Does a person's race still matter when looking for love


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calmascanbe is offline calmascanbe Post #1  October 29,2009, 1:58pm
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I am new in the online dating thing. I know that I am an intelligent, funny, witty, charming, and attractive woman. I was born in Mozambique (my mom, Hawaiian/Portuguese, dad Liberian). On some of the sites when asked my ethnic background I select all that apply, but on eH for example, there is very little selection you can make. If I wanted to select each of my ethnic backgrounds there is no option except other. On other dating sites that don't put emphasis on race people from other countries contact me, but it is different in the U.S.


Anyway I get very little matches, and when my gf signed up on eH after I did, and she had so many matches, good ones at that, we started working on my profile. I even wrote eH support team a letter to trouble shoot what could be missing from my profile, and although some of their suggestions were helpful, the problem remained the same. My bff suggested that maybe ppl don't select "other" in terms of ethnic background, and that maybe I should select "African American," and it was not only worse in match preference, but next to moot. So as afraid as I am to get the answer to this question, I want the answer. Is a person's race still an important factor in choosing love?
Last edited by calmascanbe; October 30,2009 at 4:47am. Reason: remove error
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #2  October 29,2009, 9:26pm
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The truth is that it matters for some, and not for others. That is just the reality of it (presumably, you are not particularly interested in being matched with men who do not wish to date multiethnic women or women whose ethnicity differs from their own anyway...). There is certainly much more openness and acceptance regarding interracial dating in this country than in the past, but that does not mean that it is no longer an issue.

You are right that eH is not set up to have the race category accurately represent you. Unfortunately, you can't modify the settings for race yourself (like you can your height setting -- as if that's something that's going to change!), or else it would be easy to change it periodically to see if doing that brings in more matches for you. And, it's unfortunate that--as long as race is part of the profile--you can't select multiple options, especially since being multiracial is so common.

What you can do is express your own openness to being with men of different races (e.g., indicate that race doesn't matter in your preferences). That will at least maximize the chances that men who are open to dating women of any race will be in your match pool.

The other thing to keep in mind is that more matches doesn't necessarily mean better matches, especially if the process is weeding out in advance men who are not open to dating you. Assuming you have a well-written profile, I can't imagine that the matches you do receive won't find you interesting (or beautiful), so you may still end up connecting with quite a few interesting men even with your smaller pool.

I wish I had a better answer for you!
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  October 29,2009, 10:02pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Actually I have a weakness for women of ethnicities other than my own. I think I find a larger percentage of them to be beautiful than women of my own ethnicity (just some personal quirk of my own). Though, I'm sure there are some men who exclude other ethnicities from matching.
 
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notyet is offline notyet Post #4  October 29,2009, 10:02pm
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i cannot speak for everyone- but i can tell you what i think.

to me, race is unimportant. if i only responded to white ladies, i would be communicating with 50% fewer women on EH than i do now. in fact, the lady i am seeing this weekend for lunch is an EH match. she had her race listed as "african-america."

(although while typing this, i checked my own EH account and have noted that i am only communicating with one person who has their race listed as "other.")

i do have a suggestion, though. i highly recommend posting your profile here on advice in the "about you" forum. many of us have received priceless feed-back on what we have written about ourselves. most profiles benefit from this kind of feed-back.

i have looked at your profile here and seen your pictures. you are a beautiful young lady who i would think would have no problem finding interest no matter what your ethnic identifier is.

good luck with your search and let us know when/if you post your profile here for review.
 
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byte is offline byte Post #5  November 3,2009, 6:12pm
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Race doesn't matter, it's culture that's important.
 
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kneo24 is offline kneo24 Post #6  November 3,2009, 6:23pm
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Race matters.. for some. For some, it's about racial purity. A lot of different Asian cultures tend to be this way. Indian culture is the same way too.

For some, certainly it's a bigotry issue. Those people can go F themselves.

And for some, some people just aren't attracted to other races. No bigotry about it, they just don't find the look physically appealing.

Personally, I have options wide open. I like the ladies too much to discriminate.

While we're on the topic of matches, even though this is off topic to your issue, don't be afraid to initiate communication. I think I remember seeing that you were old fashioned in that you wanted the guy to initiate first contact. This can potentially bite you. You are very pretty and some men will find that intimidating and will be hesitant.
 
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peppermint21 is offline peppermint21 Post #7  November 4,2009, 4:46pm
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I'm going to be honest with you since I'm also a Black woman and have been doin this online dating thing for a while. Race changes the game entirely.

I'm also on another dating site where you can see men's dating preferences and I can tell you that they need a check box that says "anything but Black". There are just so many men that check off every race/ethnicity but Black. I'm not faulting them for this as I really do understand, but it feels unfair sometimes, especially since I know I have all the other qualities they're looking for (I'd probably get more responses if I were 50lbs heavier and White).

