djsmitty is offline djsmitty Post #1  October 27,2009, 3:06pm
djsmitty's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Oct 2009

Posts: 7

See profile

I have been in a relationship with a guy for 14 months. Just recently we had a conversation about the future and what we are both looking for. He says he's not sure he ever sees himself living with/marrying again. (He was in a relationship for 10 years- married for one of those years.) Now I never pushed the issue of living together anytime soon or marriage at all - in fact said I was unsure I ever wat to be married again but would definitely like to share my life/live with the one I love down the road. Suddenly he thinks that we should end the relationship - says he loves me but he doesn't think he will be able to give me what I need and doesn't want to hurt me. I have to add that this has been a wonderful relationship in all ways - we have been very happy and get along so well. I know he loves me and his actions in the relationship would never have led me to believe that it would come to this. Needless to say I am devastated by this and think he is making a big mistake. I am completely baffled and don't understand at all. Can anyone give any advice??
 
  Reply With Quote
sailingtme is offline sailingtme Post #2  October 27,2009, 6:40pm
sailingtme's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Oct 2009

New Jersey

Posts: 32

See profile

My heart goes out to you because you're on the receiving end of his deeply rooted problems from the previous relationship. Sounds like you were the rebound relationship, even thou he thought he have loved you he now knows there is nothing inside his soul he can offer you. He just became emotionally unavailable, it stems from lack of proper closure from previous relationship. Same man often do this to kill the pain of a previous relationship vs dealing with it for a long time. I'm sorry this is happening to you but this has potential for being long and painful for you. You need to think about your needs in a relationship and look at yourself objectively. I know it seems impossible right now but you need to be strong.

Come here anytime you have a question or just having a hard time there are many wonderful and supportive folks on here.

best of luck to you.
 
  Reply With Quote
kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #3  October 28,2009, 8:52am
kevin76's Avatar

Pacesetter

Joined: Jun 2008

Louisiana

Posts: 447

See profile

He enjoys what he has with you and doesn't want any more (because it's 'safe'.)
You want more, and he knows that, and wants you to be happy but can't bring himself to give you what you want, because of his own issues.

I suspect you understand with your head, just not with your heart. Because you don't want it to be that way, and it hurts you. I'm sorry, but you can't make him be ready for more.
You think he's making a mistake because he's passing up a chance to have what you want. But he doesn't want that, so to him it's not a mistake. He figures the end was coming sooner or later, and it will hurt less doing it sooner.
If you can be happy how things are, and accept that it may never change, tell him that and maybe he will stay with you on those terms.
If you wouldn't be happy leaving things as they have been, then he is doing you a favor by helping you move on, so maybe you can find someone else who wants what you want.

Like the previous poster said, it's time for you to think about your own needs and take care of yourself.
 
  Reply With Quote
DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  October 28,2009, 11:36am
DancingFool's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 5,209

See profile

Humans are sometimes complex creatures. I have no doubt that the cares about you, but whatever he is feeling is not enough. Since he realizes that you want more, he is doing you a favor by pulling the plug on the relationship instead of stringing you along. I know you probably don't want to believe this right now, but the reality is that from his perspective the relationship has been comfortable, but at the same time not really what he is ultimately looking for. Unfortunately, whenever someone starts to tell you things like I'm not ready for the next step, etc., what they are not telling is that they don't want it with you. It's not that they don't care about you, it's that they don't care enough.
 
  Reply With Quote
djsmitty is offline djsmitty Post #5  October 28,2009, 1:13pm
djsmitty's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Oct 2009

Posts: 7

See profile

I appreciate your responses. I hear and understand what you are all saying but like you say, foolish me, don't want to believe it. As far as the rebound theory, he actually did more dating than I did before we met (on eharmony) - we both came from the same sort of previous long relationship/marriage. Maybe it was lack of proper closure- I'm not sure. But I also cannot understand why he would stay in the relationship for over a year before realizing IT wasn't what he wanted or just doesn't want it with ME - and as he said he knew all along that I would want more eventually. Most people would figure it out long before that much time goes by - before someone gets too hurt! We had a little bump in the road with this issue about 2 months ago but he ended up jumping right back into the relationship and things were great again. I actually am the one that approached the subject just recently and this is how it turned out. Like I said I didn't push for anything in the near future and not even sure if marriage will ever be for me again. He just says he's confused, overwhelmed and not sure what he's capable of. And don't people join Eharmony to meet that special person?? If a person is not sure what they can offer in a relationship, doesn't seem they should be on that type of website. Again I appreaciate any and all advice. I'm not trying to beat this to death or even hoping to hear what I want. I just am trying to find a way to deal with and get through this because I am truly heartbroken.
 
