Is there any interest on his part at all?


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hopefuloct2009 is offline hopefuloct2009 Post #1  October 23,2009, 5:11pm
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Would you please tell me your take on this?

How would a single, unattached, middle-aged guy act around a girl he may be interested in?

This particular guy was at a few events earlier in the year, and I messaged him on a social site to let him know I thought he did a fabulous job performing with his band and to add me as a friend if he felt led to do so. He wrote back, thanking me and asking me to say hello when I saw him next, but he chose not to add me as a friend. I did comment to him in person at the next event I saw him at as I was leaving, and he thanked me, but that was it.

I've seen this same guy at three events recently. He seems to make an effort for me to notice him, and he gets closer to my general vicinity each time, but he does not come up to speak to me. We seemed to have a lot of eye contact at the last event, but I did not know what to make of it.

Am I just imagining interest, is he just shy (Is it possible for a guy this age to be shy?), or is he uncomfortable because I messaged him and keep showing up at events he has a part in? I do not go to these events JUST to see him, but it IS nice to see him there. I'm interested in him but feel STUCK, and don't know if I should contact him or say hi next time I see him.

Any thoughts?

I've not dated before, as I my ex husband and I met as kids, so I truly don't know what to think.
 
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kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #2  October 25,2009, 7:14pm
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Shyness has no age limit.

That being said, if he performs with a band in public settings, he must have some ability to overcome shyness. Doesn't sound to me like shyness is the main issue.

There are a million and one reasons why he might be acting like he is. He may think you're a cute little groupie and enjoy the attention, but not have any serious interest.
He might be in a relationship already that he doesn't want to get out of, but is keeping you in mind as a backup just in case.
He may have no interest but because your interest is so obvious he tries to be nice to avoid hurting your feelings.
He may have baggage from a past relationship that makes him hesitent to start anything serious.
He may be a secret agent on a classified assignment, and is protecting you from assassination by pretending to not be interested.

The truth is, the more believable possibilities all involve him not really being all that interested. If he won't even 'add you as a friend' on a social site, that goes beyond shyness (you don't even have to interact with a person to do that.)

I suggest that next time you see him at a social event, wave and smile then turn your back on him and flirt with other guys. I don't suggest this as a way to manipulate or 'trick' him into showing interest - I'm suggesting you really do forget him and focus on other guys, because I don't think there's much chance he's into you.
 
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shirlp is offline shirlp Post #3  October 25,2009, 7:59pm
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so here's a situation, i go to church the same place the this man goes to church. there are some obvious things that have taken place with him at church that show he is interested. however i am scared to death of trying to talk to him because i have not dated for so long. he came and sat beside me,but did not say anything, and because i did not know what to say to him i just stood there for a minute or two and then went and talked to someone else. i did not mean to hurt him or give him a cold shoulder, what could or should i do?
 
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hopefuloct2009 is offline hopefuloct2009 Post #4  October 26,2009, 5:25am
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Thank you for your response, Kevin 76. I really needed someone else's thoughts on this guy's behavior.

You're funny with, "He may be a secret agent on a classified assignment, and is protecting you from assassination by pretending to not be interested. "

Any suggestions on what to do for ME to get over my shyness in general? What is appropriate behavior for a woman who is interested in someone...how would she approach him...should the woman even be the one to approach a man, or should he be the one to show interest? Dating is a foreign concept to me...I know I can't just sit and wait for my whole life for a guy to just drop into my life, but I don't know what I need to do on my part!

I've been a paid member on e-harmony in the past, and now I'm on some free time. I sent questions to ALL of my recent matches several days ago and have received NO response at all.
 
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kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #5  October 26,2009, 7:48am
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First, spend some time browsing the threads on this message board. You'll find all kinds of suggestions / examples / discussions about shyness and who should initiate what. And most of them won't agree with each other. But you may come across some ideas that are helpful.

I think a shy woman has a better chance in the dating world than a shy man. All you have to do is be there, and sooner or later men will be interested. So just keep getting out there and making eye contact, and maybe throw in a shy smile now and then.

If you meet a many you're really interested in and don't want to just leave it up to him, just make an effort to talk to him then follow his lead. What you did with this guy would be quite enough with any man who really is interested, you gave him more than enough opportunity.

