bluesmiles is offline bluesmiles Post #1  August 21,2009, 3:15pm
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i am very confused here... the man i am supposed to be dating just went and pulled a 360 on me...
summary: we dated years ago and i told him to go because he wasnt doing anything with his life..
needless to say he has become a fantastic military soldier.... we met up again last year and picked up like we never left each other... you could tell we were so much in love...
he was deployed after superbowl sunday; spent it with him, GO STEELERS then he went to iraq..
i was his support and sound board through the begining and when it got rough...
then july rolled around
he began speaking in past tense and kept saying you know i love you, right? i will always love you.. you know its not my last tour, right? (this is his FIRST tour)
then
he stopped talking to me. just stopped. i emailed and regular mailed, he never responded.
then i got an instant message saying he was going through changes and he wasnt himself....
he said he loved me no matter what....
then he stopped all together.. no calls no emails, nothing. he had a myspace page that had us on it.. said engaged..
then, relationship
now single.
what do i do now? im told to hang on because its what the soldiers go through, and yet, he dissmissed me.. i dont think i did anything wrong, did i?
please, please help me. i dont want to lose him; we have been through too much together.. after he comes home, he will be here till march, and then he will be heading out for a non combat mission for a year...
thank you, and GOD BLESS YOU AND ALL OUR SOLDIERS
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #2  August 21,2009, 5:38pm
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Toodles, sayonara, and happy trails! Wishing everyone luck and love...

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Ahhh.... tough situation. Even under the best of circumstances, it can be very difficult to weather a deployment to a war zone -- whether you're the soldier or the loved one waiting for him at home. There are a lot of missing pieces in your story because he hasn't provided them to you. However, at least based on what you've told us here, it does not sound like you have done anything wrong.

There are lots of possibilities for what might help to explain the change in his behavior. He may be suffering from PTSD or another mental health problem. Or, something may have happened there that has caused him to feel that he is no longer worthy of you. Or, he may be convinced that he won't survive the deployment and is pulling away from you to protect you. Or, the experience of being out there may have changed him in some fundamental way that he does not yet understand or know how to deal with. Unfortunately, without input from him, there is no way to know what he is feeling....

Do you know any of his buddies who might have a better sense of what is going on with him? His family?
 
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bluesmiles is offline bluesmiles Post #3  August 25,2009, 7:03pm
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no i do not know anyone who knows him, though i did speak to the srgt that recruited him; he told me to hang in there that everything will work out... i spoke to his sister, and he has made plans for counseling... he still hasnt spoken to me; still waiting, patiently...
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #4  August 25,2009, 8:04pm
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Toodles, sayonara, and happy trails! Wishing everyone luck and love...

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Okay; it sounds like he is having some trouble and trying to get through it. Although the military is working hard to destigmatize getting help for mental health problems, there is still a lot of resistance. That may be one issue here.

For now, there is not a whole lot that you can do other than continue to be in his corner and support him (continue to send him letters, care packages, emails, etc.). It's possible that your relationship will not survive this difficult period, but it's clear that you are far from ready to give up yet.

In the meantime, I suggest that you also take some time to educate yourself about PTSD so you can recognize the symptoms and understand what your soldier might be going through. You can find a lot of helpful information on the National Center for PTSD website here: National Center for PTSD Home. (Keep in mind, too, that there will be a period of adjustment for him when he returns -- this is true of pretty much everyone when they come back.)

There are also support groups out there for loved ones of deployed military so you might want to explore some of those to see if you can connect with others who have gone through or are going through what you're going through now.

Even under the best of circumstances, it is difficult being the partner of someone in the military. And, it's especially difficult these days with multiple deployments being the norm. Plus, as a girlfriend you don't have access to some of the kinds of support that spouses have, which can make the experience even more isolating for you.

Hang in there; I hope that things will be looking up for the two of you soon!
 
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