  Reply With Quote
sailingtme is offline sailingtme Post #6  October 28,2009, 5:35pm
sailingtme's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Oct 2009

New Jersey

Posts: 32

See profile

Dear Heartbroken.

You like him a lot and it shows with the way you're fighting for the both of you. Perhaps you just need to give him time, The best advise I can give you is please read the book by by Dr. John Gray Phd.
Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One

This is great book and it will help you understand your own feelings and what is going on with your loved one. You can get it on tape from a local library as well. He explains in detail how man and women grief and let go after Painful Breakup.


Best of luck
 
  Reply With Quote
Nounou is offline Nounou Post #7  November 1,2009, 8:12am
Nounou's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Nov 2009

Posts: 4

See profile

My heart goes out to you too because you are right in a way it doesnt make sense and that is so hard for you to make sense of it all!I came across an article in the eH website talking about how to tell if a man is mature enough for a relationship and how to read the signs if he isnt!Please read it i think it might help a bit!Hope you feel happy again in the not too distant future and hang in there taking consolation in the fact maybe that there are quite a few heartbroken people out there[me included]Take carexx
 
  Reply With Quote
djsmitty is offline djsmitty Post #8  November 1,2009, 10:57am
djsmitty's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Oct 2009

Posts: 7

See profile

Thanks again for your thoughts, ideas and advice. .and yes it's very hard for me to understand since we had such a great relationship - the chemistry was definitely there -and I just feel blindsided by the whole thing. As far as him being mature enough - he's about to turn 43 - so it's not like he's 23- that would be a little more understanding. If at 43 you aren't sure what you want - wow! But then again maybe he never wants to get to that "level" with anyone again. If that's the case, it was very unfair for him to continue the relationship with me as long and at the level that he did.
 
  Reply With Quote
littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #9  November 1,2009, 3:54pm
littlebluemon…'s Avatar

Sage

Joined: Jul 2008

Posts: 13,324

See profile

I dated a man who was 45 and didn't know what he wanted. Actually, I did that several times. All of them were perfectly happy to keep dating me.

Age has nothing to do with maturity. I'm sorry that you're in this situation but I'd definitly listen to what he's saying and let it go. If he's not willing to continue the relationship, for whatever reason, there is no relationship.
 
  Reply With Quote
djsmitty is offline djsmitty Post #10  November 1,2009, 4:52pm
djsmitty's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Oct 2009

Posts: 7

See profile

Dear Nounou - The EH article that you suggested I read- Is it "What an emotionally mature man looks like"?
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« A question about shallow hookups vs. codependency? | Ask a Dating Expert | Will we forever wonder about what could be if we walk away now? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“It's important to understand the way a site works. Rigidly assuming / insisting that eH works likes all the others you're used to isn't utilizing the site functions to your best advantage. No.... ... ” –  Wiseman2

Join the “First contact on eHarmony, smile, questions, email?” discussion

“ If you have yet to meet, you don't know him or whether you two will form a connection. Connections formed over e-mail tend to be fantasies. You will see this echoed over and over by experienced ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “How do i recoonect with him again?” discussion

“ Then it's a bit premature to worry about being friend-zoned. The first step is to go out on dates! What specific steps did you try? How many women did you ask out in person? Did you buy a ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “For women to answer: How to avoid the friend zone” discussion

“ This is an old thread. She asked this in 2010. By now they are likely very exclusive or very over. ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “is there a reason to ask if we're exclusive?” discussion

“ I'm sure he wouldn't get that. And I can't be sure that was the actual message. But it sems kind of likely to me.” –  boomer_gal

Join the “Why am I not successful?” discussion

“Hi eccemuliere and welcome to eHA.On an internet forum like eHA, you're going to get a wide variety of responses; some you'll like and some you won't. It's best to focus on the ones that speak to ... ” –  Sassafras54

Join the “Being blown off, or something else?” discussion

“ Although I have ignored my gut at times, in hindsight it's always been right, in terms of recognizing bad choices. QUOTE] But once we realize our past mistakes, we can use our reason to clue us ... ” –  eccemuliere

Join the “Is Your Gut Leading - or Misleading You?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 11:28am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0