We both said "I love you", then things got weird! How to keep this train on the tracks?


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p56360 is offline p56360 Post #1  September 14,2009, 8:49am
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Hi, and thanks in advance for reading this post! Please don't respond unless you can relate to where I am coming from and have experience with a similar situation!

I met Amy in December 2008, about a month after I started dating another girl. Being someone who is not comfortable dating a number of girls at once, I chose not to stop seeing the other girl at the time. But Amy and I continued our friendship via ocassional phone calls and relatively frequent text messages for the next 7 months. From the very beginning, she expressed that she thought the two of us would be so compatible but I was involved with someone else so I just kept a healthy distance between us. But this past July, Amy sent me a particular message that made me laugh and the cumulative effect of all our conversations during the past year made me realize that she is someone who is just extremely special to me. I became fearful that if I continued to put off her requests to get together in person, she would go away eventually and I did not want to lose her. I therefore invited her over for dinner one evening. After a great dinner and long conversation things got physical.

Then it took me a month to have the courage to leave my girlfriend. Actually, I had left her emotionally back in May, but we were still going through the motions of a relationship. I was extremely afraid to leave this woman because I have seen what she does to her exes - legally, socially and physically - and honestly I hoped that just behaving badly would cause her to leave me, but when it did not I finally got the courage to leave a relationship that was not good for me at all. It was a great move, and I am not looking for any anyone to tell me I should have done things differently, I already know that.

So, a couple months pass and Amy and I continue to have great conversations, deep emotional connection, and lots of fun getting to know each other. The more I am around her, the more I see her beauty - the people who have this girl in their lives - coworkers, friends, family, me - well let me just say the world is a much more beautiful place because Amy's in it. And now I can not believe I gave the best of me to anyone besides her for any length of time - I have found someone I truly love for who she is! Literally the most beautiful woman on the face of the planet. A true partner and friend.

So we have been telling each other we love one another for quite a while now, various compliments, assertions and actions. But never the words "I love you" - its been a couple years since I told a partner those words, and it's been about 15 years since she has. But last week I could not hold back the words any longer and I told her I love her. She told me the same. We had a great conversation that night, and after dinner I went home feeling so satisfied about things!

The next day, things began to get weird. Suddenly messages that used to be responded to within an hour or two were not being responded to at all. We have not said those words to each other again. She did show up for our Saturday night date - and we had a great time as usual! But I can not escape this very real feeling that she is pulling way back, putting the brakes on in a very tangible way. I don't blame her, this sort of love is very unfamiliar territory for both of us. But I would like for this woman to be the mother of my kids one day - and that is not something I have ever wanted from any woman ever in all my 33 years. So my question for the group here is how do you slow down things with someone you care about so much, how do I give her the space she needs yet keep her certain that I'm 100% totally comitted to an exclusive relationship with her?

This relationship is marked by a unique absence of red flags - besides the fact that initially I wasn't courageous enough to leave the other girl for Amy. But I believe that because I was not married to the other girl, all is fair in love and war! And I did eventually leave - and left the baggage at the door!

So, how do Amy and I move on and calm our fears? How do we get our mojo back and not let things fall straight off the deep end? Does anyone out there have experience with a relationship that perhaps got one or two car-lengths ahead of the universe, and needed to be slowed down? Can it be done? How do I control the fears - or better yet not let them control me? And furthermore, how do I keep her interested when I have already laid many of my cards on the table? Anyone out there successfully slowed things way down in a relationship and had the relationship live to tell about it?

Thank you again for reading - I look forward to some candid responses!
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #2  September 14,2009, 11:22am
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thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

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p56360 wrote :
I became fearful that if I continued to put off her requests to get together in person, she would go away eventually and I did not want to lose her. I therefore invited her over for dinner one evening. After a great dinner and long conversation things got physical.

Then it took me a month to have the courage to leave my girlfriend.
Sorry, I stopped reading after you cheated on your girlfriend ...

Maybe Amy is starting to realize that you can't be trusted?

Just guessing ...

I don't think I can help you because, as you requested, I can't "relate" to where you are coming from and I have no experience with a similar situation.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  September 14,2009, 11:38am
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wow.....so many issues here it's hard to know where to start.... The not so brief nutshell version is that Amy got cold feet when things got serious between the two of you because:

1) You were dating someone when you met her and chose the other girl, so Amy was your plan B

2) You proceeded to have an emotional affair with Amy while continuing a relationship with the other girl, so in effect you were using both of them - one for the body and one for the mind.

3) You actually went on and cheated on your gf with Amy

4) You did not have the courage to end your relationship with your gf when it stopped working for you from the get go - your excuses about being affraid of her is just that - excuses

5) You then dumped your gf for another woman, namely Amy

6) As a result of all of the above, you are not a man of honor or character and not someone who can be trusted

7) From Amy's perspective, kind of hard to move forward with a relationship with someone like that.