As a shy woman you probably won't end up with a shy man, but there are plenty of men out there who are not shy and will be happy to initiate romance with a sweet, shy lady. So don't give up hope!

**Edit
And don't worry too much about not getting responses from EHarmony matches - they are probably non-paying members who are not allowed to respond. That's the most frustrating part of the EHarmony system and the main reason I let my membership expire.
 
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TiffanyDiamond is offline TiffanyDiamond Post #6  October 26,2009, 10:41am
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kevin76 wrote :
Shyness has no age limit.


The truth is, the more believable possibilities all involve him not really being all that interested. If he won't even 'add you as a friend' on a social site, that goes beyond shyness (you don't even have to interact with a person to do that.)

To me if he is shy that would give him more reason to respond to you since you are making the overtures - then he only has to respond. I don't think it's shyness at all. I've been there. There is a guy that I really like and we have gone out for drinks a few times - not dates. He suggested that we "do something" one weekend but didn't follow throught. We went out for drinks again a few weeks later and he talked about "doing something" over the weekend. I waited a few days and when Friday arrived I called to see if he still wanted to "do something" over the weekend. He seemed really happy to hear from me and said he needed to check to see what was going on with him for the weekend and asked that I call him Saturday when I was done with what I had to do. I called, was looking forward to "doing something" and got voice mail. He did not return my call. I got an e-mail from him a few weeks later and he acted like nothing had happened and kept up the little flirtation. I don't have time for that. I say don't waste your time making any more moves toward trying to hook up with this guy. If he's interested - he will let you know. I think it was brave what you did. Don't let him discourage you. Believe me it was a huge move for me calling this guy to try to set up some plans for the weekend. I am worthy of someone who is really interested.

I suggest that next time you see him at a social event, wave and smile then turn your back on him and flirt with other guys. I don't suggest this as a way to manipulate or 'trick' him into showing interest - I'm suggesting you really do forget him and focus on other guys, because I don't think there's much chance he's into you.

All great ideas - wave, smile and keep moving. Also focus on someone who really does show interest.
 
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TiffanyDiamond is offline TiffanyDiamond Post #7  October 26,2009, 10:45am
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shirlp wrote :
so here's a situation, i go to church the same place the this man goes to church. there are some obvious things that have taken place with him at church that show he is interested. however i am scared to death of trying to talk to him because i have not dated for so long. he came and sat beside me,but did not say anything, and because i did not know what to say to him i just stood there for a minute or two and then went and talked to someone else. i did not mean to hurt him or give him a cold shoulder, what could or should i do?
You can start with a simple "good morning." Nothing outrageous about that - totally innocent.
 
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TiffanyDiamond is offline TiffanyDiamond Post #8  October 26,2009, 10:49am
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kevin76 wrote :
**Edit
And don't worry too much about not getting responses from EHarmony matches - they are probably non-paying members who are not allowed to respond. That's the most frustrating part of the EHarmony system and the main reason I let my membership expire.


So clear something up for me please. I have used these online dating sites before and have never had one bit of luck. I decided to take advantage of the free communication weekend to see what would happen. I went through all of the communication with a match to the point where it says to read message from Dr. Warren - which I did. I am not a paying member so does that mean that no further communication will be allowed between myself and this "match?"
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #9  October 26,2009, 10:52am
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Interest is a two way street. For the most part, when a man is truly interested in you, he will pursue. If he is extremely shy and you initiate the conversation and open the door for him, again if he is interested, he will pick up on that and respond. If someone is being lukewarm at best, it's time to move on to greener pastures. To put it another way, if you keep pitching the ball but he does not return it or only does so sporadically, he is not interested in playing ball with you.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #10  October 26,2009, 10:54am
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TiffanyDiamond wrote :

So clear something up for me please. I have used these online dating sites before and have never had one bit of luck. I decided to take advantage of the free communication weekend to see what would happen. I went through all of the communication with a match to the point where it says to read message from Dr. Warren - which I did. I am not a paying member so does that mean that no further communication will be allowed between myself and this "match?"
During the free weekend communications you can communicate fully with your matches, including open communication. If it happens to be your turn to start that, then you have to do so, otherwise your match can't do anything more than wait for you to write the first e-mail. It's a turn based system.
 
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