Am I jealous? Angry? Is he clueless? an alcoholic?


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mbb543 is offline mbb543 Post #1  October 5,2009, 6:28pm
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Hi group,

This is my first time here and I think the responses are thoughtful & genuine, so I'd like to ask your advice. I apologize that it's so long... I tried to keep it to the point.

I've been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years, and we moved in together after 7 months together. I thought he was the *one*, of course, and had never lived with anyone before. I'm 34, he's 35. We both go to grad school full-time, and we both work (me part-time, him full-time). We've been on the fast track it seems since we got together, and we both have goals to enter better career tracks, have children, and settle down (we've looked at rings).

His pros: he's NICE, he washes dishes, he rubs my feet, he drives me to work, he pays his bills on time, he's charming, he's a great conversationalist, and I love him.

His cons: He's a bit overly sensitive & defensive, he will drink every night if left to his own devices, he has problems following through on things he says he will do, he's stuck in his "glory days," he's less and less attentive in the relationship, and becoming more and more self-absorbed and depressed (I know this list is longer, but the cons are what we need to work on!)

Help!

So now that you have the background info, here's the story I need advice about. Tell me if you think my reactions are justified, and what you think is going on with him...

I have a younger friend who's beautiful, flirtatious, single, and highly compatible with my boyfriend. A month or so ago we went out with her, her boyfriend (who she's not serious about), and another couple. The WHOLE time, my boyfriend's energy was focused on her, and hers on him. They were building little structures in the middle of the table together. They hugged at the table. He kissed her on the shoulder...

I handled it well, I thought. I had a talk with him later that night and explained why I was upset. I didn't shout. I didn't go to bed angry. I got my point across... why couldn't he show me that level of affection? He cried & apologized.

Then, two weeks ago, we went out with her again, and a big group of friends. The evening went well. I stayed chill, even when she coyly says to me, "Can I take your man to go get a beer?" I sound bitter, but really it was nice that she asked. My boyfriend got wasted.

Forward a few hours, we're waiting on the bus. It gets within 10 feet of us, he bolts up off the bench and runs over to HER to tell her one last thing before we leave. I shouted twice for him, he ignored me, ran to her, and left me on the bus to ride home alone. Granted, he was drunk and disinhibited... but we had already talked about HER.

I get home first. He takes a taxi and comes home drunk and belligerent and almost falls out of his lawn chair when he comes into the back yard. I'm angrier now than when I left the bar. I toss my water at him (I'm not drunk, but a couple of beers makes me emotional--and I have a temper). He tosses his water at me. I throw my cup at the ground near his feet. He follows me into the house. Tells me I have no clue about his feelings about her. I get madder. I throw another glass at him, with the intention of breaking a window, not him. He throws a glass at me and gives me a cut so deep on my hand I needed stictches... it's still healing and I've lost range of motion in my fingers. It's the first time things have ever been physical between us or I with any man for that matter. Once I was bleeding, I realized it was not a good time to talk, and the fight ended. Remember, I get emotional when I drink... but I break things, not people.

He's dreadfully sorry the next day. He says he thinks alcohol is his problem, he needs help, he's sick... says this all would've never happened if alcohol wasn't involved. He goes to an AA meeting the next week. The week after (this week), suddenly he's fine and he doesn't need to go anymore.

What am I dealing with here? I already feel resentment toward him because of his lack of follow-through, it's hurting my trust in him, he knows this, he's becoming more depressed, I maintain that he needs professional help but I wonder if I'm being too hard on him... I have this big knot in my gut when the issue of marriage comes up. I have a budding career that could take me places in a years time, as does he. Should I give it the rest of the school year and see if he gets help, or at least sees a professional to determine if he needs help?

Thank you if you've read this all the way through. So far my girlfriends all empathize, but they all love us together, too, so I think it's hard for them to be objective.

Cheers~
mbb
Last edited by mbb543; October 5,2009 at 6:52pm.
 
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SoNotRight is offline SoNotRight Post #2  October 5,2009, 6:37pm
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WOW...get out now. What you described sounds incredibly disrespectful of him. And, the situation caused you to act in physically violent way which he also reciprocated. I don't see anything good to come of this...really I don't. How or why would things ever change if it's gotten this bad already?
 
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Dugl is offline Dugl Post #3  October 5,2009, 6:40pm
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Guys like this make dating younger women so much easier for guys my age.....as long as we don't tire of hearing the same story.
 
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mbb543 is offline mbb543 Post #4  October 5,2009, 6:43pm
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SoNotRight... thank you for your thoughts. I hope you're not right, and I really don't want to experience the moving out/break-up combo my girlfriends warned me about before we moved in together... but I do not want to endure this struggle for the rest of my life.


Dugl.. so this is a familiar story? Well, I'm not looking to date anyone else. And if I did, they probably wouldn't ever hear this story. I rarely talk about my exes with my beau.
Last edited by mbb543; October 5,2009 at 6:59pm.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #5  October 6,2009, 6:10am
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Your relationship sounds like a pretty messed up co-dependency - this means both of you, not just him, who have a problem. You both need professional help.