8) How long will your enamour with Amy last before the next girl takes your breath away and Amy ends up same as your ex-gf?

It's really not surprising at all that she is having cold feet and second thoughts about you now is it?
 
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p56360 is offline p56360 Post #4  September 14,2009, 11:42am
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Funny thing here is that I have never engaged in such behavior before, ever. A seven year marriage in my past - it was rough but I was faithful until she passed away. And honestly, although I appreciate you taking the time to reply, you really have no idea what sort of relationship I had with this girlfriend. I left her once in May because she cheated on me. I know two wrongs don't make a right, but she was my girlfriend and not my wife and there IS a difference. I am not looking for someone to tell me I messed up - I am keenly aware of that! Thank you kindly for pointing it out so well! A phrase I would like anyone to consider before responding to my post is "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw rocks! And we all live in glass houses!" Mister BikerBeagle, I am 100% confident that you, like everyone, have at least one skeleton in your closet. I certainly do. I am simply looking for someone who can address my actual questions from the end of my post.
Amy - well she was keenly aware we were cheating on someone too - truly we both knew this was not a good starting point for a relationship, but neither of us foresaw how we would grow to feel about each other. So if anyone can offer me any assistance, any direction on how to keep our new relationship on track - if anyone can answer my previously posted questions, please do!
 
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p56360 is offline p56360 Post #5  September 14,2009, 12:00pm
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DancingFool wrote :
wow.....so many issues here it's hard to know where to start.... The not so brief nutshell version is that Amy got cold feet when things got serious between the two of you because:

1) You were dating someone when you met her and chose the other girl, so Amy was your plan B

2) You proceeded to have an emotional affair with Amy while continuing a relationship with the other girl, so in effect you were using both of them - one for the body and one for the mind.

3) You actually went on and cheated on your gf with Amy

4) You did not have the courage to end your relationship with your gf when it stopped working for you from the get go - your excuses about being affraid of her is just that - excuses

5) You then dumped your gf for another woman, namely Amy

6) As a result of all of the above, you are not a man of honor or character and not someone who can be trusted

7) From Amy's perspective, kind of hard to move forward with a relationship with someone like that.

8) How long will your enamour with Amy last before the next girl takes your breath away and Amy ends up same as your ex-gf?

It's really not surprising at all that she is having cold feet and second thoughts about you now is it?

Wow. Well I guess you hit the nail on the head with your response. Thank you for taking the time to write your thoughts with such candor, it is precisely why I am here. I do agree with most of what you are saying - it was deplorable for me and her to 'step out' on my ex girlfriend.

Truth is, however, that I am commitment minded and certainly capable of a committed long term relationship, so long as it is with the right person!

Is there anyone on this board who can see past the *obvious* shortcomings of me and my partner, and offer some practical advice for how to properly move forward when one of us wants some distance? I want to give Amy whatever she needs so she can be happy and free in this relationship. Again, I am not asking for critique of my actions. Just some practival advice. Thanks!
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  September 14,2009, 12:07pm
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Well.....essentially what you are asking is how can you climb out of a pit full of sewage smelling like roses. A pretty tall order if you ask me.

So my advice to you is to take all the points in my above post and essentially address them with her with brutal honesty and then hope that her fears about you actually get alleviated. However the brutal honesty is the key here - no excuses, no trying to make yourself look better than you are, no trying to soften things up, no whining about how your gf was not right for you but for some pathetic reason you stayed with her. Amy would need to know that you understand to the very bottom of your core that what occurred was wrong and that you take full, absolute and unconditional responsibility for that - no sugar coating. After that, it's about showing through your actions that she is the one for you and that you would not do to her what both of you did to your gf. It's a pretty hard adult conversation followed by actions that support the words.. Whether Amy will ultimately buy that or not only she knows, but it would be a good start for you.
 
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p56360 is offline p56360 Post #7  September 14,2009, 12:29pm
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DancingFool wrote :
Well.....essentially what you are asking is how can you climb out of a pit full of sewage smelling like roses. A pretty tall order if you ask me.

So my advice to you is to take all the points in my above post and essentially address them with her with brutal honesty and then hope that her fears about you actually get alleviated. However the brutal honesty is the key here - no excuses, no trying to make yourself look better than you are, no trying to soften things up, no whining about how your gf was not right for you but for some pathetic reason you stayed with her. Amy would need to know that you understand to the very bottom of your core that what occurred was wrong and that you take full, absolute and unconditional responsibility for that - no sugar coating. After that, it's about showing through your actions that she is the one for you and that you would not do to her what both of you did to your gf. It's a pretty hard adult conversation followed by actions that support the words.. Whether Amy will ultimately buy that or not only she knows, but it would be a good start for you.
Okay, now a response like this is much more like what I am looking for. I sincerely appreciate the time and energy you put into my questions. As far as crawling out of a pit of sewage smelling like roses, well obviously my original post might look like nothing but a pit of sewage. The "good" in my relationship with Amy is worth cleaning up the "bad" in my eyes. And obviously, the "good" is not the part that I am talking about in my post, but anyone else who responds to this post should do so being aware that there are in fact many good aspects to our relationship, in fact the good is strong enough that I am willing to come here seeking honest advice from folks who will give me honest answers, even when those answers are not very comfortable for me to swallow. Not that I think they should be..

