeing this weekend for lunch is an EH match. she had her race listed as "african-america."

(although while typing this, i checked my own EH account and have noted that i am only communicating with one person who has their race listed as "other.")

i do have a suggestion, though. i highly recommend posting your profile here on advice in the "about you" forum. many of us have received priceless feed-back on what we have written about ourselves. most profiles benefit from this kind of feed-back.

i have looked at your profile here and seen your pictures. you are a beautiful young lady who i would think would have no problem finding interest no matter what your ethnic identifier is.

good luck with your search and let us know when/if you post your profile here for review.
- October 29th, 2009, 11:02 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#4   Reply With Quote
byte byte is offline
byte's Avatar

Newbie

Join Date: Oct 2009

Posts: 11

See profile

Race doesn't matter, it's culture that's important.
- November 3rd, 2009, 07:12 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#5   Reply With Quote

ADVERTISEMENT

kneo24 kneo24 is offline
kneo24's Avatar

Quick Study

Join Date: Nov 2009

Posts: 113

See profile

Race matters.. for some. For some, it's about racial purity. A lot of different Asian cultures tend to be this way. Indian culture is the same way too.

For some, certainly it's a bigotry issue. Those people can go F themselves.

And for some, some people just aren't attracted to other races. No bigotry about it, they just don't find the look physically appealing.

Personally, I have options wide open. I like the ladies too much to discriminate.

While we're on the topic of matches, even though this is off topic to your issue, don't be afraid to initiate communication. I think I remember seeing that you were old fashioned in that you wanted the guy to initiate first contact. This can potentially bite you. You are very pretty and some men will find that intimidating and will be hesitant.
- November 3rd, 2009, 07:23 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#6   Reply With Quote
peppermint21 peppermint21 is offline
peppermint21's Avatar

Quick Study

Join Date: Oct 2009

Posts: 195

See profile

I'm going to be honest with you since I'm also a Black woman and have been doin this online dating thing for a while. Race changes the game entirely.

I'm also on another dating site where you can see men's dating preferences and I can tell you that they need a check box that says "anything but Black". There are just so many men that check off every race/ethnicity but Black. I'm not faulting them for this as I really do understand, but it feels unfair sometimes, especially since I know I have all the other qualities they're looking for (I'd probably get more responses if I were 50lbs heavier and White).

I've learned something though...just because a man doesn't choose Black women as part of their online dating filter, it doesn't mean that they're not willing to date a Black woman...it just means that they're unwilling to sort through a bunch. I found a friend's profile online once and he had the "anything but Black" thing going on, but he was head over heels for my best friend (also Black).

You also have to consider the nature of the site. eHarmony attracts traditional guys looking for traditional relationships. I think there are tons of guys these days that would date a Black woman...but marriage might be a different game.

I do want to add though that it's not just race. I'm 6' tall and have the same issue with height. Every guy seems to want a woman under 5'10".

I've personally had more luck pursuing my interests offline and letting men get to know who I am underneath the skin. Also, I've selected "other" (or also checked off Native American since I do have some blood) and gotten more responses...but I've run into looks of disappointment once they learned I'm Black born in America. Maybe you'll have more luck with that since you're not from here. Good luck!
- November 4th, 2009, 05:46 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#7   Reply With Quote
legend29 legend29 is online now
legend29's Avatar

legend29 is happy....:)

Virtuoso

Join Date: Aug 2008

Posts: 2,835

See profile

calmascanbe wrote :
I am new in the online dating thing. I know that I am an intelligent, funny, witty, charming, and attractive woman. I was born in Mozambique (my mom, Hawaiian/Portuguese, dad Liberian). On some of the sites when asked my ethnic background I select all that apply, but on eH for example, there is very little selection you can make. If I wanted to select each of my ethnic backgrounds there is no option except other. On other dating sites that don't put emphasis on race people from other countries contact me, but it is different in the U.S.


Anyway I get very little matches, and when my gf signed up on eH after I did, and she had so many matches, good ones at that, we started working on my profile. I even wrote eH support team a letter to trouble shoot what could be missing from my profile, and although some of their suggestions were helpful, the problem remained the same. My bff suggested that maybe ppl don't select "other" in terms of ethnic background, and that maybe I should select "African American," and it was not only worse in match preference, but next to moot. So as afraid as I am to get the answer to this question, I want the answer. Is a person's race still an important factor in choosing love?
Hmmmmm....you seem to have a great pic but maybe something in your profile is off. I say this because I am a black/latina...look African-American... but I have never had a problem on EH or any other dating site in regards to repsonses.

Maybe you should try to have EH review your profile again, and give you suggestions that will improve your responses.

But then, I live in the Northeast where race and ethnicity does not seem to be as much of an issue as I have seen in other regions based on other threads I have read concerning race and ethnicity on this site and other dating sites...and living in NYC may be a factor as well, because we are sort of a 'melting pot' with a plethera of races and ethnicities that we are exposed to. It is a very open-minded region, which is why I would never live anywhere else!
- November 4th, 2009, 06:23 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#8   Reply With Quote
islandrain80 islandrain80 is offline
islandrain80's Avatar

islandrain80 has tired feet from chasing and waiting around....

