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slp421 slp421 is offline
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Hi,
I am a 46 year old woman, divorced with 2 children, ages 9 and 11. Every year during the summer my children visit their father and grandparents for 6 weeks. We live 12 hours apart. I meant a wonderful man at that time on an online dating service!!! He is very recently divorced with no children. His wife cheated on him and he has no children. We hit it off the first night we meant, very mutually attracted. From that night on we never went more than 2 days without getting together. He called and texted everyday. He took me to movies, dinner, and cooked meals for me at his home. We had incredible conversations and talked about everything and anything. He even surprised me by taking me to a 5 star restaurant to celebrate a new job that i had just recently taken. I cooked him a beautiful dinner the night before my children came home (the perfect date!!!) He sent me flowers the next day with a note thanking me for the wonderful dinner, that the night was great, but i was perfect. Then, I started to not hear from him. He called one day to say that he wondered if i noticed if he was being distant. Of course, I noticed. He went on to say it was too much, too soon and that he didn't know if he was ready for a relationship. I was shocked!!! I met him thru a dating service so i presumed that was what he was looking for. He knew i had children. He listened to me talk to them everynight by phone when we were together. I am just so shocked and hurt by this total turnabout. I keep replaying everything and just don't understand. He pursued me and made me feel special and wanted. wow, was i stupid. Please give me some insight. Should I call him (I am not a woman who easily pursues a man) If i contact him, will i seem needy, look like a stalker? should I send him a letter or e-mail and just let him know how I feel? I am a successful, independent, confident woman who has been out of the dating seen for a long time. Any thoughts? I would appreciate any advice or insight.
- August 23rd, 2009, 05:38 pm
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TiffanyDiamond TiffanyDiamond is offline
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[quote=slp421;719202] Hi,
We hit it off the first night we meant, very mutually attracted. From that night on we never went more than 2 days without getting together. He called and texted everyday. He went on to say it was too much, too soon and that he didn't know if he was ready for a relationship. I was shocked!!! I met him thru a dating service so i presumed that was what he was looking for.

I keep replaying everything and just don't understand. He pursued me and made me feel special and wanted. wow, was i stupid. Please give me some insight. Should I call him (I am not a woman who easily pursues a man) If i contact him, will i seem needy

You are not stupid. Either he was a smooth operator or he was just clueless and didn't give himself enough time between his marriage ending and starting a new relationship. He was a party to things going too fast, too soon and unless he is just a jerk maybe he just wasn't ready. Plus if he is very recently divorced that's a red flag there. From my experience when people are "very recently divorced" they need time to work through their marriage ending (even if they wanted it to end for whatever reason) and maybe putting some time between the divorce and a serious relationship.

I would not call him again. If you have been out of the dating scene for a while maybe you can meet someone nice and take things more slowly next time and let things develop over time. Believe me you are not alone. It's hard to know what to do when you are trying to find someone to connect with and you haven't dated in a while. Good luck!
- August 23rd, 2009, 07:40 pm
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Daise Daise is offline
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Sounded like the perfect situation, almost too good to be true, but what I think is that he is overwhelmed by how quickly things moved along for both of you. We all join these dating sites for various reasons and some of us really do not know what it is we really want and do not take the necessary steps to ensure we are ready to date. Feelings of lonliness and fear creep in and this can cause some to be hasty. He sounds as though he needs things to slow down a bit and catch his breath so to speak. I am not a big fan of playing the mind games as to whether to call or not, so I would let him know you understand if he is feeling overwhelmed and just simply ask him what he would like for you to do. I think he sounds worthy of taking the time to let this all play out, (many would have just dropped the ball) just give him the space he needs and take it a little slower. Be kind to yourself and just be direct and honest, then at least you know where you stand.
- August 23rd, 2009, 07:47 pm
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flgal flgal is offline
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I think the key here is that he was very recently divorced (due to having been cheated on). I mentioned in another thread that situations like yours prove that there are two types of divorce: 1) legal divorce and 2) emotional divorce. Although he is legally divorced, it sounds as if he was not emotionally divorced, yet. In other words, even though all of the divorce papers had been signed, sealed and delivered, he is still grieving his loss and needs time to heal. When people jump into a relationship after the legal divorce has taken place, but before they are truly divorced emotionally, the new relationship serves as a band-aid. And, thus, the first relationship after a divorce almost always ends. I'm so sorry that this happened to you.
- August 23rd, 2009, 08:05 pm
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TiffanyDiamond TiffanyDiamond is offline
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flgal wrote :
I think the key here is that he was very recently divorced (due to having been cheated on). I mentioned in another thread that situations like yours prove that there are two types of divorce: 1) legal divorce and 2) emotional divorce. Although he is legally divorced, it sounds as if he was not emotionally divorced, yet. In other words, even though all of the divorce papers had been signed, sealed and delivered, he is still grieving his loss and needs time to heal. When people jump into a relationship after the legal divorce has taken place, but before they are truly divorced emotionally, the new relationship serves as a band-aid. And, thus, the first relationship after a divorce almost always ends. I'm so sorry that this happened to you.
I so agree. I was married for a long time and even though I was ready for my divorce to happen it took time for me to be emotionally ready to date. I tried to start dating about maybe 4 or 5 months after my divorce - I don't remember but it wasn't long enough. It was horrible. So I went out on a few dates and then stopped. I waited another year before dating again and stopped again because I needed to focus on raising my children. So here I am now "newly dating" after not having a real date in too many years...I don't even want to say-it's too embarrassing. I'm ready now but can't find a nice man.
- August 23rd, 2009, 08:22 pm
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Nanette Nanette is offline
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wrote :
Please give me some insight. Should I call him (I am not a woman who easily pursues a man) If i contact him, will i seem needy, look like a stalker? should I send him a letter or e-mail and just let him know how I feel?
do not do any of this. this guy likes you. he pursued you.

