He has divorce debt, what do I do?


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punkin425331 is offline punkin425331 Post #1  August 19,2009, 6:37pm
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I recently met a guy who became officially divorced about 6 months ago. In casual discussion, I have learned that he works two jobs to support a first and second mortgage from the house he ended keeping as a result of his divorce. He also has a roommate and still needs to work the two jobs to make ends meet. Now he has asked me out on a date. However, I feel a bit uncomfortable going out on a date with this guy knowing he is working two jobs to make ends meet. Sure, I can offer to pay my way, but geez, we haven't even began dating. A girl likes to be courted ya know. I mean what if we end up really liking eachother, then I feel like I am having to "pay" the price for his previous marriage in the form of him being in debt and having two mortgages to pay. I am confused, but think I know the answer here. What do you guys think?
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  August 20,2009, 11:09am
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I think its admirable that he is doing that, I wouldn't look down on him for that at all. I wouldnt offer to pay my way, but I wouldnt expect anything that is super fancy either. I wouldnt worry about the future before you even have one together, if you like him so far then i would keep dating him. just be honest with yourself as to whether or not you can fully accept his situation. if you cant then move on.
 
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Spider is offline Spider Post #3  August 20,2009, 11:41am
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Sounds like it's not so much the divorce as the housing market - does he owe more on the house than it's worth, and thus can't just sell it?

I don't understand why he would have kept a house he couldn't afford, otherwise.

But in terms of dating, obviously he thinks he can afford to spend time with you, and likes you. I wouldn't "jump the gun" and start worrying about where the relationship may lead at this point; he's just recently divorced, after all. Take it as it comes.
 
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flowerchild66 is offline flowerchild66 Post #4  August 20,2009, 12:06pm
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In my experience, this type of revelation has translated into he likes you but can't afford to treat you and in fact wouldn't mind you treating him more often than not as he's so struggling. Oh, and we should move in together and split the bills to save money, and maybe you'll have to pay a larger proportion as he's so stressed with this debt which he fully disclosed to you at the beginning and you accepted. Caveat emptor.

Disclaimer: Not to say your potential date is like this at all, just relaying experiences I've had several times. I'm not man-bashing at all and I'm sure men have historically had their share.
 
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hazmat is offline hazmat Post #5  August 20,2009, 12:19pm
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Wow...his ex had a good lawyer.
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #6  August 20,2009, 12:36pm
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punkin425331 wrote :
I recently met a guy who became officially divorced about 6 months ago. In casual discussion, I have learned that he works two jobs to support a first and second mortgage from the house he ended keeping as a result of his divorce. He also has a roommate and still needs to work the two jobs to make ends meet. Now he has asked me out on a date. However, I feel a bit uncomfortable going out on a date with this guy knowing he is working two jobs to make ends meet. Sure, I can offer to pay my way, but geez, we haven't even began dating. A girl likes to be courted ya know. I mean what if we end up really liking eachother, then I feel like I am having to "pay" the price for his previous marriage in the form of him being in debt and having two mortgages to pay. I am confused, but think I know the answer here. What do you guys think?
So in order for a guy to get to know you better and date you, he has to have enough money to pay for your dates?
Why don't you offer to go dutch on the first date and split the cost...that way you won't feel bad and if it doesn't work out, there is no resentment.
And if you do end up liking each other, who cares if you have to pay every once in while? If you like him would it matter?
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #7  August 20,2009, 12:54pm
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Geez... the other day this guy wanted a Ferrari, and you know, he thought he deserved it, just because he's had such a tough lot in life, but hey..he can't afford it, so would you mind giving him a break on it?...

Seriously, 6 months ago? Why are you hearing this sob sorry?...... The assets became joint when they say "I Do", not when he got served papers. So it was not "his" house etc.
They both did their part earning, spending and ending the marriage. You didn't.

It's his responsibility to worry about his dating budget, not yours.
In fact, his poor me, blaming the wife took him to the cleaners routine reeks of victim....

He needs time to figure this out, why don't you date others with less baggage in the meantime, have fun and maybe find someone decent, rather than hold this guy's hand?
punkin425331 wrote :
I recently met a guy who became officially divorced about 6 months ago. In casual discussion, I have learned that he works two jobs to support a first and second mortgage from the house he ended keeping as a result of his divorce. He also has a roommate and still needs to work the two jobs to make ends meet. Now he has asked me out on a date. However, I feel a bit uncomfortable going out on a date with this guy knowing he is working two jobs to make ends meet. Sure, I can offer to pay my way, but geez, we haven't even began dating. A girl likes to be courted ya know. I mean what if we end up really liking each other, then I feel like I am having to "pay" the price for his previous marriage in the form of him being in debt and having two mortgages to pay. I am confused, but think I know the answer here. What do you guys think?
 
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TiffanyDiamond is offline TiffanyDiamond Post #8  August 20,2009, 1:42pm
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If he's a nice guy I'd give him a chance. It doesn't sound like he was telling you his story to get sympathy and I didn't see you write that he said he can't afford dates because XYZ is going on. Or that you would have to pay for dates. I had a "newly divorced" guy once tell me about his ex-wife and son and blah, blah, blah and then added that we would have to split our dates or take turns paying. I understood that he had obligations and that was fine - I've been through a divorce so I know all about that - but I couldn't let him make his financial obligations become my problem in the form of taking him out....so I said "bye, bye." It sounds like your guy is doing what he needs to do to take care of his business. I would rather see a man working two jobs and have a roommate for a while so he can get his act together than some bum who walks away from his responsibilities.

Also these days I know so many people out of work or having financial diffuculties - not due to doing stupid things - but due to the economy, not getting pay increases while the cost of living keeps going up, getting laid off from multiple jobs and on and on...I think these days we have to give people a little break. Just because you're struggling financially or trying to get your act together - that doesn't mean you don't need love! That's the way I feel.
Last edited by TiffanyDiamond; August 20,2009 at 1:46pm.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #9  August 20,2009, 2:18pm
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punkin425331 wrote :
I recently met a guy who became officially divorced about 6 months ago. In casual discussion, I have learned that he works two jobs to support a first and second mortgage from the house he ended keeping as a result of his divorce. He also has a roommate and still needs to work the two jobs to make ends meet. Now he has asked me out on a date. However, I feel a bit uncomfortable going out on a date with this guy knowing he is working two jobs to make ends meet. Sure, I can offer to pay my way, but geez, we haven't even began dating. A girl likes to be courted ya know. I mean what if we end up really liking eachother, then I feel like I am having to "pay" the price for his previous marriage in the form of him being in debt and having two mortgages to pay. I am confused, but think I know the answer here. What do you guys think?
You are not "paying the price" for his previous marriage; he is. From what you've said about him, he's an honorable man who is willing to work very hard and make sacrifices to meet his goals. That's something to much admire. You, it seems, are asking that he "pay the price" to get to know you and spend time with you...

Is the primary value/purpose of dating to get to know someone better and enjoy being with them, or is it to have them treat you to things? If you feel that it's the former, then it shouldn't matter that he's unlikely to be taking you out to lots of expensive restaurants (a picnic in the park or a DVD and dinner at home will be just fine). If it's the latter, then he is unlikely to be a good match for you because you will be focused on the bottom line instead of on enjoying your mutual experiences.

If he has asked you out, presumably it's because he has ideas for dates that fit within his means. If you are truly interested in him, why not just see what he has in mind?
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #10  August 20,2009, 5:42pm
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punkin425331 wrote :
A girl likes to be courted ya know.

So did the ex. You'd think he'd learn his lesson.
 
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