katsquirrel is offline katsquirrel Post #1  September 4,2009, 4:55am
katsquirrel's Avatar

Joined: Sep 2009

Posts: 1

See profile

I recently started to date someone new. I don't know how to handle who pays for what!!! We are taking a trip to Vegas. I got free rooms from a very nice hotel thru a connection I have and my date bought the airline tickets. He said it was his treat since I'm getting us rooms that would normally be $275!! Perfect!!Now comes the tricky part- we've been going out a lot the past few weeks and my date usually pulls his credit card out when the bill comes but I always offer to pay and now he's always accepting me to pay half or all!! I do not think it's accceptable for him to pay for everything but for the majority- yes!! I think I should pay every third or fourth time- is that wrong?? How do I bring this up without sounding abrassive? I don't know his income level- we are both in Real Estate. He does pretty well form wht he tells me- I have a second job to try to make ends meet.I'm a single mom(my daughters with her Dad for the weekend of our trip) and he's a bachelor with no kids or ex. What do I do? What's the proper etiquette to handle this situation?
 
  Reply With Quote
brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #2  September 5,2009, 7:22pm
brneyedangel's Avatar

would very much appreciate it if the rain would stop, now! Thanks!

Virtuoso

Joined: May 2009

northeast Ohio

Posts: 4,590

See profile

bump

Does anyone have any suggestions for katsquirrel's dilemma?

I've always maintained that if I'm going to take a trip with a man I'm dating, I'd better be able to pay my half or just not plan to go. To just expect him to pay for things on the trip isn't fair to him, regardless of his financial situation. I also probably would have mentioned that I was having issues with making ends meet before making the plans for the trip (booking the hotel rooms, despite the fact that they're free, and buying the plane tickets).

I'm not sure that there is an appropriate way to bring this up at this point, but you need to do it before you leave for the trip. I'd suggest being honest with him about your situation and taking it from there.

Good luck to you!
Last edited by brneyedangel; September 5,2009 at 7:30pm. Reason: Hit that doggone button too soon! :)
 
  Reply With Quote
tbesq is offline tbesq Post #3  September 5,2009, 7:40pm
tbesq's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Jun 2008

Posts: 3,536

See profile

katsquirrel,

My rule is usually that I will foot the entire bill the first 2-3 dates, and then after that I expect a little contribution. It doesn't have to be 50-50, but it would be nice for the woman to treat every once in a while. Contrary to what many women think, I would not lose any respect for her for for contributing occasionally, and I don't think it means that I'm cheap.

In your situation, I would just let him pay if he wants to do so. You offering to pay is a nice gesture, but if you research some of the discussion threads on this topic, you'll find that some women do this as a test and will dump him if he accepts the offer. So that's one of the reasons men don't accept the offer.

I think that if you want to have the conversation sooner rather than later, bring it up at a time when the bill is not being put on the table. Talk about it over the phone or through e-mail, or when you have a moment with him where such a conversation is appropriate.
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #4  September 5,2009, 7:53pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,651

See profile

In my opinion it is wrong for you to expect that dating will be a nice lucrative profit center, funded by men, for your pleasure. It is wrong to “expect,” demand, nag, etc for more than 50 / 50.
[FONT=Arial]
 
  Reply With Quote
Nanette is offline Nanette Post #5  September 5,2009, 7:59pm
Nanette's Avatar

~ giving gentle smack-downs... vewy vewy gentle

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2008

Posts: 7,451

See profile

katsquirrel wrote :
I recently started to date someone new. I don't know how to handle who pays for what!!! We are taking a trip to Vegas. I got free rooms from a very nice hotel thru a connection I have and my date bought the airline tickets. He said it was his treat since I'm getting us rooms that would normally be $275!! Perfect!!Now comes the tricky part- we've been going out a lot the past few weeks and my date usually pulls his credit card out when the bill comes but I always offer to pay and now he's always accepting me to pay half or all!! I do not think it's accceptable for him to pay for everything but for the majority- yes!! I think I should pay every third or fourth time- is that wrong?? How do I bring this up without sounding abrassive? I don't know his income level- we are both in Real Estate. He does pretty well form wht he tells me- I have a second job to try to make ends meet.I'm a single mom(my daughters with her Dad for the weekend of our trip) and he's a bachelor with no kids or ex. What do I do? What's the proper etiquette to handle this situation?
dont bring it up and quit offering. when you do that from the beginning like that its extremely difficult to reverse.
 
  Reply With Quote
beachgirl5 is offline beachgirl5 Post #6  September 5,2009, 9:47pm
beachgirl5's Avatar

Enthusiast

Joined: Sep 2009

Santa Barbara

Posts: 607

See profile

Is there anyone in real estate who's doing well now? In a new relationship, I would always expect to pay half. I would not make plans for anything I couldn't afford half of without telling the guy. To be frank, why should he subsidize you because you're a single mom? If he wants to do that once you're an established couple that's something different.

