djsmitty is offline djsmitty Post #11  November 4,2009, 2:48pm
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Well unfortunately I didn't take the advice that I should have and have been in contact with him. At first it was ok but he still seemed to talk in circles sounding very confused. But that's not even the worst part. I guess I got him mad (about some insignificant thing-not even relationship related) and suddenly he got so insensitive and quite literally cruel. He has never spoken to me that way before and really hurt me. I would never have imagined in the year+ that he would treat me the way he did today. Maybe I'm taking it a little too personallly - but I don't think so. I'm starrting to think he's not the person I thought he was at all - but if so he did a pretty good job of pretending for our entire relationship. So bottom line I told him how hurt I was and I did not deserve to be treated that way. I won't be contacting him again - as much as it hurts. Just wanted to vent - thanks for all the advice and the support!
 
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sailingtme is offline sailingtme Post #12  November 4,2009, 5:26pm
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Hey Dj sometimes we are all guilty of hoping and holding down to a relationship doing the same thing over and over again. But then, comes that day when we realize that opening old wounds just doesn't feel good any more. That my fried is the beginning of your healing....

Come anytime you're feeling blue we're here for you and with you.

Hugs
 
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djsmitty is offline djsmitty Post #13  November 7,2009, 6:06am
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Well if nothing else I was hoping at least for an apology for the way he spoke to me and treated me during that last phone call. It really hurt and like I said nothing I had seen/felt before from him. But if he's ok with how he treated me, maybe that's the real him. Thanks again - will definitely take you up on the invite to come vent when I feel the need. Good people here!
 
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FruitaBu is offline FruitaBu Post #14  November 7,2009, 6:35am
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I have been on both sides of this sort of thing. I have heard the "it's not you, it's me" thing and I have said it sincerely to people I really cared about, but was not ready for.

I think we all have a sense when the other person is deeper into a relationship than we are and even when we really care, it can begin to create a silent pressure inside us. The pressure becomes more intense when we really do have feelings for the person and respect them because we don't want them to feel hurt or waste their time if we aren't progressing at the same pace.

You are not pressuring him (from what I can tell), he is pressuring himself. Sometimes, backing off completely will give them the space they need to reassess their own feelings. They can get back in touch with them once that pressure feeling goes away. The pressure can't subside until you are literally not around.

Usually when I have completely backed off from a person, I give myself the needed space to sort out my own feelings too. Often I come to the conclusion that ending the relationship was for the best after all.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #15  November 7,2009, 7:30am
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djsmitty wrote :
I have been in a relationship with a guy for 14 months. Just recently we had a conversation about the future and what we are both looking for. He says he's not sure he ever sees himself living with/marrying again. (He was in a relationship for 10 years- married for one of those years.) Now I never pushed the issue of living together anytime soon or marriage at all - in fact said I was unsure I ever wat to be married again but would definitely like to share my life/live with the one I love down the road. Suddenly he thinks that we should end the relationship - says he loves me but he doesn't think he will be able to give me what I need and doesn't want to hurt me. I have to add that this has been a wonderful relationship in all ways - we have been very happy and get along so well. I know he loves me and his actions in the relationship would never have led me to believe that it would come to this. Needless to say I am devastated by this and think he is making a big mistake. I am completely baffled and don't understand at all. Can anyone give any advice??
I'm so sorry that you are in this situation, and my heart goes out to you. I have found myself in this situation before, and I think the thing that hurt and frustrated me the most was being led to believe one thing and then finding the complete turn around in feelings from the other person over night, usually accompanied by what seems like a not so honest explanation of their sudden change in feelings. It does leave a feeling of devastation when a person either is not honest with him/herself or not honest with you until you're deep in it, doesn't it?

However, that said, there really isn't much you can do in this situation but respect the other person's position, and if the end of the relationship comes, make a firm break, even if you do still have feelings for him. I know it's hard, and it won't feel like it at first, but it is the best thing for you. Don't allow yourself to be toyed with down the road, either, should he return and try to rekindle something that is over and done. In your situation, he has said he is making a choice to not hurt you by telling you he cannot give you what you need now or maybe ever, so if he leaves and comes back to you, say 5 - 6 months from now, and says what a horrible mistake he's made, I'd be quite leery. I didn't follow this advice when it was given to me, and if I thought I was devastated the first time, I wasn't nearly prepared for what I'd feel the second time. It's okay to forgive him for hurting you, but that's the line I've drawn for myself in regards to my life. I realize my experience won't necessarily equate to yours--just sharing.

Best wishes to you.
 
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djsmitty is offline djsmitty Post #16  February 15,2010, 8:37am
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Hi again advice friends...back again...well it's been 3 1/2 months and I have been unable to let go or move on. So for those of you who gave me advice -or not- I could use some more. Yes, I have reached out a few times to him in the last couple of onths- by email only - haven't called him or over done it in any way. Even sent him a nice Bday card. He completely ignored each time. I finally got him to respond only once - and he said the reason he hasn't responded is becauseI make HIM feel badly when we communicate!!! Well the first problem with that is that we haven't communicated!!!- because like I said he never responded! He said he understands that I am hurt that the relationship is over - and he will take the blame for leading me on but didn't do it intentionally. His sister told me that she thinks he is probably afraid of getting hurt because his ex burned him bad I guess - cheated on him. Sounds like he heasnt been honest with his family about why we broke up either- according to sis. As I've said before we had a great relationship and Im having such a hard time letting go or moving on without answers. Also - another thing that really bothers me is why he can't talk to me on "any level"??? He not only ended a great relationship but doesn't even want to talk to me again?? - even as a friend?? Makes no sense to me - we used to talk about anything & everthing! I know his Dad is really ill as well - and that may be causing more stress for him. I basically told him I am still giving him space and time - and taking it for myself- have to I guess - I still love him! No response to that either. I really do believe he loved me and just still dont understand - but its kind of getting old felling like I can't let go - and am still heartbroken after 3 1/2 months. Any advice this time??
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #17  February 15,2010, 3:30pm
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All you can do is to move on, wish him the best, remember the good times, and move on. It's tough to do.

The problem is that it takes two people to be in a relationship. Not just one.

You note that you are having such a hard time moving on without answers... his silence is a answer of sorts.

And they say that exercise can actually reduce the feelings of heartbreak. You know, that physical sensation of pain... they say to exercise a hour a day, and that will get rid of that feeling. Plus it has other benefits too.
 
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Tim1982 is offline Tim1982 Post #18  September 7,2011, 4:15pm
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too long looking for a girlfriend.

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There are times I have spent heartbroken. Ever since a girl I was supposed to be dating disappeared on me nearly 8 years ago I have been feeling it's impossible to find a girlfriend. I have been jealous of other people and I am pushing to find a girlfriend.
 
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nancymargritangelita is offline nancymargritangelita Post #19  September 7,2011, 4:29pm
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Before amyone else replies to this, this thread was started in October 2009. Sorry Tim - there are things that you can learn from every thread even now - if it applies to what's happening to you right now. I just don't want people giving the OP advice and then find out she's not coming back to take it.
 
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