Honest men's opinions, please. A little lengthy, sorry...


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Wantsomeromance is offline Wantsomeromance Post #1  October 19,2009, 1:20pm
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Is timing everything...

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Was good friends with a guy for some time. He's 37, I'm 42. We joked, laughed, had deep conversations about past relationships, flirted big-time & I eventually fell in love with him. I told him. Big mistake. Literally 2 weeks later, he tells me he's talking to his old girlfriend (who btw, he had told me in one of our deep conversations that he's not in love w/her but that "she's probably the closest he's been" since his first love when he was in his early 20's and got his heart totally broken). He had been w/the woman he's now with, on & off for a couple of years & all of sudden, w/no mention of it in our conversations, decides to get back w/her right after I tell him I'm in love with him. Did I scare the crap out of him? They're still together a year & a 1/2 later, although he still flirts with me constantly. He told me recently that it's hard for him not to touch me when he's around me & says if his situation were different he'd be w/me. Helped him w/a huge ongoing project recently & last week he told me that I'm "the best & he doesn't know what he'd do w/o me". Okay~guess I should mention that I wasn't available when I fell in love with him, but I am now & have been for about 4 months. However they moved in together 6 months ago. (Flirting has gotten way deeper & more intense in the past 3 months, btw.) Anyway, we're still great friends & I haven't been able to let go of my feelings for him~they're as strong as ever. I'm sure he knows it because I made them really clear for a long time & still continue to flirt w/him & be there for him whenever he needs me, just as he is for me most of the time. Asked him recently what was honestly stopping him from being with me if he's not in love w/her & his words were: "I'm trying to do the right thing." I told him I want him to be happy & I just hope you're doing the right thing for you, not everyone else & that I hope she makes you happy. His words were, "she's nice, she's my age & she'd do anything for me". I don't know about most women, but I sure would want way better adjectives to describe me than that.
Is the timing just always wrong? When he was available I wasn't & now I'm available & he's not. Is he just using her as an excuse & he's not at all interested in me & he's just too cowardly to admit it? This is so hard. I'm glad we're able to be friends, but being around the 2 of them is so hard. And I know, I should feel guilty about flirting w/him when I know they're together, but these feelings came when they weren't together & I can't make them go away & I love the attention he gives me when we flirt.Guess I should be thinking he's a dog too because we've been doing more intense flirting since just 2 months after she moved in. And because if he isn't really into me, he's messing with my feelings & my heart really bad cause he knows I love him.
He confuses me so much.
Need some men's insight on this, please. What are men thinking, really? I don't understand them.Certainly not this one.
Thanks!
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  October 19,2009, 3:15pm
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I have been known to flirt with women who are “safe” – what makes them safe is there is no possibility of moving beyond flirting due to incompatibility or unavailability. It sounds like your situation had been in various forms of that, while you knew each other.

Telling someone “how you could be good together” could be an innocent compliment (it is not a good compliment, but I can see that being the intent.)

I eventually fell in love with him. I told him. Big mistake. Literally 2 weeks later, he tells me he's talking to his old girlfriend
[B]
 
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Wantsomeromance is offline Wantsomeromance Post #3  October 19,2009, 3:29pm
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Is timing everything...

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Wow~thanks for the detailed response. I really appreciate it. You've made a lot of sense.
Only feel like I need to clarify 1 thing, I didn't fall in love w/him just due to flirting. We had a very close friendship. He knows everything about me because he's so easy to talk to. He knows more about me than anyone, aside from my best girlfriend. And he's talked in depth w/me too about some of his deep stuff & past relationships. He's warm, sensitive, attentive, sweet, caring, he's there for me when I need a friend. He's the first person I wanna go to when something really huge happens. It wasn't just from flirting, believe me. (:
But again, thanks so much for such an informative response.
I'm gonna' have to come back & hit you up more often. (;
P.S.-I actually just joined eHarmony, so I am definitely cultivating other possibilities. Oh, and I had a date last week, my first one in 26 years. (Was married to my highschool sweetheart until recently.) Date went well, but I think I just made a new friend, as we didn't really hit it off in a romantic way. BTW~my friend I'm in love with seemed somewhat "interested" that I had a date. Hmmmm-still confuses me daily. lol
 
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Wantsomeromance is offline Wantsomeromance Post #4  October 19,2009, 3:34pm
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Is timing everything...