Pacesetter

Join Date: Feb 2008

Posts: 434

See profile

calmascanbe wrote :
I am new in the online dating thing. I know that I am an intelligent, funny, witty, charming, and attractive woman. I was born in Mozambique (my mom, Hawaiian/Portuguese, dad Liberian). On some of the sites when asked my ethnic background I select all that apply, but on eH for example, there is very little selection you can make. If I wanted to select each of my ethnic backgrounds there is no option except other. On other dating sites that don't put emphasis on race people from other countries contact me, but it is different in the U.S.


Anyway I get very little matches, and when my gf signed up on eH after I did, and she had so many matches, good ones at that, we started working on my profile. I even wrote eH support team a letter to trouble shoot what could be missing from my profile, and although some of their suggestions were helpful, the problem remained the same. My bff suggested that maybe ppl don't select "other" in terms of ethnic background, and that maybe I should select "African American," and it was not only worse in match preference, but next to moot. So as afraid as I am to get the answer to this question, I want the answer. Is a person's race still an important factor in choosing love?
I think it depends on the person and how they were raised (to a point). Personally, I've never been attracted to African-American men. Nothing against them, I've been friends with them and they were great. Just no sexual attraction. I think it's in part of how I was raised. My Father and Uncle were a little racists against them.

My mom had a talk with me sometime last year about this, asking if I ever looked at African-American males. I explained to her no, and why (dad's comments). She brought this up with my dad (he's White, she's Hawaiian). He explained his views (there were two types of African-Americans to him...N's and ones who work hard, etc....he didn't want me dating the 1st type). Granted, it eased my views about dating one (because now I'm not worried about my dad being racist if I brought one home) but still, not attracted to them.

I dated an Indian over the summer. Never been attracted to them before, but after the dates I found their looks and accent extremely attractive! Though 90% of the time I still lean towards Caucasians.
- November 5th, 2009, 08:31 am
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#9   Reply With Quote
calmascanbe calmascanbe is offline
calmascanbe's Avatar

Newbie

Join Date: Sep 2009

Posts: 32

See profile

Well, thank you all for the feedback. I will look into my personal profile, and agree it could be the regions. Legend29, what do you put down as your ethnic background. On eH, I put other or African-American.
I have expanded my search to anywhere in the U.S., and do see more matches avail, but after only being with eH, and having close to 400matches closed, a bit of a skeptic. I know I am not looking for hundreds of potential matches, just the one, and suppose that is what I will keep in mind. Thanks again for all the responses.
- November 5th, 2009, 09:33 am
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#10   Reply With Quote

ADVERTISEMENT

Reply
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 Last »

Bookmarks

« I fell for her too quickly, now what do I do? | Array | How do i confront with the age thing? »
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
The Race Issue! humulity25 Ask a Dating Expert 5 September 27th, 2009 06:24 pm

Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“ Yes. I'm getting past the moderators and educating a nation at the same time ~ like Mother Theresa of the online potty mouthed community. No need to thank me. ” – trixie1868

Join the “Getting Over My Girlfriend's Past Lovers?” discussion

“Posting to OP...I think since you have a child you should not live with someone unless there is a commitment..to me that would be marriage but engagement may be enough. Do you think he is at all ... ” – tjlpd

Join the “co-habiting with no engagement... smart or not?” discussion

“ You know you're not a weirdo, so try not to let it get to you. I have definitely had overly enthusiastic men directing attention at me. Out of all of these, I would only classify two of them as ... ” – suzyblueeyes

Join the “Rough Start” discussion

“Attaching any strings is unhealthy, and evil... (okay i actually meant that, it just sounded funny). If you do, do because you want to do, not because you are trying to obligate somebody to come ... ” – richey

Join the “Giving gifts, does attaching strings make you selfish or show love?” discussion

“Love at first sight - You are 21, so there. Power to you! Smile, love, fly high....It's your time!! Having said that, we humans are like that, despite it all, we hope that someone sees us, and says: ... ” – BlueHeron

Join the “Is love at first sight real?” discussion

“how to break up without breaking your partner's ego!!!! this is a pretty good one some time you can no help but hurt there ego in most case.that when you deal with inmature men that try to break ... ” – misswright

Join the “How to Break up Without Breaking your Partner's Ego ” discussion

“ But think about specific people? There are some women with a similiar style to mine, and some men with a more "feminine" style ... even if there is a correlation of style to gender, individual ... ” – ami1uwant

Join the “He said She said” discussion

“People are on their best behavior in the early stages of dating. If this is his best behavior, what is his bad behavior going to be like?” – suzyblueeyes

Join the “Stop Talking” discussion



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:29 pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2010, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.3.0