DumbBlonde is offline DumbBlonde Post #1  August 24,2009, 3:18pm
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I am recently single again and have always kept a thing for my old college flame. He too recently broke up with his girlfriend. He lives in NY and I'm in IL, so I went to visit him for a weekend recently and we had a wonderful time. It was really hard to leave. I have terrible insecurities and this is my first dating experience since I was 20, so it's been many many years. Since my visit, he has been working a lot and typically is not a talker. I was growing more and more disappointed each day as the messages I would get would be very simple, usually talking about how tired he is. I took this as a rejection pretty hard and immediately started to sabotage the relationship by sending ridiculous messages. I guess I figured it was easier to just beat him to the quick to break things off, before he delivered the rejection speech. It turns out I was totally off tack, he was not being rejecting at all, but instead had a personal issue he was trying to deal with and was distracted. Now that I sent this terrible message to him, he simply responded that I'm wrong and that he's annoyed not mad. Now what do I do? I am so afraid that I have destroyed this relationship that I have wanted for so long all over my own stupid imagination and defense mechanism. EHarmony, please help me save this!?!?!
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #2  August 24,2009, 5:44pm
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DumbBlonde wrote :
I am recently single again and have always kept a thing for my old college flame. He too recently broke up with his girlfriend. He lives in NY and I'm in IL, so I went to visit him for a weekend recently and we had a wonderful time. It was really hard to leave. I have terrible insecurities and this is my first dating experience since I was 20, so it's been many many years. Since my visit, he has been working a lot and typically is not a talker. I was growing more and more disappointed each day as the messages I would get would be very simple, usually talking about how tired he is. I took this as a rejection pretty hard and immediately started to sabotage the relationship by sending ridiculous messages. I guess I figured it was easier to just beat him to the quick to break things off, before he delivered the rejection speech. It turns out I was totally off tack, he was not being rejecting at all, but instead had a personal issue he was trying to deal with and was distracted. Now that I sent this terrible message to him, he simply responded that I'm wrong and that he's annoyed not mad. Now what do I do? I am so afraid that I have destroyed this relationship that I have wanted for so long all over my own stupid imagination and defense mechanism. EHarmony, please help me save this!?!?!
I'm going to be brutally honest here because that's what I think you're asking for and want.
I think you should move on and work on fixing this defense mechanism of yours that allows you to preemptively hurt other people. Even IF he was going to break it off with you, what do did had no justification.
If you want to be in the dating world, or just find someone, you're going to have to face the fact that rejection is part of it. How boring would life be if EVERYBODY GOT WHAT THEY WANTED? Then any victory wouldn't be as sweet.
Learn to deal with adversity as an adult first before trying to enter into an adult relationship. Then, you'll deserve and attract someone who will do the same for you.
As for this guy. You may or may not have burnt your bridges with him. Only he knows and all you can do is set an apology his way and then back off. If he accepts it, you'll know. If he doesn't, leave him be and move on.
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #3  August 24,2009, 10:02pm
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His communications were annoying & that is part of the reason for the confusion. He actually was not communicating at all.

You both have issues with communication. You should take responsibility for losing it but might also want to point out to him that his communications were both cryptic & negative & that you could not figure out why. I wouldn't be confrontational at all though.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #4  August 24,2009, 10:12pm
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DumbBlonde wrote :
I am recently single again and have always kept a thing for my old college flame. He too recently broke up with his girlfriend. He lives in NY and I'm in IL, so I went to visit him for a weekend recently and we had a wonderful time. It was really hard to leave. I have terrible insecurities and this is my first dating experience since I was 20, so it's been many many years. Since my visit, he has been working a lot and typically is not a talker. I was growing more and more disappointed each day as the messages I would get would be very simple, usually talking about how tired he is. I took this as a rejection pretty hard and immediately started to sabotage the relationship by sending ridiculous messages. I guess I figured it was easier to just beat him to the quick to break things off, before he delivered the rejection speech. It turns out I was totally off tack, he was not being rejecting at all, but instead had a personal issue he was trying to deal with and was distracted. Now that I sent this terrible message to him, he simply responded that I'm wrong and that he's annoyed not mad. Now what do I do? I am so afraid that I have destroyed this relationship that I have wanted for so long all over my own stupid imagination and defense mechanism. EHarmony, please help me save this!?!?!
i think for the most part exes should stay exes. even though he was an "old flame" i really hope that you didnt have sex with this guy. he might be an old flame and you might have had a great weekend together, but this does not make it a relationship. you dont give any indication as to whether or not you have been in continual contact or not.

i wouldnt worry about the message, but i would just leave the guy alone and start dating other people. one incident like this is often enough to turn someone off. of course we cant know that but i think it would be a good idea to start dating other people if you arent already.

the best thing that you can do is no contact whatsoever till he contacts you. just give him ultra space. i mean it. no email, text, phone calls, nothing.
 
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