Birthday - No Gift - feeling bad - appreciate advice please


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nicegirl777 is offline nicegirl777 Post #1  August 26,2009, 9:34am
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I am dating a guy for about 5 months. He asked to be exclusive about 1 1/2 months ago. I said yes. His birthday was two weeks ago. I took him to dinner and bought him a nice dress shirt too.
My birthday was Sunday and he had to work. I knew this and did'nt expect dinner or anything like that. I picked him up after work and he did'nt have anything for me, not even a card. He told me that he had to owe me a gift. That really made me feel bad. We slept over and the next day were heading upstate. I thought about it and asked him why he did'nt even get me a card? He told me he did'nt have time. Then he went on to tell me about his ex girlfriend and how I should be happy that he does'nt take her calls anymore and finally told her that we were dating. I was shocked by this and told him I no longer wanted to go with him. We turned around and he called me too sensitive and went on about the ex. I told him it was obvious he still cared for her and to please leave me alone. That was it. I feel so sad about everything. I did'nt see it coming. Any advice for me?
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #2  August 26,2009, 5:45pm
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would very much appreciate it if the rain would stop, now! Thanks!

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Honestly? I don't think your problem here is with the birthday. I think the problem is the contact that he continues to have with his ex-girlfriend. I'm also wondering why he brought this up out of the blue when you were discussing your birthday, and I think there may be some details that you may have left out here. I'm also wondering why you continued to push the issue when he said that your gift would be forthcoming (granted these are my words, but it's the gist of what he said).

FWIW, while it's nice to get a card or gifts on your birthday, he didn't actually forget your birthday, and it's possible that he might have actually been busy. It's not really fair to compare gifts or things of this nature, remembering dates, and so forth, because sometimes some people are just better at remembering/doing special things for these events than others. Keeping score like this in a relationship is never a good thing because it leads to resentment and hurt feelings on the part of both people involved.

I'm not sure what advice can be given to help you in the relationship, as it seems you made an assumption (unless you left some details out) and ended the relationship by telling him that it was obvious that he still cared for her and that he should leave you alone. It doesn't sound like he left you for her, so I'm not sure that I understand what you didn't see coming. Maybe if you could clarify that point a bit, you could get a bit more feedback from the community.
 
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nicegirl777 is offline nicegirl777 Post #3  August 26,2009, 6:22pm
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Oh, thanks. Well, there have been many times when he brought up this girl out of the blue. Always in the context that she blew a great thing and he was'nt sure why, etc., etc. I had asked him to please, please not bring her up to me to discuss the problems in their relationship. But, he kept on doing it. He would start and say, I know you don't like to discuss this issue but, and then proceed to tell me. I think the reason I got upset about the birthday was because I did a great deal for him. I would pick him up for dates as he would say he was tired from work. I would wait for him and change my plans according to his work schedule at last minute. He asked me to help him clean out his summer home, etc., etc. I was not looking for a big ticket birthday item here, just a card or a flower or an acknowledgment of the day. I went out of my way to find a very different and unique restaurant to take him to for his birthday to make it a nice experience for him. He has never taken me to a nice restaurant for dinner. I guess as I am writing this, I answered my own question, that is, he did'nt really care enough to want to impress me. Perhaps, I did too much in an effort to please him and should have held back to have him work to please more some.
 
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KungFuFtr is offline KungFuFtr Post #4  August 26,2009, 6:43pm
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nicegirl777 wrote :
I am dating a guy for about 5 months. He asked to be exclusive about 1 1/2 months ago. I said yes. His birthday was two weeks ago. I took him to dinner and bought him a nice dress shirt too.
My birthday was Sunday and he had to work. I knew this and did'nt expect dinner or anything like that. I picked him up after work and he did'nt have anything for me, not even a card. He told me that he had to owe me a gift. That really made me feel bad. We slept over and the next day were heading upstate. I thought about it and asked him why he did'nt even get me a card? He told me he did'nt have time. Then he went on to tell me about his ex girlfriend and how I should be happy that he does'nt take her calls anymore and finally told her that we were dating. I was shocked by this and told him I no longer wanted to go with him. We turned around and he called me too sensitive and went on about the ex. I told him it was obvious he still cared for her and to please leave me alone. That was it. I feel so sad about everything. I did'nt see it coming. Any advice for me?
That's a pretty lame excuse "I didn't have time". How long does it take for him to pick up a birthday card? It's not like he found out about your birthday a couple hours before the actual day. As far as him saying "I'll owe you a gift" seems like a false reassurance. It would be a different situation if he was specific; such as "How about we celebrate your birthday on August so-and-so at 3:27 A.M."

As far as you being "lucky" that he didn't talk to his ex girlfriend anymore? He sure knows how to treat a lady eh?

