Problems in a good relationship that we can't work out without help :(


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ashtonnnh is offline ashtonnnh Post #1  September 3,2009, 6:26pm
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My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years. We've had our ups and downs like any normal couple. Right now we're in a situation of no return. First let me get this straight. We have a very good relationship. No cheating, lying or any of the other bull crap other troubled relationships have. The problem we have now is I can't accept what he wants to go to school for. And I know as soon as any of you read this you're going to say accept it if you really love him. It's not that easy. First off at this very same time last year he was going to be a paramedic. He made it 3 months in and quit. At this time last year he was only doing it because they make 5 dollars more then he does now. But deep down he didn't want to do it. So he decided he was going to go into a computer program this fall. Well 3 months ago that went out the door. Because someone talked him out of it saying he won't get a job.

He had me convinced he wasn't going to do it. When I was away on vacation I guess he almost got killed and he told me he wasn't going to do it.

His goal is to be an physician assistant and I guess paramedic to pa is 3 years instead of 6 going straight through.

He is a EMT right now and has been doing it for 2 1/2 years now. The job makes him very stressed out and a totally different person. He says he loves it some days and others he hates it. Majority of the time he hates it. I knew him before he started this job and that was the person I fall in love with. He tells me people change. But anyways he wants to go to school to be a paramedic again now because that is the next step in EMS. He has told me he hates his job many times and wants to get out of the health field. I think the people he works with are the ones who are talking him into thinking he wants to be a paramedic when really he doesn't. He's doing it for them and the fastest way of getting done with school for him I think. In my opinion the stupidest reason.

So the problem we have is he wants to go to school to be a paramedic again and I can't accept it no matter how hard I try. No one understands how miserable it is till you're in the position of a spouse of someone in the EMS services that doesn't even want to do the job and is only doing it because they are good at it.

I don't believe I'm being selfish.

I added to this to see if you guys understand more from my point of view.
Last edited by ashtonnnh; September 4,2009 at 3:15pm.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  September 3,2009, 6:42pm
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well all i could tell you is what i would do or think based on the information that you have given.

i kinda feel for this guy because you are saying someone else is telling him to do it and now you want to tell him not to. i cant imagine how that must make him feel.

if it were me, i would have to be able to honestly fully accept whatever decision he makes. you could just ride it out and see what happens, but in a way that isnt fair to either one of you. there probably is someone out there who could and would accept his career choice.

since you say that he has chosen to end it, unless you change your mind you should just let him go on and live his life the way he chooses to. would you want someone to do anything less for you?
 
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CreolePrincess is offline CreolePrincess Post #3  September 3,2009, 6:52pm
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It is so complicated, ya'll, and it doesn't even have to be.

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It would be one thing if the two of you were married to be making this kind of career choice, but since you're not, this is completely his choice. Your choice is to stand by him and be supportive or leave the relationship if you cannot accept it.

But there's something that you seem to be overlooking here. First, you are both young. There is plenty of time for him to change his career or return to school for something else.

It is also possible that once he becomes steeped in his courses as a paramedic he decided it's not for him an abandons the idea.

There are a lot of similarities between an EMT and a paramedic, but there are a lot of differences, too. He just might find that being a paramedic is far more rewarding fo him and start enjoying the job more. (I see that a lot with nurses LPN vs RN.)

Also, your boyfriend might be expressing how he dislikes the job as opposed to disliking the actual works. I don't know where you are or where you boyfriend's catchment area, but I do know EMTs sometimes must work in less desirable neighborhood and conditions. It could be once he advances to paramedic that he will have a different area. Or it could be that he's working with people who are creating his funky mood. After becoming a paramedic he may decide to transfer his job and have a completely different work environment.

Another possiblity that you must consider is that it might be his job at all that is bothering him but something else that he hasn't disclosed to you.