Your views sound like a 60 year old's, not a young women's. I'm surprised. If a date told me they thought they should pay a quarter to a third, I'd be gone. Why should a man feel differently?
 
  Reply With Quote
DeBrown is offline DeBrown Post #7  September 5,2009, 10:13pm
DeBrown's Avatar

To be Irish is to know that in the end, the world will break your heart.

Quick Study

Joined: Aug 2009

Posts: 169

See profile

I'm with beachgirl and D Lion.

First, to offer to pay and then be upset that he accepts is completely unfair. If you didn't want to pay, then don't offer to do so. If you do offer, and he accepst, then pay up and don't complain.

Second, as beachgirl pointed out, this is 2009 not 1950. Why should the man have to pay just because he's a man? Being a "single mom" doesn't give you some kind of immunity either.

So you can't afford 50% of the cost of the dates/vacations you are going on. You need to sit down and TALK TO HIM about it. He doesn't have ESP. He doesn't know how much money you make, just as you said you don't really know how much he is making. "Doing well" is a relative term, especially in real estate.

So you need to sit down and say, "Now that we're dating, I'd like to clarify who is going to pay for what. Frankly, I can't afford this weekend trip we're going on, even with free rooms and you paying the airfare. Is there something less expensive that we could do?" You also need to tell him, "As a single mom, I have a lot of extra expenses you may not realize..." and then TELL HIM what they are.

You should both come to an agreed understanding of what is what in the future. He may offer to pay more than 50%. If he does, so be it. But he's going into it KNOWING that he will have to pay more than 50% if he wants to do the activities he enjoys. He's not being roped into it, either by you staying silent when the bill comes, or by you offering to pay but not really wanting to.

To me, this problem has a simple solution: TALK IT OVER. Like many relationship problems, this can be easily solved if you talk about it early and come to a mutual agreement.
 
  Reply With Quote
ZisaGirl is offline ZisaGirl Post #8  September 6,2009, 4:23pm
ZisaGirl's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: May 2009

Posts: 186

See profile

[quote=D_Lion;731723]In my opinion it is wrong for you to expect that dating will be a nice lucrative profit center, funded by men, for your pleasure. It is wrong to “expect,” demand, nag, etc for more than 50 / 50.
[FONT=Arial]
 
  Reply With Quote
Sunsoaker is offline Sunsoaker Post #9  February 24,2010, 8:44pm
Sunsoaker's Avatar

-Living the dream...ok maybe just dreaming

Newbie

Joined: Feb 2010

Minnesota

Posts: 13

See profile

In my experience, women who have a good income insist on paying their fair share; particularly college grads and those under forty. They are proud of their accomplishments and it's a way of showing their independence.

A woman who expects me to pay for all or most of the expenses is losing my respect in a hurry.
 
  Reply With Quote
tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #10  February 25,2010, 12:30pm
tweet37's Avatar

has all the tools and can........satisfy

Power Poster

Joined: Sep 2008

New Jersey

Posts: 7,603

See profile

*yawn*
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« turning down a 2nd date politely | Ask a Dating Expert | back to dating »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
A Mars Venus Guide: Dating Do's and Don'ts for Men outlaw1 Dating 62 December 27,2010 8:04pm
Dating a guy who is divorced with children mle_26 Ask a Dating Expert 6 November 14,2010 8:18pm
Amazingly depressed about this online dating joeyjoe Dating 108 June 17,2010 6:58pm
Dating and Dollars during the ression boccabum Dating 45 September 3,2009 4:40pm
is money an issue? miss_independent Ask a Dating Expert 18 July 27,2009 8:27pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“I always wanted to be some exotic avatar, sounds promising. ” –  Jenky

Join the “My Virtual Relationship or The five day first date” discussion

“I'd give him another text proposing a "date" and if no sensible response or no response at all..... give up!” –  SteveManchesterEngland

Join the “Girl asking guy for date #4, I think I blew it” discussion

“I am so sorry. That must be very frustrating for you. Is he gifted?” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Has anyone lost their mother at a young age? How did it change your life?...or did it?” discussion

“ This...” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Changing your "type"” discussion

“ You poor thing! Were you bad? Here's the ad. Want your hair blown back? Trojan Vibrations Commercial Neighbors - YouTube Tweet ... This is the one, though now you did make me have to watch all ... ” –  Buck

Join the “What kind of add you see on this board?” discussion

“he made his "assessment" out of choice.here's the difference... you're taking it seriously..... he's playing it as a game.As someone who has been where you're at, my advice is have some self respect ... ” –  SteveManchesterEngland

Join the “Reuniting with EX” discussion

“"I'll be back" ...and be winning!!” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Last Post Wins!” discussion

“hoo boy, I found a new one. This particular person put in their profile "Thank God for my beautiful face." Now if it was just mentioned once somewhere, well no big deal.... but it was mentioned in ... ” –  Freezepop

Join the “RED flags for men” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 10:26am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0