Gabrielle2 is offline Gabrielle2 Post #1  September 1,2009, 7:11pm
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I dated a guy, we got along good, but I had my suspicions about him dating other women. I asked him more than once, told him if he was it was no biggie because we too were just dating and he should tell me instead of giving me excuses at times. He always said he wasn't.

We've been dating for a month when this situation occurred: He texted, I called him because at the time I couldnt text. He didnt answer. I texted his phone, he texted back w/ an excuse as to why he didnt answer. I called him out on it and he immediately called back. But...there was a female in the background and I can tell she was close, however he was still talking with me. I still don't know what to think of that, and I didn't ask cause it's just not my style. However, at that time I felt like he was trying to be slick so I decided I was done w/ him. I wanted to have sex w/ him before I ended it cause we hadnt yet and I was extremely attracted to him, not to mention I hadnt had sex in a year. So I set it up, we did the do, I got dressed, told him it was a one night stand and left. Now I'm starting to regret it, I feel like I may have over reacted because I just had suspicions but never proof, and I always have suspicions w/ men and admit I have trust issues. He's overall a nice guy, I feel he had relationship potential. So my question is do you think I can salvage this. Friends say tell him why I did it, that I over reacted and be sincere but do you think I messed up relationship potential? Thats what we both were aiming for before the one night stand which happened day before yesterday.
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #2  September 1,2009, 7:50pm
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Gabrielle2 wrote :
I dated a guy, we got along good, but I had my suspicions about him dating other women. I asked him more than once, told him if he was it was no biggie because we too were just dating and he should tell me instead of giving me excuses at times. He always said he wasn't.

We've been dating for a month when this situation occurred: He texted, I called him because at the time I couldnt text. He didnt answer. I texted his phone, he texted back w/ an excuse as to why he didnt answer. I called him out on it and he immediately called back. But...there was a female in the background and I can tell she was close, however he was still talking with me. I still don't know what to think of that, and I didn't ask cause it's just not my style. However, at that time I felt like he was trying to be slick so I decided I was done w/ him. I wanted to have sex w/ him before I ended it cause we hadnt yet and I was extremely attracted to him, not to mention I hadnt had sex in a year. So I set it up, we did the do, I got dressed, told him it was a one night stand and left. Now I'm starting to regret it, I feel like I may have over reacted because I just had suspicions but never proof, and I always have suspicions w/ men and admit I have trust issues. He's overall a nice guy, I feel he had relationship potential. So my question is do you think I can salvage this. Friends say tell him why I did it, that I over reacted and be sincere but do you think I messed up relationship potential? Thats what we both were aiming for before the one night stand which happened day before yesterday.
You feel like you overreacted? Ya think?
With no proof, no evidence, you go do something to someone out of spite. And you want him to forgive you for this. Had he done that to you (one night stand out of spite) how would you feel?
Sorry to sound cruel but if you REALLY want to do right by this guy, leave him alone and let him find someone to date that can handle a mature, adult relationship. And you might want to think about waiting to date other guys until you can treat people the way you want to be treated.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  September 1,2009, 7:57pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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boccabum wrote :
You feel like you overreacted? Ya think?
With no proof, no evidence, you go do something to someone out of spite. And you want him to forgive you for this. Had he done that to you (one night stand out of spite) how would you feel?
Sorry to sound cruel but if you REALLY want to do right by this guy, leave him alone and let him find someone to date that can handle a mature, adult relationship. And you might want to think about waiting to date other guys until you can treat people the way you want to be treated.
Once again, +1.
 
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tiara2161 is offline tiara2161 Post #4  September 1,2009, 8:16pm
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Hi, I want to say I am not trying to be hard on you. But, it seems to me like you are playing a lot of games and not being honest. Also, it seems very passive agressive. This can cause lots of problems in any relationship (even friendships) that you have. Passive agressive means you get angry about something but you don't tell the person you are angry or why you are angry - rather, you do something to get even. This is very very unproductive and does not benefit anyone - including you! - you can't get what you want if you don't ask for it, and you can't hold someone to expectations if you don't tell them what they are. You can't expect people to read your mind, or figure out your mind games. This sounds obvious to most people, but to a passive agressive person it is not. I don't know if you can salvage it or not, because it might not be possible for you to be completely honest about what you want and what is going on with you without playing games. Maybe tell him you like him, and you were upset and jealous when you heard that girl because you don't want him to see other people, and even admit to other lies that I'm sure you told (like trying to make him jealous, etc...) Based on the games you've been playing it will take some time for you to learn how to be honest and direct with someone. This guy aside, the important thing is for you to learn and practice communicating - communicate your wants and expectations in a mature direct fashion, or you might continue to have problems in all relationships in the future.
 