You should have a frank discussion with him about the issue. There are so many possiblities out there. After talking to him, he may just abandon the idea all together. However, you need to respect whatever decision he makes. You don't want him a year from now regretting not doing it and then blaming you for it. There are so many people out there who because of another person changes his/her career/educational plans and later end up regretting it. They turn bitter and blame other people. I'm not saying that your boyfriend would do that to you, but it's a possibility you need to take into account.
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #4  September 3,2009, 7:12pm
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ashtonnnh wrote :
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 1/2 years now. We've had our ups and downs like most couples. But we're to the point of no return. Okay it started out like this. Little fights became bigger fights to where all we do is fight now. The problem we have is, I'm 21 and my boyfriend is 23. We love each other like we seriously do. Like no one has a relationship like us. Back to the problem. The problem is I can't except the career he wants to go to school for no matter how much I try I can't except. Deep down I know he doesn't want to be a paramedic. Right now he's a EMT, he says he loves his job but I don't think he does because he's always so stressed out. He's good at his job and people he works with want him to move on. That's the only reason I think he wants to do it. He says he wants to do it and that's all he tells me. He won't give me any reasons why he wants to do it. Just he wants to do it. I knew him before he started the job he does now and he was a completely different person. He was the person I fall in love with. I thought if you really loved someone you would do anything for them no matter what. He's welling to throw our relationship away so he can go to school to be a paramedic and not be with me because I can't except it, like I don't want him to be a paramedic so bad that I would do anything for him not to do it. Right now he is going to be a paramedic and he's starting in a couple weeks and we're just friends. And I hate this. I want to be together and happy like we were before. The paramedic thing is the only thing keeping us apart. I believe he is my soul mate and there is no one else out there for me. Please help me.
If you think you two are the only ones in the world who ever thought that "no one has ever had a relationship like us" then I've got some swamp land to sell you.
You're not unique and neither is your love. At 21 you have no idea what love is.
What love isn't:
  1. Trying to decide for your boyfriend what career he should have for your own self interests.
  2. Trying to keep him from pursuing his DREAMS AND GOALS.
  3. Believing you love someone out of fear of loosing them
  4. Fighting and arguing and it becoming bigger and bigger.
  5. Being 21 and thinking you've found your soul mate.

I can go on and on.
If you think keeping him from becoming what he wants to do will show how much you love him then you are not only selfish, but not ready for a mature relationship. And you're not. You're a little girl in a big girl's body.
I'm sorry to be so harsh but if I had written these thoughts in a gentle way, you would not get the picture of how extreme your behavior is. You're messing with this young man's future for your own needs. And that's wrong.
If you love him like you SAY you do, you'll step out of his way and allow him to be the best damn paramedic he can.
 
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Doodler is offline Doodler Post #5  September 3,2009, 7:32pm
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Hmmmm. Didn't I read in your other post "I need some major help" (which I can't access now) this exact same scenario except you said he loved his job??? Which is it?
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #6  September 3,2009, 7:36pm
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Doodler wrote :
Hmmmm. Didn't I read in your other post "I need some major help" (which I can't access now) this exact same scenario except you said he loved his job??? Which is it?
Maybe selective editing to make the point?
 
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Doodler is offline Doodler Post #7  September 3,2009, 7:39pm
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boccabum wrote :
Maybe selective editing to make the point?


My thoughts exactly.
 
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ashtonnnh is offline ashtonnnh Post #8  September 3,2009, 7:45pm
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That other thread was a mess up. I redid it.
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #9  September 3,2009, 7:52pm
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ashtonnnh wrote :
That other thread was a mess up. I redid it.
We know...
And again, I'm sorry to have been a hard-a$s on my particular post. I really really wanted to convey that when you're young, the things you do today have long and far-reaching implications.
I can't tell you how many different relationships I've had since I was 21. You're going to probably have a lot too (if you're lucky). But doing things like trying to decide someone else's future because you think you'll be together forever is plan wrong. He'll think of you as Miss Dream Killer.
Go out and make your own dreams come true instead of trying to make your dream...him.
 
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ashtonnnh is offline ashtonnnh Post #10  September 4,2009, 2:55pm
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You guys just don't understand. I'm not trying to destroy his dreams at all. I'm trying to prevent something from happening. Wasting money which he has already done on the program. At this very same time last year he was going through the paramedic program. He made it 3 months in and quit. I'm just trying to prevent the same thing from happen. Oh well...
 
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