he wouldn't commit so i left; now i think i was wrong


View Poll Results: has anyone on here cut someone off for not commiting then regretted it??
guys: when you say you don't know yet, should we girls keep waiting? 0 0%
ladies: should we put up with no commitment if he treats us great? 0 0%
Do you wonder if your standards are too high? 0 0%
Can you 'work' on something if you're not 'committed?' 0 0%
Guys: are girls with high standards too scary? 0 0%
He says he's afraid he'll let me down: is that an excuse? 0 0%
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esthar is offline esthar Post #1  September 9,2009, 2:14pm
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i would love to get some feedback on my situation; it's all i can think about and i'm really beginning to wonder if i acted too rashly; the more i look around at these sites and think about reentering the dating world the more upset i'm getting because i think i threw away a really good guy.

i've been dating this guy for almost a year now; we're both in our late 20's; we met one month after i got out of a relationship so i was very willing to take it slow (he hasn't had a committed relationship in 5 years); about five months in we took a break after he told me he didn't think he could be what i needed (I was going through a family issue). He came back around a few months later and things have just been escalating since then. At times i've been sure we're headed towards a life-long partnership because of the incredible compatibility and chemistry we share when we're together. Then he pulls away again and becomes distant, citing this mysterious undiagnosed depression that 'brings him down and he doesn't want to bring me down too.' Of course I've questioned if he's dating other people but he's told me i'm the only one, although we've never verbally committed to exclusivity. For the most part I know what he's doing though, and if there is/was anyone else, I would be surprised. Anyway, we've been on his rollercoaster for months. When I bring up commitment he puts it off, saying he needs to get his life in order (he hates his job and in this recession, that could take forever to straighten out). Finally he sat me down last week after I wrote him an angry email (first time ever doing something like that; we never fight) about the fact it was bothering me he'd gotten a new roommate who's a friend of his who's a girl and I was feeling threatened (they adopted a kitten together, bla bla) and told me look, i'm feeling so much pressure and stress from you, i just don't know what i want and it's not fair to you, you deserve more, i really think you're the perfect girl for me, but i don't know why i can't commit, i just don't know if i want to spend the rest of my life with you yet. I said, look, i'm just asking you to introduce me as your girlfriend and asking for consistency and fidelity i'm not asking you to marry me here. He said, yeah well, that's pretty much where a relationship at this age is going. So I said well, if you're trying to end this, just tell me, and of course he said no, no, i don't want to lose you, i'm just trying to be honest, i'm just trying to figure things out. He'd also asked me to a wedding in a few days; i asked if he still wanted me to come, he said 'if you want,' i said 'f that, not good enough, i'm not coming, forget it,' he tried to backtrack 'no i want you to come,' i said 'nope, bye,' walked away, sent him an email a few hours later saynig i say no choice but to go our separate ways and hoped we could be friends eventually, then deleted him from all my social networks and basically cut him off. He was shocked and hurt and protested (but not enough or we'd be back together), called several times over the next few days, texted, emailed ... i stuck to my guns and said i wish things were different but they're not. i appreciate your honesty, you're clearly not ready to be with me, please stop contacting me asking to be your friend, i'm not ready, i'm only interested if you want to be with me.'
I haven't heard from him since (about half a week).
I've been feeling empowered that i moved on with my life, but this guy is really great and really senstitive, bla bla, etc etc, and I just feel as if I freaked out and pushed him away when all along things really were getting better all the time and he'd come light-years from the closed-off man he was when we met.
there's nothing i can do at this stage, right?
Should I contact him, apologize, explain, express recognition/gratitude for his honesty and his efforts (that's something he said in one of his post-breakup messages; 'i wish you could give me some indication that you appreciate i'm trying to create a life i'm happy with; a life i want you to be a part of' ); i have given him no indication, just been a super-cold, completely cut-off stranger and he's never seen me act like this; i've been super sweet and patient and supportive all along.
Now I'm wondering if i took things too far and disrespected the gently growing relationship we had and the trust we'd built up; becuase i do tend to sabotage things or at the least, have devastatingly high standards that always fail me.
Thoughts???
Please????!!!
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #2  September 9,2009, 2:26pm
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You need to trust yourself. Its obvious you are not happy in the relationship. Its obvious he is not giving you what you want in a relationship. Its obvious he won't make a choice about you. So the only choice is up to you. You can't second guess yourself back and forth, otherwise, you'll drive yourself nuts.

Take a snapshot of yourself. How do you feel. Where do you see it realistically. I think you did this but afraid you made a mistake. Don't be. Don't be afraid to make the mistake. Support yourself and your decision and move forward.
 
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