Your temper and throwing things, whether or not you intend to harm someone else, is not a mentally healthy reaction to any type of stress no matter what the provocation.

Your boyfriend sounds like a functioning alcoholic who will eventually become non-functioning full blown alcoholic unless he gets help. In many respects you are both enabling and encouraging each other's issues and do desperately need professional help, not just as a couple but individually as well. I really can't emphasize this enough.

Unfortunately in situations like this, the best solution is actually to part company so that you don't continue to drag each other into a never ending downward spiral.

If you leave him, what are you affraid of? That you'll never find anyone else? You will, and you will be fine. Just get help for yourself, because you need it.

As for your BF and your friend flirting with him? You know....you do drunk what you would do sober, alcohol just gives a nice excuse for it and some liquid courage. In any case, he is flirting with her before he gets wasted and she is reciprocating and she is very conscious of the connection there - not exactly that great of a friend if you ask me. So on top of everything else, your drunken boy has a wondering eye - and you want to stay with him why? You can't force someone to be loyal to you - loyalty comes from within - it's either there or not.
 
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kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #6  October 6,2009, 7:15am
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Read some AA literature yourself, and some Al-Anon - he has admitted he has a problem, which is the first step, but he's not serious about getting himself sober yet and there's nothing you can do about that.

AA Big Book Chapter to Wives (or SO)

Al-Anon (For friends and families of alcoholics)

Also sounds like he has serious self-image problems, which contributes to the drinking and the flirting with other women.
That will continue. If you don't want to put up with it, your only option is to get out.
Last edited by kevin76; October 6,2009 at 7:20am. Reason: added links, and afterthought
 
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Dugl is offline Dugl Post #7  October 6,2009, 2:16pm
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mbb543 wrote :
Dugl.. so this is a familiar story? Well, I'm not looking to date anyone else. And if I did, they probably wouldn't ever hear this story. I rarely talk about my exes with my beau.
I've heard numerous variations of the same theme...and you are wise not to talk about exes with a current partner. That's why they're called exes rather than "2nd thoughts".
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #8  October 6,2009, 2:58pm
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It is typical of people with addiction issues to promise to do better and then not follow through on it. The "I don't really have a problem" or "I can do it on my own" scenario is common. Few make it out without help.

Unless this is how you want to live, you need some distance and you need a living situation that doesn't put you in the position of being subject to this man's bad bahavior. You can't change him. Love can't change him. Making him see clearly can't change him. His desire to change (with or without you) is the only thing that can change him. Nothing in your post indicates that he has a desire to change. He simply has a desire not to lose you, which isn't enough.

Pay attention to what people do, not what they say, and choose the ones to populate your life based on them consistently saying what they mean and doing what they say.

Best of luck.
 
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OverAnalyzer is offline OverAnalyzer Post #9  October 6,2009, 3:07pm
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If you don't want to hear blunt and harsh skip this response.

You admit you have a temper but seem to use it as an excuse to throw things. You stated the fight stopped after you started bleeding. Well, how much farther would it have gone? Probably a lucky thing you saw red, no intended pun.

You threw the first glass and then threw match for match. You admit you have anger issues - or you do when you drink - but drink anyway, but expect your bf to stop. What about you?

It sounds to me like he is agonizing over a decision he doesn't want to tell you about. He's not happy. You make him feel guilty, ashamed, emasculated. You have made this all about him and take no responsibility at all. Shame on you. Is it possible he is acting out because of you?

You also stated he is "highly compatible" with your younger friend. Is that why you are so angry? What if he would rather be with her and she with him? Don't bother asking him because he won't respond truthfully. But...you can't help who you love.

IMNSHO the best thing for you both to do is separate and get your own lives back together without the drinking. Meet up again in 6 months for lunch - when you are both stronger - and see how you feel and compare your outlook on life. Right now it doesn't sound like either of you is any good for the other, drinking or not.
 
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mbb543 is offline mbb543 Post #10  October 6,2009, 5:25pm
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If you want the short version of my response, refer to post #11 (the next one).

I want to say first thank you all for giving this post your time...

Dancing fool -- My behavior of throwing and breaking things began when I was 16. It started as a reaction to my alcoholic mother who would often frustrate me because I felt like she wasn't listening to or acknowledging me. I realize many readers are going to recognize that because I am an adult child of an alcoholic, then I've probably gotten myself into the same emotional situation I grew up with in order to work through these problems as an adult... a codependent situation. And I realize we both need help.

Let me also say this -- I am not an alcoholic. I was not drunk during this fight. Drinking any alcohol at all will make me emotional for sometimes the next 24 hours. And I know that my reactions when I am angry are not healthy, and I don't just have these reactions when I'm drinking. Rarely do I actually start throwing things... maybe I did it because I knew he was hammered and wouldn't get the point otherwise... instead he escalated right along with me. As I explained, the first serious discussion we had about her, we'll call her Jenny, I made a real effort to control my anger. My outburst was my reaction of both jealousy and feeling like I hadn't been heard the first time.

Back to your response, Dancing Fool, no, I'm not afraid I wouldn't find someone else. I have dated a lot of people in my lifetime. I really thought (and he does, too) that we were meant to be together. As for his relationship with Jenny, it's not that he actively tries to start the flirtation with her. She flirts with everyone, so I don't take it personally from her... it's just his reaction to her that I get jealous about.