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CreolePrincess is offline CreolePrincess Post #5  September 1,2009, 8:18pm
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It is so complicated, ya'll, and it doesn't even have to be.

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I'm a little confused. You start by saying that you really didn't care if he was dating other women. However, you kept asking him about it, and you go upset because you didn't think he was truthful about it. Tha kinda sounds like you cared in my book If you didn't care, it wouldn't matter what he was doing, with whom, or when. A woman who truly wasn't bothered by if he was dating others would have been concerned with two things: 1. If she was being treated the way she's supposed to be treated, and 2. He was wrapping it up. He may not have been flinging it across the city, but if you don't know where he's been, always wear a raincoat.

The second part that confused me is that you said you had no proof. When a woman thinks a man is cheating, it usually because he is. You have to trust yourself, trust your instincts. However, in this case, he couldn't have been cheating really, because technically the two of you weren't a couple. But that's beside the point. You said you thought he was being slick because he wouldn't confirm your suspicions. Now, that's getting into trust issues, and that's surely a whole can of worms.

Everyone makes mistakes, and we all have regrets. As adults, we must accept responsibility and learn from the experience. If it would make you feel better to talk to him about it, then you should, provided he's will to talk to you. At this point, pretty much all you can do is let him know that you'd like the reopen the lines of communication. If he accepts, explain it to him and see where it goes. If he doesn't, move on.
 
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rocchio is offline rocchio Post #6  September 1,2009, 8:20pm
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I was talking to my mother!
 
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jacsmit is offline jacsmit Post #7  September 1,2009, 8:35pm
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jayjay wrote :
Once again, +1.
+2
 
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DeBrown is offline DeBrown Post #8  September 1,2009, 9:02pm
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Hi Gabrielle,

It sound to me like you have some things to work on in therapy.

If a man did that to me, I would never forgive him. It was spiteful and mean. Even if he was with another woman, which he probably was. But you told him that was OK, so then you can't turn around and blame him if he does it.

Yes, I do think you messed up any relationship potential. Neither one of you will ever fully trust the other one, and you can't build a relationship on that. Just leave well enough alone, chalk it up to lessons learned, get some therapy, and move on. You'll be OK, we have all lived through doing stupid things in our lives. :-)
 
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tom1385 is offline tom1385 Post #9  September 1,2009, 11:38pm
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From the viewpoint of a guy, I wouldn't be ANGERED over being used for sex... In fact it would probably boost my ego even more. If any guys are saying that they would be outraged - it just feels a bit laughable. If you both are in your 20's or 30's the guy is probably just going to laugh about it. Unless he is some religious zealot who wanted to keep his purity.

Well, if he was a player, he would laugh it off and just sleep with you again. If he really was an understanding guy, he would just laugh it off and sleep with you again (imagine the great makeup sex!), but maybe it will turn into a relationship.

Of course, if someone did that to me, I wouldn't be angered over it, but I might be worried about the emotional stability.
Last edited by tom1385; September 1,2009 at 11:42pm.
 
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jacsmit is offline jacsmit Post #10  September 2,2009, 12:01am
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tom1385 wrote :
From the viewpoint of a guy, I wouldn't be ANGERED over being used for sex... In fact it would probably boost my ego even more. If any guys are saying that they would be outraged - it just feels a bit laughable.
Maybe not angered - but possibly hurt, reduced trust, etc. It happened to me - I dated someone for a while, developed feelings for her, then we slept together one time - and before I could see her again, she told me she was still in love with her ex-fiance and so wanted to break things off. And no it wasn't because the sex was bad or she didn't like me (it seemed to be because she thought we were just having some fun, but after that she realized I really cared about her and she couldn't continue using me without feeling guilty). If at any point later, she had come back to me and said "I'm over my ex now - let's try it again." I would have said "no way". Laugh all you want.
 
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