Thank you again for your response, DancingFool!
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #8  September 14,2009, 12:35pm
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And honestly, although I appreciate you taking the time to reply, you really have no idea what sort of relationship I had with this girlfriend.

You are right, of course, I really have no idea ...but, wait! ...this news bulletin just in! ...I really don't care, either. Since you seem to like quotes, here's one for you - "Excuses are like, well you know, everyone has one and they all stink!" =D

I left her once in May because she cheated on me. I know two wrongs don't make a right, but she was my girlfriend and not my wife and there IS a difference.

Sorry, no, you are wrong. You were in a committed, presumably exclusive, relationship with another person ...regardless of who did what to who first ...you betrayed that commitment. You could've walked away, you didn't. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Amy *just* your girlfriend, too?

Mister BikerBeagle, I am 100% confident that you, like everyone, have at least one skeleton in your closet.

Perhaps ...but it's not cheating on someone ...now, where'd I put that rock?

I am simply looking for someone who can address my actual questions from the end of my post.

I'm not here to brow-beat you for past mistakes - as much as I'd like to =) - what I don't think you understand here is that I am - we are - addressing your actual questions ...and the answer to all of them is - you can't do anything if she's starting to think, "he cheated with me, it's just a matter of time before he cheats on me". You want to play the whole "she was there too" card? ...lol, then you have no idea how women justify their actions. She wasn't in the wrong, she wasn't involved with someone else - you were. Oh, but right, she was *just* your girlfriend ...not a statement that's really helping your case right now, is it?

Honestly, it may not have anything to do with you cheating. It might have more to do with the tone of desperation in your post? I'd be surprised if you haven't gone Clingon on her given that and your whole "she's the preeetieest girl on the whole face of the planet! I just love her, love her, love her to death!" attitude. All of this makes a guy less attractive to a woman, maybe she's just simply lost interest in you?

I don't know ...like I said, I'm just guessing ...
 
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whatalife1683 is offline whatalife1683 Post #9  September 14,2009, 12:43pm
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As others have stated, she might feel you might do the same thing to her. You mention married and having a girlfriend is different, There is no difference between the two. This is like saying gay couples who cannot married don't know what it is like (which is wrong), I will not get into that because I am liberal with that subject. Now, you and Amy need to talk about things. You need to ask her to have a serious conversation. You need to have communication between you two. If you two feel something is missing, there needs to be some sort of communication. Both of you need to be honest with one another. If she is not willing to talk about this, then you two might have a serious problem. She could have just said I Love You because you said it first. This is often common with partners. After she realize what she had said, she could be rethinking this whole thing. Like I have said talk to her. She should give you the time to communicate on how you feel, but do not force her to talk.
 
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eHA_Admin_Lori is offline eHA_Admin_Lori — Advice Official Moderator Post #10  September 14,2009, 12:52pm
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p56360 wrote :
So, how do Amy and I move on and calm our fears? How do we get our mojo back and not let things fall straight off the deep end? Does anyone out there have experience with a relationship that perhaps got one or two car-lengths ahead of the universe, and needed to be slowed down? Can it be done? How do I control the fears - or better yet not let them control me? And furthermore, how do I keep her interested when I have already laid many of my cards on the table? Anyone out there successfully slowed things way down in a relationship and had the relationship live to tell about it?
Hi, and welcome to eHarmony Advice

I don't generally chime in with my own 2 cents but I will here.

For one, you will get candid advice here and also possibly some judgements because of all that you shared. I'm not going to address the past of this relationship, rather the future, by giving you my opinion about a course of action that might help ensure the longevity of this relationship.

In my opinion, the thing you should do can be summed up in three words:

Talk to her.

Tell her that you're thrilled about the deepening of your relationship but you feel as if she might have reservations and if she does, you'd like to discuss them with her because you want her to be comfortable and happy with things between you.

She may or may not open up to you but I believe that by demonstrating to her that she CAN if she feels she wants to, it goes a long way toward further strenghtening the bond.

If she DOES want to talk, and her concerns echo BikerBeagle and/or DancingFool's, be honest with her about why you made the choices you did, and be prepared to accept responibility for those choices and their outcome.

If you guys are going to be together and be happy, you must be able to speak honestly with each other about the relationship and both of your feelings in it.

~~~

In my mind the bottom line is that if your telling someone "I love you" makes them back away, irrecovably, then they are not the one for you.


Hope this helps and that you will keep us posted as to how things go with Amy!

Best,
-Lori
 
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