cjbabyboom is offline cjbabyboom Post #1  August 29,2009, 10:21am
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Always assume good intentions

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I was in this relationship for 8 months with a man who has never been married and he is in his 50's. We got along great and had tons of fun and laughter and connected in every way. When things were going really great, he would start to open up about his feelings and me. Then, I wouldn't hear from him for a few days....then he would resurface and we would start up again. We used to see each other just one or two days a week and that was all and I respected his space and time...as I had my own space and time too that I needed. We went on vacation and had five full days together and that was beyond our "norm". On the day we left - he said that he wanted to do more vacations with me and that he had the best time. By all indications - we both did and I thought we had hit a new level in our
relationship. Then he retreats and I haven't heard from him since. I am not going to call because I figure he is in his retreating mode.

I have decided to move on because I can't keep doing the roller coaster ride where he is in and absolutely digging this relationship and then when it gets good - he backs way off. On our second date, he asked if we could see each other exclusively for a year and see where this goes and I agreed. But I also thought that meant at some point it would progress and when it did - he completely withdraws.

Isn't the idea of dating to meet the one that floats your boat and that you can connect to? Is it that he gets scared when the feelings are too good to handle?

Not into drama or any of that and I wish him the best and I have no hard feelings. I never laid down any ultimatums, never tried to change him, never was needy or demanding of his time or anything...so I don't get it and probably never will.....

Thanks for any insight you have
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #2  August 29,2009, 2:21pm
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thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

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Honestly, it sounds to me like you are getting played like a yo-yo. He doesn't want the relationship, but keeps coming back for the booty call.

Sometimes, ya just gotta call'em like ya see'em.
 
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cjbabyboom is offline cjbabyboom Post #3  August 29,2009, 2:37pm
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Always assume good intentions

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You are right because it was always on his terms and it worked. At least the booty was fabulous
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #4  August 29,2009, 2:54pm
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L'Chayim!

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I find it odd that he would ask to be "exclusive for a year." What's supposed to happen when the year is up? Exclusive is exclusive until one or the other of you decides it's not working, not for some set time frame.

Since it's only been 8 months is he going to hold you to this one year "contract?"

Guys who withdraw ("cave dwell" "give the silent treatment") for extended periods of time are rude and selfish. They have no idea, nor do they care, how hurtful this is to the person they supposedly love. Personally, next time I'm dating a guy, the first time he pulls this I will be gone.
 
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Laughingdaily is offline Laughingdaily Post #5  August 29,2009, 3:20pm
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Ride along, and Remember to laugh every single day!!

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Wonderwoman I agree with you on this one. This guy sounds like he only wants what he wants when he wants it and exactly how he wants it.

Red flag city!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
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prodius54 is offline prodius54 Post #6  August 29,2009, 4:03pm
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I'm going to have to agree with BikerBeagle on this one. He is in it for one thing and one thing only...Sex! Unfortunately there are a lot of guys that want their freedom, but don't want to go those long stretches between flings. So they will string a girl along as long as they can. The hardest part about this scenario is that the answer has been there staring you in the face the whole time. But, we tend to ignore the truth of the red flags so that we can continue to hope. This was one of the hard lessons I learned from my recently ended 6 year relationship.

I totally empathize with you, but in the future maybe try defining your boundries earlier on. You might scare off a few guys, but as a guy that has friends exactly like this guy in question, I can tell you it will only be the self-serving guys that will flee.
 
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Rainfallgirl is offline Rainfallgirl Post #7  August 29,2009, 6:10pm
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has tied the knot

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It would make me really wonder about someone I was being exclusive with for a year if they just vanished like this...
Last edited by Rainfallgirl; August 31,2009 at 7:00pm. Reason: I changed my mind
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  August 29,2009, 7:09pm
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I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

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BikerBeagle wrote :
Honestly, it sounds to me like you are getting played like a yo-yo. He doesn't want the relationship, but keeps coming back for the booty call.

Sometimes, ya just gotta call'em like ya see'em.
Not seeing this here at all. And maybe for once I really can have a clue what is going on.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  August 29,2009, 7:45pm
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I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

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cj take a look at the other poster and take a look at my profile and see if maybe I have a better bit of insight into this situation. Just say'n.

You have picked up on this correctly. He is scarring himself every time things start to get too heavy. He is running into the wall of commitment and every time he hits it he bounces off and can't get through and retreats.

Now you have encountered what you consider to be a deal breaker. Now you can do two things. One you can be just a wimpy as he is and not confront your problem and run away (which is what you have proposed). Or you can confront the problem (something you should have done months ago).

First a deal breaker does not become a deal breaker until you have discussed the problem with you match / date / mate and he has denied that there is a problem and won't work to correct it or he has attempted to correct the problem and failed. Because you have never discussed his yo-yo behavior and the problems you have with it he is not aware there is a problem.

So do you walk away? Or sit down with him, tell him what behavior is the problem, layout what is acceptable and in what time frame and what the consequence is for not correcting the problem.

No disclaimer on this one because I know what I am talking about for a change.
 
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cjbabyboom is offline cjbabyboom Post #10  August 29,2009, 10:25pm
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Always assume good intentions

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Gr8guy - I didn't go back in history on this, but this has happened two times before. I did sit down with him and called him on it. He said that he didn't realize that he was doing that and I told him that it was really causing damage because I was beginning not to trust what he said when he was "in" the relationship. I would have much rather him say that he was on overload or needed time to reflect or what ever it is....but to just go into this void is just crazy.

At least I saw the signs - but was on a delay in reacting to it. I am not one to jump ship at the first time there is a hiccup because we are all human....but I did tell him that if this happened again I would need to take another hard look at this relationship and make a decision.

Appreciate the advice
 
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