horseydays is offline horseydays Post #1  October 2,2009, 9:19am
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Hi I a 28 yr old gal that has had cancer once and am currently under going testing for 2 other forms of cancer, I also live with a good deal of pain in my life. I however am always upbeat and don't let these things get me down and even joke about them. However I've had this be the down fall of more than one relationship in the past and the end of getting to know some guys before we even made it anywhere. While I don't want to be alone I can't help but wonder if its ok for me to want to ask someone to come into my life when there is so much involved. I have been writing a couple of guys for awhile now and find myself thinking more and more about when and how to tell them about my health problems and if there is a way that I can tell them without completely scaring them off. I would greatly appreciate any advice!
 
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whatalife1683 is offline whatalife1683 Post #2  October 2,2009, 10:06am
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If you have been talking to these guys for awhile, then you should be upfront with them and see what happens. People will react differently to each situation. Cancer is a big issue, and I had it when I was an infant. However, I do have health issues now. My issues are diabetes, high blood pressure, and I am in a wheelchair. The thing is most people I tell have no problem. Even though I have these problems, I look at it as not my fault. I got all of these as a kid or baby. Yes, I was a teenage with high blood pressure. When I told people these things, they would say you could have said earlier. I say well I am not comfortable, and I do not like pity (hence why I do the online dating first instead of offline). If these guys like you, then they should be understanding with your situation. However, you can move on if it was not meant to be. The thing with my health issues is they are not life threatening if under control. I keep my health in good shape. For cancer, people assume you are going to die soon. You need to say what is going on and try to reaasure them you will be fine. Let them know there are times you are in pain and what not. I never tell my issues until I feel the time is right, and if you feel it is right to tell them then do so. Also, it is not being dishonest by not telling them right away. However, the longest I have gone without telling someone is a week. It is when you are comfortable and ready to tell them.
 
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smiles24 is offline smiles24 Post #3  October 2,2009, 10:40am
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As long as you feel that you are comfortably making a connection with someone, you should gently ease into any explanation with a confident prose. Try it out and if you think you are able to at least partially predict the type of response you might receive, go abit further next time. But don't blindly throw it out at them with expectations. Ease into admission by connecting it to something you've previously joked about, show that even though it changes your life physically, it doesn't change the person you are. Don't stress over the reply you may receive either, if they cannot treat you the same, be glad you found that out when you did before getting yourself more emotionally involved. Many people have their own secrets to tell, but are shy about imposing pressure, live your life w/out judging others and be sure of your own values. ~good luck w/result~
 
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zal is offline zal Post #4  October 2,2009, 11:48am
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Hi Horsey and welcome to eha,

I can speak from the viewpoint of someone who was married to someone with chronic health issues. I'll preface that you are ahead of the game by refusing to let yourself be defined by your health condition. Kudos for that!

When I first started dating my late wife she told me she had a secret that scared men away so she wouldn't tell me what it was until we got to no each other better. For whatever reason I didn't push her (though I did verify that she was std free). Turned out she was an organ transplant patient and suffered lots of illnesses due to a compromised immune system. She disclosed it about 2 months into the relationship. We were together for 9 years (until she died) and it was an amazing relationship.

Unfortunately many (if not the majority) of men will not invest in a relationship with a chronically ill person, but there are those of us who are open to it. The catch 22 is you can't know who will stay and who will go until you disclose. Disclose too soon and many will leave before they find out what a wonderful person you are. Choose not to disclose and you risk getting invested in someone who then freaks out and leaves. My view is that you stand a much better chance of waiting until you feel comfortable enough to share the information. 2 reasons: It will seem less of a deal breaker after the guy has gotten to know you and seen all of your positive qualities (especially that your cancer doesn't define your life) and you also will appear to have less "baggage" if you don't put so much importance on disclosing this "horrible" fact. There's absolutely no obligation for you to disclose health information that does not put your partner at risk until you trust him enough to tell him.

Good luck.
Last edited by zal; October 2,2009 at 11:49am. Reason: you may want to browse the threads, many have asked the same question.
 
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smiles24 is offline smiles24 Post #5  October 3,2009, 4:54am
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To Continu...

As well, you shouldn't always feel the need to analyze conversations looking for an opportunity to disclose personal details; be confident with who you are and allow yourself to be able to recognize when the timing is right.

...and listen to some music: www.947wave.com
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #6  October 3,2009, 9:17am
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My view is that any self-perceived deficiency should be disclosed only when it becomes relevant to a specific activity or individual.

This applies to health problems, unemployment, living with parents, a tattoo on your backside which says “I love Bob,” and whatever else you might have which causes you a hang-up but may or may not cause a hang-up for your partner.

I do not mind that people dump me for any real reason, but I would rather they not do so for an erroneous or misinformed assumption they might have about an inadequate disclosure.

It is better to communicate the issue in person, while having the opportunity to have a conversation about the implications.

Good post from Zal, above.
 
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Comedian is offline Comedian Post #7  October 3,2009, 9:33am
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D_Lion wrote :
My view is that any self-perceived deficiency should be disclosed only when it becomes relevant to a specific activity or individual.

This applies to health problems, unemployment, living with parents, a tattoo on your backside which says “I love Bob,” and whatever else you might have which causes you a hang-up but may or may not cause a hang-up for your partner.
I love this attitude and I am going to try to emphasize it in the future.

Too often I feel like I am misleading someone if I don't tell them about all my defects upfront!
 
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