Sticky situation with a guy who has a girlfriend. Help!


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flowerchild66 is offline flowerchild66 Post #11  September 29,2009, 3:00am
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wrote :
his girlfriend is self-harming and this often drags him down.
I'd drag my BF down too if he were "shamelessly flirting" with other girls. Why do you assume you're the first girl he's behaved like this with?

Also, I can't help but feeling your BFF is somehow complicit in this, as you said he was a part of your socializing with this other girl's BF and must have been a witness to the months of "shameful flirting" but never thought to mention that his roommate was very much taken. Why is it you only found out about the existence of this GF only 4 weeks ago? Bros before hos?

You already see how he operates, trying (really hard) to replace his current girl who is probably happily oblivious, when breaking up with a girlfriend who doesn't live with you is just a conversation away. This is self-serving behavior at best, which is not a great characteristic for a potential boyfriend.
 
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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #12  September 29,2009, 3:47am
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addison wrote :
This guy (I'll call him Nick), who is roommates with my best guy friend (I'll call him Mark), has flirted with me shamelessly ever since I met him back in June. Generally I'm oblivious to this kind of attention but it's gotten to the point where I can't ignore it anymore... and I'm starting to find myself highly attracted to him in return, to my surprise. We click very well in this indescribable way; there's definitely chemistry there and I think we both know it. The main problem here? He has a girlfriend, which I didn't know about until about four weeks ago when Nick mentioned her in passing. Mark says that Nick hasn't been happy in his relationship for quite some time; his girlfriend is self-harming and this often drags him down. After hearing all of this, I had decided to not act on anything. I do have morals after all.

However, this past Saturday when we ran into each other out at the bar Nick gave me his phone number and told me to call him so we could hang out sometime without having to make plans through Mark, since he was the reason we see each other as much as we do. I'm torn. Do I text/call him or do I let it go? Should I ask Nick why he's doing this when he's in a relationship or would that be too awkward?
If you really like him and have any hopes of possibly having a LTR with him, throw the number away....anything less would be building a relationship on dishonesty and someone else's pain.

Trust me...beginning a relationship this way..no matter how much chemistry you both have...will only lead to your own embarrassment and shame later. If you put yourself in his girlfriend's shoes you would not like it if this was done to you...no matter how much his friend says he is unhappy. If he is that unhappy, he will leave her, and then maybe you two can begin your journey.

Oh yeah...and stop the flirting too!...you are allowing him to emotionally have his cake and eat it too.

(Sorry so harsh....just advice from someone that's been in your shoes....take it for what it's worth...)

Wishing you well....
 
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addison is offline addison Post #13  September 29,2009, 7:43pm
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Thank you all for your input, I greatly appreciate it. I think in my gut I knew what the right answer was but it's just nice to hear it from people that don't know anyone involved. In a way it's more convincing to hear it from others than from myself, you know? So thanks again!

wrote :
If you really like him and have any hopes of possibly having a LTR with him, throw the number away....anything less would be building a relationship on dishonesty and someone else's pain.

Trust me...beginning a relationship this way..no matter how much chemistry you both have...will only lead to your own embarrassment and shame later. If you put yourself in his girlfriend's shoes you would not like it if this was done to you...no matter how much his friend says he is unhappy. If he is that unhappy, he will leave her, and then maybe you two can begin your journey.

Oh yeah...and stop the flirting too!...you are allowing him to emotionally have his cake and eat it too.

(Sorry so harsh....just advice from someone that's been in your shoes....take it for what it's worth...)

Wishing you well....
I agree completely with everything you said... however, I don't know how exactly to stop flirting with him when he won't leave me alone. I feel like I'd need to be like "hey, will you stop?" which would just make things more awkward than necessary. Does that make sense?
 
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CapnCrunch23 is offline CapnCrunch23 Post #14  September 29,2009, 7:58pm

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addison wrote :
, I don't know how exactly to stop flirting with him when he won't leave me alone. I feel like I'd need to be like "hey, will you stop?" which would just make things more awkward than necessary. Does that make sense?
4yr olds aren't the only ones who need to be told to go stand in the corner and take a time out! speak up for yourself. If you had a BF wouldn't you tell him to stop then.. no differnce here!
 