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Btw D_Lion~I have no desire to wring your neck. LOL
 
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JustbecauseIlikeIt is offline JustbecauseIlikeIt Post #5  October 19,2009, 3:57pm
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I'm not a man, but I think you need a females opinion on this one .

Honestly, he's totally using you, and it sounds like that's what he does. While it is good to be able to flirt with someone till Mr. Right comes along, because of your feelings for him and his desire to use them for his own ego, he is not a safe candidate. He lives with someone, told you it was because she's "his age", total slight on you. Him saying that it's because she does everything for him, means he's with her because he can use her. Just like he holds onto you because you will allow him to live with someone else and flirt with you, completely disregarding your feelings or hers.

Yes, he probably is everything you ever wanted, so it seems. Men who use women make an art out of being just that, everything you ever wanted; and all you've got to do is ignore your need to be loved and respected to get it. You told him you loved him, it didn't scare him, it was his cue that he could now move her in and slowly get you back to where he wanted you. Sounds horrible, it is.

You deserve better.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #6  October 19,2009, 4:02pm

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Wantsomeromance wrote :
Btw D_Lion~I have no desire to wring your neck. LOL
not yet, anyway.
 
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JustbecauseIlikeIt is offline JustbecauseIlikeIt Post #7  October 19,2009, 4:06pm
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[quote=D_Lion;773823]I have been known to flirt with women who are “safe” – what makes them safe is there is no possibility of moving beyond flirting due to incompatibility or unavailability. It sounds like your situation had been in various forms of that, while you knew each other.

Telling someone “how you could be good together” could be an innocent compliment (it is not a good compliment, but I can see that being the intent.)

I eventually fell in love with him. I told him. Big mistake. Literally 2 weeks later, he tells me he's talking to his old girlfriend
[B]
 
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Wantsomeromance is offline Wantsomeromance Post #8  October 19,2009, 4:37pm
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Is timing everything...

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Thanks, justbecauseilikeit. You also make a lot of sense. Hate to think such a good friend is using me. ):
LOL Scarlet13
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #9  October 19,2009, 4:39pm
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JustbecauseIlikeIt wrote :
Honestly, he's totally using you, and it sounds like that's what he does. While it is good to be able to flirt with someone till Mr. Right comes along, because of your feelings for him and his desire to use them for his own ego, he is not a safe candidate.

This post suggests baggage and bitterness.

When I flirt with somebody, it is for mutual enjoyment, nothing more, and nothing less. If I am “using her,” then she is “using me” too.

When I flirt with someone, it is not “disregard for her feelings,” it is acknowledgement of them.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #10  October 19,2009, 4:46pm
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Wantsomeromance wrote :
I didn't fall in love w/him just due to flirting. We had a very close friendship. He knows everything about me because he's so easy to talk to. He knows more about me than anyone, aside from my best girlfriend. And he's talked in depth w/me too about some of his deep stuff & past relationships.

I’ve hit on this theme often here: I do not think being in love with someone – at least romantic love – is appropriate until one has spent time in a healthy romantic relationship with the person.

I disagree with the wisdom of becoming in love across the internet, prior to meeting, with unavailable or inappropriate people, etc.

As I see it, you took what may well have been a good, close friendship and developed feelings you shouldn’t have. He, correctly, did not. I realize feelings happen unbidden, but I think it’s best to keep them better under control. I may share many personal things with friends I trust and respect, but that does not cause me to pine for them, as would be reasonable for a lover.

Regardless, the path forward is the same: to see others.
 
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