What the heck is this?? I really got hurt....


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chrysalis08 is offline chrysalis08 Post #1  October 16,2009, 5:58pm
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Ok, I'm new to the online dating protocol, and obviously naive and about a year out of a very long term (11 year) relationship that ended in infidelity (his), so I guess this should be a lesson learned, but I'm REALLY hurt by what I just experienced from an EH match....

It starts with a match in June, a couple of emails, a meet for coffee (very attracted to eachother). Then an email from him the next day, very nice asking to get to know me more. This progresses to more dates, very nice, and he appears to be a very warm, tender man. I am SMITTEN!!! This goes on for two months (mostly by text between dates, which was very new to me and NOT a way to get any sense of intimacy....). But very attentive on dates, and we end up going away for a weekend together only two weeks ago. Had a beautiful time together, what I thought was a very special thing starting. He talks of how he met others on EH for the past year, no real connections felt. But with me, it really does it for him. He talks of the things we both want that are the same. He talks of wanting to marry again, wanting to share anything and everything with someone. We return, minimal contact from him, just the odd two or three word texts. Never responds to the I miss you i send to him. I'm a little hurt, and a day we planned together gets a bit awkward but not unpleasant. (Yes, I told him how I felt, but in a very reasonable and calm manner)

Several days go by, no contact from him, unless I text first (his choice of communication, not mine). Then I ask if there is an issue between us...... he tells me no, but I'm making him think, making him ASSESS the relationship. Then no contact. I wait for contact.... Well, two days later now this man sends an email - yes, an EMAIL!!!! Tells me that my questioning the relationship and reading things that aren't there creates problems and miscommunications, and the he feels he has to say goodbye!! What the heck????????? Then, won't even take a phone call to talk in person. So thats it. I'm left hanging here with my heart in my hands. Not even a goodbye in person, after spending all this time growing something special ... or so I thought....

I feel like someone has just kicked me straight in the stomach...... He does this in an email???? Yes, we were physical, and yes it seemed to me that it was meaningful for both of us. How could I be so stupid?????????? Then I see he was on the site again straight away. I guess there are so many choices, what's a man to do, right????? Someone please tell me what to make of this, other than I met someone, I took time to know them, trusted them and got treated like a number from a list of matches.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  October 16,2009, 6:05pm
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You met someone with very different communication styles, which neither of you address sufficiently, and then found that “what you had together” wasn’t enough.
I think this is a case of write it up as experience and move on.

I don't think either of you were wrong for discussing a future in abstract, but if he was abstract and you were personal, then you weren't communicating.
 
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chrysalis08 is offline chrysalis08 Post #3  October 16,2009, 6:16pm
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You're right, obviously we weren't communicating or I would have a better understanding of where things stood between us. But communication styles being different still shouldn't mean that asking if there's a problem (one time!) warrants an immediate end. I guess the truth is that it means I invested a lot more of myself into it than he did. I don't like feeling that asking if there is an issue (and therefore wanting to open communication between us), makes me to blame for the end - which is what he said in the email. What a terrible thing to do to someone.
 
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yoga_gal is offline yoga_gal Post #4  October 16,2009, 6:21pm
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It sounds like to me that he was talking about the possiblity of a future with SOMEONE and you thought he meant more specifically with you. I am really sorry this happened but maybe it is better to find this out early on. If you had waited to ask him about things you might have become more invested. I hope you can move on quickly. Best of luck!
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #5  October 16,2009, 6:29pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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I think what happened to you is the risk we all take in getting involved with someone. The risk that they'll turn out to be a schmuck. From what you've written it doesn't sound like you did anything 'wrong'....he just turned out to be a piece of carp.
 
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chrysalis08 is offline chrysalis08 Post #6  October 16,2009, 6:41pm
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Thanks.... I needed that. Yes, he turned out to be a piece of (did you say carp?? Yes, he did turn out to be a schmuck. I'm just stunned. I know it just happened, and I'm reeling from it still, but I keep going over what I thought was really meaningful for us both, and I'm astounded that I am so utterly blind. Really, I must be legally BLIND!!!!!

Man, it really hurts when the (obviously) foolish fantasy ends up being nothing at all - doesn't even warrant a personal explanation. Just a three sentence email, then wishes me the best in the future, etc.

God I write warmer letters at work. So Thank You for saying what you said - I needed that.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #7  October 16,2009, 6:52pm
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chrysalis08 wrote :
I guess the truth is that it means I invested a lot more of myself into it than he did.

Yes, this is how I intepreted it too.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  October 16,2009, 6:55pm
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Well as everyone knows I have no clue about anything. But from what I read in the OP I see PLAYER written all over this guy.

So when you went away for the weekend was that the first time for sex? He got what he was after then he moved on to his next conquest.
 
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nwdressgal is offline nwdressgal Post #9  October 16,2009, 7:05pm
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hello all new to site. I am a 41 year old woman who has never been married or had kids yet and just ended( well somewhat mutually) a 6and a half year relationship with a guy 4 years my junior. He was a mama's boy and a player. He kept telling me that he wanted to get married and have kids, but he later confessed that because he was so traumatized by his alcoholic fater and his mother putting him thru a divorce twicw with the same father, that he was afraid to get married. He was runnung at first in the right direction ( or so I thought) and then he hit the brick wall, fell back and went into neutral and he blamed it on me,not to mention the fact that I took alot from his family and in regards to some of his family members and their going ons.Boy I felt like the wind got kicked out of me because I really want to be married and have kids and I ended up wasting my time with this loser. Chalk this one up to being a lot more selective and not getting so physical in the relationship so fast. I have learned to ask more questions and set up healthy boundaries so to see if they are palying me or if they are serious. I t is all too fresh still as we broke up in July and come to fiond out he is already datind( I feel sorry for the poor female and what she is about to get into) he cheated on his last girlfriend and then he cheated on me. Lesson learned( through rtears) so hang in there,stay close to your friends and trust your gut feelings.: >
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #10  October 16,2009, 7:05pm
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Well as everyone knows I have no clue about anything. But from what I read in the OP I see PLAYER written all over this guy.

Who waited since June?! Why bother?

I think he got uncomfortable with too much emotional drama. I'll agree I think he handled it in a totally lame way, but that is where I see the root cause.
 
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