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EMTZ is offline EMTZ Post #15  September 29,2009, 8:16pm
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addison wrote :
I don't know how exactly to stop flirting with him when he won't leave me alone. I feel like I'd need to be like "hey, will you stop?" which would just make things more awkward than necessary. Does that make sense?
I have had even married coworkers ask me out, to which I simply say coldly, "I do not flirt or date anyone with an SO." If you are truly firm on not wanting to reciprocate his flirting, I am sure he will leave you alone. If he does not, do you really want to waste your time with such a loser who keeps hitting on a girl who does not reciprocate what he wants when he already has a girlfriend?

I am also pretty sure he will actually respect you more for not letting him have you settle for his bread crumb.
 
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EMTZ is offline EMTZ Post #16  September 29,2009, 8:24pm
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addison wrote :
Mark says that Nick hasn't been happy in his relationship for quite some time; his girlfriend is self-harming and this often drags him down.
Assuming this is true, did the girlfriend put a gun on Nick's head to stay with her?

Sorry to be blunt, but I can never have sympathy for people who keep complaining about their SO's to others. If an SO's behavior makes you unhappy, end the relationship. If somehow you decide that you will stay with him/her despite the things you dislike about him/her, then don't complain because of your own decisions to stay with that person.

To me only losers complain about others when it is the result of their own decisions.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is online now Wonderwoman402 Post #17  September 29,2009, 8:38pm
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Next time he flirts with you, pause and tell him "I'm confused. I thought you had a girlfriend." He'll either 'fess up about her, or make up a story. What he chooses to do will tell you a lot about his integrity.

If he 'fesses up, tell him you don't feel comfortable getting any closer to him knowing he's got a girlfriend. You can tell him to look you up when he's free, and *IF* you're still available at that time you'd be interested in seeing him. Don't sit around and wait for him, though.
 
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olneyjeeps is offline olneyjeeps Post #18  September 29,2009, 10:17pm
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EMTZ wrote :
Assuming this is true, did the girlfriend put a gun on Nick's head to stay with her?

Sorry to be blunt, but I can never have sympathy for people who keep complaining about their SO's to others. If an SO's behavior makes you unhappy, end the relationship. If somehow you decide that you will stay with him/her despite the things you dislike about him/her, then don't complain because of your own decisions to stay with that person.

To me only losers complain about others when it is the result of their own decisions.
AMEN
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #19  September 30,2009, 5:26am
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Maybe this is besides the point, but it's just a thought I have reading through this thread... it's been mentioned a few times here to suggest to him that if/when he's free he give you a look up at that time.

Hmm... that kinda-sorta seems like it would be overlooking his behaviors. The guy has a girlfriend. He's putting the moves on someone else, giving his number and suggesting a hang-out. Whether he's looking to line-up someone new before dumping who he's got, OR looking for something on the side is irrelevant, I'm sure his gf doesn't know about his flirting, or the suggestion to hang out, therefore, most people would consider it shady. I'd think??

So, what about that would remain as an attractive trait to want to consider dating him in the future if he became unattached??

I guess I'm too much along the line of thinking "If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you."

In the OP's shoes, his actions while already involved with someone else would turn me off completely to even the thought of getting involved with him in the future. Too man decent men in the world who wouldn't feel the need to act like this, than to choose on one who would.
 
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kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #20  September 30,2009, 7:06am
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addison wrote :
I agree completely with everything you said... however, I don't know how exactly to stop flirting with him when he won't leave me alone. I feel like I'd need to be like "hey, will you stop?" which would just make things more awkward than necessary. Does that make sense?
He's the one making it awkward, by acting like a stupid 3-year-old punk.
Look him in the eye and say "Quit cheating on your woman. If you're not happy, get rid of her. I won't be your mistress on the side."
If he finds that awkward or embarrassing, maybe it'll be enough to finally make him leave you alone.
 
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