do not contact him. if you HAVE to say something just tell him you understand and leave it at that. no explanation of how you feel blablaha.

if he contacts you limit your contact to a couple of times a week (one weekday evening, one weekend day). no more than that. you set the pace, not him. even if you want to see him more than that dont do it.

good luck
- August 23rd, 2009, 08:34 pm
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Wonderwoman402 Wonderwoman402 is offline
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slp421 wrote :
....I met a wonderful man at that time on an online dating service!!! He is very recently divorced with no children....

The fact that he is "very recently" divorced is the most relevant fact in deciphering what went on. He probably really did enjoy all that time he spent with you... but suddenly it dawned on him that he just got out of a relationship and he doesn't really want to be in one again for a while. Like many recently divorced people, he wants to see a sampling of ALL that's out there before he even considers settling down again.

Even though it hurts, it is NOT a reflection on you. It's all about him.
- August 23rd, 2009, 08:54 pm
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MAC96 MAC96 is offline
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TiffanyDiamond wrote :
I so agree. I was married for a long time and even though I was ready for my divorce to happen it took time for me to be emotionally ready to date. I tried to start dating about maybe 4 or 5 months after my divorce - I don't remember but it wasn't long enough. It was horrible. So I went out on a few dates and then stopped. I waited another year before dating again and stopped again because I needed to focus on raising my children. So here I am now "newly dating" after not having a real date in too many years...I don't even want to say-it's too embarrassing. I'm ready now but can't find a nice man.
- August 23rd, 2009, 09:28 pm
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tommyboy047 tommyboy047 is offline
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He should not have been on any dating site yet. He needs to heal from his divorce and that fact that he has already joined a dating site without healing is just bad news for anyone that falls for him. He is just going to leave some broken hearts along the way of his healing process. It took me 2 years after my divorce before I knew I was ready to fall in love again with someone else. That is the key, to know you are ready to love again and be happy with yourself. Deep down he must know he is not ready yet he is going for it. He probably NEEDS to fill a void rather then want to live again.
- August 23rd, 2009, 10:18 pm
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GypsyWillow GypsyWillow is offline
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"Should I call him (I am not a woman who easily pursues a man) If i contact him, will i seem needy, look like a stalker? should I send him a letter or e-mail and just let him know how I feel?"

I would contact him if you personally have the need for some sort of closure or other issue.

This is all about you now, who cares what others may think of your actions. As long as the outcome results in helping you to heal and not hurt so badly.

Whatever you need to do to put the relationship in its proper perspective to close this chapter in your life is fine. Will you seem needy or look like a stalker? Who cares, do what’s needed so this no longer bothers you. Do it by phone or e-mail just do it. If you don't understand something ask, if you need closure get it or to say goodbye if you need to, do whatever it is that you find necessary so that you can heal and put it all behind you.
- August 23rd, 2009, 10:36 pm
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