You are entitled to feel the way you do and it sounds like the guy is an ass hat. Perhaps you should cut your losses and recognize that the guy took you for granted; showed you little respect and this is all in 5 months.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #5  August 26,2009, 8:12pm
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nicegirl777 wrote :
he brought up this girl out of the blue. Always in the context that she blew a great thing and he was'nt sure why, etc., etc. I had asked him to please, please not bring her up to me to discuss the problems in their relationship.
when a guy does this excuse yourself and walk away. go out, do something but dont sit there and actually listen to it.

wrote :
I did a great deal for him. I would pick him up for dates as he would say he was tired from work. I would wait for him and change my plans according to his work schedule at last minute.
oh my. here is the bulk of the problem right here. why do you feel that you need to make everything so easy for this guy? quit being so accommodating


wrote :
He asked me to help him clean out his summer home, etc., etc.
you a maid?

wrote :
he did'nt really care enough
telling a guy that he didnt care is poison to his ears.


wrote :
Perhaps, I did too much in an effort to please him and should have held back to have him work to please more some.
exactly. do this without having a discussion with him. make sure you arent being punitive about it, but definitely do less. much less.
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #6  August 26,2009, 8:24pm
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How long had it been since he split from his girlfriend? It sounds like it was pretty recent and he was still dealing with the issues. While it was insensitive to bring her into a conversation about your birthday it's possible that his situation with her is preying on his mind so much that he's just not able to think about other things without it intruding.
If you have been bending over backwards for him then he may have fallen into the mindset that you're an agreeable person who will listen to his attempts to work his way through the problems, and not thought about how inappropriate it is to keep bringing it up when you'd asked him not to.
That's not an excuse, but it is possibly a reason.
I'm not sure what advice would really do you any good since you've broken up with him and getting back together would just put you back in the same place until he resolves his previous breakup.
I guess the main thing i'd say is in future if a guy brings up his ex and it makes you uncomfortable then you need to close that topic as politely and understandingly as possible, and if he keeps doing it then you need to get firm and say "Look, i don't think this is going to work if i feel like i'm dating you and your ex."
 
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BriteEyze is offline BriteEyze Post #7  August 26,2009, 8:36pm
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No guy who really cares for a woman "forgets" her birthday--I had a similar experience at Christmas--I bought him a very nice gift and lovely card. He took it and had nothing for me. We were married at that time. We are not now. One time error? Nope. It was another small incident in a PATTERN of " I don't really care that much about you" to do the small things that mean so much. For Valentine's Day I received two dozen red roses, candy, a huge teddy bear--and a dinner out. I think it was then , on Valentine's Day, that I knew the marriage was over. It dragged on, but did end, four months later. The phony and insincere gifts hurt more than I thought possible. But the pattern was there. I know it hurts to realize this, but I think sometimes we are too forgiving. I know I was, for years. I accepted the behaviors of an insensitive boy--when I wanted a partner and a man. One day I simply decided this was no longer acceptable and I summoned the courage to refuse to be mistreated. Would you accept that behavior from your best female friend? Probably not.
 
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flowerchild66 is offline flowerchild66 Post #8  August 26,2009, 10:14pm
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I've read that men (people) who have commitment issues act up around special occasions such as their partners birthdays, holidays, family gatherings, etc. because these events symbolize to them another step towards enmeshment in your life. So they sabotage the special occasion in some passive-aggressive way. When I read this my jaw dropped as I've had the same happen to me with my ex-H and an earlier BF. On virtually any event marking a special day for me they would be all sour and either outright giftless, have a gift after the fact, or present something picked up as an afterthought.

Bringing up the ex to the degree your BF does is not cool, especially when you've told him it upsets you. He's putting his need to reflect on his past relationship over your obvious discomfort AND the effect on your current relationship. What does that tell you about how invested he is with what the two of you have?

Congratulations on acting upon your instincts. Stay strong.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #9  August 26,2009, 10:42pm
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nicegirl777 wrote :
....He told me he did'nt have time. Then he went on to tell me about his ex girlfriend and how I should be happy that he does'nt take her calls anymore and finally told her that we were dating. ...
I'm sorry you had such a cr@ppy birthday!

He had time to get you a card and a gift. We all make time for things that are important to us. He chose not to spend any time on even getting you a card.

So basically your birthday "gift" from him was that he's not talking to his ex-GF anymore!?!? Wow.

I know it stings right now, but you were right... he'd definitely not over his ex-GF. You are better off without him.
 
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nicegirl777 is offline nicegirl777 Post #10  August 27,2009, 2:57am
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Thanks for the feedback and comments. I have to really wake up because I really don't want to put more time and effort into relationships that are not good for me. BriteEyze and Flowerchild I also was married and have a ex that treated me poorly and did not celebrate occassions with me. I remember clearly now one Christmas when all the kids and my ex-husband where opening gifts that I had gone out to get them and my son asked, why don't you have any gifts (other than what they made me). My ex husband just looked at me. I think this is also why I tried to make the holidays and birthdays so nice for my kids and others because I know how horrible it feels to be forgotten or left out. This is why this is like the 1, 2 punch that knocked me out. I can't believe that I picked another guy who does'nt value me enough to even buy me a card! I really have to dig deep now and find out what is going on with me and why I don't see the signs earlier.
 
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