Great match, how to keep this out of "friends" territory?


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centralnydude is offline centralnydude Post #1  September 20,2009, 5:51am
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I have a great match here on eharmony. She and I are both into music, in a huge way. She is a teacher and a performer, and I have been, but currently play on the side. I am really interested in what she is doing, and like talking about her day, and what is going on with her classes, since school just started.
The problem is, the conversation seems to stay in that one place. It is a great shared interest, one we both have extreme passion for. But, I'm trying to get her to reveal more of herself in other parts of her life, and its like pulling teeth. I get the feeling that we are headed down the road of "I like you as a friend, I love talking music with you, but there just isn't anything more to it." I have complimented her in a "more than friends" way, which she took, sort of. I realize how demanding the musical part of her life is. I've been there. But, how do I get her to stop "talking shop" long enough to talk about being more than friends here? I see a lot of potential, there have been hints at other things we have in common, but she doesn't seem to expand on them. How do I draw her out of her comfort zone? She is interested, having talked about future things (like our small distance between us and how big an issue it is), asked if I would like to call her sometime (but didn't give me her number..lol), but in general, the conversations tend towards being platonic friends with a big shared interest. How do I break out of this?
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #2  September 20,2009, 6:54am
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Set up a date! You are absolutely right - If you just keep talking about your interest it may devolve into "she likes you as a friend".

Also... Don't press for personal information - That will come in its time. Let her be comfortable and open up to you.
 
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centralnydude is offline centralnydude Post #3  September 20,2009, 7:58am
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I wish it were as easy as setting up a date. Her time is very occupied at the moment, and I realize that, coming from a similar background. The next 2-3 weeks for her will be very busy, as school is being set up, her new groups formed, and classes falling into a regular schedule. She might actually take a different job, depending on how her recent interview pans out. If we lived closer together, a less formal meeting might be possible, but with the hour and a half driving time between us, it takes more planning. She will make time for a long distance relationship, with the right person. She has already confided that she had dated someone 4 hours away before, so she is not letting the distance be a limiting factor. But, it might be a month before we meet in person.
I just need ideas to keep our email conversations fresh, and draw a bit away from the music, even though I do like talking about it. We are both percussionists (drummers...) so its not uncommon to get into very detailed emails about her work. But I want to make it clear that I am interested in her as more than a fellow musician. She talks very openly about music, her past in it, things like that. Its almost as if she doesn't have much of a life outside it, which is the part I'm interested in. I realize there isn't much opportunity for a lot outside her schedule, so I'm not expecting some sort of "superhero by night" story to come out of her. I'm just looking for other ideas to keep things on the right track until we can plan a date. Its been tough to draw her off that path, even though she has made it clear that she is interested in a relationship at several points.
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #4  September 20,2009, 8:43am
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The best thing to do is limit communications to about one to two per week (maybe three).

If you both understand why you are not meeting then just accept what you cannot change.
 
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centralnydude is offline centralnydude Post #5  September 20,2009, 4:21pm
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Its tough to keep the frequency down. But it generally is 3-4 times a week right now. She has a lot going on right now, and enjoys sharing it with me. Which is great. Honestly, I wish I was doing what she is doing right now in a way. I have a lot of respect for her. She just happened to get into the music school that I tried to and didn't. But that is one of the reasons I'm drawn to her. We share a huge common interest, and are both very passionate about it.
But there are other things. She and I both have large dogs, and are very much "dog people".
But its been tough to compliment her. She does have pictures posted, and I've made a compliment or two about them. But, I can't really think of other ways to keep her interest on a more than platonic level through email. Maybe I've just hit a block of some sort, I usually don't run into this problem. I'm probably getting too anxious for this to work out, and my brain is just plain freezing up. Normally I have the attitude of "if it works out, it works out" and try not to place too much on the outcome. This time is different though.
So besides cutting back on email frequency, how do you maintain a "I want to be more than friends" tone through email? I mean, at least until we get to meet. Maybe there isn't more than respect for her and our common interest. But I want the chance to find out, so I have to figure out how to keep the conversation in the right frame of mind.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  September 21,2009, 4:08am
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So.....you are really really really interested in her and want to know everything about her right now. She, on the other hand, is driving in a slower lane and is much more private. It will take her awhile to warm up to you and start sharing more about herself more naturally.

Here is the important part - when private people like that get pushed, they stick their toes in or just plain walk away, so don't do it. Relax and enjoy the current topics of conversation. You are both on a dating site because you are looking to find the right person, not because you want to become pen pals. Also, get her number and call her up - just ask for it and offer yours in return. However, when you do call her, resist that urge to fire away with a gazzillion questions - the last thing you want to do is sound like you are interrogating her. Relax, relax, relax go with the flow and have fun.
 
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centralnydude is offline centralnydude Post #7  September 21,2009, 7:00am
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I don't think I'm being pushy. She offers up a lot of information, and at least in the last email I finally got to hear a bit about her family, sisters, mother, etc. Which is great. It gives me something more to talk about than music.
You have to realize, being in a male dominated part of music (drums), she is used to talking to guys about it. As friends. I don't want her to push me into that realm, which is why I'm looking for other things to talk about with her, that she doesn't share with her guy drummer friends. Because if we just keep talking drums, I will end up in that same group. Just because we are on a dating site doesn't mean her feelings towards me will stay in that frame of mind. I've had matches turn into friends here before.

I actually don't want to know everything about her right now. It seems like I do, but I just want something else to switch up the conversation. I'd rather not share everything all at once. What would we talk about when we meet? That would be boring if we already knew everything about each other by then!
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #8  September 21,2009, 7:22am
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cnd,

"how do you maintain a "I want to be more than friends" tone through email?"

DON'T TRY! That way lies madness!

Why???? First, think of what you are trying to accomplish... You want to tread water until she is able to meet. You don't want to create a false sense of intimacy via email (real life can never match up).

Let her know (if you already haven't) in no uncertain terms that you are interested in a Real Life Meeting as soon as is convenient for the both of you.

Then, plan "maintenance dose" email speed. YOU can slow the communications down. Don't respond the same day you get an email. Wait a day. (This isn't "gaming" - you are trying to JUST MAINTAIN!)

------------------------------------------------

With an "in person" relationship, "friend zone" happens because you make yourself too available to the other person.
 
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JeanneJ is offline JeanneJ Post #9  May 29,2010, 1:44pm
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Sometimes a lack of personal information can be other things also and too much emailing. There is such a thing as an e-relationship. I had someone try that with me and he had stated he was looking for a long term partner. Some people aren't really looking for commitments, sometimes they like the thrill of someone being on the other end of the email or texts. When I told him his lack of being forthcoming with at least a little information so I could get to know him was a concern to me, he said he was a year out of a divorce and the divorce was nasty and awful and was not ready to share himself with anyone. It explained a lot.
Hopefully this isn't your case but be careful if it doesn't change soon.
 
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livinagin is offline livinagin Post #10  May 31,2010, 6:24am
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Don't try to make it something it isn't. I met a guy online about 10 months ago. We clicked instantly and there was never a lack of conversation. We were on the same level in many ways: our energy level was similar, our methods of communicating were similar, sense of humor, etc. If all that is there, you and she will know it. I think there is more to chemistry than just finding the other person attractive.

Also, I think you are building a mystery (in your mind). If you haven't even met this person yet, you have absolutely no reason to presume that you know her well enough to think that you will hit it off in person.
 
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