Kevin76 -- I've actually already been researching the AA and Alanon sites, but these links will be helpful. As for his self-image problem, you're probably right. His insecurity can be a barrier to constructive communication. Couple that with my temper, and well, you can see we often don't get anywhere. It's only when I approach him in a calm manner that we actually hear & understand each other... but then there's his issue with following through... and then I don't feel heard... and the cycle continues.

It also is my belief that alcohol spiritually stunts an individual. I am a spiritual person, and my level of frustration with our inability to grow as spiritual beings within this relationship because of the alcohol is obviously pretty high.

Dugl -- Ha ha.

littlebluemonkeymind -- You give very wise, compassionate advice. And I always say to him that it's what he does, not what he says, that is most important. Unfortunately, I find myself saying that a lot.

OverAnalyzer -- Of course with an introduction like that, I can't NOT read it. So here's my blunt and harsh response. Just kidding. Even though I get really angry sometimes, it's probably because I don't stick up for myself enough and so I just explode.

I like that you play devil's advocate, but I felt like you were making some assumptions... or maybe overanalyzing just a bit . Again, I am not an alcoholic. I have enough alcoholics in my life (both in my family and subconsciously in the friends I choose) to know the difference. My boyfriend and I have had discussions about his drinking and I've agreed to stop if he stops, although he has said he doesn't want me to stop just for him. To me it would be a lifestyle decision and a message of support to all of the drinkers in my life.

I had no idea he had a problem until we moved in together... and then as you can imagine I was saddened, frustrated, confused. But it wasn't just his problem, it became my problem when I realized the effect it was having on our day-to-day communication and my deeper and initially below-the-surface emotional reactions to being ignored by someone who was consistently "buzzed." I saw this early, would have nightmares about our fights escalating, and now they have.

As far as I know, and I've never lived with anyone else so I could be wrong, I've never dated anyone with a drinking problem. Normally I would avoid it like the plague. My mom is still an alcoholic, and so it's a scenario I don't want to live with. I also have a recovering alcoholic in my family, and so I know it's possible to make amends and have a good life after recovery... ugh, I just never wanted this situation to follow me into adulthood. Karma.

As for my temper, I'm not making excuses for it by any stretch. I know this is an issue. And it wasn't just the bleeding that ended the fight. It was the realization that we weren't going to get anywhere because he was so intoxicated.

What decision is he agonizing about and how exactly am I emasculating him? As for the shame on me part, I really don't know how to respond to that. I have enough on my plate that I don't need to shame my self.

The "highly compatible" part was meant to emphasize that she's available and they get along on many levels. I also think I am compatible with him and that he is loyal. If he weren't I'd be gone. Right now it's just that I think he doesn't know how to "check" himself. That's why I wonder if he's just innocently clueless... and he's usually intoxicated when this happens. I have always thought I'd like my partner to grow up to be one of those sweet, smiley old men who flirt with women to make them feel special. I think that is my boyfriend. He just has to remember that I'm first, and sometimes I think he forgets that.

In conclusion, I think those of you who have nailed this as a codependency situation are right. A friend of mine who is a drug & alcohol counselor has suggested I look into this. So I think I already have an answer to how to handle my own issue. I guess I came here to get some justification for feeling jealous about his behavior more than anything. I wanted to be "heard," so thank you for hearing me. I know my reaction was overboard... but was I right to be upset? I think what I'm hearing is that I was.

As to the question of whether or not he's an alcoholic, I certainly think a lot of the signs are there. Our initial agreement was that we were only going to drink socially, and not keep alcohol in the house. If he wanted to keep it in the house, he needed to be professionally evaluated first. I wasn't sure he was an alcoholic yet, I just didn't want him drinking every night in the house & if he felt the need to then I needed to be sure he wasn't one. When he broke down after our fight and said he was sick & needed help & that he felt alcohol was the cause of that awful fight, then I started saying that he needed to get help, bottom line. I also realize I need help because of my past and present issues with saying what I need to say in a constructive way.

As to the many suggestions that we should separate... good luck getting two codependents to split up! Ha ha. I joke. I would do it if I felt I needed to. I have a time line in mind and won't stay in this any longer if I think it's not better by then. It's interesting that none of my friends have ever made this suggestion, but he and I are both so busy that we honestly don't have any friends in our lives who really know us as a couple. The speed and intensity of our individual lives, while also trying to juggle a relationship, has made this our reality.

I think the dynamics of our life are such that we have NO time to pick up and move house right now, with both of us working & school in very demanding programs, two cats, and a dog. I also don't have time to have a rocky and drama-filled personal life, especially when I'm in a career that requires me to be caring, objective, and focused. That said , I think therapy is a great idea, and right now he's committed to seeing a counselor this week or next. We'll see if he follows through. And I'm next. But I think the knot in my gut has a reason for being there, and we'll see where we are by the end of this year.

Thank you everybody.
Last edited by mbb543; October 6,2009 at 8:41pm. Reason: added the short version option
 
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