I've learned something though...just because a man doesn't choose Black women as part of their online dating filter, it doesn't mean that they're not willing to date a Black woman...it just means that they're unwilling to sort through a bunch. I found a friend's profile online once and he had the "anything but Black" thing going on, but he was head over heels for my best friend (also Black).

You also have to consider the nature of the site. eHarmony attracts traditional guys looking for traditional relationships. I think there are tons of guys these days that would date a Black woman...but marriage might be a different game.

I do want to add though that it's not just race. I'm 6' tall and have the same issue with height. Every guy seems to want a woman under 5'10".

I've personally had more luck pursuing my interests offline and letting men get to know who I am underneath the skin. Also, I've selected "other" (or also checked off Native American since I do have some blood) and gotten more responses...but I've run into looks of disappointment once they learned I'm Black born in America. Maybe you'll have more luck with that since you're not from here. Good luck!
 
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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #8  November 4,2009, 5:23pm
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calmascanbe wrote :
I am new in the online dating thing. I know that I am an intelligent, funny, witty, charming, and attractive woman. I was born in Mozambique (my mom, Hawaiian/Portuguese, dad Liberian). On some of the sites when asked my ethnic background I select all that apply, but on eH for example, there is very little selection you can make. If I wanted to select each of my ethnic backgrounds there is no option except other. On other dating sites that don't put emphasis on race people from other countries contact me, but it is different in the U.S.


Anyway I get very little matches, and when my gf signed up on eH after I did, and she had so many matches, good ones at that, we started working on my profile. I even wrote eH support team a letter to trouble shoot what could be missing from my profile, and although some of their suggestions were helpful, the problem remained the same. My bff suggested that maybe ppl don't select "other" in terms of ethnic background, and that maybe I should select "African American," and it was not only worse in match preference, but next to moot. So as afraid as I am to get the answer to this question, I want the answer. Is a person's race still an important factor in choosing love?
Hmmmmm....you seem to have a great pic but maybe something in your profile is off. I say this because I am a black/latina...look African-American... but I have never had a problem on EH or any other dating site in regards to repsonses.

Maybe you should try to have EH review your profile again, and give you suggestions that will improve your responses.

But then, I live in the Northeast where race and ethnicity does not seem to be as much of an issue as I have seen in other regions based on other threads I have read concerning race and ethnicity on this site and other dating sites...and living in NYC may be a factor as well, because we are sort of a 'melting pot' with a plethera of races and ethnicities that we are exposed to. It is a very open-minded region, which is why I would never live anywhere else!
 
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islandrain80 is offline islandrain80 Post #9  November 5,2009, 7:31am
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calmascanbe wrote :
I am new in the online dating thing. I know that I am an intelligent, funny, witty, charming, and attractive woman. I was born in Mozambique (my mom, Hawaiian/Portuguese, dad Liberian). On some of the sites when asked my ethnic background I select all that apply, but on eH for example, there is very little selection you can make. If I wanted to select each of my ethnic backgrounds there is no option except other. On other dating sites that don't put emphasis on race people from other countries contact me, but it is different in the U.S.


Anyway I get very little matches, and when my gf signed up on eH after I did, and she had so many matches, good ones at that, we started working on my profile. I even wrote eH support team a letter to trouble shoot what could be missing from my profile, and although some of their suggestions were helpful, the problem remained the same. My bff suggested that maybe ppl don't select "other" in terms of ethnic background, and that maybe I should select "African American," and it was not only worse in match preference, but next to moot. So as afraid as I am to get the answer to this question, I want the answer. Is a person's race still an important factor in choosing love?
I think it depends on the person and how they were raised (to a point). Personally, I've never been attracted to African-American men. Nothing against them, I've been friends with them and they were great. Just no sexual attraction. I think it's in part of how I was raised. My Father and Uncle were a little racists against them.

My mom had a talk with me sometime last year about this, asking if I ever looked at African-American males. I explained to her no, and why (dad's comments). She brought this up with my dad (he's White, she's Hawaiian). He explained his views (there were two types of African-Americans to him...N's and ones who work hard, etc....he didn't want me dating the 1st type). Granted, it eased my views about dating one (because now I'm not worried about my dad being racist if I brought one home) but still, not attracted to them.

I dated an Indian over the summer. Never been attracted to them before, but after the dates I found their looks and accent extremely attractive! Though 90% of the time I still lean towards Caucasians.
 
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calmascanbe is offline calmascanbe Post #10  November 5,2009, 8:33am
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Well, thank you all for the feedback. I will look into my personal profile, and agree it could be the regions. Legend29, what do you put down as your ethnic background. On eH, I put other or African-American.
I have expanded my search to anywhere in the U.S., and do see more matches avail, but after only being with eH, and having close to 400matches closed, a bit of a skeptic. I know I am not looking for hundreds of potential matches, just the one, and suppose that is what I will keep in mind. Thanks again for all the responses.
 
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